what's wrong...

what I hate about myself

coping, moving on, and the difficulty of it

for the girls overseas whom I miss, my past week i...

on being the early bird

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blind

that tingling feeling

smooth as butter

purple blueberry lips

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credits

layout: detonatedlove♥
pictures: ohhspontaneityy
stocks: _excentric_

I guess leaving things virtually unresolved was really a bad idea. Even though things seem to have gone back to normal, I can't deny the undercurrents that continue to brew beneath the surface. And I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive, but it feels like a big part of the equation has changed, and it might be largely my own fault for letting it drag on like that. All at once, I noticed I'd been oblivious to how skewed things were and have been, and now I just can't ignore it anymore. And I'm not exactly liking this new perspective very much, but I'm at such a loss as to what I can do to restore things.

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whenever I go out with friends I'm not so close to, and there's the need to socialize, and impress while you're at it, I panic! which makes me xenophobic to a certain extent. and the fear stems largely from my worry of not being interesting or being able to carry on a meaningful conversation. and its not like my fears are unfounded, because even though I may be first class at talking crap, and blabbering about all manner of topics which do not involve real life issues, I really do lack the interest in meaningful topics. topics like jobs, and politics, and the economy which at my 22 years, and at my current stage of being about to enter the workforce, I ought to have a bevy of knowledge of. and I don't like to have to keep quiet and listen on like a bimbo when other people are engaging in meaningful exchanges of info.

hell, I don't even know what intend to achieve in my career - whether I'm gonna stay in the tax line, or do I eventually want to join a bank like everyone covets to do, and whether I intend to achieve a CPA, or further my studies in a masters degree. these are some questions which I have neglected to give much thought about so far. And I've always envied the people who have a set of goals in mind, since I've always found it so hard to figure out what I want. as I was discussing with shihui on the way home just now, perhaps it boils down to how everything in my life so far has been so plain sailing; everything has been laid out pretty much in order for me. even my choice of university degree was more or less influenced by my parents. its been a case of 'one thing at a time' for me; I complete each stage of my education, and move on to the next, and somehow everything just fell into place without me having to give much thought. its probably largely because I'm not exactly someone you would say has a strong mind of my own, or far-sighted, and neither am I the decisive sort; I feel the need to consult others on these kind of decisions. these are traits I kind of hate, because they make me too reliant on others, and wishy-washy.

take all that, and add a brain which is far too lazy for my own good. One which doesn't mind absorbing information, but is too lazy to process, which also comes with a rather discouraging attrition rate. an obvious sign is how I can fall asleep the instant my head hits the pillow. so far, nothing has ever really kept me awake all night before. :( and much as I'd like to stay awake tonight figuring all this, I think for tonight, its better I fall asleep right away, seeing as it is already 7am. tomorrow night, when I'm better rested, I WILL think through it.

and they say you're always your own biggest critic.

**Trivia - gynophobia (a fear of women) and androphobia (a fear of men)

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mom's been having bouts of vertigo often these days. its a condition which causes dizzy spells and headaches when she turns her head too quickly and suddenly, and more than once, she ended up fainting when it gets too bad. just today she was much less than her energetic self and had to lie on the couch the whole day, toweling herself down to avoid the dizzyness and nausea from striking her again. and like all the other times when it's happened (the last time was less than 2 weeks ago), she wasn't having much of an appetite, and she could only stomach plain water-boiled porridge, pickled cai xin, preserved beancurd and some pork floss. she's seen a doctor many times, and each time the doctors can only give her medication to help alleviate the discomfort after vertigo strikes, but never anything to prevent it from happening again. apparently there isn't any medication that can help with that. from what the docs say, it doesn't seem like a condition that could turn out to be something more serious, and they only suggested she get her ears checked, because it could have something to do with that. but even so, I can see what an inconvenience it is causing on her life. she's had to miss work 2 days yesterday and today, and when it strikes her, she always looks so tired and unbearably uncomfortable. and I feel a little cheesy saying this, but its heart-wrenching to see her like that. I miss my mom who comes into my room, lies on my bed and tries to poke her nose into what I'm doing on my laptop, or who acts quite like a child and plays around with me as we trying to disturb each other with pokes, tickles and smacks. hopefully when she goes for her checkup at the hospital they'll be able to find out the cause... and stop her from having to endure it again.

