- 頑張ったんだけど･･･ -

頑張ったんだけど･･･無理だよ。

なんで一所懸命で？

もう疲れた。笑顔と泣いて最も痛みを伴うよ。

耐えられなきゃねぇー。

強くになりたい。ヨーシ！

- もう終わった -

原来笑着哭最痛。

我累了。真得好累，好累。

想请假，但没空。那天原本请了半天假，却最后还得取消。

你曾经有过这种经历吗？你已经精疲力尽，但却得带着笑容面对世界。

那天和同事在房间真理一些资料，便谈了起来。说着，说着，泪水不知为何地掉落了。我就笑了，说：“对不起，泪水不听我的话，不停地流。”

她看着我，说了一句话，深深地留在我的脑海里。“今天，我了解到什么是笑着哭最痛。”

==========

请你别再问我发生了什么。因为原因我也不晓得。我也不想跟你谈这件事。

谢谢合作。

- いいんです -

もう十分。止まります。

今まで、楽しかったです。
お世話になりました。。

- 困ってるん -

Recently, I found a little more time and managed to get out of my hibernation mode to go out and meet friends that I haven't met in a long while.

Work has been usurping my life. So much so that a colleague and I started the "Life-Preservation Campaign" in an attempt to preserve what's left of our lives. Life here is defined as social life; life outside of work. But we learnt that Life as defined by the management when they say Work-Life Balance, actually means Work-Life Integration. Work = Life. Work is life. Their lives. Not mine.

So anyway, prolonged hours staring at a computer and dealing with nasty people has an adverse effect on my moods. Let's just say I haven't been the nicest person to be with. I can be happy one moment, and the next, all sulky and moody. I even vent my...erm...displeasure on people whom I feel close to; the people whom I do not feel the necessity to hide my emotions.

Not that I'm a person good with hiding my emotions. Every friend who has known me enough say that I'm like an open book. My emotions are written on my face. Trust me. I have been trying to "close this book" in the past 2 years but I really wonder what the success rate is.

Recently, these tear-ducts of mine have also been overly active. I blame it on the lack of sleep and the stress I'm facing. I can't even control the water droplets that are released from these ducts. I don't even know what triggers them. The more I try to control them, the more they try to escape and my face turns all red.

I recall one of those Fridays that I had to report to work at 7+. I was a total wreck. I had a presentation in the morn at 8am and had to conduct a session at 830am. Moreover, the night before I was hurt by some fellow's words and the fear of oversleeping kept me awake for most of the night. Imagine how I looked when I reached office. Eyes puffy and bloodshot. AND half-awake. I felt like a swallowed an electronic hammer with all the pounding and throbbing in my head.

I'm not a coffee drinker. But in recent months, I have been drinking coffee just to keep awake and force my brain to work that extra mile. Starbucks has become a haven for my happy drink. My manager, assistant and I will trudge to Starbucks a few times a week to reward ourselves with a cuppa. I no longer indulge in Frappes. I drink Cappucino (how do you spell it anyway) now. I love the bitter taste as compared to the sweetness of Frappes. I've matured *ahem*.

But I've digressed. And what else is new? Haha. I meant to talk about the emotions that I have been feeling lately...

So I've been sharing with a number of friends the changes in my life and my inability to deal with the situations and the emotions that arise from them. Most of them tell me that they are excited for me and to keep an open mind.

I'm trying. I really am. But through this journey, I discover more about myself. More bad points about myself that I'm really praying about and trying to rid myself of them. I used to think I would behave in a certain manner if I were to be caught in the situation. But truth be told, I actually behave in a manner that I myself hate, yet cannot do anything about it at the moment.

Thank God I have this friend, who have been really honest and drops me liners about how I'm reacting. Perhaps, 'over-reacting' will be a better word. These liners are like slaps in my face...reminding me what a terrible person I am.

I think that with my current personality...I may lose what I have now.

I really got to change.

God, please help me.