lets just say that everyone of us goes through a similar education system.

Just within 2 decades or so, friends around me starts to have differing views. Politics, Religion, morality, the differences are extreme.

Opinions are something really interesting. Its like if you have a strong opinion of something, like for example, the existence of God, you'd feel that its so certain, its just undeniable. There's no room for argument, no room in your mind that it just wouldn't be.

Sometimes i take a look at myself, and I simply have no room for the flip side of certain things. But when i take a third person view of myself, or at things, i can understand why people become so insistent of their own views - that i start to accept everything - and i don't know where i stand.

Where do my opinions come from? I wouldn't say education. I feel its more of our personal life experience. People have different life experiences. And because of that, everyone is likely to believe in different things.

What I see and hear, and feel, now, changes who i am in the future.

And can we really control what we experience? Sometimes no, sometimes yes. But i'd like to think that as a whole, external events are somewhat random, unless I am a powerful or influential figure.

If our experiences are random, wouldn't our opinions be somewhat random as well?

If the same me was born in a different month, or a different year, or at a different place, and I still who i am? will i have the same beliefs? probably not, i feel like.

because of that, many times i keep asking myself, what do i really know? what is right and wrong? how? sometimes i question myself so much, i begin wondering if i could even confidently say if something, in the slightest shades of grey, could be either or.
one hour ago, i was in the lift imagining i was dead. perhaps it could be liberating: the feeling of having all your worries laid to rest, the daily toil, the pursuit of the medium of exchanges, meeting expectations by yourself and from others, and then, it could be that easy; the experience of nothing.

as i exit the lift, i reminded myself that living is simply about being happy.

i just did my first reservice a week ago. it was nothing short of perfection. i exceeded myself. i did what i was there to do. i fought the good fight. i talked to my men. i encouraged them to excel in life, and at work. i discussed religion with my friends. i lent a listening ear to a friend who broke up from a one week relationship and couldn't get over it for a year. i felt invincible carrying lots of shit and walking and climbing. i replied strongly agree to the survey question of whether i was ready for war.

my friends outside the army laugh at me for taking my army training so seriously, but i just wanna be that guy who believes that he has a role to play in this vulnerable nation. and i feel good in the uniform. sometimes i feel that i should have signed on. when i was a decade old i dreamed of being a solider.

i want to the better man. i feel like getting better everyday. everyday i start from zero; i humble myself and start learning. but i have so many weaknesses. there are so many things i know that i have problems dealing with. and its all up there in my head.

Sin.

my friend said i needed God's grace.

if You really exist, then thank You for my friends. at least most of my Christian friends belong to those who are more sane, intelligent and logical; less of those nonsense people.

im still believing in myself. i don't see why God should help me. I should be content with my own life, being physically well and having no worry for food or shelter. my friend feels that Christianity isn't really a religion. he says a relationship with God. i feel that if i were to build this relationship in such times of (self-perceived) need, what different then would that make me from a person who befriends a rich and lonely man for free food and drink?

religion is really interesting. sometimes i feel that its almost imperative that religion would make a person give up his pursuit of everything he thought he was living for.

i discussed with my friend, if 2 million Singaporeans spent 2 hours on their religious pursuits per week, that's 4 million man hours. or 16 million man hours per month. and i must really wonder

how many good deeds, how much charity, how many lives could be saved, with

16,000,000 hours?

now that i think about it, if these hours were spent working, an average pay of 7 per hour would bring in more than a 100 million dollars per month.

i put forth the hypothesis that many religious people could be selfish, self-interested people, and they themselves are soaked in sin, for those who are godless and go around helping the less-privileged ones are the ones who are more enlightened; and only them deserve the reward of going to heaven, for they started out asking nothing in return, while the religious ones search for inner-peace, questing for perfection in self, and furthering their understanding in their respective religious manuals, are only interested in themselves.

of course the hypothesis was flawed; because people do get better from being religious, and religious organizations, they do good deeds. but nothing's so black and white. not everyone would do good to others. even me. and i believe that im not even trying my best, even though nowadays i barely have alone time to entertain myself.

nowadays i constantly ask myself about perfection. what constitutes perfection? what would be the perfect man? i'd imagine my friend telling me that nobody's perfect. and that's why Jesus sacrificed himself to... ...our sins. yeah. i don't know the exact words.

that's not a damn good answer isn't it. but it is absurd..? to think of a perfect person...a template? and then everyone agrees, a law is passed, and everyone just conforms to that template? that's absolute madness.

then i started wondering, what if the world is already...perfect as it is? or is it perfectly lacking in perfection; the other extreme, because it is in such flux and chaos?

recently i wondered if the perfect Human race...is to be perfectly selfish. i like to think on the extreme ends, so pardon me if this sounds crazy to you.

lets not forget how you and i have come into existence. it had been the survival of the fittest for probably thousands of years. your existence hinges on the fact that your ancestors either outsmarted his counterparts, or somehow outlived them, surviving mother nature's selection process when those who failed Her test had died from disease when there were no doctors, or from hunger, or from the heat or cold.

