Sometimes I wished I lived in a bubble of oblivion.
How blessed it would be to feel nothing. How liberating it would be to be uncontactable and unable to contact anybody but yourself.
Maybe that's how people find peace.

I am desperate to find peace now.

And to be happy for more than one month. Just one month will do.

Everytime I hear Christmas carols I want to puke.
What a cheerless Christmas I forsee this to be.

Lord grant me peace, grant me peace please.
I want to concentrate on my work.

Ure right. There is no way we could b friends. Not when I noe for a fact that you stopped loving me and got 'us' out of ur head after just one month.
What would have been better?
Respecting me n what we had by hesitating. By waiting for this previous relationship to clear n settle before setting forth onto the next one.
Of coz it was easy for u to forget me. U had some one else to focus ur energies on, someone else to share ur burden n go out with n talk to all the time.
U didn't think abt me becoz u didn't have to. U didn't need to.

How was that to make me feel?
Like ur best friend of so many years found somebody new n jus doesn't wanna care about u anymore?

When he noes exactly, exactly how u feel.

I feel stupid really, that I'm the only one holding on to these memories now.

This is not me. I usually recover very fast. U must b happy u had such an effect on me.

Nahh who am I kidding who cares what I'm feeling.

U might think I'm a loser being childish whatever. Truth is, I nv felt so low in my life

I thought my heart was dormant but I guess I still do miss u.
Sometimes, images of us still rush through my head and that would make me so sad and I'd put them away so fast coz i Noe they dun ever surface in ur head anymore.

It's all boils down to one word: hurt.
That I meant so little that u were able to devote yourself to another person quickly. You care? My jackass. Everytime I tok to your frens? All they say is forget about him he never did love you that much.
Wow.
Painful to hear? Imagine how painful to receive that.
How could that possibly mean you cared??

I dunno how that hurt would be nursed. Well, I have been more zen, doing yoga like a mad fiend. But I guess the easiest way was really to distract myself with another person but well guess what, I was not as lucky as u. There is no one. Evern if there was I jus couldn't bring myself yo jump into anything like you did.

Seriously how the fuck do you do it??
How can you allow yourself to be so close to another person so fast?
To have a change of heart so fast?
Even if I was to meet someone awesome, I did in fact, the feeling is just different and a normal human being would hesitate.
But you didn't.
Even after I groveled at your feet.
So yeah.
That's how much I meant to you.

You're good.
I'm not good enough to do that.

If anything, I am so very utterly upset and disappointed at ur cowardice and the way u have handled this. We certainly could have been frens. But what u r doing now jus does not help.

Sure what u r doing now will make us frens maybe only years from now but that's telling too, isn't it? That I obviously don't mean much even as a fren!

Come on our lives are much too intertwined for u to do this u coward.

Oh yay!! Finally!! Acceptance is finally here!

Acceptance of the fact that this person is really not for me and come on let's face it, he'd never be able to give u what u want because he just did not love u enough!

So yes. I recognize that I no longer want to be with him. N maybe, eventually I will be happy for the both of u (it'll be easier when I find my own happiness of coz) but ea eventually I think I will.

However tho, I still am finding it hard not to be upset over ur silent treatment of me. Of ur cowardice in facing me and admitting "that hey yes, I never did love u that much."
I have come to accept that yes, u were capable of more but not to me for sure. U just could not bring urself to care that much about me.
This breakup then, is really a great thing!imagine if u did make urself settle for me, well, the love would never have been enuff from u to me.

So yes, I made the right call n I can understand ur haste n passion now coz maybe u have finally met someone u could love with all ur heart.
N it hurts me so bad for the few reasons below
1) my ego is shattered because ur being unable to love me just made it seem that I am hard to love.
2) it hurts pretty damn bad when something u have suspected for years us proved right with the very act of u getting over me n devoting urself to someone new in one month.
3) that our 4 years tgt meant jackass to u.
4) u are choosing to ignore the fact that I ever existed and refusing to face up to me with the above realizations.

There is no other word than 'heartless' to describe u right now. That I bared my soul and begged u back n u did not even have the courtesy to reply my email and/or care whether I was dead or alive.

U can be happy with ur life now, u can go ahead and love her but do u really have to do this to me?!

We were after all, companions, very close ones at that, for 4 years.

