Contradicting Thought, Refutable Actions.

When you're about to lose a certain someone, then come the realization of how important he/she is to you, and how much you want them to partake in your life...

Procastination at its best

Exam is 12 hours away, and I'm nowhere next to ready. It would be a great insult to say that I have achieved nothing. For the past week, I've finished watching/reading anime/manga more than I've ever done since the beginning of this year. 24 episodes of GTO, all of the manga 'Parasyte' and 'Good Ending' (Not finished, at least until where it has been released). I wanted to prevail, but I CAN'T concentrate. I mean like, you are graduating, and I'm definitely doing the right thing by not doing anything, but I hate it.

That was 14 hours ago.

And now, I'm slacking again.

Dilemma

I did my best, and I have done it. So please god don't pull me back to face it again, because if you did and I failed again, I'll break down, not being be able to move on anymore.

I've been happy, since November, not much more after CNY.

I'm afraid...

12 星座

Got bored from doing MMM, kept doing silly mistake!! Hate it so much!! Hence googled up my own horoscope to read XD Thanks to facebook again for seeing other ppl's horoscope~~

Its all copy and paste btw XD

看到部分人对于双子男的疑惑，所以决定写双子男。这个，我想我更有发言权。因为我是双子男。

　　双子男关键字--------幽默， 交流。

　　如果你曾坠入双子男的情网，大多逃不出上边的两个特点。双子不愧是水星守护的星座，说话能力绝非其他星座可相比。人群中那个天马行空，甚至手舞足蹈的讲述者，多半是双子。这也成为双子男的绝佳魅力武器。随手拈来的甜言蜜语，总能哄你开心的小幽默，让你始终能够感受到什么是爱情的甜蜜。人生得一双子男，何其快哉?

　　当然，很快你发现了致命的问题。你无法揣测双子美男的心。他就像一阵风，看似就在身旁，却怎么也抓不住。如果你恰恰又是强调安全感的女生，双子男的这一特性，无疑时刻折磨着你得心。你开始胡思乱想，开始企图从双子口中探听虚实。这时，你才发现你忽略了他口若悬河的能力，那岂是你能探听出来的?于是。猜忌加重，争吵增多。可是双子男愈演愈烈，变得冷漠如冰。

　　是的，但凡纠结于双子男的妹妹们，大概都是这么一个过程吧。你们可能至今依然清晰记得那样的痛楚，不过更可能的是你们至今也没挣明白究竟是怎么回事。那我只能告诉你，你还没有真正了解双子。

　　双子特性，不持久，爱玩闹，看起来一副浪荡子的模样。其实，关于双子所有分析中，最错误的就是强调双子的自相矛盾的两面性，其实不是两面性，更不是什么2个人同一个灵魂的荒诞解释。双子对于爱情有两个标准，一个叫做喜欢，一个叫做爱。喜欢很容易，爱却很难。喜欢就是你身上有我欣赏和喜爱的部分，爱就是无论如何，我都要和你在一起。我可以和你交往，因为我很喜欢你，但是不代表我爱你。这就是双子的内心世界。但是请千万不要把这当作双子花心的凭证。这种感觉就像是一种固执，固执的寻找真爱。但是又不想让你失望，于是，我喜欢你，那就在一起。但是我很难保证每刻都用心。

　　也许已经有人觉得，我在为双子男辩解，其实不是。因为我知道那种感觉，不是我不想投入，真的是我还不够爱你。我可以伪装一时，却很难伪装一世。当激情退去，当我的内心清楚地感到，你非我之所爱，可我却也不能告诉你这样的事实。我只能选择冷漠，只能选择逃避。

　　当双子遇到真爱，就是另一副模样，你发现他失去了以往的潇洒，开始小心翼翼。面对你，甚至沉默，不敢说过激的笑话，虽然这是个视幽默为生命的星座。他变得贴心，变得患得患失。因为他不愿意失去唯一的真爱。是的，在双子心中，真爱就是唯一，不是某一类，而是某一人。当双子真的在爱的时候，他的忠心和痴情是其他11个星座男都无法相比的。请相信这一点。不要被伪装嬉笑下的双子所迷惑。他们不是情场高手。

