A few months ago, my Mom's Oncologist told her, if you continue to get lucky, you could have a year. On a Thursday, April 9th, after some body scans, while Julie was in town, my Mom went to get her results and the Oncologist she'd first met and wasn't sure she liked due to his cold nature (though had grown to like in the time between because he'd warmed up), walked in, gave her the results; told her it was more in her brain and has now gone into her live, told her to prepare for 8 weeks and walked out. My Mom didn't tell me until Saturday when I was alone at the children's museum with both kids while Gregg was headed out of town for the night on for a bachelor getaway for a best friend. Needless to say, I was utterly stunned. Shocked to my core, heartbroken in a whole new way.
See, on Gregg's Match Day, March 20th, he found out he had gotten into the Emergency Medicine residency at Hennepin County Medical Center in Minneapolis, a top ten emergency medicine program in the country. We had finally made it. After 8 years away, after all Gregg's hard work, after my parents had worked so hard for years hopping stand by flights to come see us so often, we were finally going to be in the same state, have dinners together, play at the river together, do waterparks together, just be. Finally know what it could be like to be family, living close to each other and yet not on top of each other. We knew we couldn't ask for forever, but based on her last appointment, I just wanted the summer. I just needed the summer. I was even approved to telework on an even more part time basis, just 15 hours a week, with 2 days off during the week just to have more time to spend and still transition whoever takes over my job. It was all incredible. Life was coming around. We were on cloud nine with the incredible pay off for Gregg and that it was working out that I would be coming home.
So, this bad news, this horrible sick joke being played on us, could not have come at a worse time. No, I get it, is there ever a good time to lose your Mom? Your best friend? Your rock? No, there is never a good time. But come on. This is seriously seriously wrong. The 8 week mark actually falls directly on Kaylen's birthday, June 4th, with Gregg's Graduation on June 5th and on June 6th, the kids and I fly to Minnesota for good. For indefinitely. So, the doctor gave my Mom until 3. days. before. we're. there. for. good. One sick joke.
So, we couldn't risk waiting out the time and the kids and I are here in Minnesota for 3 weeks. We arrived May 3rd following a wedding of a best friend and will be back in Portland for less than two weeks for another wedding and Gregg's Graduation before we move to Minnesota.
Truly, I don't know how this timing will all shake out. Yesterday my Mom was feeling good(ish) and today she talked and acted like this is the day we should start the transition. The hard part is, I don't know how to do any of this. One day there aren't enough people asking me about it, I feel like not enough people care and the next, her friends are breaking down in front of me and I want to stick my head in the sand. Either way, I know I will never be ready. I've seen lately on social media people losing a parent, a grandparent, and all the comments say, my prayers are will you, my condolences and I total ly understand that there isn't much to be said. But it feels like it all lies on the surface. And I struggle with knowing that my pain will run deep for so long and my biggest fear is wondering how long the core crushing heartbreak will take me down. I wonder when I will feel truly happy again. For myself, my kids, my husband, for my friends. I don't know who this will turn me into and I know it will make me a shell of the person I am.
It's been just two days and it's hard. It's really hard to be a new stay at home parent all day long with two kids on top of wanting to be helpful to my parents, my Dad with all of his lists, that are now only his to accomplish, and wanting to spend time with my Mom. It is hard. All day is hard, something I haven't experienced in a long time, physically, emotionally and mentally hard. Everyone says to just enjoy the time, but again, it's hard. Of course I want to spend my days and my moments with my Mom, but it's hard to see her weak to see her struggle to remember things or be the places she wants to be when it's hard for her to get around. Knowing that much of any of these memories are the lasts. Makes pretty much all the good moments bittersweet moments. I wish I could be the cup half full that some seem to think I am or want me to be, but most days, I feel cup half empty. And really, in my regular life, I fluctuate between both sides. And some times I just put on a really good show. But this all just sucks. The timing sucks, losing out on this summer sucks, knowing that so much of her in how she liked to spend her time is gone with her lack of energy, and already grieving all that is lost in the future. There is nobody in the world that can replace my Mom or hold a candle to the legacy she has left on my life. So many seem to think I'm strong or at least tell me I am, but I feel anything but trying to go through this phase of my life. But I'm doing the best I can and I will for as long as I can. And I'm sure going to hope that sees me through to the other side.
Today, Tomorrow, Forever
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Cancer sucks
Denial can be a beautiful and harmful thing all at the same time. I've gone through my phases with my Mom's diagnosis of lung cancer, but the first year of treatment, all in all, went well, everything considered. Small cell lung cancer is a difficult cancer to "beat", but she was as successful as she could be buying more time. Her oncologist remained positive that her treatments were working and though there have been hard times for her, overall, she maintained a level of energy it took to live her life.
When the news first came, it hit me hard. Hard, hard. I flew out to Minnesota immediately, leaving my husband and daughter alone for Thanksgiving to be with my Mom for a few days last year. Those couple months were rough as the dreams I had of making it closer to my parents as they were getting older would most likely come not soon enough. That my children would not be able to create all the memories I dreamed of them having with my parents, in their home, at their river house. To be doted on for years to come the way my Mom always seemed to find the energy to do. That we could be around to help, have dinners, take trips. That they would be able to enjoy a night here and there with the kids as Gregg and I enjoyed a date night out. These dreams would be just dreams. The memories we have made and would continue to make in the time we have left will be what we live on for the rest of our lives. AND IT BREAKS MY HEART. It is never enough, there will never be enough time with the people we love. The memories I have, that my family has, that my daughter has of my Mom and my parents will never be enough. I want MORE.
And though I have grieved the future and had my bouts with denial as my Mom's energy has been pretty good here and there with the visits we have had from them in Portland, this week it hits again HARD.
My Mom is like I've never seen her. She can hardly walk, talk, function, much less do all the things she typically does being her busy bee self. She has taken out things to clean the bathroom or makes offers to help with dinner and I KNOW this won't happen. It didn't happen yesterday and it won't happen today. She offers to help with Everett, to hold him, to watch him while I try to work and I know she can't. There have been sugar cookies made for a week with frosting she colored for Kaylen to put the final touches on it sitting on the counter for a week. Sure, I could do it with Kaylen amidst trying to take care of other things that have to happen for both families, but the point is. I CAN'T do it. It is what they do. They make cookies on their visits. My MOM makes these cookies with Kaylen at Christmas. I CAN'T DO IT. I can make my own with her in my house when my Mom isn't there, but I CAN'T do these cookies. I am waiting. Waiting for my Mom to feel better. But the truth is, we don't know when or if she will. They say this could be the effects of the chemo, but if that is so, is this the point where people have to consider their options? Their quality of life? The time they're buying? THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I START TO FALL APART.
