Saturday, September 20, 2008

No one "feels" the news at you like Stephen Colbert.






You know how when you don't know a word, you find out the definition, and you hear someone use it and automatically think, "wow, I actually know what that means!" Or when you hear about something new, and within a couple of days, you hear about it again? It's called a coincidence, my friends. I recently got into a bit of a tiff with a friend about Barry Manilow. Contrary to what my friend thinks, one song on your iPod does NOT make you a superfan. It makes you a connosiuer.



My friend detests the very thought of Barry Manilow, and I am indifferent. All I care about is the sweet sweet music. Not neccessarily from the Manilow that is. (For future reference the song I have is "Can't Smile Without You", think what you may about me now, but that song is tender.)






I digress. I was watching my news show of choice-The Colbert Report-and Stephen Colbert is up for an Emmy Award for Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program-super yay! I don't know why he shouldn't win. I mean this man has done things!
He ran for President, got kicked out of the race for Commander in Chief, fought a giant styrofoam cup, he is immortal and is going to save humanity in the case of anything happens to his bucket of Truth Guts and Bud Light Lime, or a mass catastrophe, by sending his DNA laced with hot man sweat into space, and even has a super-spider named after him all while feeling the news at you in 30 minutesor less!! Needless to say that Stephen Colbert was excited about being nominated again since last time he lost. Here's the kicker-he lost to BARRY MANILOW!!!!!! Barry can't add any of those things to his resume!! One conversation about Barry Manilow and even The Colbert Nation is talking about him!!! MANILOW!!!! Emmy Please!!
















P.S. My friend and I have come to a peace treaty in the form of 3 Reese's Shakes. My treat of course.


I found a list of Truths about Stephen Colbert. Chuck Norris eat your heart out!

http://www.stephencolberttruths.com/

Friday, September 12, 2008

Gone green?

I'm positive that when I drive, no one is looking at me thinking, "that sure reminds me of Jesus", "that maneuver reminds of something the Savior would do!" In fact, it is probably the polar opposite. They might have coined the term road rage after watching me drive for a couple blocks, oh boy I hope not though.

It seems as though whenever you're in a hurry the cars in front of you seem like an enormous annoyance, and even when you're on a leisurely jaunt through country town, the cars behind you are irritating as well. It's usually never my fault. I am an almost perfect driver-no permanent demerits or traffic violations are on my criminal record anyway-I drive exactly the way I'm supposed to. Which, naturally, is my way or the highway. (pun intended)

Part of me wants to believe that I have authority issues and thus speed-break the law-to stick it to the man and "buck" the system. What system is that? That system, my friends, is the system that our hard earned and easy spent tax dollars use to employ Satan's minions to ruin perfectly good days.

Since my mini-stint in Utah over my long weekend, I've decided to do something about my authority issues. Now, whenever I get passed by some anal bead in a gas hog, I just think to myself, "one of these days I'll have revenge for this. My loyal buddy 'The System' never let's me down. He always gets his man."-traffic wise anyway, criminally speaking is an entirely different system altogether. Or I am going to say, "Your Mother must be so proud of you!" I say that because what have they won? Definitely not the pole position in the Indy 500, so who cares!! What have the got that I don't? An extra 5 seconds to pick their nose? Fair enough. What have I lost? Pride? Most likely, but it's not flattering anyway. Gas mileage? No sir. Studies show that going over 60 mph actually decreases your engines fuel efficiency. Proven fact. And when it's hot during the summer, it's better to roll down your windows and turn the AC off if you're going 35 mph or slower. Any faster and just turn on the AC and roll em on up because you aren't solving global warming with your measly vehicular AC, OR your iron pony's harmful emissions.

If losing a highway battle royale with a steel steed makes me a loser, then so be it. Because I've got one thing they don't have: a disco ball hanging from my rear view mirror.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

"I like me, and you should too!": Secret Life of Gwen

101 Fun Factoids about me:







1. I have chapstick stashed everywhere for those just in case moments.

2. I read. A lot. For fun. And enjoy it.

3. I am an impeccable speller. I'm my own spell check :)

4. In text messages I always punctuate, have correct capital letters, and use proper grammar.
5. I could eat home made macaroni and cheese for the rest of my life and be a-ok with that.

6. I have snowmobiled my entire life...as a co-pilot. I very seldom get to drive.

7. I have had 4 serious surgeries to fix the same problem.

8. I have pretty much had the same friends since kindergarten.

9. I am not as blind as my glasses say I am. No material thing can imprison me. NEVER!

10. I went through a controversial tom-boy phase in the 4th grade where I had long blonde hair that I curled or did something with every day, but dressed like a boy. Oh wait...fast forward to present day...still haven't grown out of it!

11. I could never wear jeans again in my life and die happy.

12. I used to have bottle cap glasses.

13. On those bottle cap glasses I used to have a Mickey/Minnie Mouse applique in the bottom corner of my glasses. My mom said it looked cool.

14. I like shoes. I won't disclose how many I own, but I will have you know that I wear all of them on a regular basis.

15. My mom believes in jewelry, and when she is no longer with us, I will too.

16. The last time I went paint-balling, I got shot in a tender place, cried my eyes out, ran away, and have never gone back.