I have this funny habit of thinking morbid stuff to remind myself how much more I should appreciate having my family around me. morbid stuff like, what if he/she wasn't around anymore? And it works everytime. I cry just thinking how devastated I would be. Silly right, but when I look at how life is unpredictable, and how as frequently as new life is breathed into this world, lives are taken away as carelessly, I guess it really is important to treat the people you love as you would if you knew they would be gone the next day. gone the next day.... such a bloody scary thought.

Just like how the school children in China's earthquake struck areas didn't expect a tragedy to strike so out of the blue, nor expect that they might lose a classmate, teacher, a family member, or a limb. And reading the papers this morning about how now, almost 10 days after the quake, they try to restore some semblance of order to their lives, and resume classes again, it is heart-wrenching to hear their tales again. And how some of them, typical playful school kids before the disaster, have become so much more subdued, serious, and intent on doing their best in school, in order to be successful, and then come back to rebuild their home town. I'm sure the hard lesson of the fragility of life wasn't something they'd expected to learn at school that day.

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I'm finding joy in the days when I wake up early, and spend a full day doing all the things I've jotted down for so long on my to-do list.

I woke up at 9, wanting to squeeze some cookie-baking in before going to visit xiuping at her house in the afternoon, and hoping to surprise her with delicious oatmeal almond cookies. After 2 hours of careless recipe reading and mixing, my cookies were a horrible disaster. in fact, when I rushed out of the house at past 12, the house (not just the kitchen) was smelling strongly of burnt oatmeal almond cookies. haha it's gonna be a success the next time though, I'm sure of it.

we had quick lunch, did some grocery shopping and then headed back to her place, lazing around till dinner time came around (not exactly very much done in between, but it was just nice hanging out with her after not seeing her for so long...) dinner was a cheap but yummy affair at the foodcourt. our favourite fish soup with rice vermicelli. *slurps* and then we got tickets for Speed Racer - highlight of the night!

We both thought it was a cheesy show at first, what with the cartoon-like quality and the throwing in of Rain which seemed like a measure to boost its box-office takings. But we went to check out reviews on yahoo movies, and some of the thumbs ups there made us decide to give it a second chance. And we both weren't disappointed! I was virtually gripping my seat through all the car race scenes. It was a classic good triumphs over evil movie, filled with swirling candy technicolours reminiscent of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, high tech futuristic cities a la I, Robot starring Will Smith and a twist to top it off at the end. Exciting, comical and heartwarming (I couldn't help tear at some parts!) and well, a little predictable at some parts, but its all in the name of entertainment. I had such a blast through the 1 hour plus I left the theatre smiling :)

And then on the way home, 12 hours after I'd boarded the train going the opposite way, with the train mostly empty and quiet, I was lost in the soul of Jamie Lidell and in the pages of my rather bimbotic book. haha And I re-remembered how I enjoyed long rides on my own, not having to talk, just listening to awesome music! I was kinda hoping the train would never reach my stop, so I could finish my book, because at home, the computer somehow never manages to distract me, like right now.

Its been almost a month since my exams ended. And as usual, time flew past. I think I should stop saying that and get used to the fact that time ALWAYS flies past. It really felt like my last paper was just a week ago. And I still remember quite clearly that last day of exams - 2 papers in a day, and mambo at night. haha I must have been crazy. The weeks that ensued are kinda lost in a blur - waking up late in the afternoons, going out with friends, staying home watching shows on my laptop. I think I should do more of the waking up early, cause it sure feels more well-spent then sleeping it away. Okays! Bedtime soon... nites, world :)

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this morning I crawled out from under my comforter at 9.45am, a far cry from my 12pm usual wake up times (not that I'm extremely proud of it). Avenue Q tickets originally worth $100/$120 were going at $15 a pop in celebration of the Singapore Repetoire Theatre's 15th Anniversary. Limited to 15 tickets for each of the first 7 days of the musical's run here in Singapore, it was going to be a matter of fastest caller first and I was bent on being amongst the first few the minute the SISTIC hotline opened at 10am.

