life is getting really, really tough.

i do feel like just digging a hole in the ground and never resurfacing.

i wonder if its just my head playing games with me, but my instincts are usually right.

no one i can really confide in anymore either.
do feel quite alone.

wish i could genuinely be self sufficient.

My 2010: a monthly recollection

January: Was in unhappy mode and failed to enjoy an otherwise rather enjoyable new year on hindsight. 
Work wise, busy but motivated..

February: nothing much of a Valentine's day can't remember shit actually haha

March: Company trip was definitely a highlight :) still deeply in love with Japan

April: favorite president transferred back to Japan. Work wise extremely busy and struggling to cope.

May: campaign officially failed and birthday flew by in a flash of work but remember a flash of happiness by way of an after work dinner at a relatively romantic location.

June: major wanderlust takes over and starts to question my life and what I want. Work suffered n motivation dropped after failure of campaign.

July: as above. Compounded by deep dissatisfaction n misguided perceptions of what I wanted in life.. Really was just unhappy in relationship that seemed to be going nowhere. As such, did not put in effort in ex's bday and anniversary and kept waiting for things to happen. Still dunno if it was my fault coz you know what people say, when a guy wants to see you, he'll make it happen. And when he loves you , he'll be nice to you. Work wise, completely wasted myself n barely did anything conclusive.

August: decided to do something about it and jetsetted off to Japan in order to clear my mind. Felt a sense of liberation and self empowerment there after and plucked up the courage to end a relationship that I have been unhappy in for a while. Barely worked that month after it was announced that 2nd campaign cannot be pulled off due to budget constrains n secretly relieved as thought can slack off.

September: for a while, that decision felt right and was enjoying the freedom of dreaming beautiful things in the future while staying friends, hoping that we could enjoy each other's company without the pressure of commitment and responsibility. Starts going got yoga and picked up Muay Thai tho did not continue with the latter. Previous hope to continue close friendship with ex starts to unravel as the latter starts to reply n msg less..
Work took a back seat and I took my time executing mundane tasks.

October: Best friend got married lawfully and truly enjoyed the happy occasion and was truly happy for the lucky couple to have found each other :) a week later, however, found out that the reason ex has not been msging was because of a girl. A mutual acquaintance (close friend on his part) no less. Spent the rest of the month in confusion,denial, heart break, pain etc in no particular order. Felt strongly that I played a large part being unhappy in the relationship and thus ruined it and wanted a chance to make things right but ex firmly refused. Work suffered quite a bit as I struggled to concentrate.
Starts to go through a phase of sever self doubt and started to look for reassurances in all the wrong places and with the wrong people..

November: spent most of the month trying to take my mind off things and thus did yoga, partied and met up with friends, useless acquaintances and close friends alike in excess. It worked to some extent and towards end of the month, started on the healing path and partied slightly lesser and had more genuine fun in general. . Did not manage to meet up with mutual friends with the ex so was easier to keep him off my mind tho the occasional fb statuses from him would get to me. Spent the beginning of the month obsessively tracking his presense on what's app n fb updates trying to get hints of his whereabouts. 

December- After a while, gave up as could not find out anything about his new life with the new girl so decided to give myself a break and blocked him off fb when one day even without stalking his profile, I got affected from news popping up from his news feed. :( also removed his contacts from phone to stop myself from checking his what's app presence. These 2 things worked a fair bit getting him off my mind while I indulged in the luxury of hot yoga and exploring new places and reconnecting with old friends. Self doubt and confidence started to get restored and though still shaky, definitely better. Ex's email threw me off balance for about a week or so but was angry at being forgotten and forsaken so easily so got over that easier than before. However, festive period got to the romantic side of me and started to think of him more towards the end, missing him and our easy ways with each other that was lost forever. Felt genuinely sad for his mom in the hospital and went to visit. Perhaps was secretly wishing for him to reestablish contact after but upon receiving none was not too affected as was genuinely there for his parents n bro and not for him.

That was my 2010 in summary. 1st half was spent in a bout of confusion about life and dissatisfaction and the 2nd half in pain. While it was bleak, I felt that I have definitely grown and see what is it in me that I have to improve. Of coz I have not truly and totally gotten over the ex but I am moving on and eagerly anticipate the day I meet my special someone too. 

Work wise it seems that 2011 is to be a year of a struggle to improve myself with constant motivation having screwed myself over with lack lustre work in Q3 n Q4. I hope to survive.

Spiritually wise, this bout of unprecedented pain seems to have pushed a need to find God in me, whether that need stems from just an emotional cry for comfort or genuine spiritual gratification it remains to be seen and in my prayers, I do hope for it to be the latter. 

Let 2011 be a fresh start for myself and all my loved ones. Amen.

