glory and grace

as the pain fades away and the water starts to rise
in your glory and your grace will i stand and not cry
even as the tears that fall, gently at your feet
i know and will trust my soul you will keep

you know whats planned for me, and i will entrust my life in you
to see you standing there, afreshed and anew
i need your hand to hold as we run this race together
to seek a place to rest once it settles and tides over

it was never easy, right from the start
you told me then, and i could have left and depart
but i chose to cling on with a childlike faith i'd stand
in the knowledge that someday it will be ok, some things may change, but it will go as planned

ill no longer weep, nor stress, nor let my heart grow colder
for the mucus and slime, i shall wipe on your shoulder
to suck it up and deal with it, i've always proudly proclaimed
i will do just that, my soul's in-check, i will never stand ashamed.

only sharpies have the answer

so we spent monday night busy drilling holes into the wall. i got up gleefully with a pencil in hand and for once in my life, was i given the liberty to draw all over the wall. well, draw lines to be exact. trust me, i had every intention to go beyond that, stella can testify. eugene almost shoved the soap down my throat just so id stop. but hey, check this out. drawing on walls aint really a bad thing. with $10 worth of sharpies and magic markers, look what this guy churned out. i'd wanna draw my room now too!

to lose it all

i think i suck. i'm quite a lousy friend sometimes, i dont understand why people bother with gloria anymore. no one calls/smses except random Zirca or Mac Delivery. my life is at a standstill while everything around me continues its everyday life. its strange, its disturbing, somethings changed..

gracie mentioned about not being home because i've been avoiding bills and confrontation. my initial reaction is to draw the thousand bucks and throw it at her because it's easy, because i'm irritated. but in hindsight, thats a terrible thought to think. i'm a horrid person i've realised, i really am. sometimes my actions are laced with the most geniune of intentions, sometimes i do it mostly because i'm used to the motion of things. its a sad sad situation. i need more in my life, i honestly do.

i remember asking the rest whether i was uncompassionate to feel nothing for dawn's situation. to not have the empathy to deal with her sorrowful pityme eyes instead of getting annoyed. i dont know whats causing this, really. Christine's farewell shouldnt be making me feel like this. its not as if i meet her everyday, and i do know 2 years will fly me by. we talked about it. and we both agreed its the availability of having each other around, having a body to snuggle up to, having a hand to hold and a place to crash and runaway. imposing? you'd think? i think that's what best friends are for.

mom was ranting on about whether we keep eugenes aircon on at night. its a mothers thing i realised. then i said, hey, mother, just because you dont like it when we do, doesnt mean the entire world has to feel the same way. then she mentioned about us imposing and i said, maybe you've never had a close enough friend to know what the feeling of it is like. that as long as youre not family, i cannot be 101% comfortable and at ease with you. then she said, "but still cannot what! too close also cannot!" there, she's confirmed my theory, i'd say she's never had a close enough friend in her life. haha.

its a good thing pop enforced a lunch date with me. i had a good time catching up though the mother still urks the hell out of me at times. thank God for the dad. without which, life would be miserable. dont get me wrong, i do love the mother. just dont get along with her, thats all. i dont have to see eye to eye to love someone do i.

these random moods are getting to me. and i've realised it affects the people ard me and care for me most as well. for that i'm sorry, especially so since i've complained about the chain effects of mood swings. i myself am not advocating what i preach. its only human nature, i realise. we just have to live and let live. i need to realise that. i need to rid the narcisism and fill it with self-content. God make me humble, make me small and meek.

though i've said again and again about getting things back on track, i return back into a room filled with memories that i dont want to lose, but i know i have to move on. i dont know why this birdpark thing has taken such a great toll on me. its worse than a breakup i swear. the funny thing is, i havent touched a single box of things that i've brought home from the park. its still intact, and its piling up. its starting to annoy me but i cannot garner the strength nor the energy to trash things out. its like its taken root and have anchored itself so deeply, i dont wish to get rid of it. but no trashing means no moving on. get on with it you bugger head. suck it up and deal with it.

i think if i ever were to get married, and did suffer a divorce, my exhusbands things would still lie ard the way my birdpark boxes are. photos will still be up, clothes will still be hanging. such is life, id reckon. welcome to glorias world.

sigh,i need to get out of this melodramatic symphony of self pitying. help me Lord, help me.