overdose. overdrive.

its been a good week. leaving work at 5, having old friends to catch up with over dinner and drinks every day. strolling down the runway, watching the planes fly by. i went to church, and i stalked amy winehouse as i listened to her voice trail in the background. i read about the norway shootings, life truly is too fragile. do we not need to live our lives on a constant overdrive? an overdose of euphoria? to feel every ounce of emotion and not let it pass us by? its been a week of seeking. musical instrument hunting. i need an outlet of expression. maybe all i need is to write. to lament and whine about my current plight. i need a challenge. i'm finally not excited about work. i havent been excited about much of late. apart from my faraway fantasies of running my own show. of RAW, of project humpty dumpty. who knows, really. maybe i will garner enough investors merely because i am well loved.

i need something new in my life. a new love, a new strife...

Moving Words 2011

Transcendent through the years of labels upon eras,

The boomers, the generation Xs’, the social stigmas.

All dying to be a part of a group that functions

Interdependently, like buzzing bees in blooming gardens

But the Ys’ of our day and age ever so tolerant of change

Authoritarianism and traditions are destined to fade

Swarmed by the need to be who they chose to be

Liberal and all opposing, garnished with the constant desire to flee

To travel far and wide and consume what the world has to offer

Gone are the days where accountability and stability was the anchor

Through the years they’ve morphed from the genYs to the Is

Where the You’s used to come first, way before the I’s.

These days it seems, we’ve been sloshed with self centeredness and greed

It’s become an “I want to, I choose to”, the newly subscribed creed

Can we still strike a balance in this lop sided equation

And still shake a cocktail of self absorbed merry making with traditions?

Maybe the world will be a little more welcoming if there was more love.

To spend more on things that matter than the new kate spade purse.

Embrace the smallest of things and for once, let others come first

Then maybe there’ll be more reason to break this jaded curse.

farewells

For all the times I woke up late, my ass you had to shield

From lashes of our vicious boss who would crucify me atop the hill

For all the times I drove you crazy with my madness and cartwheels

You’d scream and glare with your giant eyes and visually stab and kill

For all the times i whined and bitched and lamented about the stupidity of people

You’d patiently listen and take it in and join in with my banter

For all the times I ganged up with Chris and mocked your chesty runway rumble

You’d retaliate with booby compliments instead of insulting my slitty eyes and bursting zipper

I don’t have to reiterate again and again about how I hate to see you go

You’re eventually going to suffer with my 200 decibel wailing and moans

No longer will I have a nagger to get things done,

Nor will I have a pratabuyertehCwanterbuddytraveller to do everything whacky and fun.

I will miss you, no doubt in this world, and my days here will be different

I might have to settle with jiawen and lorraine to bully and torment.

Don’t ever forget what we had the past year, and how much more it could have been.

But most importantly don’t ever forget that when the going gets tough and the insults get few,

You’ve got us to run back to and take you in.

the month of march changes

to me, march has never been a good time for me, ever. maybe i have unconsciously build a clockwork adapted to the financial year. the mad rush. that closure month. whatever it is, march sucks.

if i pulled my brains back to 5 years ago (thats as much as i can handle), march 2007 was nasty. i started biking. i went for a month full of lessons and the instructor was always a big time dickhead. it was always the half empty attitude and gloria you suck and girls shouldnt bike etc. i hated it. which explains why after trying for 3 years, i still dont have my license.

then in march 2008, the birdpark was merging with the zoo. your face would scrunch up way more than having clanging cymbals in your inner year. my bitch count of colleagues just quadrupled. my journey of adapting and learning the ropes to bitchhood started from there. tough month. i grew up. no wonder why i left for a company to kill the ones i was striving to conserve.

then came march 2009, i had to leave the company i grew to love so much. it ripped by heart out but it was starting to drain me dry. so i started diving religiously. i'd found myself a good bunch of friends. i dedicated a little to much to it. i remember joanne leaving that month after our first trip of the season out to dayang. i got addicted. i hung onto it like my life depended on it. i was willing to forgo almost anything. i pretty much did. i became a cynic. sadly after embracing it with all i had, diving no longer turns me on.