Sometimes I wished I lived in a bubble of oblivion.
How blessed it would be to feel nothing. How liberating it would be to be uncontactable and unable to contact anybody but yourself.
Maybe that's how people find peace.

I am desperate to find peace now.

And to be happy for more than one month. Just one month will do.

Everytime I hear Christmas carols I want to puke.
What a cheerless Christmas I forsee this to be.

Lord grant me peace, grant me peace please.
I want to concentrate on my work.

Ure right. There is no way we could b friends. Not when I noe for a fact that you stopped loving me and got 'us' out of ur head after just one month.
What would have been better?
Respecting me n what we had by hesitating. By waiting for this previous relationship to clear n settle before setting forth onto the next one.
Of coz it was easy for u to forget me. U had some one else to focus ur energies on, someone else to share ur burden n go out with n talk to all the time.
U didn't think abt me becoz u didn't have to. U didn't need to.

How was that to make me feel?
Like ur best friend of so many years found somebody new n jus doesn't wanna care about u anymore?

When he noes exactly, exactly how u feel.

I feel stupid really, that I'm the only one holding on to these memories now.

This is not me. I usually recover very fast. U must b happy u had such an effect on me.

Nahh who am I kidding who cares what I'm feeling.

U might think I'm a loser being childish whatever. Truth is, I nv felt so low in my life

I thought my heart was dormant but I guess I still do miss u.
Sometimes, images of us still rush through my head and that would make me so sad and I'd put them away so fast coz i Noe they dun ever surface in ur head anymore.

It's all boils down to one word: hurt.
That I meant so little that u were able to devote yourself to another person quickly. You care? My jackass. Everytime I tok to your frens? All they say is forget about him he never did love you that much.
Wow.
Painful to hear? Imagine how painful to receive that.
How could that possibly mean you cared??

I dunno how that hurt would be nursed. Well, I have been more zen, doing yoga like a mad fiend. But I guess the easiest way was really to distract myself with another person but well guess what, I was not as lucky as u. There is no one. Evern if there was I jus couldn't bring myself yo jump into anything like you did.

Seriously how the fuck do you do it??
How can you allow yourself to be so close to another person so fast?
To have a change of heart so fast?
Even if I was to meet someone awesome, I did in fact, the feeling is just different and a normal human being would hesitate.
But you didn't.
Even after I groveled at your feet.
So yeah.
That's how much I meant to you.

You're good.
I'm not good enough to do that.

If anything, I am so very utterly upset and disappointed at ur cowardice and the way u have handled this. We certainly could have been frens. But what u r doing now jus does not help.

Sure what u r doing now will make us frens maybe only years from now but that's telling too, isn't it? That I obviously don't mean much even as a fren!

Come on our lives are much too intertwined for u to do this u coward.

Oh yay!! Finally!! Acceptance is finally here!

Acceptance of the fact that this person is really not for me and come on let's face it, he'd never be able to give u what u want because he just did not love u enough!

So yes. I recognize that I no longer want to be with him. N maybe, eventually I will be happy for the both of u (it'll be easier when I find my own happiness of coz) but ea eventually I think I will.

However tho, I still am finding it hard not to be upset over ur silent treatment of me. Of ur cowardice in facing me and admitting "that hey yes, I never did love u that much."
I have come to accept that yes, u were capable of more but not to me for sure. U just could not bring urself to care that much about me.
This breakup then, is really a great thing!imagine if u did make urself settle for me, well, the love would never have been enuff from u to me.

So yes, I made the right call n I can understand ur haste n passion now coz maybe u have finally met someone u could love with all ur heart.
N it hurts me so bad for the few reasons below
1) my ego is shattered because ur being unable to love me just made it seem that I am hard to love.
2) it hurts pretty damn bad when something u have suspected for years us proved right with the very act of u getting over me n devoting urself to someone new in one month.
3) that our 4 years tgt meant jackass to u.
4) u are choosing to ignore the fact that I ever existed and refusing to face up to me with the above realizations.

There is no other word than 'heartless' to describe u right now. That I bared my soul and begged u back n u did not even have the courtesy to reply my email and/or care whether I was dead or alive.

U can be happy with ur life now, u can go ahead and love her but do u really have to do this to me?!

We were after all, companions, very close ones at that, for 4 years.

We are just humans, and we can't do anything about all this suffering. Just time, and new faces. Until we smile again, until we can finally wake up and realize we moved on!
-lelove.blogspot.com

why.is.it.taking.so.long.to.get.over.you.when.u.have.already.completely.forgotten.about.me.

I do still miss talking to u.

It's true. You really do lose a friend everytime u start a relationship. Because if it works out, that person will b ur lover, partner. But if it doesn't, well, you jus lose a fren.

Things could never be the same again. Even after a million years.