I telework these hours in a day, I make dinner, I watch my family, both families do what we do to get through days, meals, work, baths, homework, school, bedtime evening routines, BUT I WANT TO SCREAM. I want to process this, I want to stop this, I want to go back, I want to stop thinking of how life has changed, how it will change, what this will do to us all. So, I'm starting to grieve on here. It is hard to say all that I want to say to anyone because it seems like with our newly expanded families, all that is going on in our lives, there is not enough time in a day. There is just never enough time.
I know people who have lost parents and I've always known that the loss of either of my parents will rock my world. That life will stop and change as I know it. And I never understand how it feels to have to move on, that life for many goes on because I feel like I know in my heart, that time will go on, but I will never be the same. And I fear it. I fear it for Gregg and for my children.
I know I may be putting the cart before the horse and we don't know what this week means in the short or long term right now, but I write out of fear, out of pain, out of sadness. And this is my forum and I need to get it out. I love my Mom the world over and the reality is I NEED my Mom. As an adult, it seems I need her more than ever. And to see that she isn't herself this week and I don't know when she will be... I feel lost without her.
When the news first came, it hit me hard. Hard, hard. I flew out to Minnesota immediately, leaving my husband and daughter alone for Thanksgiving to be with my Mom for a few days last year. Those couple months were rough as the dreams I had of making it closer to my parents as they were getting older would most likely come not soon enough. That my children would not be able to create all the memories I dreamed of them having with my parents, in their home, at their river house. To be doted on for years to come the way my Mom always seemed to find the energy to do. That we could be around to help, have dinners, take trips. That they would be able to enjoy a night here and there with the kids as Gregg and I enjoyed a date night out. These dreams would be just dreams. The memories we have made and would continue to make in the time we have left will be what we live on for the rest of our lives. AND IT BREAKS MY HEART. It is never enough, there will never be enough time with the people we love. The memories I have, that my family has, that my daughter has of my Mom and my parents will never be enough. I want MORE.
And though I have grieved the future and had my bouts with denial as my Mom's energy has been pretty good here and there with the visits we have had from them in Portland, this week it hits again HARD.
My Mom is like I've never seen her. She can hardly walk, talk, function, much less do all the things she typically does being her busy bee self. She has taken out things to clean the bathroom or makes offers to help with dinner and I KNOW this won't happen. It didn't happen yesterday and it won't happen today. She offers to help with Everett, to hold him, to watch him while I try to work and I know she can't. There have been sugar cookies made for a week with frosting she colored for Kaylen to put the final touches on it sitting on the counter for a week. Sure, I could do it with Kaylen amidst trying to take care of other things that have to happen for both families, but the point is. I CAN'T do it. It is what they do. They make cookies on their visits. My MOM makes these cookies with Kaylen at Christmas. I CAN'T DO IT. I can make my own with her in my house when my Mom isn't there, but I CAN'T do these cookies. I am waiting. Waiting for my Mom to feel better. But the truth is, we don't know when or if she will. They say this could be the effects of the chemo, but if that is so, is this the point where people have to consider their options? Their quality of life? The time they're buying? THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I START TO FALL APART.
I telework these hours in a day, I make dinner, I watch my family, both families do what we do to get through days, meals, work, baths, homework, school, bedtime evening routines, BUT I WANT TO SCREAM. I want to process this, I want to stop this, I want to go back, I want to stop thinking of how life has changed, how it will change, what this will do to us all. So, I'm starting to grieve on here. It is hard to say all that I want to say to anyone because it seems like with our newly expanded families, all that is going on in our lives, there is not enough time in a day. There is just never enough time.
I know people who have lost parents and I've always known that the loss of either of my parents will rock my world. That life will stop and change as I know it. And I never understand how it feels to have to move on, that life for many goes on because I feel like I know in my heart, that time will go on, but I will never be the same. And I fear it. I fear it for Gregg and for my children.
I know I may be putting the cart before the horse and we don't know what this week means in the short or long term right now, but I write out of fear, out of pain, out of sadness. And this is my forum and I need to get it out. I love my Mom the world over and the reality is I NEED my Mom. As an adult, it seems I need her more than ever. And to see that she isn't herself this week and I don't know when she will be... I feel lost without her.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
To Stop Time- The Blessing of Grandparents
As always, I wish I had more time, more time to write on this. For myself, for my kids. I wish I was the kind of Mom who had took more time to do this, for more reasons than I can count. For the longest time, it was because I wanted to go back and do it all in chronological order. So, for years, I didn't get there. So, I'm going to just write when I can and when am driven to put thoughts down.
A few weeks ago, my parents came to town to visit even though in a few short weeks, we would be coming to Minnesota for an extended two month stay with them in order to have some good time in with my Mom and my family while she is still feeling well.
We were in the kitchen, and Kaylen went running up to Mima, my Mom, and just threw her arms around her and said, "I love you, Mima!". It's the kind of I love yous that I live for. For no reason at all, driving in the car, sitting next to me on the couch while watching her show, just hanging out... for no reason, I love you. I try to say it to her as much as I can and as random as I can, so that she never questions how much I love her, but to hear it from her makes my world stop just for a minute. And in that minute, my heart is truly truly happy.
And it was in that same minute that she said it to my Mom, the way she did, that makes my heart truly happy and in the same moment, completely break. She knows the love of my Mom right now in all the ways she should. In the ways I want her to remember forever. It truly crushes me at my core to know that someday, she won't be able to go running up to her and just say it. When you have to look cancer square in the face, it truly sucks. You feel time weigh down on you like never before. Because we just don't know what kind of time we get, with my Mom, with anyone. But the fear of losing my parents has forever weighed on me and now that I have to face it, I hate it all the more for my children.
It is the reason we came. The reason we put our Oregon lives on pause to come to Minnesota, knowing it would be hard in many ways on all of us, but with the hope that we would make some day to day, etched in stone, forever in memory, pictures to reflect them, moments in time we can have forever. I want Kaylen to never forget. And when I look at our sweet son, knowing there is the chance he won't get the kind of time that Kaylen has had, that he might not remember, my heart aches in a way now I hate to understand. And those, including my Mom, that have said, she won't remember me, or he won't know what he's missing, I think that's the most unacceptable part of it all. That's not fair. It's utter garbage. I will know. I will know what both of them miss out on. The energy that she always gives, to the last ounce, before and even after she was diagnosed with lung cancer, the time she spent/ spends doting on them, reading, then playing, then doing puzzles, then singing, shopping, then gardening, baking, then adventuring, until she has no energy left, just to see these kids happy.... I WILL KNOW. I will know what they're missing out on and THAT is what completely breaks my heart.
