slits for eyes

getting thru work today was hard. when they say that your eyes are windows to your soul, i cannot thank God enough for the microscopic slits he has blessed me with. my eyelids played hard at being the shield today. it was so hard, oh so hard.

i am so tired. i dont want to feel like this anymore. and its depressing to know that things have to be that way. "...so with motivation comes hope..." i'll work on that. i really will. just dont give up on me yet.

i hate loving you

with love comes expectations.
with expectations comes disappointments.
with disappointments comes anger.
with anger comes frustration.
with frustration comes depression.
with depression comes desperation.
with desperation comes necessity.
with necessity comes motivation.
with motivation comes hope.
with hope comes peace.
with peace comes satisfaction.

so when someone asked is love really necessary? shouldnt we just fuck it all? i'd say it is. but i'm not saying its a journey through a bed of roses for the thorns that come with its beauty will stab you hard.

it is so fucking difficult to love unconditionally. i dont know how the hell God does it.

glorias been niked

i took a long drive this evening. and having to weave in and out of traffic to beat the peak hour jam was enough to stimulate some flowing brain juices. i think i think best when i drive, or when im taking a dump. haha.

i drove like a gangstress, cutting in and out of lanes just because the ''grass is always greener on the other side, the lanes are always freer on the other side". i cut chevrons, drove into lanes, drove on road shoulders, blasted the horn quite a couple of times, cursed and swore under my breath, whatever it took to get me to where i wanted to. either way, it didnt matter. i enjoy the liberty of being a lady driver. and since its such a slammed status i cannot do anything about, i my as well exploit it.

so there. i got to class. ít was dead boring. i had to amuse myself with his truckload full of mispronounced words. if you cant say it right, dont! i remember one week when we had a speaker that kept talking about the EPL; the English Premium League. it sure as hell is premium.. sheesh.

anyhow.

i had a million thoughts racing thru my head. and its funny because i have a million ideas, but of what use is it if it doesnt actualise. i need to do something. i need to start somewhere, then can i tweak it to my liking. i need to want it bad. it has to be a desire, or a need to be fulfilled. i know i can live off the minimal, i'm low maintenance, every guy should love me more as a girlfriend. haha. but i think i'm getting sick of making do. and thats been making me edgy, its frustating but at least i now know why.

so there. i have no qualms about doing it. i know i'd do a good job if i really wanted it bad enough. so fine, i need to swallow some shoes, grit on the ticks and let nike overwhelm me. i need to just do it.

Last Dive of the Season!

makeover

guess what!

the rooms changed. hurhur. yay for the fresh new look. i should have taken a before and after photo. too bad i guess. i'd be the only one grinning to sleep tonight. woohoo. :):)

the best bit of it all.... the HP's up. scream with me people!

charity: water

because i'm a september baby, go visit borninseptember.org. it's never too late :)

battery's critical

we saw dolphins, oh how i wished i was in the water. just above eugene and the tech divers. what a waste they didnt see it. we went to weird unknown dive sites. i found seamoths! we got stung insanely by jellyfish. we ate like there was no tomorrow. we played silly games with marine handsignals. we pranced around to billy jean. the water was dead flat. the dives were good. we "fished". we tried the DPV. i got hydrioded. we took communual showers. i had toe popsicles every morning. i wanted to put a knife through eugenes head but he made up for it somehow. i got angry, very angry. i wanted so bad to be alone but it was virtually impossible when youre stuck on a 70 foot boat. i had massive diarrhea, which resulted in a broken yolk valve on my apeks reg :(

so alot of things happened over one weekend, but i guess the crew trip went fairly well. my first LOB and i wasnt all raving mad about it, rather tragic i know. whats happening to the gogogloria?

i've been so on the edge lately. i seem to be alot less torlerant towards a certain few people. strangely, the people that are closer to me. i couldnt care less about anyone else right at this point. ive either been angry, or on autopilot. its terrible i know. i dont know whats wrong either.

i even got irritated while diving on this trip. like, the thought of not diving anymore even crossed my mind. im actually finding comfort in the fac that the season is ending. its nasty i swear. like i said, i dont know whats happening..im just.. i need something fresh. something new.

we watched 'what happens in vegas', and the ending scene had cameron diaz talking about how shes spent her whole life pleasing everyone, shes never quite happy. i'm not saying ive been doing that, but i think im pretty much stretched out. i've spent far too much time being the life of the party, i think i need to take a step back to breathe a little. im so glad that ive got robert to bitch to at 5am in the morning. i kinda miss the rambai, having housemates to talk to at anytime of the day. sigh..push on gloria..

so there. i guess "you cant please everyone" isnt just an aphorism afterall. maybe after all this, after i get my battery's recharged, its going to be the start of me doing something remarkable. the art of it all, how i dread the wait..

mambofumble

my nose has been drippy the entire day. it seems to have a mind of its own and goes anytime it wants to. even the 30m tall waterfall at the birdpark can be switched off at will, this was bad.

so i sniffled my way thru the day. got a couple of things out of the way. did pop's family altar book cover which i thought was ok... i guess. wasnt the best i could do, especially since i took just under 10mins to churn it out. he didnt seem too keen either, but i'd reckon he wasnt feeling too good to begin with. it beats the old cover at the very least. so thats the best for now i suppose.

