Needing to Vent (Warning - this blog may contain slightly nutty commentary- and excessive blathering. Viewer discretion advised.

This weekend has proven to be a bit of an awakening for me. Nothing huge happened, no lightening bolts, dreams or visions (I wish). I spent some delightful time with my daughters and their babies on Friday; spent time with Mike and the boys Saturday and yesterday; and church and quiet activities yesterday as well. But, amid the buzz of activities and lull of relaxation my thoughts have hit hard on my difficulty, feeling I am moving in the right direction. I have prayed, but found little relief lately. I have struggled for some time with feeling that my life is going in a direction both positive and "in tune" with what the Lord would have me do. Maybe I am in "crisis". Whatever it is...it is un-nerving! I am unsettled, unsatisfied and confused by the direction I should go and if, what I am doing is what I should be doing.

Life is so busy with work, school and family - and what little time left for socializing, I rarely just "listen". The Ensign this month talks about prayer and meditation and "listening". It says something to the affect, that "the spirit doesn't yell, but speaks softly. If we are distracted we may not hear the promptings we receive". Well... I am the poster child for not hearing, because the confusion in my mind, as to my own future, is profound!

Is it that I just turned 49... teetering so close to the edge of the big 5-0!!! I don't know. Should I be looking at hours, even semesters of schooling, to do work that at times I am not thrilled with? I don't know that either. I know work becomes mondane, no matter the job. Especially when we've been at it for years. I've been at my job for several years now, so "mondane" has crept in from time to time. But, this time it has lingered and is rusting the very vessel it inhabits. This time it's scary! What if I am doing all the wrong things, heading in wrong directions?

As most of you know...(assumming that my fan-club on the blog is as small as I think it is, and only my daughters read it) I struggle with anxiety disorder, and have popped a magic pill every day for 20 years to provide missing Seratonine to my starving brain, warding off the evil affects of horrendous and even, ridiculous fears. The medication does wonders for making me "normal". I have felt good for some time, without crazy fears, and function pretty well. I have been blessed, through inheritance, the lives of a couple of my children with this dreaded problem (to which I am truly sorry) who also take medication to control it. I am grateful for the medication because I would probably we holed up under my bed, afraid of my own shadow, if not for the medication I rely on.

I refuse to apologize or be embarrassed for a physical malady, out of my control, but truly get tired of throwing back medications for various health problems. Which, sometimes I feel is the very problem. Too many chemicals!! But, alas, how does one stop taking medications that doctors prescribe and instruct use of (with harsh and threatening warnings, that to not take, will result in sure untimely death). Warning labels listed with side-effects of: "drowsiness, difficulty swallowing, muscle pain, possible kidney damage, headaches...black, back hair, crusty toe nails, dragging of the left foot when walking, grunting, gasping, screeching, and massive chocolate cravings (is that abnormal??). (Okay... some of the last ones I made up.) Is it any wonder that I don't pick up on the "still small voice"??

My life is not different from others, I acknowledge that. I am not picked on, forelorn, neglected or abused. Just confused and at a cross-road. Needing some traffic signals to avoid a crash. We ALL have our difficulties and challenges. Some endure incredible ones that I am so grateful not to have. This time however, I seek advice, wisdom, thoughts and feelings as to my dilema. Share with me your insight! What should I do? Where do I go? To discover my true path. Is there a true path? One that we find and can stay on that leads us where we should go, without questioning and qualms all along the way. Or...does the true growth come from the questions and qualms, then supplecation. Then the teaching.

Are you out there? Are there more looking at my blog than my daughters? If so... please comment to me! I welcome your thoughts and experience. I truly am in a place that is insecure and alarming to me. Should I run away from it all?? Sometimes I want to. How have you found your way? I know I should pray, ponder and seek spiritual guidance. I have...and do (just this morning, in fact). I will patiently wait until the Lord's time helps me through this trial. But in the meantime, I could use your insight, and welcome it!

Where to begin. It has been five years since I posted on this blog!! Where has the time gone! I didn't purposely stop blogging, but, one day turned into two and then my blog escaped my mind entirely. Until yesterday...when I saw a friends blog and remembered mine, and decided to find and ressurect it. Here we are! Now, how to fill the five year gap?!? I think I will use picture collections, since "a picture says a thousand words", maybe I can catch up fast. Some pictures won't be in order but I will just speak to the contents of the pictures and make an attempt to guess a date. I will post again as soon as I can get my photo selections made. More soon!!

Italy, here we come!

I am so excited! On May 22, Mike and I will leave for Italy! We will be staying in Milan with some friends for most of the time, but will rent an apartment for a couple of days in Rome, towards the end of our trip. Our friends will show us around Northern Italy, then travel with us to Rome. They have seen quite a lot of the Northern cities, having spent the past year and a half on an LDS mission there.

How fun it will be to see the ancient sites of these amazing places, and even better, with the companionship of dear friends to share it with.

It will be the first visit to Europe for both, Mike, and I. I am thrilled!!! I must say, traveling in coach on the 9 hour (approx.) flight there doesn't excite me, but the cost of traveling first class was ridiculously expensive! We will survive the flight and love the trip, I am sure.

Forever ago since I posted

It has been months since I posted so I'll attempt to catch up.

