Blog Moving....

TIme for a new look, a new space to write in...

My New Blog

a taste of what I'm up to...

Wanna hear an LOL....

I'm sitting in my sports bra on the couch, watching Friends with AIden sleeping (miraculously) by my side. In Asia, alone and single, spending nearly all my free time at a yoga studio...

and I'm on the computer looking at Tiffany engagement rings, ahahahahahah! P to the S, I really like the emerald cut :) i may just get one for myself...

i will write more...

I think I can I think I can I think I can...


I have so much inside of me needing to be written out but it's baby steps back to blogging. Every time I sit down to write I've got amillion other things on my mind. so I'm going to do list format for a while to get back on my feet. Excuse the typo's, i just got acrylic nails and it's like learning to function again. i think, again, i'm not the kinda woman who gets her nails did.. i like to get to down and dirty. these puppies are built for viewing not using.

My life rocks:

-tomorrow I'm getting paid to take a ferry to Indonesia and do a photo shoot on the beach as "mother of the family" I get to play mom and my friend from work is the dad and I get paid $500 bucks for it... wooo!!

- I tried dark chocolate flavored Jelly Belly's which were okay, green tea ones that were good and pomegranite ones that were AHMAZING

- yoga, yoga, yoga... i've been averaging 10 hours a week for the last three weeks. I have so much to write about that experience.. the space i've found within my own chest to breathe... the hot classes... how i'm quitting weightlifting for a while

- my dog is freaking adorable

- i have a silk routine and I have learned like 6 new drops!! and today I got one more trick on the trampoline. yes oh yes, I'm turning 28 this year but I am living the active life of an 18 year old

and lastly i really do miss my US friends and family which makes me realize how lucky i was and am. i can't wait to visit in April!!!

Excerpts...

I have been too busy and too distracted to sit down and write like I should. I've had revelations, amazing explosions of consciousness and crappy crappy bad dreams and ideas. And I know I should be documenting all this - writing and preserving for future study. But I'm too busy doing it. So instead I keep little snippets here and there on my itouch notepad and my journal (though, funny story, I bought a new journal, got a week or so in and watch it plummet into the toilet at the yoga studio. guess those "revelations" weren't meant to be remembered, tee hee!"

So here are some of my journaling excerpts:

I see every reason to believe upon waking in the morning that today is the day I could fall in love, get an amazing job offer, witness a miracle...

I see the universe like a full candy dish being tipped over and all I have to do is to cup my hands and receive whatever I fancy...

It's so nice to know cessation from heartbreak for I never have before. and I don't mean heartbreak because of a boy. I mean freedom from heartbreak I've known as long as I can remember. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but to me, I know. I can actually function not from rebound or need but from excitement about what I know could be - to me this is FREEDOM...

and I know that this is where my story begins. whatever I may have thought before was preliminary... this space, this freedom, is my beginning...

and in my world, in this version of it, all sentences seem to end in ellipses... :)

Dreams Redux, Redux, Redux

I dreamt of you again last night and it held that common thread of your leaving me and me feeling disappointed and missing you. I've never dreamt of a past lover so consistently before. You're haunting me. In every dream you have been laughing, violent, patronizing and I humiliated, devastated, betrayed.

But last night for the first time I dreamt of you and you didn't laugh at me, you didn't humiliated me. You still left me. You told me you couldn't and I didn't understand why. But you held me first, you tried to comfort me in your leaving. You did not break me down in front of everyone as you had before, you didn't sleep with, marry, choose other women in front of my face in this dream.

This dream was different. It was more sad because I knew you cared for me but not enough to stay and I knew I cared for you enough to follow you to the ends of the earth. So this dream, I believe, was the truest. and as much as I can get over you, apparently my sub-conscious cannot yet and I still ache for you in my dreams. and when I wake up I ask God why, why with how short our relationship was, why with how quick and easy you left me, why he brings you up into the forefront of my brain over and over and over again when I am trying to live without you and you have forgotten me. I am thousands of miles away. and still you're here with me. I have moved on from longer, more committed relationships in half this time. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? you've probably slept and dated your way through half the state by now and I can't stop having dreams about you....

Goodbye 2009... Hello 2010!

I just got home from Sentosa Island where we partied away the end of 2009 and ushered in 2010, missing the countdown as I danced to top 40s covers.. can't think of a more perfect start to the year. and yes it's nearly 6am and yes I had chicken nuggets tonight for the first time in a minimum of 13 years (to be honest life is foggy before then ) and I don't regret it. and to think I nearly didn't go out tonight!

I looked at the few pics we snapped during the evening and I thought, who's that hot brunette... that's the kind of tone I want in my... hey THAT'S ME!!! Wait, I'm the hot brunette? what the f have I been worrying about?!

So I came home and showered. And not only did I wash off the grime from the pool I jumped into (fully clothed, dancing) after midnight (oh yeah, there was a pool ON the beach). But I busted out a new loofa and my special occasion body wash, shaved my legs (again? oh well, it's all about the ritual) and washed my hair with the new orchid and coconut milk shampoo Jefferson got me for Christmas. I washed off all the chlorine, the disappointments from 2010, the lost loves, the perceived failures, the hard times, the disappointments, the worries and anxieties. I scrubbed at the heartbreak and, oh god, the injuries, the sadness, the freaking insecurities, and the endless questions about the future. The future is now. I'm hot, I smell like Cherry Blossoms and life is as I deem it. and to top it off I used the fluffy pink towel because gosh darn it I'm a GIRL! Thats not to say 2009 wasn't amazing and important. I visited 3 countries, witnessed my baby sisters wedding(!!!), paid my bills solely through performing, went to massage therapy schooled, made numerous friends... but I will say that 2009 held a special amount of heartache and stress and I'm not sorry to see it pass into my past.

Feeling clean and energized I came out of the shower took a few aspirin and am getting ready for bed. 2010. It's going to be good! And to start it off I'm going to the hospital because, oh yeah, I've been in bed the past two days with abdominal distension and cramping, curled up in the fetal position (except when I did P90X today) and at the urging of the TCM if it's not gone tomorrow I'm going in to get my "womb" scanned (her words, not mine). So ha, I still put on my party dress and danced tonight, even feeling like I'm 8 months preggo with twin aliens! I really have to be on my death bed to give up a party that promises dancing...