NEW OLD

mom needed to pick up letters from bedok so i hitched a ride to the rambai to bring HP home. i said i'd do it so i did. though i have a funny feeling its just going to sit in the corner for a while till i get my room organised. haha. well done gloria. but its just a feeling.... hur.. we'll see.

it felt a little strange moving it home though. felt like i was moving out of the rambai. i picked up clothes, and unnecessary stuff and the computer. reminded me of when joanne picked up her things when she left in march. i wonder what was going thru her head at that moment. i guess this cannot compare. but still, it still felt a little odd.

i hope i dont get fickled and regret bringing it back though. maybe once i get out of my semi-melochonic mood and get back my gogogoing mode like what the loo said, i might just start getting pissy about not having the comp back at the rambai, just like how i was the past couple of weeks not having the HP with me at home. sigh, gloria youre such a rut. you need a job or something to keep you occupied.

i popped a clarinaise and really prayed for the dripping to stop. it was making me feel all oozy. ive got a trip this weekend and i really cannot afford to be unwell though it is a staff trip. not really looking forward to it but it is my first LOB afterall. i should be alittle more hyped up about it than anything else. i dont know.

so jan pulled out last minute and i didnt have to go to the bar so i headed out for a quick drink with jw. i need a frequent dose of jw because our conversations revolve around the most random of things. and i really need that. i'm glad nothings changed and that i didnt feel indifferent about being around him even though the project aware issue really did cause me grief. thank God i get over things quick and fast. i dont have the energy to dwell and lament, i really dont.

we were having tauhuey and alex called. then i realised it was a wednesday and i promised i'll bring him to mambo. it wasnt a chore, really. but i really wasnt feeling great to begin with. we got to the bar and sat for a bit and headed off to mambo. the events that happened after were really not worth mentioning. mambo has become such a shithole. either that or i've really grown out of clubbing, or that friends are the only reason why you'd enjoy a night out at a club. the music was horrid, they played so many random songs. im sorry, but you guys totally killed it. the crowd, needless to say, was dead. it wasnt even packed. it was just awful. we had to steal drinks from the next table just to entertain ourselves. i really regretted going. sometimes i really wonder why i even bother trying so hard. alex doesnt even seem to appreciate the things i do. i should have just left it. i dont know. maybe im just being sensitive. but he's so, yeah whatever. so fine then, yeah whatever.

i dont think im gonna club for a long long while. unless an occasion calls for it. its almost dreadful, and least to say embarrassing. mambo was such a bad representation of singapore's 'nightlife'. or whatever thats left of it.

tmr shall be better i hope. i should really paint my room. haha.

HP's going home

i actually look flat in this picture. i didnt even know he took it. we were having durian at 430am in geylang. its funny how our body clocks are so warped.

so i spent the evening with alex. grabbed a beer at wala with kevin too. so that was good. refreshing, i needed it i guess. and then we sat at the bar waiting for robert to get off so we could go for some stingray at newton. i hate it sometimes when he gets into his pissy work mode. i know he doesnt mean it but it annoys the hell out of me. but its strange how i have an innate ability to deal with it. i can let it pass me by easily for some reason. like it doesnt eat into me. i guess there are some people in your life who can irritate you insanely just by sitting there doing absolutely nothing but there are people who can prod you, tease you, poke fun at you and it really doesnt matter. i'll never quite understand it so i'm not going to even bother.

i need to get my dad's book cover design out in about 2 hours and ive been sitting at the comp staring blankly for the past too long. i cant work with this piece of crap. i mean, it got my thru university and thats it. i think it has paid its dues and is ready to suspend for eternity soon. i think i should bring the HP back from the rambai. its not serving its purpose. yeah, ok. i've decided. i should do just that. time to get things together, bit by bit, piece by piece..

truckload of maybes

somebody has been saying again and again that i seem so frustrated lately. i think it takes a close enough friend to point that out rather than to assume the obvious; hiding behind the facade of being tired and exhausted and distant. it's a gloria thing to shield and purge every less important thing out of her life while she deals with this. sigh, i need a holiday.

everyone thinks that oh, she's living the life. gloria, i wanna be like you. diving/traveling every weekend. honestly folks, im tired. tioman this weekend was quite a dread. i didnt even quite want to mingle and even if i did, i swore it was pure adrenaline that was pushing me thru.

i dont know what i need. and maybe thats the frustrating bit. maybe i just need something new. i need to get away? perhaps. robert has been enticing me with the idea of running away to a vineyard for a couple of weeks just to revitalise. it does seem very inviting, it really does. oh mama, i need space to breathe.