　　如果你不喜欢听人说话，请离开双子，他不适合你。阻止双子的发言，会让他抓狂，会让他在第一时间厌恶你。请也不要在意双子男的某个过分的笑话，相信我，他只是想让你开心。双子男懂得把握谈话的气氛，但是言多必失，和他往常的笑料一样，大多是没有什么深刻含义的。

　　如果你看到这里，觉得自己即使不是双子的真爱，却也不愿放弃双子。那么我告诉你，其实双子男心中的真爱有迹可循。你可以伪装真爱，双子虽然自夸聪明，却不够细腻。

　　首先，你不能无趣，不能听不懂双子的谈话，不能在双子神情飞扬的时候问他，你说的什么意思之类的话，那会让他大失所望。

　　如果你比喜欢听人说话，请离开双子，他不适合你。阻止双子的发言，会让他抓狂，会让他在第一时间厌恶你。请也不要在意双子男的某个过分的笑话，相信我，他只是想让你开心。双子男懂得把握谈话的气氛，但是言多必失，和他往常的笑料一样，大多是没有什么深刻含义的。

　　如果你看到这里，觉得自己即使不是双子的真爱，却也不愿放弃双子。那么我告诉你，其实双子男心中的真爱有迹可循。你可以伪装真爱，双子虽然自夸聪明，却不够细腻。

　　首先，你不能无趣，不能听不懂双子的谈话，不能在双子神情飞扬的时候问他，你说的什么意思之类的话，那会让他大失所望。

　　其次，不必太过在意双子的突然冷漠，多半情况他还会回来，这个时候如果你纠缠不放，必定被排除在外。

　　最最关键的是，不要崇拜双子，不要表现出倾倒，双子讨厌没有挑战的猎物。

　　我知道，这是一个总被别人误会的星座，但是请相信他的善良，请也期待和他一起的美好，如果你对爱情充满了浪漫的憧憬，请和双子来一场恋爱吧。他会教会你一切的。

One hour to exam

Another hour towards my impending doom. I haven't been in the right state of mind to concentrate on programming since yesterday after reaching Subang. Instead, I am filling my mind with nonsense again (Note the word structure...its not "Nonsense have been filling my mind" anymore) that I could hardly program nor sleep. Thought later on my tiredness got the better of me...

And at that time, I stumble upon this website which again made me more depressed...

Nice guys finish last

Why, you ask? Because I'm exactly the guy as described in that first post. I admit that I'm so used to flirting during my secondary life but not getting myself into a serious relationship. You see, lots of stuff happened which changes me. And hence as ever, for the first time I'll say that I don't know how to differentiate between courting and flirting (though it happened ever since...Form 5? Later than that I think, after moving here). I hate Facebook as much as I hate MSN for a certain reasonable reason. Socializing between real life and through internet was never the same, I could never cross-platformed between those two. Even if I'm all right talking to a person in real life, I may have never been able to chat with him/her properly through internet. Childhood friends are of different case though...

As if reading that and the nonsense thinking wasn't suffice.

Upon reaching home from Subang around 1am, I've been reading countless useless stuff, which further worsen my mood. Stupid of me to dig all those stupid stuff out at such a critical time.

I'm not those smart and hardworking guy who are outstanding. I'm not those handsome type, neither those atheletic, special, good-in-socializing...in simplicity, I possess no special attribute whatsoever that can made me stand out. No courting skill to say the least.

Why do I wait for so long is something I couldn't comprehend myself either. I never appreciate the opportunities that has revealed itself multiple times last month. I hope I make the best out of every opportunities from now on...although later on I'm going with my Foundation gang, haven't been seeing them for quite some time. Haven't been chatting with a lot of my friends, espc those overseas this month (MSN still gives me headache).

Another hour to the test, and while I'm finalizing this post, it had just came to my mind that I've not been revising Inheritance and Operator Overloading properly...didn't even attempt any of the PYP, just looked through my assignments...

