So, I started a workout and diet regimen. I think I might be dying.
Okay, maybe I'm not dying, but O. M. G.
I gave up carbs. I WANT BREAD so badly. Like I dream about quesadillas and Subway. And I gave up sugar (except for my coffee creamer). I want ICE CREAM. I'm not kidding. I'm feeling like all I want are things that are bad for me. Isn't that supposed to go away? Aren't you supposed to happily crave all things good after a little bit? Yeah, not happening here. I want all the fatty, carby things.
I started the Bikini Body Mommy 90 day challenge. I joined on day 15, so it's really the 75 day challenge for me. You know that awesome sore from working out that makes you feel so good? Good hurt? I don't have that. I am hobbling. As of today I have shin splints. I am MISERABLE.
I hate my body. I do. I HATE it. I can't stand looking in the mirror. I don't want to be naked (and I hate clothes). I don't want anyone looking at me. I'm embarassed by the extra baby/medication weight I am carrying around. But I'm so so sore and hungry. This shit is hard.
I wish I could have a gym membership, have time to go, and could go when they can watch the kids so I can work out at a pace and style that better suits me.
I haven't done a weigh-in yet. That happens every 2 weeks. So I'm hoping to see some improvement when that day happens, because honestly, if I don't see SOME sort of change, I'm going to be very disheartened and inclined to quit the pain.
I know, lifestyle changes are hard. But I'm not really up for hurting myself in the quest for weight loss. There has got to be a less painful way....
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Diagnosis: Strong-Willed
So, we saw the pediatrician today. The news is good. For him, LOL.
His behaviors are consistent with a strong-willed and super smart kid. No autistic issues. He even recommended books about strong-willed children. So he's fine, we're just in trouble with this one.
He said the keys are consistency and positive reinforcement and that pushing things with him will only make things worse. Offer "choices" to guide him, making it seem as though HE got to make the decision. He assured me he will eventually learn to obey and will probably always push limits but that it will get easier.
Basically, he's a handful, he will continue to be a handful, but there's nothing "wrong" with him.
I guess I'm reassured. Just tired. And off to read books about strong-willed children. Oy.
His behaviors are consistent with a strong-willed and super smart kid. No autistic issues. He even recommended books about strong-willed children. So he's fine, we're just in trouble with this one.
He said the keys are consistency and positive reinforcement and that pushing things with him will only make things worse. Offer "choices" to guide him, making it seem as though HE got to make the decision. He assured me he will eventually learn to obey and will probably always push limits but that it will get easier.
Basically, he's a handful, he will continue to be a handful, but there's nothing "wrong" with him.
I guess I'm reassured. Just tired. And off to read books about strong-willed children. Oy.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Decision
After talking to my mom (yes, I still ask my mom for advice) who spent 10 years working with an Autism program in the schools, I've decided to call the pedi and take P in. I'm going to ask for an evaluation. It could just be that he is strong willed, big personality. It could just be that he's super smart and gets absorbed in the things he is doing. (Don't even try talking to me when I'm reading. I won't hear you. It's like that.) But I've worked myself up into a tizzy worrying now. Actually allowing myself to worry. I even took books out of the library on some topics.
Just for the sake of record keeping, the things that are bothering me (and that bothered my mom) are
Just for the sake of record keeping, the things that are bothering me (and that bothered my mom) are
- obsessive behaviors
- difficult to engage at times (gets so absorbed with things that he will not respond to you)
- no change in how he deals with his brother - basically ignores him, including his safety, most of the time
- discipline, talking do not help with hitting and throwing. no change in that behavior.
Again, this could all be completely normal. Normal is a broad range. But I'm going to feel better if I have him evaluated and find out.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
ASD?
I've never considered P's behaviors as indicative of the Autism Spectrum Disorder. Autism? Not my kid. He is sociable, fun loving, not at all withdrawn. But several of my friends whose children are on the spectrum replied to that last post saying perhaps we should have him evaluated based on their experiences with their children.
His well visit is in March, 2 months from now. So I'm thinking I will bring it up then. Early Intervention is a bit touchy right now because he is so close to the cutoff, so I'm wondering if it is worth having them come out at this point, or if we could even get in with them. (Horrid run on sentence, sorry). I think I want some input from the pediatrician first.
