I dun love him anymore...I think.

I lay in bed, not being able to sleep as I was doing some soul-searching...I thot and thot and thot and finally decided to just write it down so that I can have my mind cleared so as to enter dreamland.

Its been 5 years and this is one hell of a decision I have to make, it might cause temporal depression, but I have to totally trust God in this. God is telling me that its time to let go. I have cried enough, feelin' like shit enough, living my life for him enough, gotten angry with God enough, learnt enough from this 5-year experience. NO doubt, in every situation, I thank God, in my shittiest moments I blame God for putting me thru this, but after that I would still thank God, becos I know I have become stronger, emotionally and in my faith...thru the hard way yeah...

As I reflect, possibilities of me thinking that I dun love him anymore came to my mind. Its either I'm too tired and just want to give it up or its God's opportune timing to tell me that "Wendy, u're old enough. Live life for yourself and for Me, dun live for smth that's eating u away anymore." It's both, I guess...becos the former without the latter will be quite impossible. Too tired, I have always been. I'm tired, yes, but at the same time it's human to feel its such a waste to just let it go, isn't it? 5 years leh, I have shed how many bottles of tears, made how big a space for him in my heart. Now u want to remove this space in my heart? how? it'll leave a vaccum, wun it? imagine, a vaccum in your heart, u'll die...yes, the point i'm getting to is that its a waste to just let go humanly speaking but God is there to help and heal and to fill up that space, i've learnt (from a great advisor)...

These 5 years, my emotions of anger, disappointment, sadness and disillusion...initially was affected by that very him, but after that it gets convenient to feel all these things as it becomes a habit, when I mean habit, it means that the trigger for these emotions have entered my subconsciousness and sometimes it gets tripped for no reason or becos of the slightest thing that he did or did not do, said or did not say...scary isn't it? Sounds like psychology class, so scientific...but these are real, real that God have put them in us. "them" = "feelings"... I have learnt to cope with them, make good use with them...not a master yet, but learning...

Perhaps, another reason that I might not love him anymore is that I've matured in my thoughts. Everything in the past about him was so perfect, even his flaws are perfect (aw, so romantic)...like what ppl say, love is blind... now, not so...not that his flaws are big and ugly (he's still a wonderful guy) but i've learnt not to see him too perfectly for my own good. I joked to Val that I met a cute guy once during street E and thot to myself: there's more to life than just him! I think she'll be glad for me to read this blog, rite Val... think I'm learning how to be relationally sane. What's yours is yours, what's not, no matter how hard u try...it'll never come.

Now, the decision to let him go...i'm not sure whether I'll cry like i've never cried before at the thot of that vaccum, but I have to trust God to handle my future, no other way...

Wish me luck bro and sis, or I think better to say, pray for me dudes...its for God and for my happiness...cheerios