we keep destinations in our minds, always looking ahead for the better days. when we are alone, we want to be in love. when we are in love, we want even more. nothing satisfies, because it is our condition to always see what we could have. but i am starting to realize that the beauty lies in the road we take, and not necessarily in the final point. we have the opportunity to gather up so many wonderful things on our paths and take so much away from each experience. there really is no destination. the more i accept this, the happier i find myself feeling.

every day brings new things and old things. recycled routines and little surprises. but it is still only just a day. we pour our thoughts and our actions into each one, and it is these that determine how it all ends. there may not always be a silver lining in every situation, but there is still plenty to be grateful for. you are breathing. you are alive. that alone is more than so many in the world are promised. and life—however unappreciated it may be—is always a gift.

if you are experiencing a troubling period, remember that it is always darkest before a new dawn. so make the most of today. it is yours to shape into something beautiful. and be grateful for what you have, and don’t entertain thoughts of what you are without. we have been given on earth is limited; make all your seconds something worth remembering.

at times, i think that maybe i was meant for another era, or another world. at times, silent seems almost normal. instead of feeling misunderstood, i often wonder whether i am misunderstanding everyone else. is it just me? i eventually come to my senses and remind myself that i am who i am and it's nothing to apologize for. i guess others learn to cope and adapt to the world even when it feels completely foreign to them. i will cope but i will not just blindly nod and agree. i'll always question.

the days move forward with momentum only time can carry. weightless, effortless, it is only evidence. the changing of the leaves and backwards progression from death to life and natural digression back. from wall to wall.

you said you would not cross the river for anything, not for nothing. and while you whisper sweet poems the leaves and sky and buildings on, you utter obscenities and curse behind your breath.

there's always rain on the ground and the clouds only lurk. for all the mistakes we made and the things we forgot you'll disappear east as easily as you close the door. and then the sun shines a hang over.

and then it's nothing. if not, your bruise.

i have missed the train. again. standing on the queue, i wait. the next train shall not pass me by. usually. it is just that occasionally i need some more time than life offers. all the time.

but time has never been a friend of mine. the cruel games it plays are more than my mind can stand. when i need a minute, i get a second. when i don't want a second, i get a minute. time travels in an obscure way. as if to tempt my soul and test my will.

then i ask myself 'what would i do if i had more time?'. and quite frankly, i can not think of one valid thing. i would be in the exact situation no matter what. i can not blame time. i can only blame me.

sometimes i just happen to hate me. well, that's actually not entirely accurate. i hate me always. it is just sometimes i can bear the thought of me. my mind shifts and i become dangerously close to self consumed peril.

what if i did?
what if i had?
how can i?
could i?
i mean really, could i do that? i honestly think that i could. it would be once and it would be fast.

it is so not the answer and i know that. but what is? why does this carry on and on and never end? i have gone from doing to just hardly managing to get by.

this is not me. this is not the me i wanted to become. and now i fear i am too late to actually fix it. fix me. i am broken and bleeding.

'nobody said it would be easy. but nobody said it would be this damn hard.' and how true. i have attempted. i have gone. i have done. but it just does not work out for me. no matter what i do, what i say, where i am, who i am with.

i am always alone. and sad. and lonely.

i think of not being here every single day. i wish there was somewhere to be. something to be. someone to be. but i always end up being just here, just nothing, and just me.

i am drowning in quicksand and i can't pull myself up anymore. honestly, i do not even want to try anymore. i have been pulling and pulling for 10 years to just keep my head above ground and i am just tired. so very tired.

with all my heart and all my will and all my energy, i have given. now, i am just giving up. this life has consumed me. stolen my head and hurt my heart. i just have no use for this anymore.

i will continue to be. but be a little more quiet. a little more obscure. a little more unnoticed. with all intentions of just fading to black. fading away. not living to die another day.

i am falling out of my head. i am falling back into my cage. the cage that has restrained me to the world for years. the door was slightly open, and like a curious tiger, i approached it. however, that door was quickly closed and slammed on me. and the cage has taken control.

i have been told that i am not good enough. on more than one occasion. the first time it stings, but you can get back quickly. however, on each subsequent passing, it is no longer unforgettable as just someone's vain opinion. after some time, you actually start to believe it. not as though you want to, and you often know you should not, but repetition resonates.

so, the lesson i have learned again and i'll try to remember for the rest of my life, is that i am never going to be good enough. i will never be that person.

i will never experience things in life and i think i can get right with that. i know that i am inferior and inadequate, but until this year i actually thought i had a chance at a life that's worth living. but after reverberations and intimidation, i realize that i am not worthy of anything. i only have and am only entitled to what i can make for myself in and of myself.

and, although it takes me some time, i finally realize that i am not in any mood to be well received or looked at/toward/down upon. just keep your eyes off me and you will be better off. 'Someone like me' will only hurt and scar and burn.

and do not talk to me, 'someone like me' doesn't have any words that 'someone like you' would want to hear. i am abysmal and drowning. and i do not want your life vest. i do not want you to even notice. just let me sink. let me drown.

there is no need to feed your sense of self and belonging in helping. there is really no reason for you to be all up in my business. it is not as though it matters. you were fine long before me and you will be even better after me. i do not want empathy or sympathy or thoughts or emotions or words or any sense of caring. just let me go.

my head has been above water for long enough and sometimes i think this ocean will consume all of me. it is becoming harder and harder to tread water. i do not want to anymore.

i will find my own beach. my own life. my own place where 'someone like me' and someone 'that much' should be.

my own personal exile.