Laptop Disassembly

Its been almost six months since i bought this laptop (I bought this laptop around early August last year), and I’m proud to say that I’m glad the first thing that signals a cue of blemish (asides from all the scratches, I’m talking serious here) is the distressing noise produced by my laptop’s fan! (OK, maybe i’m not so serious after all xD).

The HP Pavilion dv2-1003ax cost me RM2.4k. Its a single core AMD Athlon Neo processor with the ATi-3400 (3410) series graphic card on a 12.1” screen.

 

Dissection of my laptop

Today, the fan became so annoying loud that I determine to solve the problem!! With Ping Shen’s help who gave me the link without the need of tediously searching it myself, I….

Left: Front cover and keyboard
Right: Photo of Keyboard taken from horizontally - Notice the curvature (sorry that i do not remove the background items, making it hard for your eyes)

Left: Hard disk, RAM, WLAN, covers for hard disk, RAM and WLAN, screws
Right: Remains of laptop after taking out the mother board and casing. Its left with the metal bars and the three bars surrounding the laptop. I didn’t COMPLETELY remove everything (bluetooth?)

The motherboard as seen from below the laptop. The bottom-right piece is the heatsink where cooling takes place, so the little space to the right of it is where the heatsink position is. CPU is in the middle, while near the right of it is place the northbridge and the GPU. I’ll assume the big chip at the bottom is the southbridge (forgot to check properly). The black parts are the stickers covering the mainboard which I did not bother to remove xD

So where’s the fan?

I forgot to take a picture of it >__<

There’s something wrong with it, so I just went on with the idea of removing it (tempor

arily). Laptop with no fan? Yes, there is…externally…

 

The blue cooling pad belongs to Kam Hing, which I have to borrow in the mean time. Since my cooling pad effectively cools the air that passes through, I place it in on top of his one (see the right pic). You can see my fan obviously, which blows into directly into the heatsink area of the laptop.

Previously the temperature of my laptop is around 38 degree celcius at lightwork and 50 at partial load. Now its 52 degree celcius at lightwork and it hits a highest record (personal record) of 68 degree celcius at load (not even full load).

There’s one thing I forgot to do. During assembling back my laptop, I missed out the touch pad connector…hence my touchpad is not working now >__< I’ll put it back tomorrow together with the fan after changing it. Less trouble =)

I have to emphasize that dismantling this is even easier than most of the 14” or larger laptops out there. Look at the number of screws. If I do remove everything completely, I’ll just have about 6 more screws!!

Now…I shall dota and observe the temperature rise…

*Bail out*

Who says you can’t have problems and also smile?

Its 31st December 2009, and while I'm supposed to be either studying or celebrating the countdown of the end of year 2009 or the approach of year 2010, I am instead sitting in front of my computer, looking through some utter useless stuff on the internet, or hoping that someone would be free enough to online and chat with me. Yes, lonely indeed. And hence i stumbled upon this, which is what I've been trying to tell everyone.

SMILE!! NO MATTER WHAT!!

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Who says you can’t have problems and also smile?
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On a bad day, see that goodness you can find.
Ask yourself: What am I supposed to learn from this?
Appreciate the good in everything.

You don’t have to suffer just because you have problems.
And you don’t have to be happy to smile.
You can be in a bad mood, but still smile, and your mood will turn around.

Pretend…act as if you were happy, and you will be happy.
When you are in a bad mood, smile to others, and the smile will be returned to you.
Love others, and the love will be bounce back to you.

Before you go to sleep tonight,
remember with gladness every good thing you have done.
Go to sleep with a smile on your face,
and you will wake up happy!!!