School is going really well, I guess I am improving my "student" skills and experiencing the perks of better organization, time use, etc my courses are moving along, with only 4 weeks remaining and I am doing fairly well in all of them. Next semester I'll have 9 or 10 credit hours of classes, so should test my abilities to multi-task work and school and personal stuff even more. I am looking forward to it though since it will cover additional multimedia information, more Photoshop (which I love) and a Photography course ( I am thrilled about this one). I got a new, nice camera recently and can't wait to learn how to really use it. I am a novice photographer who loves to shoot, but can greatly benefit from knowing more.

Mike and I are planning a trip to Italy in May, I am so excited!! We will be visiting friends serving a mission there, as well as touring the country with them. They will be released by that time. I've wanted to go there for as long as I can remember, especially to Florence, it being the art capital of the world. I can't wait to venture through the museums and see many of the pieces that I've only read about in the past.

We will travel from Northern Italy down as far as Rome, but not further south. Apparently, the mob is quite embedded in the south and tourist targets are common. My friend recommended we save Southern Italy until we are a bit more savvy to Italy and Italians. As it happens, I am sure we will have more than enough to see in the multiple cities we will be visiting.

My kids are doing well, busy as always, but learning and growing and moving right along. Grandsons are fabulous! We have spent as much time together over the months, as possible, which is delightful! They wear me out, but are also such a joy.

That will have to do for now. Work to do, gotta run.

Nearly Terminated! WHEW!!!

Apparently I have been so negligent of my blog that it was put on the "inactive status" and most of the content blocked out. That'll teach me! So, I'll pick up from here and hope to do better at maintaining it.

After a long semester of school, and equally challenging work schedule I am approaching the end of the break between semesters and headed back into five months of stress and study. Last semester left me tired, studied out and only slightly smarter than before. But, it all comes eventually, right?? I've registered for two more classes (ENG 1010 and COMM 1800 - Multimedia Essentials). I expect this semester will be less stressful, as the Multimedia class is much more "up my alley" and less "left brained" as the programming course of last semester. I am not sure I want to dive into the ENG 1010 (writing course). It will be so good for me, but I don't love writing, and re-writing and re-writing. I got a "B" in the programming class which I feel pretty good about considering how challenging it was for me.

January has proven traumatic for me to this point. My baby boy-Sean (now 21) moved away from home last Sunday. While I hoped and tried to be both brave and stoic about his leaving I failed miserably. I was a mess Saturday and all day Sunday, before and after he left. This is not new, I have been a mess at each child's departing, but this time a little more so. Sean being the last of my four to leave has forced me to deal with growing older and being an "aged empty nester" which has thrown me for a loop...and the nest is not quite empty yet!! Ryne is still at home. (But, I grieved his leaving when he left on his mission and know he'll do fine when he leaves for good). At any rate, the days since Sean has been gone have gotten less heart wrenching, but alas I still miss him terribly and hope all is going well for him in his new circumstances down south.

Some friends of mine that are older than I tell me that having the chicks leave the nest is a wonderful time of life when responsibility is much less, and opportunity to enjoy whatever I want, is increased. I hope they are right. Right now the house is just a little more quiet than it was before (which was already too quiet, after years of busy children and activity) and my tender feelings to raw to fully understand or appreciate their comments. I think I will survive.

School starts again next Monday and I am trying to fit preparations for that into my work and family responsibilities. I think I'll be fine, but look toward another busy semester with a little trepidation. I think I'd rather be lounging on a beach somewhere awesome being paid for just being me. Ha! Like that's gonna happen. So, I'll press on and hope my expanding brain will garner me opportunity and related financial benefits.

Way too busy for my liking

It's been months since I've posted and I am feeling bad that my blog is falling behind. Suffice it to say that I have one nostril above water, with projects I am working on at work and in school. I am loving what I am learning and feel it will be a great benefit to me, but feel badly that the activities I love have to take a back seat, so scrap booking, and other art projects are stalled for now. That's life, though, right? The continual balancing act of trying to do our best at everything, only to find that we have limits. Then...when we find ourselves over, or underwhelmed with our progress, we re-evaluate what we are doing and make changes to improve.

I am adamant about not sacrificing time with family and close friends, though, you keep me sane and happy, precious moments indeeed. I love you all and appreciate the perspective you give me, the richness of our relationships in my life, and the help you offer me over life's bumps. :-)

Flaming Gorge with Ingrid and Ray

Mike and I had a greeat time this past weekend at Flaming Gorge with Ingrid and Ray, our neighbors. We love them, they are such great people and we have alot of fun together. Mike and I got there lateThursday evening, then went out on the Wave Runners (our new little splurge) on Friday. Mike had a blast! I wasn't feeling all that great that day, so my experience wasn't the best, but the boats ran very well and we were impressed at the good machines we got. After about an hour or so we loaded up and went back to the cabin. We relaxed and read and watched tv, until Ingrid and Ray showed up that evening.

Saturday was suppose to be our big excursion on the Wave Runners. But, after Friday not turning out so great for me, I decided to just relax at the cabin while Mike, Ingrid and Ray we out for several hours. They traveled from the boat launch down to Sheep Creek and to the rope swing several miles down the lake. Apparently, it was a perfect day. The temps were warm enough, both the air and water to make for a wonderful time. They commented about how great a trip it was several times.

My afternoon at the cabin was nice. I got to relax, watch a movie, had some pedicure time, a nice shower and read my book. Although it didn't include the thrills and chills of a wave runner on the lake, I enjoyed myself very much. I guess I just needed some quiet time. I was happy that everyone was satisfied with their experience on the trip. Sunday, we played a couple of games prior to leaving for home around 1:00.

Thanks Ingrid and Ray for a lovely vacation!