My children have been blessed with amazing grandparents and I am so grateful. They have four incredible people who all love them with all their heart who will stop what they're doing to love them, to help them, to encourage them, and to help and support us. I am so grateful. Just prior to coming to Minnesota, my job made me come into work after maternity leave for the two plus weeks prior to the trip because I was local and wasn't allowed to telework. Cherie came, dropped everything, and came and took care of a three month old and a five year old which is no easy task. Completely saved me. My parents extended their stay earlier this year to take Kaylen to get her cavities filled because I couldn't because I was pregnant, Warren offered to let me go back to sleep early one morning while we passed through Star Valley on this road trip so he could bond with his brand new grandson and give me a little more sleep. My Dad has offered more times than I can count to fly out to help us and always assures us they will be there if we need them. The day when any one of these people are gone, the world will stop as I know it.
And the minute that Kaylen said I love you to my Mom exactly the way she did, exactly how she did, made me want to stop time right then and there. Even though this cancer is forcing me to face an aspect of my future I don't want to know, I will never be ready to lose her. Right now, I have a husband who works so hard and often has to spread himself so thin to make all facets of this crazy journey come full circle, I am so proud of him and thankful for him. I have two incredible, beautiful, wonderful children who literally make my heart explode with a love I could not have imagined. And we have four grandparents who love and support us and our children and dote on them in a way that is irreplaceable. Each loves them and shows them in their own way and each is so important. Kaylen is just now really getting to know on a more personal level all of her Aunts and Uncles and completely adores them. Distance makes it hard when we see just how much she loves them. And Everett is sure to follow suit.
We are incredibly blessed. Times are not always easy, but at the end of the day, we have now and we have today. And as I sit here and type this just weeks later in a struggle to combine multiple grown adults and families into my childhood home, that the good times are what I want to carry with me and I play the biggest role in my every day. I have the choice to not sweat the small stuff and make the most of the time we have. We came because this was what we wanted for our family, to know and have as much time with these people who love them because we started to feel God's clock. It's important for me to remember that we all have a clock. And in every aspect of our lives, we should make the most of the time we have. It just doesn't make sense not to. I will never EVER be ready.
A few weeks ago, my parents came to town to visit even though in a few short weeks, we would be coming to Minnesota for an extended two month stay with them in order to have some good time in with my Mom and my family while she is still feeling well.
We were in the kitchen, and Kaylen went running up to Mima, my Mom, and just threw her arms around her and said, "I love you, Mima!". It's the kind of I love yous that I live for. For no reason at all, driving in the car, sitting next to me on the couch while watching her show, just hanging out... for no reason, I love you. I try to say it to her as much as I can and as random as I can, so that she never questions how much I love her, but to hear it from her makes my world stop just for a minute. And in that minute, my heart is truly truly happy.
And it was in that same minute that she said it to my Mom, the way she did, that makes my heart truly happy and in the same moment, completely break. She knows the love of my Mom right now in all the ways she should. In the ways I want her to remember forever. It truly crushes me at my core to know that someday, she won't be able to go running up to her and just say it. When you have to look cancer square in the face, it truly sucks. You feel time weigh down on you like never before. Because we just don't know what kind of time we get, with my Mom, with anyone. But the fear of losing my parents has forever weighed on me and now that I have to face it, I hate it all the more for my children.
It is the reason we came. The reason we put our Oregon lives on pause to come to Minnesota, knowing it would be hard in many ways on all of us, but with the hope that we would make some day to day, etched in stone, forever in memory, pictures to reflect them, moments in time we can have forever. I want Kaylen to never forget. And when I look at our sweet son, knowing there is the chance he won't get the kind of time that Kaylen has had, that he might not remember, my heart aches in a way now I hate to understand. And those, including my Mom, that have said, she won't remember me, or he won't know what he's missing, I think that's the most unacceptable part of it all. That's not fair. It's utter garbage. I will know. I will know what both of them miss out on. The energy that she always gives, to the last ounce, before and even after she was diagnosed with lung cancer, the time she spent/ spends doting on them, reading, then playing, then doing puzzles, then singing, shopping, then gardening, baking, then adventuring, until she has no energy left, just to see these kids happy.... I WILL KNOW. I will know what they're missing out on and THAT is what completely breaks my heart.
My children have been blessed with amazing grandparents and I am so grateful. They have four incredible people who all love them with all their heart who will stop what they're doing to love them, to help them, to encourage them, and to help and support us. I am so grateful. Just prior to coming to Minnesota, my job made me come into work after maternity leave for the two plus weeks prior to the trip because I was local and wasn't allowed to telework. Cherie came, dropped everything, and came and took care of a three month old and a five year old which is no easy task. Completely saved me. My parents extended their stay earlier this year to take Kaylen to get her cavities filled because I couldn't because I was pregnant, Warren offered to let me go back to sleep early one morning while we passed through Star Valley on this road trip so he could bond with his brand new grandson and give me a little more sleep. My Dad has offered more times than I can count to fly out to help us and always assures us they will be there if we need them. The day when any one of these people are gone, the world will stop as I know it.
And the minute that Kaylen said I love you to my Mom exactly the way she did, exactly how she did, made me want to stop time right then and there. Even though this cancer is forcing me to face an aspect of my future I don't want to know, I will never be ready to lose her. Right now, I have a husband who works so hard and often has to spread himself so thin to make all facets of this crazy journey come full circle, I am so proud of him and thankful for him. I have two incredible, beautiful, wonderful children who literally make my heart explode with a love I could not have imagined. And we have four grandparents who love and support us and our children and dote on them in a way that is irreplaceable. Each loves them and shows them in their own way and each is so important. Kaylen is just now really getting to know on a more personal level all of her Aunts and Uncles and completely adores them. Distance makes it hard when we see just how much she loves them. And Everett is sure to follow suit.
We are incredibly blessed. Times are not always easy, but at the end of the day, we have now and we have today. And as I sit here and type this just weeks later in a struggle to combine multiple grown adults and families into my childhood home, that the good times are what I want to carry with me and I play the biggest role in my every day. I have the choice to not sweat the small stuff and make the most of the time we have. We came because this was what we wanted for our family, to know and have as much time with these people who love them because we started to feel God's clock. It's important for me to remember that we all have a clock. And in every aspect of our lives, we should make the most of the time we have. It just doesn't make sense not to. I will never EVER be ready.
Monday, August 25, 2014
We Became a Family of Four!- 8/14/2014- 6 weeks early
I've been trying to sit down and write an update, but so much happened the night our lives changed yet again, that's it's hard to get it all down! But here we go, because I don't want to forget as it was a complete whirlwind of a week.
Gregg came to Minnesota for the month of August to do an Emergency Medicine away rotation at Hennepin County Medical Center. So, with the doctor's okay to fly prior to 36 weeks, we planned for Kaylen and I to spend 10 days in Minnesota with him and with the family. Julie and Doug also booked a trip to be there for my Mom's family reunion on August 16th.