17. I don't usually drink pop, unless it's my only option.

18. I can share shoes with my oldest sister, but not my other one.

19. My sister that I can't share shoes with and I steal clothes back and forth from each other.

20. I can't hide anything in my sock drawer...because it is entirely full of socks.

21. My first car was a tan 1979 Nissan Pick-up. I was ridin' dirty.

22. In the fall/winter months I like making bread and other comfort foods.

23. My first crush was Christian Slater.

24. I loved him because I saw him in Kuffs.

25. I hate pink.

26. The only vegetable I like are cucumbers.

27. I eat all the corners off of my sandwich first.

28. I only eat chunky peanut butter.

29. I never put on lotion.

30. I am terrible with art, but have a deep appreciation for it.

31. I'm OCD, but not very organized.

32. I won't wash my car unless I have time to clean my tires and wax it.

33. I thoroughly enjoy reading Shakespeare.

34. My favorite play is Much Ado About Nothing.

35. Sometimes I think I should have been born in the 19th century.

36. I love big ball gowns and getting dressed up.

37. Whenever something emotionally straining happens in my life, I change my hairstyle to cope.

38. I like reading deep, in depth books that make you think.

39. I never scream when I get scared.

40. My eyes vary in shades of blue in accordance with my mood. If I've been crying, my eyes are light blue/turquoise.

41. I really love camping.

42. I would rather bicycle for 1 hours than run for 20 minutes.

43. I am actually related to Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula.

44. My biggest fear is getting into trouble.

45. I usually feel guilty about things I do, and constantly worry that I'm being selfish with my decisions.

46. I have never broken a bone, but totally want to try crutches.

47. I always get hit with a ball or otherwise injured whenever I play a sport. Contact or not.

48. I usually wear socks to bed.

49. I love driving a stick shift.

50. I love mowing the lawn.

51. The songs on my playlists are never of the same genre. One rock, one contemporary, one country, one 80's hair band, etc.

52. My CTR ring is molded to the shape of my finger.

53. I can't ride a bicycle on gravel. I suppose I possess the ability, I just had a bad experience and try to avoid it at all costs.

54. I have an extremely good memory.

55. I only read books once.

56. I only watch movies once.

57. I love chivalry, but I don't always feel the need to have everything constantly done for me.

58. I'm not a feminist, but I think women should have equal rights, a voice, and be able to make their own decisions.

59. My closet is color coordinated, then sorted by sleeve length and style.

60. I love getting muddy.

61. I was never attached to a blanket or needed a pacifier when I was little.

62. I've milked a goat and helped birth kids-goat talk for "baby".

63. I've been on the front page of the newspaper.

64. Driven in excess of 100 mph.-Sorry Mom

65. I've hiked to hot springs while my leg was bleeding out.

66. I'm very good at understanding other languages even though I'm not fluent in any other than English.

67. I've shaved my dog like a lion.



68. I've shot a cow-my own-with a paintball gun.

69. I've taped a cats foot pads to see what would happen.

70. I've rocked a baby to sleep.

71. I'm pretty good at woodshop and have carved out and shaped a dolphin and dog.

72. I'm very considerate and thoughtful. (I hope)

73. I am an excellent tipper at restaurants.

74. I have really good hand eye coordination and rhythm, although I am not a very good pianist.

75. I chew the sides of my nails when I get nervous.

76. I don't like wearing hats, mostly because I think I look like a boy-which is not intended.

77. I don't put butter on my toast or french toast.

78. I could live off cereal I love it so much and did for a while in college voluntarily .

79. I won Young Writers 3 times.

80. My middle name is Breyette (bree-yet). I have yet to meet anyone with that name.

81. I love reading poetry, especially when I don't understand it because then I can interpret it to my life and it means so much more.

82. I've been stung my lots of bees at one time, just like the boy in My Girl.

83. I'm very self conscious about my height.

84. Laughed until I cried.

85. I know how to crochet and cross-stitch.

86. Practiced a sport for more than 6 hours straight.

87. I lose sense of reality more often than I should.

88. I've choked down something really gross, so I wouldn't be rude or seem like a high maintenance, picky eater.

89. My toenails (I hate that word by the way) are always painted.

90. I am convinced that I will be my mother.

91. Hidden because I was terrified.

92. I keep a list of thought provoking, inspirational, and meaningful quotes in my phone.

93. I like most songs because I can identify with the lyrics.

94. For my sweet 16, I was at the worst girls camp location, but that was the most memorable year.

95. I never wear watches, and actually don't own one.

96. I love exotic, beautiful jewelry from other countries.

97. The best advice I've ever gotten is: To never cry over someone who isn't willing to cry over you. Courtesy of Lauren Conrad from The Hills.

98. I used to not like my name and asked my mom if I could change it. She said give it time. Now I think I like it.

99. I really enjoy biology topics and classes, but don't do very well in them.

100. It takes me 30-45 minutes to eat one orange. It gives me the willies to eat the skin and stringy things.

101. I like sitting alone in silence.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Is that your brains on the floor, or did I just blow your mind?

Lately, I find myself dragging my feet about blogging. My personal coup against myself if you will. Not that I have nothing to blog about. Believe me, I could go all day. It's just...gloomy weather makes for a gloomy Gwen. I firmly believe that summer is officially over. And has been since the day fair ended. I have already bought myself a new pair-ok 2 pair-of winter slippers. One was 5 dollars and totally old manish-yet uber comfortable, thus uber justifiable. Broke out sweatshirts and pants? Check. Dusted off last seasons winter coat? Double Check. You show me a day that it gets above 85-90 degrees and I'll print this blog out and literally eat my words. Call me a seasonal pessimist...but I am not Falls hugest fan. I love the colors, and I really like to layer stuff-and can't wait to break free and parade my fur lined vest once more-It's just the doom and gloom that seems inevitably forlorn in the forecast for Fall. Summer lovin' is over. Summertime memories no more. No more catchy tunes about summer lovin' or flings-neither of which my summer consisted of. Excited as I am about pending new changes in my super thrilling existence, Fall never ceases to put me in a funk. So to get myself out of this so called funk, I had to bring into play the heavy artillery. My cowboy calendar. It's something about half clothed men-which half I shall leave to your disgression-with a cowboy hat and utility belt that instantly morphs me into a giddy little school-girl and that's just what the Doctor ordered.