Closure to 2012

I didnt have a good 2012.
Sometimes I wonder is it because I had a good 2011 or is it because I will have a much better 2013?
To look forward, I will be optimistic that, my 2013 is going to be so good to compensate all that I have gone through in 2012.

Throughout the entire 2012, I realised that actually when we humans are not feeling that good, we tend to close ourselves up even more. Withdrawing from everything possible, happiness included. To the extent that sometimes we feel that we no longer deserve to be happy or rather we have the fear that that happiness will be taken away someday. That is really pessimistic. But well, when we are down and depressed, we are down and depressed and these thoughts will just float around and somehow its understandable that it will just get darker and darker if we are being left alone.

No matter how much I have gone through this year, at least I know there are people out there that I can always depend on. Good friends that are so hard to come by, a good brother whom I always hang out with and of course, the person who sacrificed the most for me has to be my boyfriend. Without Dan, I cant imagine how I will be able to pick myself up and to continue to move on.

I've learnt a lot about myself and also about life. As much as 2012 is not a year that I enjoy but I am glad that I've learnt valuable lessons and... 2013 is just going to be good and it will be.

Moody

Recently I really feel moody and I cannot exactly pin-point what went wrong.
I no longer have that kind of feeling of waking up each day feeling happy.
I don't think it's all because of my work although work issues escalates and definitely has its part to worsen the whole situation.

I still feel that somehow its due to emotional burden.
I've forever in that trap.

As much as I tried to look around to FEEL for people who cares, I always ended up feeling disappointed.
Most of the times I realised that when I am down, there isn't anyone around to even be of a quiet presence.
I feel disappointed.

At times when I feel down, I can't help but feel that people who are important to me, aren't aware of it and I can't help but feel that I am only a side-dish in people's life and therefore was and continue to be not of a concern.

I think, I need attention.

Yells out...

Hello? Anyone there?

My 2011

There are many memories for me to recount in the year 2011.

I am happy and contented.

There is nothing i could have asked more of.  

Definitely, the 2 Chua-s made up most of my 2011 special moments and i like it that way.

I look forward to a great 2012 ahead.

============================

An annual thing that i would do...

QUOTE from 2011 post.
As usual my new year resolution is ... TO BE A BETTER PERSON.
NOW: I think i am a better person as compared to 2010. I think age really DO matters. 

>FINANCIAL 2010: My expenditure gets higher and higher each month and i think this year i did not do a good job in clearing my bills on time.  For more than 1 occasion i dragged the payment.

2011: More prompt in settling my bills and i tried to settle it on time. My expenses are still quite high but i do keep a watch out and attempted to strike a balance. Thus i would say its a slight improvement.
2012: I will continue to track my monthly expenditures and i think i should start to put some eggs in other baskets.

>TEACHING COMPETENCY - SCIENCE

2010: I'd say i have a little success here because at least now i am familiar with the content and style and can teach p5 Science. Well, its just that i'm still not a Science wannabe, i'll prefer not to do Science...
2011: I think i've done my best with regard to 5E Science. There are improvements but i think i still have more to learn in terms of science content knowledge and be ready not only for P5 but P6 content as well. I still feel rather handicapped teaching Science.

2012: I will try to learn as much as possible through the teaching of a P6 lower end class. I will conquer the subject and i am confident. 

>HEALTH
2010:This is a BIG failure. I stopped all swimming sessions and i did not really watch my diet. 2011: At least i had regular means and that helps to cure my random cramps. However i fail to balance it with good diet and i am accumulating more fats this year =((

2012: I will start swimming again and try to maintain a healthy diet. Keyword, TRY.

>INTEREST-PHOTOGRAPHY

2010: Not much improvement in terms of skills but i'm able to share some thoughts and angles on photography. Didnt really go on many photography trips this year. Hmmmmm too busy?

2011: It got worst. I think i am getting rusty. My camera is totally under-utilised. No fireworks taking, no photography trips at all!!! Most importantly, i didnt use my 2 other lenses.

2012: Will start to snap more but i will keep photography strictly as an interest, not a ad-hoc service that i should provide the school with. I need to protect my own interest and not to kill it.

>INTEREST-TRAVELLING
2010: Did travel but dont find it enriching or satisfying.2011: Did travel but i dont find it enriching or satisfying either.

2012: Definitely will find time for travelling and hope to be an eye-opener.