Of course, knowing the money-mindedness of Singaporean, they'd further limited it to a maximum of 2 tickets per customer. Without which, you'd probably have Avenue Q tickets auctioning off on yahoo auctions within the hour (I just checked. None yet. haha). But really, this brings me back to a topic I was discussing last night. Are Singaporeans really money-faced? All ready to jump at any opportunity to make money? I would admit that the idea did cross my mind. I would get a pair of tickets, and if I couldn't find someone to watch it with me, I could still sell it off and earn me a bit of money. And surely many other people would have had the thought. At $15 each, it wouldn't have done much harm to buy a few more tickets (if it had been possible) and then selling them off at anything even close to their original worth.

In last night's pre-bedtime chatter, the friend implied our gov was as money-minded. And I probably represent a case of successful indoctrination, because I can more easily name the arguments for being money-minded than the dis-arguments. Money makes the world go round. Money is power. And without money, some interests e.g. travel can't be pursued. And our nation, small as it is, needs to amass wealth and stay important to the huge powerful economies of USA, UK and China. And I haven't exactly come from a rich family myself. I remember the things I couldn't afford and had to give up, watching with envy as my friends indulged. But then, I also realised I could probably live without some of these things; money really isn't everything, is it? I can count my blessings which don't come about because of money. And so, maybe some of that extra money should be put to better use. Donating to the Cyclone Nargis victims in Myanmar, buying a pack of tissue from the blind man at the hawker.

Somehow, overnight, I've removed my rose-tinted glasses and I'm now looking at everything through a questioning glass, finally seeing things in true colour. And it's been about time.

Oh, I forgot to add that I eventually didn't manage to get the $15 tickets, even though I was put through to the SISTIC operator at about 10.04am. She told me they'd been all sold out. Are Singaporeans kiasu? I think so.

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I've just been put in a not-so-good mood for bed. I just listened to a friend rant about the gov, which eventually ensued to singaporeans being the cause for the f-ed-up-ness of how our entire country functions. Not exactly the most sleep-inducing bed time chatter.

Are we too comfortable in our own lives? Too caught up in our own failures and successes to care about the world beyond our 9-5pm job? Too jaded by the demands of society since we were wee kindgergarten kids to open our eyes to the suffering that takes place around us daily. Maybe the average singaporean just lives too good a life to know what suffering feels like. Good food, a safe home and comfortable clothing, we have it all. We're a generation which has been accustomed to living in comfort. Maybe instead of having school excursions to the science center, its time we brought the school children to experience living in conditions where air conditioning doesn't exist, beds are mats laid out on hard ground and PSPs, XBoxes and Wiis were unheard of.

To be perfectly honest, I would say I'm a perfect example of the Singaporean education system. Went to respectable institutions, graduating and about to enter into a stable job. Went through all that studying day and night, sitting for countless exams and placing any other interests at a backseat. I haven't had a childhood shadowed by hardship, haven't been exposed to the fallacies of the perfect singaporean education system, or NS for that matter. Fallacies which have been debated over and over in the forum, in the ministerial meetings, but which eventually, somehow still exist. Except now its been accepted, and placed at the back of the mind. Overtaken by more "important" issues affecting our economy and very importantly, the wealth of the country, such as the IR, the F1 race, price of rice, so on and so forth. But who really cares whether the begger on the street can even afford his next meal as the cost of food goes up.

But really, I'm not judging. I'm guilty of all above as charged. I just wonder why I've become such a person. So devoid of empathy, so blind to anything I don't wish to see for fear of it reminding me that suffering still exists in this world. Or I see, but I do not feel. I guess if I had felt anything, I might have chosen a different course of study other than accountancy. And I feel ashamed. My life is too good. And I'm too caught up with living the good life. And it took a good jolt from someone really disbelieving in the s'pore system to make me look outside my beautiful snow globe.

there are many more threads of thought swimming in my brain. I want to be a better person... I want to care, and care from my heart. and lets hope I don't fall asleep tonight and conveniently forget everything I've felt in the last half an hour.

but how, do you strike a balance between your life and caring for the world beyond you?

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as I'm recovering from a bout of sniffles (as the fashionbloggers like to call it) after taking both Clarinase and Panadol extra, I feel like my body has just awoken from a really long deep sleep, and the whole world suddenly seems extremely bright. At the same time though, I can feel pulses going through my body to the tips of my fingers and my toes, the same feeling I recall experiencing after coming in from the sub-zero cold in Oslo and thawing in front of the heater. They're trembling a little, and I feel drugged.

