Growing up!!

Okay, I think I have finally become an adult.  I realize age wise I have been considered an adult for well over a decade but in the last week or so I actually have realized that I am one.  Here is what I know...I have a great life.  It is certainly not the life I planned for myself and for sure not the one I dreamed about but it is the one I have and as I heard someone say once it's time I start LIVING my life.  The thing is, I have actually done some super cool things in my life but have always put a negative spin on them.  "If only I had more money this experience would be so much better." "If only I were married or had a boyfriend this trip would be way more exciting and romantic."  Since when do the Disney Princesses have the corner on fantastic lives?  Just because I don't have a bank full of money and Prince Charming hasn't rescued me from my life doesn't mean good things can't happen.

 My good friends sister recently got married in a courthouse.  Most people would not consider this a dream venue for a wedding and I will admit upon first hearing the plan I was a little skeptical.  I was skeptical, that is, until I heard how she described her wedding.  She described the ceromony as "perfect" and you know what?  They are married and that is what counts.  It was perfect.  The moral of this little story is perfection comes in all forms and often when and where we don't expect it.  Congratulations Ellen and thank you for unknowingly help me realize that I am a grown up.  I owe you one!

Decisions

I am absolutely horrible at making decisions.  Actually, scratch that I am a pretty good decision maker it's the follow through that brings me down.  I have this inherent fear of commitment.  I can't commit to the decisions once they been make.  Theoretically I know what I want in my life but putting the plan in motion is terrifying.  I am pretty sure this is not normal behavior for a woman in her 30's but it is what it is. 

There are no major life decisions facing me right now so I am not sure why I am bringing this topic up today but it has just been on my mind lately.  So m y new challenge for myself if to make a decision and live with it's consequences.  I am not sure where this is going to lead me but I will keep you informed.

Happy!

I am a happy woman!!  My Yankees have a 2-0 lead over the Twins (sorry Greg).  But more importantly I am just happy with my life.  I am still woefully unemployed but I figure that has to change eventually.  I am a fantastic (yes, I am tooting my own horn) employee with a lot to offer so I figure the perfect job opportunity is just waiting to present itself. 

My health has been iffy for the entire year.  I started the year off with a breast cancer scare and moved right into stomache problems but with the help of my fantastic doctors those issues are starting to get cleared up and I am finally taking control of my own health.  Thanks to my awesome friend Amy Jo Tucker I have been motivated for the first time in a long time to really take care of my body. 

I have terrific friends who actually care about me and my happiness.  I have reconnected with an old college roommate who I haven't kept in touch with over the last couple of years.  She is my hero.  She deals with OCD like I do and it is so nice to have someone to share experiences with.  I know I am crazy but it is nice to know that other people have issues like I do.  Laura, I love you!!  Your gentle, unjudging spirit has gotten me through some dark nights and for that I will always be grateful. 

Lesson for me in all of this rambling...Life is good.  Sometimes bad things happen but it is up to us to make of it what we will. 

Love Advice Needed!!

How do you tell someone you love them and have them receive it in the spirit intended? Is it selfish of me to want to express my feelings? I have never been good at this sort of thing. I grew up in a family where love wasn’t and still isn’t freely expressed verbally. When my sister had Sophia I made a conscious choice to tell her often how much I love her and it has become second nature. That being said I have never said the words “I love you” out loud to an unrelated person of the opposite sex. I have actually been in love before but the fear of rejection has always held me back. No more! In the spirit of living my life and not just getting through I want to embrace my feelings.

Therein lies the dilemma. Is it selfish to want to tell someone how I feel? I have heard some say that it is compliment or some other nonsense to be loved. Is this a true statement? I have also heard others say it freaked them out when finding out someone was in love with them. I want to be able to feel like I am being honest in my relationships without coming across as a stalker. Even as I write that I realize it sounds ridiculous. It is not exactly as if the person I am in love with is some celebrity type who has never even heard my name. He is a flesh and blood person and while I am pretty sure he already has a firm grasp on how I feel I want to make my feelings 100% clear. I want there to be no mistake on how I feel or what I want. At the same time I don’t want to lose him in my life. He has been the best friend I could as for over the last couple of years and part of me does not want to risk that friendship.

I suppose if he reads this post I may not need any feedback on this topic for this particular occasion but I want your thoughts anyways. Please, dear friends, help me!! When is it appropriate to express your feelings of love and is it okay to risk a friendship to see if it could develop into something more? Remember as you make your comments that this isn’t Hollywood, this is my life and while a “happily ever after” wouldn’t be frowned upon I just want some honest feedback.

On that note, I love you!!!