>EMOTIONS

2010: I am still very emotional. Well, i guess its really part of me that is not easy to learn how to detach.2011: I am extremely emotional and i just cant detach myself from work and pupils. In fact, i gotten worse off than 2010 in terms of managing my own feelings and emotions.

2012: I want to be who i am, i want to stay true and warmth. At the same time, i really need to learn to detach myself and be partial.

RELATIONSHIPS
2010: I failed ... i failed to be there for all that i care for. I think i am there, more for a good teacher but not other areas... 2011: I am a good teacher but i failed to be a good friend, a good colleague and a good family member. I think my friends and family are very tolerant and understanding in that sense. I failed to keep a balance and maintain a reasonably healthy contact with friends.

2012: I will want to participate more in my friends' activities and events. I need to learn to spend time with everyone, not just work and pupils.

>MENTAL STATE2010: I am contented and i seldom grumble.2011: Happy and smooth year. I can handle the pressure well.

2012: I want to be stronger and not jump into conclusions. Learn to be as peaceful as possible.

>COMMUNITY

2010:  Big dream... and let it continue to be.

2011: Did not do any voluntary work or contribution back to the society/community.

2012: I will try to get contacts and do ad-hoc voluntary work.

Understanding.

Understanding when being used as an adjective,

It means...


Characterized by or having comprehension, good sense, or discernment.

Compassionate; sympathetic.
 
 
How i wish people around me are more understanding...
 
If only the people around me understands me,

When you use HEART instead of BRAIN.

Watched a movie yesterday and somewhat i was able to relate the story to reality. The differences between men and women and how these differences in thoughts led to miscommunications and how this type of miscommunications led to the loss of opportunities and or what we commonly known as 'timing'.

We were all young once. As in for me, at my age now and i looked back, there are several things that i have regrets over and it is not possible for one to say live without any regrets, live everyday to the fullest. Somehow some of these regrets are so impactful that once in a while when we spend time with ourselves, these images will start to float around in our minds. We can never forget the kind of painful feeling no matter how hard we tried and have tried to get rid of. My friend said that its simply because i couldnt let go and therefore i cant move on. I am moving on but how is it possible for someone to let go of something that was once so precious? I guessed thats the part that my friend couldnt feel for me. I had to let go because i have no other choice. I had move on because i have to. Doesnt mean that by moving on, we are able to drop all these. It could be hidden somewhere deep within. A scar is always there and will always be there. It will only fade off but it doesnt drop off.

Have you ever tried missing someone so much that it has affected your daily routine? Have you ever be so interested in someone's life when they has got nothing to do with you anymore? Someone who has become a stranger to you without having to even quarrel with. Someone who just left your life and left your sight just so naturally. Even when you happen to bump into that person one day, the kind of feeling is still so strong yet awkward. So awkward that it is only a mere exchange of acknowledgement just by a slight nodding. Sometimes we question why relationships, true relationships are so bitter and so hard to swallow and yet the memories it has left behind is still somewhat sweet. Even if you get to live your life again, you would probably choose the same route, even when there is no ending or perhaps you know that the ending would be a tragedy.

Somehow things were so much simplier before.
You dont question.
You dont expect.
You dont worry.
You dont ...
You dont ...
You dont ...

The complexity of human's mind,
The senitivity of human's heart,
The complication of the human's society.

Things are just so different now.

If only i can revert to the time whereby i use more of my HEART than my BRAIN.

Childhood Memories

Today while having lunch with my family, my mother mentioned something.
She said that on Mother's Day, our ex-neighbour, who had moved to Ang Mo Kio for around 8 years? came back to visit her. I've been staying here since the age of 13. This family was one of the 1st hand owners of that apartment opposite of mine. I vaguely remembered that they had a pair of twin sisters and a younger boy. The reason in which they moved was for the benefit of their children, being able to get into good schools. My mother said that we were of good terms and their children had been to our house, sat on my mum's bed and watched television. Frankly, i dont remember any of those. What appeared to be surprising to both my mother and i was the fact that one of the twin sisters came back, now aged 16, that day, with a flower for my mother. She said that she missed this place very much and preferred staying here. My brother did enlightened me a little. He asked me if i could remember my ex-neighbours. Those that i had prior to moving into Tampines. Of course i remembered Nani, our neigbour.I've helped her with homework before.(But well, most of the times we played rather than study), I remembered my mother would stand at the door talking to nani's mother. I remembered 13th floor Alvin(I still remembered that his school was St Hilda's).I remembered the 9th and 3rd floor boys whom i used to play with. Definitely, i remembered exactly how the place looked like and what games i used to play. Those were indeed deeply imprint in my memory although i may not remember how they look like and i doubt i can recognise anyone of them even if they stand in front of me now. I dont have any photographs of anyone of them but the memory was, sweet.