But, this has somehow been good for my studying, cause after 2 days of accomplishing close to nothing, I've finally been able to sit my ass still enough to go through my backlog of studying without constantly peering at whether there are updates on my Google Reader. This reminds me of what Nicholas (the german one) said he used to do when the exams come around - take aspirin for undivided concentration. Am kinda toying with the idea, looking at the amount of studying I have to finish by Sunday night. Plus, I'm secretly enjoying this feeling of being just slightly intoxicated.

Alrights, while it lasts, I'm going to get as much studying done as possible. Somehow I've accumulated a whole load of things I want to blog about during the past few weeks, but I just don't have the time to do it! Will after the exams though. Tatas for now!

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these days, my musical diet has consisted mostly of the energetic beats of my favourite trance-meister, Tiesto, or the R&B rhythms of Step Up 2 to keep me awake while studying... but sometimes its nice to relax a little to some loungey jazz, especially if you're having butterflies in your stomach so bad that it makes you want to throw up your breakfast. Exactly how I felt yesterday morning before my exam.

And by chance the night before, I discovered Olivia Ong, a local jazz performer who moved to Japan at a young age and developed her career there. So in actual fact she's not much of a Singaporean in substance, but no matter, I'm always on the look out for jazz voices like hers. Soothing without having to try hard. And with an accent and style you can still distinguish as being rather Singaporean (think Corrine May without such a strong accent). Nice.

The last jazz singer I was hooked onto was Lisa Ekdahl, back in the JC days! And its nice to find new songs to add to the jazz collection, except I can't seem to download Olivia Ong's songs! :X Thankfully someone uploaded them on imeem (love this website), allowing me to have my steady diet of her songs. I've added them to the blog too, look to the right under 'music junkie' :)
Some of my favourites - Fade Away and Wave.

kays, off to work again, tataas!

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HURRAYY! Don't have to give up my laptop no more! :D

Cause the mom says they're gonna get a new one for the brother. And she asked if I actually didn't want to give up mine, TRUTHFULLY. So I told her yes, and how I was so sad I couldn't concentrate on studying for a while that day. she called a silly girl, for agreeing to it when I actually didn't want to. And she also said I was such an obedient little girl (not in such perfect english, more like 'you so guai ah... I say give then you must give'). And you know even though I'm really a little girl no more, I still like to be my mommy's obedient little girl, so I was reduced to being my mommy's girl just now. I like! I miss my mommy.

Purple lips, from eating blueberry waffle for dinner! The roommate says I kissed a purple person...

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I know I know, I've been posting an awful lot these days. But its just easy to blog now since I'm practically chained to my desk every waking hour and the laptop is just right in front of me. I should waste less time on it, I know that too. But right now, I'm taking a little break from studying, so I'll post this video up! Its just another of those interesting videos, just cute. Okays enjoy!



To Fire Hydrant Box: I never knew you could talk! *grins... but thankyouuuu, it cheers me up to see a talking fire hydrant box! haha sorry I forgot to apologize that time. There was a monster chasing after me and I was in a hurry to escape. I'm sure you witnessed all of that. hahahaha Oh, and I think you're taking fire safety and rescue exams aren't you? so all the best to you too! hehe

I think I will miss the fire hydrant box when I graduate! lolx

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the mom just informed me that I'll probably have to pass my laptop down to the younger brother, since he'll need one in poly. And it should be fine really, with the extra desktop that he now uses and the extra laptop that is supposedly for my dad's work we have at home. But somehow I'm feeling this swelling of heart, and I'm really quite reluctant.

Maybe its the idea of having to share, that I'm not so used to. I've had my own laptop for the past 3 years. Everything I do is saved on this laptop which has served me rather well so far. my photos, my tonnes of music, conversations (not that I really go back and read them), and just the familiar feel of typing on these keys. Keys, which have acquired a sheen on particular spots from use, such as on the right corner of my spacebar. Keys which have helped me hit 110RPM on facebook's typing application, which make such a soothing tapping noise as compared to keyboards (I'm secretly in love with the sound of typing on laptops).