We had been having a great week, swimming in the pool, taking boat and jet ski rides on the river and Kaylen getting completely spoiled by loved ones. Julie and Doug flew in on the 13th, but planned to spend the 14th and through the weekend with us. I had made a visit to Regions Hospital on Wednesday the 13th at the advice of my Portland OB office to be sure I wasn't leaking amniotic fluid, but after a test was done, it was determined I was not. The Dr also checked my cervix and I was now 1 centimeter dilated. I thought nothing of that as I'd had friends be centimeters dilated through the end of their pregnancy. On Thursday morning, my friend, Jacki, stopped over at the house the morning of the 14th and not long after, Julie and Doug walked through the door. They took Kaylen shopping and we eventually headed over to the river house to spend the day.
Kaylen played at the river, took a boat ride, Kaylen and I swam in the river, and started to make a yummy dinner that the entire family would eat out on the deck overlooking the river on a beautiful night. While helping make the salad, I started to not feel well and had some "waves" of nausea hit me with some back pain. In the recent weeks, this wasn't super alarming as I'd had not always felt good, so pushed on. During dinner, my "waves" started to get a little more uncomfortable to the point that after dinner, I went inside to lay on the couch to start tracking them. They increasingly got more painful now to the point that I wanted to cry. I was determined that I was just waiting these out and they were some false labor contractions as some of my friends who had recently had babies had experienced. But Gregg and Julie decided it was time to go back to the hospital to be checked. Thank God they did. Doug and Julie drove me back to Regions and ensured Gregg they would call if it was labor or otherwise. However, I contracted regularly the entire way to the hospital and by the time I got to the hospital, I was nonstop contracting and in lots and lots of pain. I asked to use the restroom and discovered about that time, that it was real labor. I asked Julie to call Gregg and shortly thereafter, I heard her tell Gregg on the phone, Get to the hospital sweet pea, you're going to have a baby tonight. I looked at her and just told her no. :-) Ahh, what happens to your brain when you're caught completely off guard. I was still so sure that this was not happening. I was 34 weeks and 2 days. Kaylen showed no signs of early labor and I was sure this was not going to happen on this trip. We had brought nothing with us and I had a repeat c section scheduled in Portland for September 16th with a due date of September 23rd. I had told at least 15 people who were concerned with my flying, that the Dr had okay'd it, that he wasn't going to come early, and that worst case scenario, I would be home in MN with my family should anything happen. Ahhhhh yes, so of course it did.
Everything thereafter went very quickly. I realized that the "small gush" of what I thought was leaking that afternoon before we took a boat ride, was my water breaking. Now that I'd reached the hospital, I was told I was 4 centimeters dilated and I don't remember the effacement, but it was then that I realized, it was all happening that night. I told them I wanted a repeat c-section as I had previously been diagnosed with Kaylen's delivery that I had pelvic disproportion and that a vaginal delivery was not likely. However, I got the impression from the day before that Regions is very pro VBAC. They moved forward as though I would have the c-section, and I was being prepped for an epidural and we were just waiting for the fluids to go through and the anesthesiologist was on his way. The OB, Dr. Fall, approached me asking if I would want to consider a VBAC as the baby was going to be premature and likely smaller. I have a hard time knowing where I want to go to lunch when asked, and had a REALLY difficult time deciding something that major without Gregg. So, Julie called him for me, but I was in so much pain, I couldn't talk. Somewhere in my head, I made some peace with the idea in that I could at least try. I was told there was still time for the epidural as my body and mind were already exhausted and overwhelmed by the pain. I had not done much to prepare for dealing with contractions as I had never fully considered labor unmedicated. However, while we were still waiting for the fluids, I began to feel pressure and the doctors said I was now fully effaced and in full labor. My opportunity for an epidural was GONE. Sigh. So, full speed ahead, it was time to push. Gregg and my Mom had made it to the hospital in time, though I didn't know my Mom was in the waiting room with Doug, which Julie and Gregg were in the room with me. My Mom was told it was going to be a c-section and had no idea we were inside in active labor. However, I'm not sure after she struggled watching me recover from my c-section with Kaylen, that she could've handled seeing me in that much pain.
The doctors all told me I was doing great with pushing and at one point, Dr. Fall told me she thought it might be the next one. However, it wasn't the next one or the next one, or the one after that. I realized as I saw them wheel something in, that I realized I might have been holding just a little back over fear of those last pushes, that I had to get it together. I gave it all I had, and in those last two pushes, he was out. It took him a minute to make noise and I was petrified, until just a couple short seconds later, he was crying. My heart soared. I also learned later that his heart rate had begun to drop and what they had wheeled in was the vacuum. I was so thankful that it was not necessary that it be used. I went through a little more pain as they took care of our son and had to finish up taking care of me.... MAN, I was so over the pain! But not long after, they took me to the recovery floor. We were told our baby boy would need to be in the NICU or at Regions, the Specialty Care Nursery, for at least 24 hours. Little did we know at the time, that it was going to potentially be weeks. My family all got to go meet him as did I after I was allowed to leave the L&D floor. He was beautiful, perfect and amazing, just as Kaylen was the minute we all met her.
My mind was truly still blown that I had given birth to our son. We had nothing with us, flights would have to be changed, no arrangements home would have to be made, and most importantly, the new fight would be getting our sweet guy well enough to come home, when he was ready, whenever that might be.
Oh... and giving him a name. We were 95% sure his first name would be Everett, but thought we had a little more time to lock that in. Nope. But the real struggle was with his middle name. We had tossed around a number of family names, but really tried hard to figure out flow and sound. Kaylen's middle name is after my paternal Grandmother, Lorraine, and I've loved her name from minute one. Gregg let me change her first name just a couple months prior to her arrival, so I wanted Gregg to have the final say on Everett's middle name. In the end, Kaylen and Gregg's, the votes most important, we chose Everett James. He was born August 14th at 10:16 pm, weight 4 lbs 14 oz and 18.5 inches long.... and incredibly loved.
We were all in a bit of a frenzy, so between Julie's shopping spree and Gregg's and help from my cousins Ryan and Stacy, this little guy is going to make it back to Portland with STUFF. :-) It has been so nice to have so many really try to help and come through for us. It has been an overwhelming process and I spend much of my time with Everett in the NICU while trying to get home for a few hours some days to spend time with Kaylen. My parents are largely Kaylen's main caregivers and will be until Gregg and Kaylen go home on August 30th. Everett and I will go home when he's ready.