It seems odd to take toddler behaviors and diagnose him. I've obviously never had a toddler before, so just assumed all this stuff is normal toddler stuff. Especially since he isn't socially awkward, speaks, makes eye contact, and such. Kid comes up to me at least once a day with hugs and "I wuv you Mommy." I don't want to jump and have a diagnosis at such an early age if he is just being a stereotypical toddler. He is mostly good with other kids. I say mostly because sharing is so not his thing and he is physical about getting his way.
Is it worth seeing the pedi now? Or wait a couple months? Thoughts?
God, I really don't want to think about this.
His well visit is in March, 2 months from now. So I'm thinking I will bring it up then. Early Intervention is a bit touchy right now because he is so close to the cutoff, so I'm wondering if it is worth having them come out at this point, or if we could even get in with them. (Horrid run on sentence, sorry). I think I want some input from the pediatrician first.
It seems odd to take toddler behaviors and diagnose him. I've obviously never had a toddler before, so just assumed all this stuff is normal toddler stuff. Especially since he isn't socially awkward, speaks, makes eye contact, and such. Kid comes up to me at least once a day with hugs and "I wuv you Mommy." I don't want to jump and have a diagnosis at such an early age if he is just being a stereotypical toddler. He is mostly good with other kids. I say mostly because sharing is so not his thing and he is physical about getting his way.
Is it worth seeing the pedi now? Or wait a couple months? Thoughts?
God, I really don't want to think about this.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Not In Charge
I'll admit it. I'm not in charge of my child. I'm not sure where I went wrong, but P is definitely in charge. It seems his will is stronger than mine. He can reduce me to tears. The stubbornness is epic.
Yesterday he went until 5 pm on 1 PediaSure and flavored water. Because he only wanted chocolate milk and I won't let him live on that. Then he acquiesced and ate some crackers and a banana. He eats only a few things. He WILL NOT try new foods. How he continues to grow is beyond me. I can't force him. I despair of him ever eating like a normal person. It just seems to get worse the older he gets. Typical conversation: "Want chocolate milk." "You can have crackers or a banana or 'juice'..." "Want chocolate milk." "No, I told you what you can have." "WANT CHOCOLATE MILK." "No." "Want juice."
He refuses baths a lot. This is a kid who normally loves baths and swimming and water. But god forbid he be clean. Sometimes I just can't deal with the battle, so he just gets dirty. Last night I sucked it up, dealt with the screaming, writhing mess of my near-preschooler, and got him in the bath. It was horrid. Most times I just don't have the energy. He wins. I surrender. At least in the summer he was in the pool everyday so I could pretend he was clean.
Sleep. He wakes up every night. Many nights he crawls on the couch with Hubby (who sleeps there because it makes his back hurt less), but often he decides it's party time at some godawful hour. And throws a tantrum if you don't give in to his want for the phone or the tablet or whatever. Last night he was pulling toys out and generally making a racket and a mess. At like 1 am. Hubby usually deals with him, but those nights we are all affected. I swear he has insomnia.
The TV. It's his. The battle is not worth it to me most of the time. He screams, shrieks. He is horrid. And god forbid we don't give in to a whim. Hitting. He hits. Time outs? Won't stay in them. "Stop that or you get a time out. Do you want time out?" "Okay." You can see how effective this is.
I'm not sure where I lost the disciplinarian battle. I try. I really do. Maybe it's just toddler/preschooler hell. Perhaps in the next year we will see some improvement. I can hope, right? It's normal for them to be evil and horrid at this age, right? I've heard the terms Terrible Twos, Terrorist Threes, Threenager. I get them. I do.
I should note that he is also incredibly loving and has a great laugh and is such a joy a lot of the time. But I feel like he is definitely in charge and as though I have failed as a parent because my toddler is in charge. Oy. Parenthood is not easy. Rewarding, but hard as hell.
Yesterday he went until 5 pm on 1 PediaSure and flavored water. Because he only wanted chocolate milk and I won't let him live on that. Then he acquiesced and ate some crackers and a banana. He eats only a few things. He WILL NOT try new foods. How he continues to grow is beyond me. I can't force him. I despair of him ever eating like a normal person. It just seems to get worse the older he gets. Typical conversation: "Want chocolate milk." "You can have crackers or a banana or 'juice'..." "Want chocolate milk." "No, I told you what you can have." "WANT CHOCOLATE MILK." "No." "Want juice."