We are just humans, and we can't do anything about all this suffering. Just time, and new faces. Until we smile again, until we can finally wake up and realize we moved on!
-lelove.blogspot.com

why.is.it.taking.so.long.to.get.over.you.when.u.have.already.completely.forgotten.about.me.

I do still miss talking to u.

It's true. You really do lose a friend everytime u start a relationship. Because if it works out, that person will b ur lover, partner. But if it doesn't, well, you jus lose a fren.

Things could never be the same again. Even after a million years.

Why is my heart taking so long to heal.

So You Can Cry
Ne-Yo

So it's over
He's with someone else, and you know her
And you just can't get any lower
You sit in the dark alone
You won't answer your phone

Well, I'm sorry
I won't attend your pity party
I'd rather go have calamari
And maybe a drink
And yes, I think you should come with me

Life isn't long
There will be pain but life goes on
With every day, a brand new song
But if you'd rather stay at home
Let me do you a favor

I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today
So you can cry
If that's what you want alright
And I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today
So you can cry
If that's what you want alright
Ohhhh if that's what you want alright

I'm a lover
And the pain of the heart from another
Can be difficult to recover
Yes, this I know
But difficult isn't impossible

And you shiver
He was your warmth
You cry, lips quiver
Well, honey, go on and cry me a river
If you wanna be down
Well then, fine let me help you out
How about

And your tears won't bring him back
I know you wish that it did
But it just don't work like that
I know that healing takes time
Even your heart has a pace
But how much time are you gonna to take?
Too much would be a mistake

NO MORE TEARS THHOUGH.

im sorry i simply cannot wish you happiness right now.

Indescribable pain. I can't even cry anymore.
This is unbelievable.

Ridiculously unbelievable.

the worst thing is you know exactly how i am feeling right now.

you have been through this before.

For 4 years I always knew exactly what you were doing in your life..what time u ended work, started, took a break etc...
How do I break the habit now?

Let Go ft. Yoshika

Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta leave my past behind and let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta be strong
You better know where you're going
and know where you're from
Better believe it baby, let's go...

このまま忘れられなくて
閉じ込めたはいられなくて
踏み込んじゃいけないと分かってても
この気持ちどうしても gotta let you know
熱く、激しく動く時間の中で
ほしいよ、君の heart, boy 一瞬でも

叶わない恋に溺れても
このまま夢から覚めたくない can't let go
わがままでもいい
揺るがない愛がここにほしいよ

come one now baby, come on...

yeah, yeah, yeah...
全ての始まりは "Hey how you doin'?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
二人目と目が合い、幕開けたストーリ like
yeah, yeah, yeah...
そして、出会いと別れがセットかのようにyeah, yeah, yeah...
時は止まり、そばにいなくても
I'm alright なんて強がり
でも隣にいないと心痛み
Just wonderin' if you feel the same 同じ
気持ちなのか確かめたくてマジ
空回りしてばかり ain't nobody でも
怖がらずにたずな緩めてこう
自由つかむため let go... I'm tellin' you
エゴは心のテロショー

Unh, shhh, just listen

甘く、　静かに時は流れてくのに
体が It's breaking apart boy
どうして

壊れそうなくらい
不安になるだけ
Oh why 独り占めしたくなるの
何も言わずに
ただ君の愛がここにほしいよ

Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta leave my past behind and let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta be strong
You better know where you're going
and know where you're from
Better believe it baby, let's go...

(RAP)
Love train... に駆け込み乗車したけど
待ってはくれない理想から straight no chase
もう speed で現実まで run, run, run
止まることない時計の針
一度だけ使えるマジック、運命の鍵
Love で逆転、あざ笑う logic
急がないと Mr. Heartbreak might stay
巻き戻す色あせた記憶再生

Tell me how to be free
Oh baby, oh baby
Will my heart be free
So tell me 一瞬でも

叶わない恋に溺れても
このまま夢から覚めたくない can't let go
わがままでもいい
揺るがない愛がここにほしいよ

壊れそうなくらい
不安になるだけ
Oh why 独り占めしたくなるの
何も言わずに
ただ君の愛がここにほしいよ

translation:

Translated by: Malraux

How things stand, I couldn't just forget you
I can't just shut you away
While I know that we couldn't let it get any deeper
No matter what, I've got to let you know how I feel
Especially when I'm giving it all I've got
I want your heart boy, even if it's just for one moment

** I'm still drowning in this love that cannot be
I don't want to wake from this dream CAN'T LET GO
It's selfish, but I don't care
I want your unwavering love right here

come one now baby, come on...