He is slowly making progress, taking a little more by bottle each feeding, trying to get some exposure to the breast and the rest by NG tube feeding. As of yesterday, at a week and 1 day, he had surpassed his birth weight by an ounce. Praying he will continue to grow and get stronger and one day soon the switch will flip and his feedings will vastly improve as will his desaturation drops in oxygen. But he is perfect, and sweet and calm. I asked if it was a preemie thing to not cry much and the nurses have told me no, not really. He is just a calm sweet baby and the only thing he really doesn't enjoy is the amount of air he gets in that tiny little belly.
We are all in love with him and Kaylen has been looking forward very much to his arrival. She is not so sure she wanted it to happen this soon, but she is doing well adjusting and giving him lots of kisses when she visits the hospital. But what I'd heard is definitely true, it was hard to believe that the overwhelming love you have for your first does not divide to love the next, but multiplies. It overwhelms my heart just how lucky and perfect our new family of four is, but it has been an incredible experience to be able to share it at home with my family surrounded by the immense love everyone has for these two kiddos. I am anxious to get my family home and all be together, but not until he's ready that's for sure. Just trying to live in the moment and in these moments, I'm feeling completely completely completely blessed.
Gregg came to Minnesota for the month of August to do an Emergency Medicine away rotation at Hennepin County Medical Center. So, with the doctor's okay to fly prior to 36 weeks, we planned for Kaylen and I to spend 10 days in Minnesota with him and with the family. Julie and Doug also booked a trip to be there for my Mom's family reunion on August 16th.
We had been having a great week, swimming in the pool, taking boat and jet ski rides on the river and Kaylen getting completely spoiled by loved ones. Julie and Doug flew in on the 13th, but planned to spend the 14th and through the weekend with us. I had made a visit to Regions Hospital on Wednesday the 13th at the advice of my Portland OB office to be sure I wasn't leaking amniotic fluid, but after a test was done, it was determined I was not. The Dr also checked my cervix and I was now 1 centimeter dilated. I thought nothing of that as I'd had friends be centimeters dilated through the end of their pregnancy. On Thursday morning, my friend, Jacki, stopped over at the house the morning of the 14th and not long after, Julie and Doug walked through the door. They took Kaylen shopping and we eventually headed over to the river house to spend the day.
Kaylen played at the river, took a boat ride, Kaylen and I swam in the river, and started to make a yummy dinner that the entire family would eat out on the deck overlooking the river on a beautiful night. While helping make the salad, I started to not feel well and had some "waves" of nausea hit me with some back pain. In the recent weeks, this wasn't super alarming as I'd had not always felt good, so pushed on. During dinner, my "waves" started to get a little more uncomfortable to the point that after dinner, I went inside to lay on the couch to start tracking them. They increasingly got more painful now to the point that I wanted to cry. I was determined that I was just waiting these out and they were some false labor contractions as some of my friends who had recently had babies had experienced. But Gregg and Julie decided it was time to go back to the hospital to be checked. Thank God they did. Doug and Julie drove me back to Regions and ensured Gregg they would call if it was labor or otherwise. However, I contracted regularly the entire way to the hospital and by the time I got to the hospital, I was nonstop contracting and in lots and lots of pain. I asked to use the restroom and discovered about that time, that it was real labor. I asked Julie to call Gregg and shortly thereafter, I heard her tell Gregg on the phone, Get to the hospital sweet pea, you're going to have a baby tonight. I looked at her and just told her no. :-) Ahh, what happens to your brain when you're caught completely off guard. I was still so sure that this was not happening. I was 34 weeks and 2 days. Kaylen showed no signs of early labor and I was sure this was not going to happen on this trip. We had brought nothing with us and I had a repeat c section scheduled in Portland for September 16th with a due date of September 23rd. I had told at least 15 people who were concerned with my flying, that the Dr had okay'd it, that he wasn't going to come early, and that worst case scenario, I would be home in MN with my family should anything happen. Ahhhhh yes, so of course it did.
Everything thereafter went very quickly. I realized that the "small gush" of what I thought was leaking that afternoon before we took a boat ride, was my water breaking. Now that I'd reached the hospital, I was told I was 4 centimeters dilated and I don't remember the effacement, but it was then that I realized, it was all happening that night. I told them I wanted a repeat c-section as I had previously been diagnosed with Kaylen's delivery that I had pelvic disproportion and that a vaginal delivery was not likely. However, I got the impression from the day before that Regions is very pro VBAC. They moved forward as though I would have the c-section, and I was being prepped for an epidural and we were just waiting for the fluids to go through and the anesthesiologist was on his way. The OB, Dr. Fall, approached me asking if I would want to consider a VBAC as the baby was going to be premature and likely smaller. I have a hard time knowing where I want to go to lunch when asked, and had a REALLY difficult time deciding something that major without Gregg. So, Julie called him for me, but I was in so much pain, I couldn't talk. Somewhere in my head, I made some peace with the idea in that I could at least try. I was told there was still time for the epidural as my body and mind were already exhausted and overwhelmed by the pain. I had not done much to prepare for dealing with contractions as I had never fully considered labor unmedicated. However, while we were still waiting for the fluids, I began to feel pressure and the doctors said I was now fully effaced and in full labor. My opportunity for an epidural was GONE. Sigh. So, full speed ahead, it was time to push. Gregg and my Mom had made it to the hospital in time, though I didn't know my Mom was in the waiting room with Doug, which Julie and Gregg were in the room with me. My Mom was told it was going to be a c-section and had no idea we were inside in active labor. However, I'm not sure after she struggled watching me recover from my c-section with Kaylen, that she could've handled seeing me in that much pain.
The doctors all told me I was doing great with pushing and at one point, Dr. Fall told me she thought it might be the next one. However, it wasn't the next one or the next one, or the one after that. I realized as I saw them wheel something in, that I realized I might have been holding just a little back over fear of those last pushes, that I had to get it together. I gave it all I had, and in those last two pushes, he was out. It took him a minute to make noise and I was petrified, until just a couple short seconds later, he was crying. My heart soared. I also learned later that his heart rate had begun to drop and what they had wheeled in was the vacuum. I was so thankful that it was not necessary that it be used. I went through a little more pain as they took care of our son and had to finish up taking care of me.... MAN, I was so over the pain! But not long after, they took me to the recovery floor. We were told our baby boy would need to be in the NICU or at Regions, the Specialty Care Nursery, for at least 24 hours. Little did we know at the time, that it was going to potentially be weeks. My family all got to go meet him as did I after I was allowed to leave the L&D floor. He was beautiful, perfect and amazing, just as Kaylen was the minute we all met her.
My mind was truly still blown that I had given birth to our son. We had nothing with us, flights would have to be changed, no arrangements home would have to be made, and most importantly, the new fight would be getting our sweet guy well enough to come home, when he was ready, whenever that might be.