It also doesn't help that the desktop downstairs is in the living room, and maybe I could move it up to the room so I can use it in my own space. But the mom seemed a little resistant to that when I mentioned it. All she said was 'why would you want to take the desktop, its so bulky and takes up so much space.' But I can just imagine how lost I would feel without a computer that is MINE. When I go home these days I usually bring the laptop with me, even if its only for a night, so I can have a computer to use anytime. I can already imagine the brother wanting to play his games on the desktop. And everyone knows how much chatting on msn I do. A LOT. and for entire nights. It sucks having to share a computer!

And well the mom reminded me that when I start work I'll hardly have time to use the computer too, considering I should be working till pretty late at night. But I already know myself that the first thing I'll do when I get home even after a long day's work is turn on the computer, cause right now that's the case, and I don't foresee it changing. First thing I do when I wake up or come home for the past 3 years - turn on the computer. I am that addicted to computers! But I also think its normal... most people I know are like this too... So how to sharee I ask you :(

Plus it just feels a little unfair that I have to give up this something that belongs to me, and not get anything in exchange! I don't get the desktop, and the laptop is well rightfully for the dad's work. Sorry if that sounded childish. I know I shouldn't be, and I did agree to it. But it still doesn't feel good! rawr. I would be happier if you know, she agreed to give me the desktop. See, I'm not even that picky. I just want something which is mine. :( *honestly I'm on the verge of tearing. And she did say that if I minded, they could always get a new one for the brother. But of course I couldn't have said I mind. That would have been insensible of me. And so I chose to do the right thing by adult standards, but it doesn't feel right inside. I hate forcing my in-reality-childish brain into thinking adult thoughts! I wanna get away with everything forever! (I feel like Calvin from Calvin&Hobbes. hating adults.)

And I asked the mom when I would have to hand over the laptop, so I can mentally prepare myself for the loss. The answer was - 'asap.' Which made me even sadder, and I now cannot really concentrate on studying. When I watched The Bucket List with shee and mich, Morgan Freeman's character said in the show 'When asked if they would like to know on what date they will meet death, most people said NO. But I would prefer to know.' I belong to the majority. And its silly for likening this to death, but I feel sad knowing when I have to part with my laptop. And its not like I can create a bucket list of things to do with my laptop. SO yea. SAD.

Actually you know what, I could make the best of it, and just type tonnes of posts while I still have complete ownership of my laptop. Making the best of it right now!

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while I'm losing sleep and tearing my hair out trying to figure out the calculations and journal entries to make for the paper in 4 days time, its comforting to know that the person whom my textbook previously belonged to was going through the same thing one semester ago. And also damn amusing when you see a big circle around some complicated calculations and the word FUCK scrawled in frustrated capitals beside it. hahaha thank you aimeee.... I was laughing to myself a few times over when I saw that. totally perked me up. :)

the early bird that always calls its morning call is up already, and I haven't even gone to bed yet. randomness, but hearing that bird call always reminds me of primary school at St Nicks, cause I'd always hear it on the way to school. Probably cause back then school began at freaking 7.30am and it was still early enough to hear them.

Gonna go wash up and head to bed now, catch a few sorry hours of sleep before waking up to continue my valiant efforts to keep up with my study schedule. its friday but doesn't feel like it to me... :( no TGIF... nites/gd mornin anyways... tatas

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Welcome to the drunk mootoo tiger's blog. This is the blog of a nonsensical 22 year-old. All posts are true accounts of misadventures in my life.



I'm a shopaholic, a chocoholic, an alcoholic, a clubbaholic, an eataholic, a music junkie, a traveler. I love crying in the movies, love cookies and popcorn, love lazing at home and love making people laugh. I'm addicted to Johnson's Baby lotion, to my mom's cooking and to sinful desserts. I cannot multi-task, I cannot drive, and I'm afraid of heights but I enjoy rollercoasters. I like to be around people with whom I don't have to care if they think I'm crazy drinking bak kut teh from a straw. I've never taken the reverse bungee, never been to the US, and never dyed my hair pink. And I want to go on an misadventure once in my life.


9-11 May :: Tiesto Elements of Life World Tour @ Port Dickson!!
20-28th June :: Taiwan with Vin&XP&Nick!
May - Scuba Diving with MichnFriends in M'sia!
*hurrayy we're reeally going! :)*

her heart's desire

Awesome speakers for the room
Sony Ericsson s500i
The Europe Trip Once More
An Australian Adventure

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