(RAP)
yeah, yeah, yeah...
It all started off with "Hey how you doin'?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
A love story wound open as we met eye to eye
yeah, yeah, yeah...
And now, I'm left wondering "do love and loss come as a set?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
Time stands still, even though I left you

(RAP)
I make myself believe that I'm alright
Though it hurts my heart for you not to be by my side
Just wanderin' if you feel the same (same)
I wanna see if these feelings are for real

(RAP)
Idling away your life doesn't make you nobody
So don't be afraid, loosen up your reins
If you wanna be free, let go... I'm tellin' you
EGO is terrorism of the heart

so, just listen

Though sweet and silent time passes by
My body - It's breaking apart, boy why does it have to be like this?

*** I'm envoloped by dark anxiety. (I feel like I'm going to break.)
Oh why do I try to monopolise love?
All without saying a thing
All I want is for your love to be right here

(RAP)
I lept aboard just as the Love Train's doors began to shut
A man who doesn't like to wait, straight no chase
Speeding towards the reality we now face. run, run run,
The hands on my watch don't stop
The magic that only works once, the key to destiny
How suddenly things changed, it ridicules logic
Don't hurry and Mr. Heartbreak might stay
Rewind, fade, the memory returns

Tell me how to be free
Oh baby, oh baby
Will my heart be free
So tell me even for just a moment

The absolute finality of this all is just so crushing right now.
I have absolutely no idea how to get over this. The comfort, happiness n familiarity of out last 4 yrs tgt jus keeps replaying in my head and I dunno
How to stop that.
It makes me lose so much sleep even though I am jus so tired n I jus wanted to sleep.
Why is this happening why r u doing this to me,Lord.
Is this your punishment to me for being indecisive n blind?
It's so,so painful to know that our 4yrs don't mean anything to u now

Right now I feel that I just can ne'er get over it..
Maybe I need to get rid of everything that u have ever given me but I don't want to
But it hurts to still hold them so dear to my heart when they already mean nothing to u.

Why baby, how come u can lock us away so easily?
How come u can stop loving after just 2 mths?
It's so much easier if I cld hate u but I jus feel that I love u like hell now.
And it just hurts so damn bad

I'm so sorry for what I have done n I'm so sorry I'm too late.,

Now will somebody please help me get back on my feet coz I sure as hell can't do it on my own now...

Hi world

It's me again... I'm back from the dead...
For all my years having this blog, I have come to realize one thing: I most definitely blog the most when I am upset. 

Not to say if I don't blog my life is necessarily sunny n bright but well, I really do kinda blog only when I need to get things off my chest, which makes this not a very nice blog to visit.
It's essentially an outlet for me to lay out my emotions for myself to see
N of coz for some (if any) of my close frens still read this space, for them to hear my sad story n perhaps lend a comforting shoulder.

So here goes, 
This post is abt my recently ended 4 yr relationship.
It happened about 2 mths back, after I came back from my supposed self-discovery trip frm japan.
When I was there it was bliss. I loved blending into the crowd, pretending I was one of them. It was empowering n I felt like I cld be alone n basically that my current relationship did not offer any additional benefits to my life.

I guess it was because over the year we started working, our relationship has More or less been reduced to that of routine, of gg out on weekends n basic phone calls on weekdays. Even the things we talked abt, became centered ard work n I personally felt I had to act more like a punching bag where he poured forth his work frustrations n I felt as tho that was all he cared abt, since usually our conversations would start w him complaining abt his day n then after a while came back to me but by then I'd alr have been in no mood to tok abt work.
In all honestly I dun like to tok abt work frustrations. Not that I dun like it per say but I am actually qt lazy to have to share stories all over again.. ESP if they were not pleasant. So I guess that's where we differed n After a while I can't remember when or how it started but I jus started to be bitter n annoyed abt it all. Thinking u dun care abt me n dun ask me abt my work first. N every other little details started to matter more like the frequency of him coming to pick me up after work being too little, activities over the weekend being too routine n mundane I would think he's not putting in the effort.
That plus a history of not ever doing much in hall made me rethink our relationship.
I felt I needed more excitement in my life n to have that, more exciting weekends at more exotic locations and activities. 
Unfortunately, he was nt one who knew places. N being my usual idiot traditionalist/ ironically conventional female self, I hesitated to put forth suggestions instead coz I AM THE GIRL n Tts THE GUYs JOB.
So things jus started downspiralling. Our fren was right the problem with us was communication. I failed to express, maybe even recognize that I was dissatisfied and on his own, he didn't notice either. I think one of the fatal flaws in me, that caused the death of this relationship were the management of my expectations. Often too much I expected him to know what I want. To read my mind even, instead of jus laying it out on the table.