Who says you can’t have problems and yet smile at the same time?

from Michael Yamin

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So yeah, to sum up everything, if you are down, smile, smile, smile. I can’t stress this enough. Being emo just brings down the mood of everyone else around you. They may not mind listening, but I am pretty sure they do not enjoy it either. They only do it because they care bout you, not like they like to listen to your emo talk. So Clarence, I think this shall remedy your insistence and persistence on me sharing wif you all. This is why I don’t go around talking stuff with other ppl, in fact, I don’t even tell other ppl. You see, I don’t enjoy it when I emo as well, why not do something to make me feel better? There are little stuff that you never knew would made my day, even if its through chatting.

Oh yeah, i’m not sad, just that i’m feeling lonely. Today’s my dad’s birthday, and I ALMOST FORGOT bout it >__< Even my bro greeted him only after I reminded him. Oh well, at least he did it >_<

Hope i can post another one at 12am xD Pray I’m not lazy!! kekekkekee!!

Of course, there are times when smiling cause misunderstanding… >__<

Avatar

Its been quite an eventful today. Me, Clarence, Kam hing, Ian Lai, Wei Wen, Hiew Mun, Xin Wei, Sarah Yang. Dim sum at Cheras in the morning, MIdvalleying since then which consist of McD, window shopping and MPH-ing, and the best part of all >>> avatar!!

Go watch it yourself. Good stuff has to be harnessed through its true nature, not through spoken words.

And yes, i bought another book, titled The Final Reckoning by Sam Bourne =)

Up till now, ever wonder why what i've typed is so short?

Because thats not the main point here.

Someone asked me a few days ago why do I want to devote myself to someone when I'm not even certain of the outcome.

I've no idea.

Probably because i couldn't comprehend going after someone when you are not even sure whether you really like her or not.

And if that's the case, why can't i just really really try my best, and deploy actions rather than thoughts?

If guys are defined by those who act first and tried their best, then i've failed terribly being a guy.

What I've determined to do in the past few months, none has ever been done.

What am I so scared of?

Or maybe what Billy said is right? We've lost so much confidence in ourselves that we simply just avoid doing anything sometimes.

I wonder if i have kept putting in effort in every single things i do, every single days...i wonder how will it turn out to be now?

Please Lian Hing, wake up, wake up. Be smart, be sensible, be truthful, be active, be brave, be optimistic. That's something you can't possibly change in one week, but you know where you will end up if you don't do it.

Wake up, Lian hing, wake up. Haven't you decide to do what you should/want to do since last week? And what am i doing since then? What i'm doing now is no difference from giving up.

Wake up, please, wake up...be responsible for what i said...

Changes, Frustration, Tranquility

I have just read Clarence’s latest post on his blog, regarding his changes, his awareness, and his perception.

And it makes me wonder.

Am I changing? I hope not.

It made me ponder.

It has been weeks that I have been slacking off. Procrastination has since then been a part of myself. To say that I’m really busy is ridiculous. I myself have been the sole reason as to why I’m so busy. Taichi, Frisbee, Robotics, Anime/Manga, and as if hasn’t been bad enough, I’m taking up Ninjutsu.

However, if it is just that, then there isn’t a need for me to blog, as doing so over such an insignificant problem is just pathetic. The real fault lays in me being inconsiderate, insensitive, irresponsible, reckless, etc. It seems that whatever I have done, it has been a disastrous consequence. To name a few would be an attempt to make me feel better – What I’ve done wrong is more than uncountable. To list it all down would mean my dignity’s downfall.

In fact, I don’t even hope that I am myself lately *sarcasm*. If this attitude I’m appearing as is the reality of my image, then I’ll rather live my life imitating other people’s life style. It may sound ludicrous to all, but as of lately, I despise myself. I have been reiterating mistakes all over again, so much till that I hope to erase my existence from this world.

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Something just happened in between, and I got frustrated.

Computer doesn’t go the way I want.

Stupid Chinese input.

Thoughts overflow.

I’m desperate.

Why do I get so desperate?

I have vowed not to annoy her.

But deep down beneath my heart, I wanted to.

“You know you don’t want to stop trying”

This is so frustrating.

I can’t wait for anger to subside.

Feel like hitting something.

I shouldn’t be like this.

If doing it would screw everything up, I will not do it.

Contradiction?