Oh... and giving him a name. We were 95% sure his first name would be Everett, but thought we had a little more time to lock that in. Nope. But the real struggle was with his middle name. We had tossed around a number of family names, but really tried hard to figure out flow and sound. Kaylen's middle name is after my paternal Grandmother, Lorraine, and I've loved her name from minute one. Gregg let me change her first name just a couple months prior to her arrival, so I wanted Gregg to have the final say on Everett's middle name. In the end, Kaylen and Gregg's, the votes most important, we chose Everett James. He was born August 14th at 10:16 pm, weight 4 lbs 14 oz and 18.5 inches long.... and incredibly loved.
We were all in a bit of a frenzy, so between Julie's shopping spree and Gregg's and help from my cousins Ryan and Stacy, this little guy is going to make it back to Portland with STUFF. :-) It has been so nice to have so many really try to help and come through for us. It has been an overwhelming process and I spend much of my time with Everett in the NICU while trying to get home for a few hours some days to spend time with Kaylen. My parents are largely Kaylen's main caregivers and will be until Gregg and Kaylen go home on August 30th. Everett and I will go home when he's ready.
He is slowly making progress, taking a little more by bottle each feeding, trying to get some exposure to the breast and the rest by NG tube feeding. As of yesterday, at a week and 1 day, he had surpassed his birth weight by an ounce. Praying he will continue to grow and get stronger and one day soon the switch will flip and his feedings will vastly improve as will his desaturation drops in oxygen. But he is perfect, and sweet and calm. I asked if it was a preemie thing to not cry much and the nurses have told me no, not really. He is just a calm sweet baby and the only thing he really doesn't enjoy is the amount of air he gets in that tiny little belly.
We are all in love with him and Kaylen has been looking forward very much to his arrival. She is not so sure she wanted it to happen this soon, but she is doing well adjusting and giving him lots of kisses when she visits the hospital. But what I'd heard is definitely true, it was hard to believe that the overwhelming love you have for your first does not divide to love the next, but multiplies. It overwhelms my heart just how lucky and perfect our new family of four is, but it has been an incredible experience to be able to share it at home with my family surrounded by the immense love everyone has for these two kiddos. I am anxious to get my family home and all be together, but not until he's ready that's for sure. Just trying to live in the moment and in these moments, I'm feeling completely completely completely blessed.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Happy 4th of July!!
I realized half way through today just how much I've come to love the 4th of July and so much of that comes from my parents. We never had just one tradition, but over the years, they created many traditions and many memories. I have a lot of anxiety about going to overly crowded places and waiting hours to see fireworks and having a tired kiddo who can't withstand the wait. So... long story short, unless the "big" fireworks seem easy-ish, I will find a way out of it. Though year after year, my parents made the 4th of July special. I have memories at the family friends' cabin we would spend many years at, I have memories of watching fireworks, not only on the 4th of July at Arrowwood Resort with my Mom's oohs and ahhs (she is REALLY good at the oohs and ahhs), and of picking out fireworks with my Dad from the box as he lit them all up. And years later, taking boat rides down crowded rivers to watch fireworks displays and from the beach at the riverhouse when we could see them from across the river.
It had to all have been an element of work, but sure never seemed that way. They seemed to love it and now I do, too. This year we were lucky enough for Gregg to have the day off with us AND it was on a Friday! We tossed around ideas of the beach, but Kaylen was really wanting to go on a carousel, but rather than drive to the coast just for that, we spent a few hours at Oaks Park Amusement Park (with the thousand people claiming picnicking spots for the fireworks later) and went on all the rides her little heart desired. It was such a gorgeous day and a wonderful way to spend it outside. She and I went to a friend's birthday dinner and Gregg got some studying done and we gave a miss to the "big" fireworks along the water front that we could've watched from my work because Kaylen was really looking forward to the package of small ones Daddy bought to do at home. So, we made a bonfire and smores ;-) and then lit off all of ours. She really loved getting to pick out the next one and watch them go off. We had sparklers as we all did growing up and she really loved them... until one of those sparks landed on her wrist :-(. And the sweet girl has quite the incredible memory, so I sure hope she will someday want to do sparklers again.
Overall it was such a great day. She had the best smile, won herself a couple new stuffed animals, had some time with little friends at the dinner and got to do fireworks. As we were doing the bonfire and she started the sparklers, she kept singing, this is the best day ever. I love when she says that because it makes me feel like we're doing something right and she says it quite a bit. She changed her mind about that after the little burn, but overall, she had a really great day.
But it also made me so grateful to have married the kind of man who loves to watch her face light up as my Dad loved to watch ours. There were moments as I got older that my Mom's oohing and ahhing became a little much, but the best part of growing up is that I have a new found love and respect for my parents, especially as I raise kids of my own. They are two incredible people who made incredible memories for us. I remember a few mishaps when a firework or two would land on a dock or fall over and everyone would scatter to avoid it, but those times make memories and nobody got hurt. Maybe minus today with our sweet girl. But they were definitely special times. I hope to make special memories for our kids as well. I'm grateful for my beautiful family for which I got to enjoy the entire day from start to finish and the best two parents a kid can ask for of my own who were on my mind all day in all the ways they helped make this day and many others so special. Granted, I was mostly grateful for the wonderful day with my family, but the 4th is about so much more and I love that we are a family who will always appreciate the freedoms and the history of living in this country. We have a lot to be thankful for.
It had to all have been an element of work, but sure never seemed that way. They seemed to love it and now I do, too. This year we were lucky enough for Gregg to have the day off with us AND it was on a Friday! We tossed around ideas of the beach, but Kaylen was really wanting to go on a carousel, but rather than drive to the coast just for that, we spent a few hours at Oaks Park Amusement Park (with the thousand people claiming picnicking spots for the fireworks later) and went on all the rides her little heart desired. It was such a gorgeous day and a wonderful way to spend it outside. She and I went to a friend's birthday dinner and Gregg got some studying done and we gave a miss to the "big" fireworks along the water front that we could've watched from my work because Kaylen was really looking forward to the package of small ones Daddy bought to do at home. So, we made a bonfire and smores ;-) and then lit off all of ours. She really loved getting to pick out the next one and watch them go off. We had sparklers as we all did growing up and she really loved them... until one of those sparks landed on her wrist :-(. And the sweet girl has quite the incredible memory, so I sure hope she will someday want to do sparklers again.
Overall it was such a great day. She had the best smile, won herself a couple new stuffed animals, had some time with little friends at the dinner and got to do fireworks. As we were doing the bonfire and she started the sparklers, she kept singing, this is the best day ever. I love when she says that because it makes me feel like we're doing something right and she says it quite a bit. She changed her mind about that after the little burn, but overall, she had a really great day.