He refuses baths a lot. This is a kid who normally loves baths and swimming and water. But god forbid he be clean. Sometimes I just can't deal with the battle, so he just gets dirty. Last night I sucked it up, dealt with the screaming, writhing mess of my near-preschooler, and got him in the bath. It was horrid. Most times I just don't have the energy. He wins. I surrender. At least in the summer he was in the pool everyday so I could pretend he was clean.
Sleep. He wakes up every night. Many nights he crawls on the couch with Hubby (who sleeps there because it makes his back hurt less), but often he decides it's party time at some godawful hour. And throws a tantrum if you don't give in to his want for the phone or the tablet or whatever. Last night he was pulling toys out and generally making a racket and a mess. At like 1 am. Hubby usually deals with him, but those nights we are all affected. I swear he has insomnia.
The TV. It's his. The battle is not worth it to me most of the time. He screams, shrieks. He is horrid. And god forbid we don't give in to a whim. Hitting. He hits. Time outs? Won't stay in them. "Stop that or you get a time out. Do you want time out?" "Okay." You can see how effective this is.
I'm not sure where I lost the disciplinarian battle. I try. I really do. Maybe it's just toddler/preschooler hell. Perhaps in the next year we will see some improvement. I can hope, right? It's normal for them to be evil and horrid at this age, right? I've heard the terms Terrible Twos, Terrorist Threes, Threenager. I get them. I do.
I should note that he is also incredibly loving and has a great laugh and is such a joy a lot of the time. But I feel like he is definitely in charge and as though I have failed as a parent because my toddler is in charge. Oy. Parenthood is not easy. Rewarding, but hard as hell.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
PTSD?
So...
It's been well over a year since I've had sex. Like when Finn was conceived long time. I can't do it. The only reason Finn was conceived is that I was self-medicating. When I got pregnant and spent time in the hospital all that stopped. And apparently so did my ability to have sex.
Which all stems from the rape.
I was talking to a friend recently and she said it sounds like PTSD. I had never considered that. I know I need therapy, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT. Because I don't want to think about it any more than I already do.
But the current situation isn't healthy and is extremely unfair to Hubby.
Why can't I just stay in denial and avoidance?
It's been well over a year since I've had sex. Like when Finn was conceived long time. I can't do it. The only reason Finn was conceived is that I was self-medicating. When I got pregnant and spent time in the hospital all that stopped. And apparently so did my ability to have sex.
Which all stems from the rape.
I was talking to a friend recently and she said it sounds like PTSD. I had never considered that. I know I need therapy, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT. Because I don't want to think about it any more than I already do.
But the current situation isn't healthy and is extremely unfair to Hubby.
Why can't I just stay in denial and avoidance?
Friday, January 17, 2014
Nervous
I start a new job soon. When is up in the air, but soon. At a preschool, though I will specifically be a floater half the day and with the after school kids the 2nd half of the day. I'm hoping I get to move to the younger kids eventually, or can one day get into an elementary program. Anywho, I'm nervous.
I'm nervous because the start date has gotten pushed back due to new construction and the director is not great at communicating and my paranoid self keeps thinking they've decided not to hire me after all.
I'm nervous that I'll fuck it up. I never used to be like this, but ever since being fired nearly 2 years ago my self-confidence is SHOT. I don't trust myself.
I'm also sad about leaving the kids I work with now. It's hard to build that bond and then leave suddenly.
I'm nervous about how working full time again is going to affect my relationship with my children. I will be spending more time with other people's kids than my own, and Abuela will see them more than I do. It's shitty. I hate it.
I really hope it starts soon, though, so that anxious waiting is over. The waiting is the hardest part. It makes me nuts.
I'm nervous because the start date has gotten pushed back due to new construction and the director is not great at communicating and my paranoid self keeps thinking they've decided not to hire me after all.
I'm nervous that I'll fuck it up. I never used to be like this, but ever since being fired nearly 2 years ago my self-confidence is SHOT. I don't trust myself.
I'm also sad about leaving the kids I work with now. It's hard to build that bond and then leave suddenly.
I'm nervous about how working full time again is going to affect my relationship with my children. I will be spending more time with other people's kids than my own, and Abuela will see them more than I do. It's shitty. I hate it.
I really hope it starts soon, though, so that anxious waiting is over. The waiting is the hardest part. It makes me nuts.
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