then march 2010 arrived. the jaded gloria and her cynism lived on. i grew weary. people called it depression. i called it restlessness. i had been jobless for a year. my brains were mouldy. i was deep down in the dumps of dumps. i grew fat. i piled on the weight like i needed it. my house became a frathouse. i moved back home. i started having housemates. i wrote my cv. i woke up. i turned away my dream jobs and settled for a company quite unconventional.

finally march 2011. housemates came and left, are leaving. i was working for a boss who wanted to shut the company down because i had a manager pulling the plug. i had long weeks or dreadful nights, torn between the love and hate. i was getting too pudgy. i no longer had a rugby team to rely on, no diving to tan for, no boyfriend to look good for. love handles started to manifest. i got dragged to yoga. hot yoga. hot classic bikram. and it killed me. im starting to reach my toes. i need to be here everyday. i'm sitting in the gym as i type. im hooked. im gonna be a tinier me. a fitter me. a better me.

right.

maybe, just maybe marches are there to whip me to shape. its my closing month. my month to allow new things to engulf me. overwhelm me. and more often than not, though i'd usually hate it as much as how some people hate the christmas festives, it serves as a kick in the ass to move on. it is my driving force to change. it is grueling, brutal and cruel and heartbreaking, it crushes my being and though i always dwell on things longer than i should. march changes all that. april comes as refreshing as new years do.

transitional march. you gotta march on.

i used to be awesome

everyone loved me.

i was the life of the party.

i could hear my name called out at every corner,

even from people whom i couldn't remember nor bother

i was the life of the party.

that was me, gloria, the girl who used to be so free.

i used to have way too many appointments.

and a longer list of people filled with disappointments.

i used to bail and sneak away from parties,

just to attend another, oh i should have cut back on the whiskies.

i had it all together,

damn, i could make everyone feel they mattered.

i wrote songs, cracked the wittiest jokes, i made people laugh.

i made the effort to make them feel important.

but through the years it wore me down.

this need to please everyone, has now turned into frowns.

nobody bothers to ask me out no more,

they've turned their backs and would say, oh gloria, shes not worth waiting for.

i would pile on five hundred dates in a night

just to make sure i didnt say no just to avoid a fight

yet i would obviously not make it for all,

more often than not, i would even forget to call.

i was a lousy friend with too many other priorities

i would unlock a thousand hearts, just with one key

then i would leave them raw and opened to rot

i should have done something, i know its my fault

i would do anything to turn back time

just to hear the words that everything would be fine

i wished i had made the calls back to people i've promised

i wished i've made the time to make up with hugs and a kiss

now i spend my weekends mostly alone,

attending pity dates and sympathy coffees on my imaginary throne.

is it a phase? a periodic downer? a dip? i dont know!

but i have to do something, before people start forgeting, before they start turning cold.

i'll make the calls and make the effort, i'll promise to be true

i'll make sure it happens and not let anyone wait for my days to be free, i wont let them be a fool.

for i used to be awesome, and i hope i will be again some time, some age, some day

but this time i'll promise to be better, and i'll make sure it stays that way.

i have no friends

these sort of days shouldnt even deserve a title. its one of those chuck under the sheets sort of days where you'd pray you'd never have to revisit.

i woke up bright and early today. i'd never dread work. and if i ever do, i'll be gone before those words could ever slip my lips. it's friday. i'm suppose to love friday. its the social norm to love fridays but the past couple of weekends have been lonely and uneventful so i pretty much resigned to the fact that this weekend will leave me with nothing to look forward to.

chris was all naggy and fickle and was behaving exactly the way i would on a bad morning. and its never a good thing when both of our foul-loids collide. its disastrous. i was pissed about duabi's assholeness and he was making a huge fuss about minute issues like the colour of our railings. argh. i cant handle this in the morning. i had a crazy long day of appointments to deal with already and with this, it drove me crazy.

but works work. and the madness does die down, and we'd all be lazing in our corners slurping cup noodles over a conversation of boobs and monotesticulites. i love my job. but i dread the weekends.