But it also made me so grateful to have married the kind of man who loves to watch her face light up as my Dad loved to watch ours. There were moments as I got older that my Mom's oohing and ahhing became a little much, but the best part of growing up is that I have a new found love and respect for my parents, especially as I raise kids of my own. They are two incredible people who made incredible memories for us. I remember a few mishaps when a firework or two would land on a dock or fall over and everyone would scatter to avoid it, but those times make memories and nobody got hurt. Maybe minus today with our sweet girl. But they were definitely special times. I hope to make special memories for our kids as well. I'm grateful for my beautiful family for which I got to enjoy the entire day from start to finish and the best two parents a kid can ask for of my own who were on my mind all day in all the ways they helped make this day and many others so special. Granted, I was mostly grateful for the wonderful day with my family, but the 4th is about so much more and I love that we are a family who will always appreciate the freedoms and the history of living in this country. We have a lot to be thankful for.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Happy Father's Day!
So much for back. I was waiting, always waiting, a true procrastinator by nature. And apparently pretty OCD. I had a hard time starting without starting from the beginning. I was waiting until I could give the full back brief on the years missed on this blog. Mostly the years to catch up on what I missed posting about Kaylen, pictures, things we love about her, just how much we love her, etc. To touch on our marriage getting tough, but then our greatness coming back with a vengeance and being at the top of our game. But then, life struck, the bad kinds of news. The kick you in the gut and wait for it to come in threes kind of news.... and it did. Maybe we'll get to the back briefs, I hope to get there, to post some pictures these last couple years on here of our beautiful princess who we could not be more in love with. And I'll be getting to the bad news and the hard year in some posts I'm determined to get started soon. But today is Father's Day. And those men deserve a real mention before I can move on.
Today, I have to take the time to appreciate the wonderful men in my life. It goes without saying, that this life provides some bad times with the good and I was not always an easy handful growing up. But I never doubted that my parents loved me. There are plenty of stories that we could touch on about my testing their every patience in the early years, but one of the great aspects of becoming an adult, is that you get to a point where you need your parents in evolving ways. I need their ear, their advice, their presence in mine, their love of my children and of me. It just gets a little simpler. They're much more my friends and my confidants, my rocks. And I have come to really enjoy this phase. Sadly, we're not granted forever in this lifetime with anyone and I've spent a lifetime being anxious about the possibility of losing my parents and this last year has brought me far closer to that reality. So, I'm going to be pretty real most likely in the year to come hopefully on this blog. I want to get my feelings, my anger, my grief, the love, the highs, the lows.... OUT. I need to get them out and somewhere I will be able to look back on some of this journey, but I want to never forget the love and the great memories I have with those I love most. Which is why I have no choice, but to stop procrastinating and making excuses and get back to this blog.
My Dad has always been the quiet type, much likely my grandma. Quiet strength, quiet humor, and wonderful, charming smiles. Always present, always tidbits of advice and encouragement when needed. But there are plenty of times he's not so quiet. He loves to have a good time and laugh and enjoy friends. And he loves to tell jokes and stories. Whether they're ridiculous jokes or a story much about nothing, he has the ability to talk. I definitely got my inability to make a short story short from him. He's busy, there is always much to do. At one of their two houses, things to fix, boats to ready, houses/rivers/pools to prepare, appointments to attend to, errands to run. In their retirement, life has anything but slowed down. It was always impressive to me that all those lists and things to do, for my Dad, were just part of the package. They both worked full time and well into retirement. But things like putting gas in my Mom's car before she'd leave for work in the morning or when she'd get home in the evening, stopping by the grocery store, waxing the boats for summer, yard work at our house, or other properties or just taking us all out on weekends for summer excursions on the boats or family trips, was just all part of the package. Sure, there were times when we would drive them nuts, I'm sure, but the "work" of it all, they never made seem like work. The packing of the food, the making of sandwiches, the packing of the cars, the trips, the flights. I don't recall them making the process difficult. If it was, they often wore it well. We never went without, that's for sure. We were given great lives, and great parents. I was given an incredible Dad, who to this day, is always a sounding board in my life. I love him more than words and when you get that man to smile... which can often be difficult, especially if there is a camera around, can really make a moment and my heart happy. His smile is melting like my Mom's great laugh.
When I met Gregg and my in-laws, I knew I'd struck gold. They are incredible people and welcomed me with open arms. They knew of hard times and personal flaws and loved me anyway. One of my first memories of my father-in-law was a long, serious chat we had after Gregg had gotten on a plane out of Salt Lake City and I was awaiting my flight after my first visit to Wyoming. He is so easy to talk to and so accepting, never judgmental. It's no wonder he became a Pastor because he was born to be the part. And I've been able to enjoy his love ever since. I still get the calls to check in when he knows I could use the support, the prayers and the encouragement. He always checks in and is always an ear when I need it. He is an easy going, calm spirit and I couldn't be luckier to have him as a father-in-law and the wonderful gift he's given me in his son.
Now to close with the rock. The rock that has helped get me through the last 12 years of my life and in particular this last. And I know that this year was just one in the journey, as much as I hate to admit it, there are worse yet to come... along with the best, I'm sure. In all the ways Gregg is an amazing Dad, he is also as a husband. He is funny, loving, playful, fun, and incredibly loyal and protective to all he loves. He is very busy and works very hard, but always makes us a priority as well. He has done well to find a healthy balance through medical school and always takes time for us and for Kaylen. He dotes on her and the princess she is over and over and is very much looking forward to meeting his son in September. He has a big heart and loves deep. Gregg is one of the most genuine and loyal friends I know, to us and everyone he calls a friend. He will be a forever friend to our children as well. He is hilarious and playful. It is one of my favorite things to watch he and Kaylen strike up a battle in the middle of the kitchen or living room. I love that he is so creative, especially with her, as it's something I find I lack. But his strength is something that will continue to get us all through the good and bad times. It has helped me through this last year in particular. He has been my rock and in the posts to come, many will focus on my other rock: my Mom.
Although life has brought a lot of ups and downs lately, I try and take the time to appreciate the many great things in my life at this moment in time. I struggle worrying about the future. But right now, I'm surrounded by my family and many good friends and have to take the time to spend some time in the moments I'm given with them. And grateful I am.
Today, I have to take the time to appreciate the wonderful men in my life. It goes without saying, that this life provides some bad times with the good and I was not always an easy handful growing up. But I never doubted that my parents loved me. There are plenty of stories that we could touch on about my testing their every patience in the early years, but one of the great aspects of becoming an adult, is that you get to a point where you need your parents in evolving ways. I need their ear, their advice, their presence in mine, their love of my children and of me. It just gets a little simpler. They're much more my friends and my confidants, my rocks. And I have come to really enjoy this phase. Sadly, we're not granted forever in this lifetime with anyone and I've spent a lifetime being anxious about the possibility of losing my parents and this last year has brought me far closer to that reality. So, I'm going to be pretty real most likely in the year to come hopefully on this blog. I want to get my feelings, my anger, my grief, the love, the highs, the lows.... OUT. I need to get them out and somewhere I will be able to look back on some of this journey, but I want to never forget the love and the great memories I have with those I love most. Which is why I have no choice, but to stop procrastinating and making excuses and get back to this blog.