what if - what if our brain structure enabled us to be more selfish than what we are now, to the extent that our brains do not have the capacity to care for others aside from our immediate family members, exist in our brains - and our race, our genes, managed to persist till this day.

for starters, maybe i wouldn't have existed.

but those that do, wouldn't they be much, much stronger, and intelligent? for they are the ones who are self-sufficient - they don't seek help, they don't need it: they work for their own survival. they can handle their own problems, because it is in their genes, for only these have managed to survive. in this world, there are no charity organisations, there are no homes and orphanages. those who have to depend on others, die. those who can depend on themselves, live. perfection. and madness.

now back to our world. maybe this is the true perfection. a mix of selfish and un-selfishness. some compassion. some love.

i highly doubt that a planet inhabited by a race that is perfectly un-selfish would be perfect. humans see little motivation to work hard, seeing that his counterparts wouldn't leave him to die despite his laziness. lazy genes survive. technological progress would stall.

maybe perfection is just a matter of perception.

tomorrow i wake up again, trying to be a better man.
im in a really tough spot right now.

i can't sleep, im in the midst of my exams this week, and i did really badly for the first exam this afternoon. my mind just blanked out during the exam, i panicked, and my mind kept wandering around, i lost focus, i lost it. i totally lost it.

i feel stressed, and i feel as though i've never felt like this or admitted myself to be like that before. i used to be able to deal with things just like that. but today...it feels really dark for me right now. I feel like as though i've expected too much from myself... and i crumbled when i didn't meet my own expectations. im so proud of myself sometimes. i feel as though i've overestimated myself.

the recent events that leads up to the GE are also making me feel quite distraught. i try to steer away from talking politics with my friends because it can lead to heated arguments that are subjective, biased, and its just pointless to dent a solid friendship just to make a point.

i feel disappointed. i don't understand why most of my friends are making fun of potential MPs, laughing at candidates, insulting them, posting smalltalk about people, and sharing notes or videos that are biased and subjective without facts to back them up. its childish. i always thought i had friends better than that.

i don't even know why should i be feeling sad about this. but i just do. i always thought we were rational. we would be sitting down, reading the manifestos of every single party, questioning their policies, things like the efficiency vs credibility and diversity of having a two-party parliament, the social costs and economical benefits of foreign labour, and the economic effects minimum wage. but no. nobody's really concerned with that. i really can't believe it. everyone's a skeptic.

even - and even if we don't care about the feasibility of the policies, at least steer away from the smalltalk. we are better than that.
as much as i try to be skeptical towards the book, the words seem to creep out of the book and pull me in, putting me in first person as if i was lectured and questioned of my character and integrity, my beliefs, my views.

and the deeper i sink in, the more I get disappointed with myself, despite always believing that i'd loved my country, and really, that i probably didn't really know my country well.

other than the 22mths i gave away to the country, the rest of my life was probably spent just for myself, my self interests, and nothing else.

i feel powerless in affecting the environment around me, and the people around me.

in an era where knowledge is relatively expensive and ignorance runs wild like a raging bull and an infectious strain, where do i stand?

i feel so humbled

at least i know that i don't know

i feel so small
if hesitating was a crime, here i'd be pleading guilty.

over the years, i had made it a habit to always try my best to look at both sides of a coin before passing a comment or judgement, or whatever it is that takes sides in a conversation or debate, verbal or written.

lets take a look at how hesitating is costing me lots of worries:

1. i haven't donated money to japan, nor supported any donation cause in whatever form

i feel guilty about that, but there's a rational side of me telling me that Japan, currently ranked 3rd in the entire world for its yearly GDP, is wealthy enough to deal with its crisis, while there are still other countries who constantly need aid.

2. i've been keeping quiet a lot at project discussions

i really feel bad for not participating, and when i do i'd always end up correcting someone else and not offering anything constructive in return. it gets especially bad when there are disagreements about subjective issues, and seeing how conflicting group members all make sense in their own way, i can only resolve to keeping mum. others see a side of me keeping quiet, but inside me the neurons never stopped firing.

3. i have a ton of drafts that i've wasted my time on

several times, before hitting the publish post button, i'd start to re-read and question myself, and i realise that what im trying to say isn't entirely true. then i'd stop, or delete it altogether, effectively wasting my time that i meant to spend archiving my thoughts and perspectives.

4. no positive externalities (3rd parties are not benefiting)

if i don't say it, people can't hear it. i suspect that if i had the courage to just say some things straight up, those things would've sent other neurons firing, inspiring new thoughts that would never have been...thought of.

5. impaired speech

if im not sure about something which i hadn't give much thought about, i'd have to process my thoughts real-time while trying to speak because i always evaluate both sides or whatever number of sides there is, resulting in really bad conversations that contain short pauses every 2 seconds.

6. bruised confidence

if i don't express my subjective views, i don't know if they're really good/bad or right/wrong, which hurts my confidence level on subjective issues.

now that i've confessed to hesitating too much, its time to get it fixed.