a tiny part in me was frantically looking for companionship this weekend. at least for tonight. i made at least 5 calls to people i havent seen in a long while and tried to meet up. its very ungloria to do so. gloria gets called out all the time, but lately, she's been losing her magic. nobody wants a gloria around anymore. its the craze of yesteryears and it was depressing.

everyone had better plans, more interesting people to meet, more important events to attend. ill just sulk in my corner and accept the fact that i no longer have friends to call upon when the day ends. i dont have my daily core group to depend on anymore. neither do i have a best friend or a boyfriend who's even physically close to me. i need love. and i need alot of it.

somebody please be my friend. :(

Generation I

It comes across a little clearer to me how things are the way it is right now. Why people cheat, why people choose they things they do, why i'd rather stay home alone on a saturday night watching mopey tv dramas as opposed to getting a sloshed ass and sleeping through sunday morning.

there are many things in life that requires you to choose. more often than not, unimportant decisions. everyday decisions, yet sometimes you'd have to make life changing ones. and believe it or not, 90% of those choices made are backed up by nothing more than a "because i want to".

Generation I, as a friend casually mentioned today, is made of up nothing more but me, myself and I. Though it seems deeper than it should be, thats it. Living our lives the way I want to. Making choices the way we make because I feel so. Choosing the things we choose because I can.

Gone are the days where you have to be accountable to somebody else. a friend, a lover, a spouse, a religion. Gone are the days where secrets were shared, feelings were opened, emotions were laid up raw because they could be. Everyone is more concerned about themselves rather than the guy next door. Worried about how much they'll lose out if they give this up.

I guess we have all unconsciously morphed away from Generation Y to Generation I. Where the You's used to come first, way before the I's.

Welcome to the new world kids, the generation I.

Maybe the world will be a little less selfish, if there was more love, Y's and pies.

Make a difference, we'd say, in this world of I's.

Then maybe there'll be more commitment, less heartache and no more lonely valentines.

the irony of late resolutions

2011.

right. so i had it all planned out. that i needed to write like i used to before this lack of writing job of mine drags me down to the pits of gaagaagoos. and i remember thinking to myself to have my fundamental resolutions just for the sake of it. one of it, being early, to not be late. i dont think my post this time is abiding strictly to that at all. hah.

1. i need God, find a cell

2. i need exercise, find a sport

3. i need a habitual change, be early

4. i need friends, lasso those around me

5. i need a new language

6. i need a new license..maybe 2

7. i need to travel, india!

8. i need more income

9. i need to try waxing

10. i need a promotion

Accidental Babies

Well I held you like a lover
Happy hands and your elbow in the appropriate place
And we ignored our others, happy plans
For that delicate look upon your face

Our bodies moved and hardened
Hurting parts of my garden
With no room for a pardon
In a place where no one knows what we have done

Do you come
Together ever with her?
And is she dark and twisted enough?
Enough to see your light?
And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is she bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does she drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?
What about me?

Well you held me like a lover
Sweaty hands
And my foot in the appropriate place
And we use cushions to cover
Happy glands
In the mild issue of our disgrace

Our minds pressed and guarded
While our flesh disregarded
The lack of space for the light-hearted
In the boom that beats our drum

Well I know sometimes you wanna die
And I know I am your reason, because you are mine.
But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave her for me
Before one of us has accidental babies
For we are in love
And we may forever be

what about me?

Great Barrier Reef

i finally bought a strobe. but i barely shot anything in the GBR! how retarded is that! :( i'm losing it, i am.....but the LOB was uber awesome. extremely strict about way too many things, but its good i guess. all dives were self-led. but their briefings were thorough enough to make you feel like you've been here before. i have to go back, or dive the yongala at the very least!

Scubapro II

superb dive briefings

every tea break had a different cake..oohh

meal time!

the fishes just under the boat were HUGEEEE...and so so so curious! haha!

coral rich reefs

i bet this came from mario

the view from my cabin at sunset.

stupid games that we play at night to keep ourselves entertained

look at the size of this clam!

theres a deco bar at 5ms for your safety stop. how cool!

spear guns at the dive shop!!!

back to land after party