I was feeling very lost last night as I sat around with my husband. Some how disconnected from the reality that is our lives. I just wasn't myself for some reason. I was at a major lack for feeling the spirit in our home. It was very frustrating not to feel as close to the Savior as I have in other times in my life. I always hate when I let those feeling fade and I feel that spirit slipping further away.
After Michael went into bed and my girls finally fell asleep I tried to lay down to sleep but I just couldn't, so I got online to check blogs. I first read my friend
Heather's blog and read about the struggle of her life at this moment and somehow it was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Than I read another
friend's blog, and I lost it. I was uncontrollably sobbing on my couch. What a sight I'm sure that was, me alone at 2 in the morning crying uncontrollably at the words of a high school friend. It was what I needed to hear. Every word of it was as if the spirit was speaking directly to me through the words of my beautiful sister's in the gospel. I am usually not so candid with my feelings but today I can not ignore the promptings of the spirit.
I feel closer to God today than I have in a while and I am so grateful for the promptings-or in my case, swift kick in the head-of the spirit. I have had a hard time lately figuring things out in my personal life and my responsibility on this earth. Today I feel stronger than ever that my soul purpose at this point in my life is to teach my girls the ways of the Lord and the ever so important role he will play in their lives. I can only hope to have half as much strength as other's I know and love. I pray daily that I will be able to raise strong daughter's of God as my mother did with me and my sister's. I hope I can show as much strength in the gospel and as much of an example as all of the women in my life have done for me.
I can't help but think of when all of my sister's and I lived in my mother's ward at the same time. We had all filled out a getting to know your sister's survey for the relief society. One of the questions asked who our personal hero's were in our life and every single one of us had listed my Grandma Gordon. We didn't know we had all put the same person until the book was printed, it made my father cry. I can only hope and pray that some day my girls and there daughters will want to be like me because I am like the the women in my life. I get so frustrated with my little ones on a daily basis but something in the back of my mind always reminds me how much closer to God they are than I am. How it was only a short time ago they were in his presence, and I need to try harder to treat them as he would. How much I wish I knew them as he knows them. I am so grateful that God has entrusted me with these little spirits to raise in the gospel. I also feel the enormous weight of it daily. I need to strive harder, if I don't teach them they will not know of his great love. It's the sole responsibility of me and my husband. I am so grateful to have the priesthood in my home.
I love to look at my cousins blog and see everyday the little reminder she has on there..."I'm living the life I never knew I always wanted". It's so true. I truly am. I remember last year when we lost a little one due to a 'miscarriage'. It was like a little knife stabbing further into my heart whenever a doctor would give me the medical reasons why our little one didn't survive. I know God has a plan for me and I know he had one for that little one, and that it was his will that that little one didn't come to live with us. How perfect it's little spirit must have been to only need that glimpse at this life to be able to return to God. I know this is a controversial subject for some people but I
KNOW with every ounce of my being that I will see that little one one day. Now it is my job to live as purely as I can so I can be in the presence of God with my children.
I hope that I will less and less need those kicks in the head from the spirit as I strive to live closer to God. I am so grateful to have such amazing family and friends who help to make that all easier for me. I am every grateful for the roles you all play in my life and the lives of my children, small or large you all help to mold their little spirits. I am sorry this is such an enormously long blog but I had to get things out today. I had to write them out before I forget these feelings and have this serve me as a reminder of the way I need to live my daily life.
I hope I can always remember the way I feel right now and the strength I feel. I know we have many more trials ahead but I hope that with the power of the priesthood and our faith in Christ we will be able to handle them all and come out stronger for it. Every time my husband and I have a trial I feel closer to him then ever. I get to see his true character and it is a huge reassurance that this man I married is incredible. I could not have gotten through so many things with out him. I am so grateful for strength and also for his ability to see his own faults and strive so hard to correct them. I am grateful that he loves me and my children unconditionally. We truly would not be as strong as we are with out each other. We found each other at very turbulent times in our lives and together we grew stronger from them. Anyone who knows our story knows that our daughter was sent here to save us, and that my Mr. was a huge part in making me who I am today. I am grateful everyday I have him. Even on the hard days. I have a profound love for my Savior and I hope I can pass that along to my children. I would normally not share so much that is so personal to me but if my friends hadn't done it I might still be lost today. Hopefully I can return the favor to someone else. Well, I think that is enough out of me for the day.
Okay she wasn't bored..she was out like a light!
Don't you feel like a Lion is crouching in the brush?
We went to BeAR LaKe this weekend to go boating with Michael's family. These are sadly the last few pictures from our camera before it died completely. I really hope it's still under warranty.
My VERy smiley 2 month old! She is always the most happy when she is in or near the water. I thought it was all in my head but this weekend proved it. She would be screaming her head off but as soon as she spotted the water she was happy as could be!
"Okay what are you doing lady? Get that stinkin' camera out of my face!"
Cute little Jayci.
These picture are from Michael's phone so they are not the best but they are the only one's I have from today:(
I also took Keija to the doctor and she's sad now. She had to have 3 shots today and is not a happy camper tonight. She was off the charts on her height and in the 80% on her weight. She's a big kid. 