N why r things so clear now?
Becoz since officially breaking up, My mind has been playing tricks on me by replaying all the happier times together. These happier times were mostly times in hall, times where we would jus sit around after a long day at work n watch tv, maybe play a bit of thrashy games. Do those activities suggest we purely jus enjoyed each others' company? Or was it the shows that were entertaining I guess I would nv Noe but as much as I had yearned for romance n excitement, these seemingly mundane moments were those that I ended up missing the most.

It says a few things about this relationship I think
1) we did not go out enough 
Since most of the happier times were in one place -hall instead of some romantic spot. A point I could pick on for sure n I think I did, at one point or another in the relationship. Honestly at that point of time, there was no unwillingly n minimal unhappiness abt not going anywhere. 
But I guess maybe work changed all that, plus we no longer had that private space of our own n I was nv really comfortable at ur place.
2) if these selective recollection of memories are of testimony to anything, it would tell a lot about how comfortable we were with each other. N how much we could enjoy each others company. 
Which was why we even got together in the first place.

What is the point of all these??
Well, it's been 2 mths n while I have been trying to occupy my time going out with fren after fren, I cannot shake off the old habit of thinking about u. Especially when i failed to occupy myself with something or another, I'd think about u. About what u were doing and stuff.

Well I guess that's pretty normal for anybody who's been together for so many years.

Even when we agreed to part ways, I didn't think things would be any different, that we could still hang out like usual jus that we were not a couple anymore.
Guess that could have been toxic but I sought comfort in those reassuring images that arrangement could have brought. 

But now that things doesn't not seem to be taking that path anymore and if anything u seem to be drifting away from me, my heart feels like it's getting broken all over again. Does this mean I still love u? I won't say I don't love any more but I think more than anything, the thought of losing that easy companionship, tot that all those happy times will soon diminish into history tears me apart. 
The thought of u moving on scares n upsets me. I can't imagine never being able to jus pick up the phone n u'll be there with a 'hi baby' or even holding me n stroking my hair when I cry. I guess when we said goodbye at the foot of my flat that day there was still a hope that we could do what we used to do without all the expectations and pressure to perform but as the days go by and u stop contacting me as u used to, that hope diminishes and fades away. 
Knowing all over again that I am no longer your baby seems to be killing me even tho as logic goes, I was the one who wanted this, n so I should not be upset by this piece of news. 

Probably years from now I would look back at this post n smile at history or I could also n cursing n swearing at my own decisions.
Knowing either course of direction doesn't not help lessen the pain now anyways.
All I want now is jus for u to hold me n tell me everything is going to be okay.
I Noe logically, that perhaps even if we were to get back together, it is possible that things may end up the same way again, especially since I can't seem to be satisfied with what you have to offer. 
A part of me jus want to be selfish and reckless and say u owe me that much not to move on that fast. 
But that of coz is not fair either.
I don't know if I could be content jus to hear u reassure me now that hey, I still do love you n I am not over you yet as well. But I guess that beats thinking that we're all the end of a chapter now.

hate it when pple dislike me and i cannot fathom why.

workload is close to making me puke and still get emo like shit.

gah.

sigh.

i have no 友達。

怒ってんの？

分かんない。全然分かんない。

でも辛いな。

もし本当に怒ってんだったら言うってて。

このままじゃ辛いんだ。

今回はまたどうしたの。

私、何や。

本当に友達がないのかよ？

辛いんだ。

あなた厳しいな。何とか言いえよ～

皆もう大人だからさ。

。。。。。

何で。

まぁね。

自分のせいだからさ。もう遅いんだ。

もう親しい友達とか、仲間何かないな。

どうしょう。

私の悪いんだ。

what im feeling,

cant be good.