There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t because I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can we even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t wanna talk to anybody? You don’t wanna smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you’re alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

I clearly know that I have been deceiving myself, knowing that how probably incompatible we are. You are so smart, As for Alevel, studying in NTU Business school, a guy who is so ambitious and aiming for such a high goal. You were a youth national swimmer, one of the top in your previous job while I am just a neighborhood girl who had just graduated from a polytechnic, not even qualify to further my studies in a local university.
I am incapable of being the woman behind such a man. I can't understand, I can't advise because I have never been through what you are going through and I probably will not be able to in future. I can't comfort you or give you what you need most because I can't control my anger every time we talk, every time we argue. I am not the girl who is able to calm down and sort it out with you because I am so hot-headed and so are you. We clash all the time, we utter vulgarities at each other.
I know you need someone who is calm enough to give into you when you're so mad, you need someone who is smart who is able to advise you maturely or understands how you feel.
I know what you need and I know I am not able to give you the best relationship. instead I am only adding on more problems for you. I know you deserve better but I am so self fish that I can't see myself without you, I can't accept not realizing our dreams together. I am not the one and I am in self deception. You are the best thing that has happened to me. I have no courage to let you go and I can only struggle with all the strength that I have to hold on alone. You are my strength and you are my weakness.
Life hasn't been smooth sailing. It is draining worrying about people and yet getting stabbed, worrying about the kids, managing expectations; what I am expected of, what I am suppose to do, being tested, rushing everything and not being able to do at my own pace. I am only 20. I just want to spend time with myself, am so tired of trusting people and yet they backstab you, am so tired of trusting people while they break their promise. I'm losing my trust, for everyone. Ultimately, you only have yourself to count on.

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with everyday. Then there’s the kind of pain you can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of your world fade away, until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

When you’re feeling emotional… sometimes it’s hard to keep a level head and consider all the facts.

Everyone has the heartbreak that shapes them in a way that they could never go back to the innocence that they had before.

I gave you my heart and that’s all I can give to you. And if that’s not enough for you, then I’m not enough for you.

Don’t try and perfect yourself for one person. Wait for the one who loves your imperfections.