christine has been back for over a week while doulos is dry docking and i havent even made the effort to meet up with her either. kky had a housewarming/birthday dinner at her new place and i didnt show up either. not that i could anyway since i was in tioman, but that was besides the point. i'm becoming reclusive and ive been retreating into my cave and it isnt good. maybe i need a job. maybe i need a new guy. haha. maybe i need something totally new to spur me on. maybe i just need to get back to church. i dont know... i really dont know.

i know i've been sacrificing friendships and have been causing alot of unnecessary grief and worry while i dwell in my lull period. give me time. i want to do something different. i'm like in a cocoon stage right now, so please, bear with the silence for a bit.

theres swimming tonight and im so gonna just go thru the motion. i need something more challenging than this. oh God, give me some direction. maybe i just need to earn some money. buckets full of it. or something to that extent. maybe i just need to rant. maybe i just need to do something entirely different or to be somewhere entirely different. maybe i need to get a new pet, or get rid of the birds. or maybe i just need some retail therapy. oh robert would make such a good shopping buddy. maybe i just need to have one night of good solid clubbing and get wasted and resume the old gloria lifestyle for a change. or maybe i just need to sit out with kevin or jay at wala for a good cold pint of beer. or maybe i just need to whine and then suck it up and deal with life. sigh, i need a job. i cant sit around and say im gonna do this or that anymore. im tired of taking initiative. i just feel like being told of what to do. for now, watch me complain about this once that ever happens. as much as id say money isnt everything, it does give a certain sense of gratification. and maybe thats what i need and lack of. urgh, someone get me out of this soon. please.

its freaking october!

so its october. like whoa calendar, slow down will ya. EARTH! stop spinning so quickly, you might just fall off your axis. hurhur.

i cant believe its october already. the last i remember, i was burning nights prepping up for Project Aware and now we're prepping for Halloween. i think it honestly was a good experience overall. alot of anger management issues though, haha.. but its almost funny. screw whoever else who tried to mangle, it takes a whole load to bring a gloria down. so nice try people, really, nice try. clap clap.

its just disappointing to think back and realise the amount of value people put in friendships, or should i say, the lack of it all. it's ok, really. go ahead, do whatever you want. dont make it personal.

so anyway, before this post gets a little too melodramatic and dreadful or vengeful...

weeks flew by. i wouldnt say nothing much has changed, cos in retrospect, alot has. even the way we do things right now, i dont feel much of the need to be at rambai lately. i think it all took a turn when i started running late nights at janices helping out at the bar, that and having a car to run around in. and the funny thing about me only being able to work at night, doesnt allow me to so being ard in rambai in the day really is rather counter productive. i need to get it back somehow. i need to find the drive..my goodness. it has to start like now now now.

because ive been home much more lately, ive been hanging out more with robert, my housemate. he's such a darl. he even does my laundry! woohoo! how i hate hanging wet laundry up. and he makes me nice hot tea in the morning. i love this whole living with more than just family thing. i think that was how rambai was such a draw, so being home now has a purpose too. and he's been wanting really bad to train me up to be his little sommelier. and he wants to learn chinese, so we trade. him with his french and spanish and me with the little mandarin that i know. come on, dont smirk, i can do the basics at least. haha.

its been fun! really! we talk about the most random of things. from religion to gay people, to monster birds and being stagnated here in singapore. we both agreed i need a janice to get moving. i dont know whether its an excuse or that is the truth that i need someone or a reason to get out and move. i remember the other day when joyce was dangling the DJ job in front of my face like a tasty piece of red meat. she made it seem like i was a starving malnutritioned wolf that hasnt eaten since may, since i left the park. and she kept screaming MEDIACORP, MEDIACORP! like its the best thing in this world. i was actually quite offended. dont take me being jobless as a bad thing because it isnt. to me, you're gonna work for the rest of your life, whats the hurry really. it isnt as if ive been bumming on my ass, vegetating infront of the tv for the past few months. its homework year for me. i'm doing my NCAP, i wanna get my instructor cert, i wanna pick up a language. and its all gonna contribute somehow to next year. its like being back in school, thats all. so if it wasnt for the fact that she was tipsy, i would have railed all out at her. and you really dont wanna see that happen. she might sit on me. haha.

now that stella's gone, peace has resumed back at the rambai. so its been good, for now at least. i dont know why, but ive been shutting this whole urge of lugging the HP desktop back home for some reason. somethings pulling me away from that place. i cant put my finger to it. maybe i need aircon to work, haha, who knows. maybe i need the cave like atmosphere that i have in my room to function. maybe i need less emo people to be around me because it drives me up the wall sometimes. the level of estrogen in the house is equavilent to an entire female population suffering from PMS. its dreadful. i need more men in the house. i need more cool level headed, non pissy creatures.

or maybe, i just need to learn to be satisfied. God, give me a clue. there's just so much to do!