It’s funny how you can grow away from your friends, when just a few years ago, they were the most important people in your life.

I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new, and you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back, and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted; that will eventually fade.

The thing that hurts the most is the fact that I lied to myself. I wanted things to be good so badly that I made up things to gloss over the bad parts. I know that sounds stupid, but that’s exactly what I did. I actually believed it too. To want is a bad thing sometimes. It gets people hurt. It got me hurt. The world is a lonely place and people will go to great lengths to find someone whom they can be with. Someone who doesn’t think that they’re a creep. Just wanting to be able to talk to someone, that want will make you do some nasty things to yourself.

 

 

Sooner or later, the time comes when we all must become responsible adults, and learn to give up what we want so we can choose to do what is right. Of course, a lifetime of responsibility isn’t always easy; and as the years go on, it’s a burden that can become too heavy for some to bear. But still, we try to do what is best, what is good, not only for ourselves, but for those we love.

For what it’s worth; it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

I wish I could make you feel beautiful all of the time. I wish that you would always feel the way I do when you have your arm around me, your head on my shoulder, or your eyes locked with mine. I wish that the thrill I get when you kiss me would constantly surge through you and that your heart would never quit racing the way mine does when I think about how lucky I am to be yours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll screw up. I’ll push you away if we were getting too close. I won’t trust you until you’ve proven yourself. I get hurt easily and take a lot of things personally. But I’ll love you with everything I have and if that isn’t enough, then I’m not worth it.

I don’t know what I do to be put through this. I guess it’s not worth anything to you. I try my best but I guess I wasn’t good enough.

See, there’s a feeling on the inside that says I don’t want you to be better off without me.