My Dad has always been the quiet type, much likely my grandma. Quiet strength, quiet humor, and wonderful, charming smiles. Always present, always tidbits of advice and encouragement when needed. But there are plenty of times he's not so quiet. He loves to have a good time and laugh and enjoy friends. And he loves to tell jokes and stories. Whether they're ridiculous jokes or a story much about nothing, he has the ability to talk. I definitely got my inability to make a short story short from him. He's busy, there is always much to do. At one of their two houses, things to fix, boats to ready, houses/rivers/pools to prepare, appointments to attend to, errands to run. In their retirement, life has anything but slowed down. It was always impressive to me that all those lists and things to do, for my Dad, were just part of the package. They both worked full time and well into retirement. But things like putting gas in my Mom's car before she'd leave for work in the morning or when she'd get home in the evening, stopping by the grocery store, waxing the boats for summer, yard work at our house, or other properties or just taking us all out on weekends for summer excursions on the boats or family trips, was just all part of the package. Sure, there were times when we would drive them nuts, I'm sure, but the "work" of it all, they never made seem like work. The packing of the food, the making of sandwiches, the packing of the cars, the trips, the flights. I don't recall them making the process difficult. If it was, they often wore it well. We never went without, that's for sure. We were given great lives, and great parents. I was given an incredible Dad, who to this day, is always a sounding board in my life. I love him more than words and when you get that man to smile... which can often be difficult, especially if there is a camera around, can really make a moment and my heart happy. His smile is melting like my Mom's great laugh.
When I met Gregg and my in-laws, I knew I'd struck gold. They are incredible people and welcomed me with open arms. They knew of hard times and personal flaws and loved me anyway. One of my first memories of my father-in-law was a long, serious chat we had after Gregg had gotten on a plane out of Salt Lake City and I was awaiting my flight after my first visit to Wyoming. He is so easy to talk to and so accepting, never judgmental. It's no wonder he became a Pastor because he was born to be the part. And I've been able to enjoy his love ever since. I still get the calls to check in when he knows I could use the support, the prayers and the encouragement. He always checks in and is always an ear when I need it. He is an easy going, calm spirit and I couldn't be luckier to have him as a father-in-law and the wonderful gift he's given me in his son.
Now to close with the rock. The rock that has helped get me through the last 12 years of my life and in particular this last. And I know that this year was just one in the journey, as much as I hate to admit it, there are worse yet to come... along with the best, I'm sure. In all the ways Gregg is an amazing Dad, he is also as a husband. He is funny, loving, playful, fun, and incredibly loyal and protective to all he loves. He is very busy and works very hard, but always makes us a priority as well. He has done well to find a healthy balance through medical school and always takes time for us and for Kaylen. He dotes on her and the princess she is over and over and is very much looking forward to meeting his son in September. He has a big heart and loves deep. Gregg is one of the most genuine and loyal friends I know, to us and everyone he calls a friend. He will be a forever friend to our children as well. He is hilarious and playful. It is one of my favorite things to watch he and Kaylen strike up a battle in the middle of the kitchen or living room. I love that he is so creative, especially with her, as it's something I find I lack. But his strength is something that will continue to get us all through the good and bad times. It has helped me through this last year in particular. He has been my rock and in the posts to come, many will focus on my other rock: my Mom.
Although life has brought a lot of ups and downs lately, I try and take the time to appreciate the many great things in my life at this moment in time. I struggle worrying about the future. But right now, I'm surrounded by my family and many good friends and have to take the time to spend some time in the moments I'm given with them. And grateful I am.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
And we're back
Where to begin. I've thought a hundred times over how to re-start this blog, to get back on the horse, to try again. We even got me a new computer to help me get back on the horse! And yet, it's been almost two years. I've struggled with the guilt knowing I started this blog as something Kaylen could look back on and managed to let fall by the wayside for too long because I didn't make it a high enough priority. As I missed more time, more pictures and more updates, it got harder and harder and harder to pick back up again. I'm a little OCD that way in that it's hard for me to skip over and as going back and filling in the gaps became more and more daunting, it just never happened. Had some issues with contemplating changing the URL and/or making it private... ALL kinds of reasons to procrastinate in coming back. Have I mentioned I'm a procrastinator? Thank God my husband is NOT. Long story short > major mom fail for me.
But as I embark on another new journey with my family and have committed to writing updates for my mom and her health (more on that to come.........), I knew I needed to find a way to get back to this, to posting and keeping record of my family as well. For all of us. We struggled through some hard times the last couple years and 2013 was generally not good to us (again... more on that to come... ish) and that may have helped me stay away, BUT this is a new year and with everything in me, I pray it will be a much much better year.
SO, this is my commitment (eek!) to come back. To come back to posts and gushes about memories, updates, pictures of my beautiful family and now 4.5 yr old (WHAT!?) intelligent, funny, gorgeous daughter. The times are flying by, they say that happens, and she is getting older right before our eyes. Gregg continues to blow us away in all he is learning and the rate in which he's learning it. He continues to impress greatly, score well, and strive bigger with every step. And it's time to come back. I didn't make a new year's resolution, but I think this is it. Keeping up with this blog and the updates on my mom. We have been forced to accept the bad and embrace the good. Ready to continue to tell our story, to be honest with this site, regardless of who sees it but more for ourselves to help remember the journey.
But as I embark on another new journey with my family and have committed to writing updates for my mom and her health (more on that to come.........), I knew I needed to find a way to get back to this, to posting and keeping record of my family as well. For all of us. We struggled through some hard times the last couple years and 2013 was generally not good to us (again... more on that to come... ish) and that may have helped me stay away, BUT this is a new year and with everything in me, I pray it will be a much much better year.
SO, this is my commitment (eek!) to come back. To come back to posts and gushes about memories, updates, pictures of my beautiful family and now 4.5 yr old (WHAT!?) intelligent, funny, gorgeous daughter. The times are flying by, they say that happens, and she is getting older right before our eyes. Gregg continues to blow us away in all he is learning and the rate in which he's learning it. He continues to impress greatly, score well, and strive bigger with every step. And it's time to come back. I didn't make a new year's resolution, but I think this is it. Keeping up with this blog and the updates on my mom. We have been forced to accept the bad and embrace the good. Ready to continue to tell our story, to be honest with this site, regardless of who sees it but more for ourselves to help remember the journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)