What Swee Ki has written: 進一步，重如千斤。 退一步，輕如羽毛。 向前進，還是向后退？

my exact condition.

好烦!! 好烦!! 好烦!! 为什么突然间那么烦!! 很讨厌这种很烦的感觉!! 凡是烦事就会令人烦!! 不知该往哪方向而去? 都到了这地步,为何想那么多?

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I’ve just calmed down a bit…yes, all in one blog. Though I’ve been shifting in and out between blogging and doing maths.

I've just hanged my clothes, gonna rain soon...T__T

And I know why I’m so frustrated.

Sure makes a difference ehh after calming down?

To say that I am ok with 'stopping' is an utter lie.

Why I’m not myself lately, I think I have just gotten the answer.

I just don’t want to think, because I’ll ALWAYS 胡思乱想!! 真的很佩服自子!! Hahahaha! That’s why I don’t want to do maths. That’s why I procrastinate, as last minute panic makes you think less and do more!! But 事倍功半啊啊啊啊啊…not bad ehhh!!＝）That’s if you don’t scrutinize the quality of the outcome. Kekkeke~~~

I’m typing casually, because I feel so much so much better all of a sudden.

I don’t know she’ll like it or not. But I seriously think its better than doing nothing and letting everything pass instead. I know she’s annoyed sometimes, so lets find out why!! (I think I know, but its better to make sure~~~ omg…self-redemption >_<)

I just hope it turns out for the better =)

Now to focus on maths. Man, you all should learn from me, self-motivation!! =D kekeke~~~

The words that people will hold on to when each wall crumbles and hope extinguishes, when rejection meets.

I am not honorable enough to exploit the word persevere. I haven’t had the opportunity to confront enough highly regarded obstacles in this world to assure myself the merit of using such a gracious word.

It hurts to be by the side of a person you like, someone who entails constant perseverance, every ounce of strength in the people around her so that she can triumph over her weakness, priding her to her aim, her desire.

And I have no words of comfort, but my own pact to hold.

Your comfort, my gratification.

Strive hard, best wishes.

Your discomfort, my disarray.

I think I will try to blog again. TRY. It became harder and harder because I began to feel that everything I have done is extraordinary mundane that sharing is a waste of time. This is just a diminutive nature, as what really made me stop blogging is that I will be blogging about the repetitive stuff all over again. Yet I have promised Sam, to blog, at least yesterday. But I didn't, which made me a fucking liar.

At times, I felt exceedingly tired, so much low my self-esteem has become that everything I did seems futile, and that the world is simply just going against me. Yet I kept telling myself not to give in. Being optimistic has brought me far, sucking me from the realm of breaking down. Yet how much can I really endure? I have been blaming myself for possibly everything that happened, seriously because I think its me who cause all the problems. But I don't think I have ever done anything to remedy it.

I’m not emo (stare at chien shing). Its just common for people to think things throughly at certain times. I’m perfectly fine, not angry, might be a bit sad and depressed, but I repeat, definitely not emo. Repetitive words spoken and be forgotten, I won’t give up - is what I may have forgotten from times to times. But I will certainly remind myself, that what I have been struggling to avoid - will compel me to go forward, or will it?

I appreciate those few unknowns who still check my blog now and then, but apologize all at once as amazingly nothing much has ever changed bout me, except this semester I’ve become more of a slothful slacker. I might not have change much, but I think i’m more optimistic now, though definitely not sanguine, as my confident level remains a light year distance from satisfactory. Still counts for something ehh? =)

I should be doing report, not wasting my precious time blogging. Yet I have just lost the mood devoted for it now. Optimistic thoughts are such despairing lies to conceal the truth. I think I have finally understood the difference between optimistic people and people who are acting or trying to be optimistic. I seem like a faggot who seems to be able to read all the cues, but then I'll think all positive again, so as to cling onto the lil' hopes that still light up within myself. Now That's desperation.

About 8 months has passed since then...took a long time for me to be sure, longer to act, and even longer to realize.

