I miss you, being happy with you.
I miss the feeling of having never ending things to do with you, not minding spending every day together, the feeling of not minding giving so many things up for you.

But in the midst of all that, is anger. Anger at you not knowing how much I've done, at you not accepting things that mean something to me. Anger at you knowing what I've done and yet somehow discounting it because it isn't what matters to you. Anger at how, despite all my imperfections, and your seeming dissatisfaction with me, you're still unwilling to let me go, to push me aside. You're constantly liminal, undecided, sentimental and yet overly logical. It's a bad combination. I wish you could decide what you wanted. It seems to me like you're afraid to say that you don't want me anymore.

Maybe that's how I feel too. I'm tired. Constantly tired of all this quarreling and i ask myself what I'm doing here. What I'm doing with you, with trying to sustain this. Sometimes I find the passion and love for you and I feel happy again. I feel like there's hope and there's a chance of something. When quarrels come, I question this whole relationship again.

I forget. I resent you for how you used to constantly questions our relationship and how I was the one who asked you back, who made promises, who pushed down my stubbornness and pride to keep you. And now that I'm unsure, I'm still the one who tries to keep us together. When have I ever seen you ask me to stay, to ask me not to leave and that you'll do anything to keep me here even if you're not going to keep to it? Maybe you've got your own ways, your own actions in doing this, I see it, kind of, but I dont feel it. The desperation or want that should be present in love. You claim you love me, that I'm a big part of your life. But now, writing this, it's struck me that it may be two different things entirely.

Some holes are too big to mend, some gaps are too far bridge. Maybe it's a matter of that. You're trying hard, but you're probably also questioning yourself why, just like I am. I can't tell you all this because some of it is probably unjust, unfair to you. Maybe they're all delusions of my mind. It'd only make you more angry, more insecure than you really are.

I do want to make this work, turn these smoldering twigs into a legit house with foundations and bricks and a working fire alert system so we'd know when to run, jump, abandon ship. We'd need a bottle of courage too to do that, for people like us. Finally I can put us in the same category. People unable to let go. How are we going to work? Compromise? discussions? only if you don't turn every small thing into an issue. I can't do that. I can't handle that. Don't make me do things I don't want to do. Agree to disagree and move on please. I don't like exercising. Move on. I'll do it when I need to or want to. It's juvenile. So what? What's it to you then?

I'm so tired. I make compromises in the way I treat you. You make compromises in character? Have you really changed that much from 3 years ago?

okay, seriously, i'm turning into a crazy cat lady! Totally spamming pictures of my cat and editing them to look like hipster-artistic shots with iPhone apps ^^

I'm in the midst of finals now, and i think i'm screwing it up. bad. Never written so much NONSENSE for any lit paper before, never had so little to write in my life ever. I thought classical lit would be great, being all about Greek gods and what with my short obsession over greek myths and all. BUT NOOO it was holy hell hard. Hopefully tomorrow's paper will go better. Survey II please save me.

Slackness never feels good in the end. Sigh.

Cut out the cloth to sew the nyan cat's rainbow trail! I think its gona be the most ambitious thing I've sewn. Took me 25 mins to sew just the two pieces of blue cloth together cause it's so wavy!!

How do you sustain or save a straining relationship?

I know I've probably said this many times before, but its something that hasn't changed over the years.

Seriously supposed to be studying now. Not really confident about writing a whole essay about Ingmar Bergman's Persona yet and the exam is TOMORROW. save my soul.