Indulgence

I apologize for the lack of updates, for I don't want to taste the wonderfully-rich experience offered by Brunei "DIAL-UP". So here I am, sitting in front of Grayson's computer typing out my thoughts now...

And my thoughts exactly now? HP Pavilion dv2 is ultra sleek and super sexy!! =D

I wouldn't even bother to blog if it wasn't for that breathtaking laptop.

HP Pavilion DV2

Why I like it?

Simply because it runs on an AMD Athlon Neo X2 processor, in which AMD is matured in compared to Intel's Atom. Meanwhile, its display is powered by the ATi 3410, an average card ranked among 3rd class performance.

And best of all:

It is sexy, sleek, slimy...wait, not slimy. But heck, that design is cuttingedge, and the keyboard, the layout, the bottom lid...everything bout it!!

Too bad they only offer a 12" laptop for this. I have checked dv3 and dv4, and surely I miss dv2 keyboard feels more.

EU blah blah blah!!

Daily Tech - EU Plans to Prosecute Microsoft On More Antitrust Charges Despite IE Decision

Yes yes, the title says it all, and if you did visit the link, you can read what's been going on and on...

This is stupid. This is what I think...

Windows are Microsoft products. What Microsoft is doing is basically embedding IE in its own OS. The only thing I think is wrong with it, is that previously they never allow users to simply remove IE, as well as the Outlook Express. You see, EU is just being bias, IMHO. Windows is Microsoft hardwork, although yes, a lot of imitations here and there and all, but cut all that crap. Somemore, its just trying to advertise in its own way!! Its not like its not letting consumers to choose it products, you can choose all you want. If you are asking why should they even be allowed to pre-install IE and not other browsers as the initial browser, why should Microsoft do that? That, Windows, is Microsoft product. And since it has its own browser, why does it need to bother about others?

I am not a fan of IE. In fact, I dislike IE. But still, I don't mind IE being shipped with Microsoft, they should just allow the option to uninstall it easily, which they did!!

In the upcoming OS from Apple, titled Snow Leopard OS X, its bundled with Safari! Ok, so, its not being released yet, so EU can't do anything bout it for now...but I seriously doubt they are going to do anything regarding it in the future.

If you all did continue reading the comments from the link, there's one post by this guy which I like very much...

By Inkjammer on 6/12/2009 12:03:37 PM , Rating: 5

Call it "Windows 7: EU Edition" and include one wallpaper only that says "Due to the limitations imposed by Microsoft by the EU we may include, and only include, the OS.

In addition, the OS can't come with system tools, either. No defrag, because that would impede on the Diskeeper Corp. No backup/system restore software, either, because that could hurt any company that makes backup software. No Reg Edit, because that would hurt any company that makes a shareware registry editor. No...

Ohh...and why's that Apple's OS should only be allowed to run on Mac, if its this case?

Mind-boggling

I do have pics, I just don't have the hours needed to blog about them. Or rather, I'm lazy =) Eventually, I'll just give the excuse that I enjoy putting all thoughts and events in words rather than expressing them in the ever astonishing attention-seeking media --- pictures.

Excuses condone excuses, a sentimental repetition procedure. I'm constantly imagining up a bunch of stories to assuage my own negative thoughts. As enlightenment, I'll call it optimistic, but its too much in excess. I'll soon feel terrible about it, in which then I realized being the way I am now won't help. The fact is that my imagined delusions will never materialize, and I'm all left to slump in the darkest corner of my mind, alone. But that's if I did nothing. And what's going to happen if I do something?

I'm leaving in four days time, or count it 3 days, as I'm left with only 3 full days to live my life with my Malaysia friends here, before my flight departs and I lose them to distance for four whole months. I know I'll regret, knowing that I did nothing despite my feeling towards her. My acts condemned my thoughts, but I wouldn't mind if doing the opposite will make her feel even slightly guilty or bad. Its all for her happiness (here we go again, my own philosophy).

I am very happy on my birthday, especially when attacked by a surprised party when I thought I'm going to be all alone =) Kin Fa calling me was laughable. I am grateful for everyone who wishes me Happy Birthday, particularly to Seng Yee, Kin Fa, and Jazline who celebrated with me at 12.30am (Wen Yueh who tried to help, LOL!!), as well as everyone who wished to celebrate my Birthday but couldn't do it or make it. Because honestly, its the thought that counts. This childish thinking always seems to work on me, polishing my mood and making me feel better. Later that day, we went Karaoke plus a bit of 'arcading', and Pooi Mun together with her cousin are there too, although Ah bo wasn't in.

It was the following day after that we went to Klang to eat Ba Kut Teh, and I sincerely appreciate Swee Ki for waking up early in the morning to drive us to eat Ba Kut Teh, despite feeling a bit sick (is it? forgot...) and having sorethroat as well. I felt like we didn't really give much of gratitude for her. Oh, for reader's sake, Ah Bo is in this time =) And that's our BREAKFAST. Right after that, we went to lowyat.

Its in lowyat that I haven't been myself again. My selfish thoughts consumed me, and all and all I wished to be with her. I have noticed a lot of cue since karaoke (or is it just by wishful thinking/illusions?), but I disregard it because she treats everyone the same (which is simply being optimistic), and I always seem to be able to conclude every reasonings if I take that she likes someone else (a bit TOO optimistic). Furthermore, a bit more of what I did, and I know it will be history again - a little bit of avoidance here and there, and then i'll probably do the same as well to cover it up. Lame. Sad. Oh well~~

It might occurs to someone that I'm a coward. Yes, I'm a coward, but not a coward to act. If I lay the foundation to human's fate & destiny, I would have every single courage in the world to do what I want. I'm just being fearful of repercussion, someone who thinks too much till confusion occurs, and in the end I picked the best act that I think could grant her satisfaction most, and without her the need of avoiding me. Its not being coward. Its call being self-indulgent, its call being thoughtful. People question why can't I see everything in a less complex manner. I question why they see it so simple. Though I do advice them to see everything in a more simple manner sometimes >__< argh~~

Honestly, I thought that I am in the life-advancement route, learning to become stronger, wiser, ultimately a better person. But as you can see, I'm not. My mind is all messed up, and everything I do has something up its sleeves. I hope I get to meet her again before I go back, in which the last possible date will be tomorrow. But I hinted that she will be busy preparing for her camp, which means its a no-no. I wanted to go for the camp so much, which if I did will be my first, but I have other plan on Sat. Depressing indeed.

P/S: This is a very unsatisfactory piece of writing, but the writer is thankful at least because it made him feel a bit better. The writer apologizes for the long post, and as ever again, its very sentimental. Thanks for reading, and do not feel guilty if you do not feel like posting comment after reading (Stare at Woan Wei xD).

Think before act?

It always ridicule me how people are unable to make a simple decision. In any case, who's the one to speak? I used to think that I'm the guy who think wisely before act, but I came to realize that I'm just purely afraid of the outcome that I have chosen.

Its not just solely decision, its everything that I did. My speech, movement, thoughts, presence, every air I breathe in; I fear that everything I did wrong would lead to the slightest cue that I like her, eventually causing our friendships. Though I couldn't help but to do it sometimes. Yet, I yearn to go further, to be beyond friendship. Its contradictory, but that's the kind of world I live in.

Typing everything out is the only way I could free myself from lust or attachment. I couldn't express it to myself, yet the sentence flows like a river when I'm actually typing it out. Seems like the internet + computer has replaced my seats of closest friends. I think this is why I'm better of chatting sometimes, and probably why I dislike MSN so much during certain times. Ppl saw the different part of me, the livelier part, or even the emo-er part =)

I'll change, at this moment, that I'll treat her like any normal friend. I won't avoid, I won't reconsider, I'll just do what I'll always do. Everytimes, its just been pure verbal without action. Now its time for action ^^

No one can hurt me. Its only my own thoughts that can hurt myself. With this, I bear myself forwards, towards changes. :P