I thought to myself, the power of childhood memories are not to be underestimated.Like what Dan always say :" You may not remember how a person looks like or may have forgotten their names BUT, you will never forget how a person makes you FEEL." Probably in the them, the eyes of primary school kids, my mother was really nice to them.

Nowadays neighbours are no longer as close as before. I wonder what are some of the childhood memories that our kids have now? Computer games? Enrichment lessons? Perhaps all their memories are contained in the school they are attending. Schools are no longer a place whereby pupils go, study and return home, like how we used to be. Pupils of the present, spend longer time in schools.

Then it sets me thinking,
will any of my pupils remember who i am when they gets older?
Am i part of the sweet childhood memories that they'll hold dearly?

Treasure the time you have with your loved ones.
Create those great moments together with them.
Make them 'FEEL'.

How are you?

Wong, Dan and myself, we were just casually chatting about some of the common people that we know. We started to "analyse" these people. Some looked haggard, some looked tired, so on and so forth. So I asked Wong, what do you think of me? How do I look?

He replied, busy yet happy.

I'm rather satisfied with his answer because this is exactly how I feel.

When it comes to workload, i think its either i've gotten used to the amount of work i'm being tasked to do or, i really have a lighter workload this year. To me, up till now, though i am till busy, i can cope. And therefore i feel happier.

When it comes to marking, i'm glad to have the other 3 of them who constantly mugged and marked together with me at the airport. I'm much more efficient and effective and most importantly, not as demoralising because we're all on the same ship. And therefore i feel happier.

When it comes to personal time, i think Dan came into my life at the right timing, which gives me the extra motivation to move on. Small little surprises along the way and the breakfast sure help.Having him to accompany me in whatever i'm doing, makes the burden feels lighter. Life is indeed different with Dan around. Its good to have him around. And therefore i feel happier.

When it comes to class, i'd say that this year, some of the pupils are more motivated and they're able to auto-pilot. That makes my life easier. Explanation is also much easier. I need to give myself a good pat on the shoulder, i think i've build their foundation well. I feel good when i see them progressing steadily. And therefore i feel happier.

Indeed, i still have a few projs on hand but i'm indeed working happily.


And, i asked Wong, so how do i look like last year?
He said, angry, irritated and frustrated.(*ahems just like how Dan is this year :P )
I totally agree with him.

Perhaps i can conclude that once we've been through all those processes and experiences, it does make us more productive, confident and effective. Life as it is, always tough at the beginning.
Perseverance is indeed the key for brighter tomorrow.
What say you?

And...

How are you?

Cluttered

There are times whereby you feel so cluttered that nothing seems help you to free yourself.
These unhealthy clutters seemed to be there since ions ago and it has always been ignored and therefore it was allowed to be snowballed into a situation that you just cant seem to get out of.

A vicious cycle.

It just keeps on repeating itself, no matter how much you hated it.
A cycle is a cycle.

On certain good days, there would be someone who is there to share the burden.
On certain good days, there would be people there to give you good advice.
On certain good days, there would be a rainbow somewhere.

Yet good days are hard to come by...
Now its more of no matter what advice others have been giving,
regardless whom it came from.
It just seem so confusing and redundant.

What do i want?
I questioned myself.

And.. the worst is, i cant answer that.

So,
What do i want?

First-timer

Since young, i've been a scardey cat.
Therefore, i cannot be left alone.

I am afraid of darkness,
I am claustrophobic, afraid of enclosed areas,
I am afraid of heights,
and there are 1001 things i'm afraid of...

Because of that, i find all means not to get involved in anything relating to my fears.
No matter how much persuasion has been put in to push me.

Recently, i've really tried many things which i never knew i could.
Well, people do grow up.
Things that we do not dare to attempt, doesnt mean we will continue to hold fear in it forever.
I realised that there are things which i can do too.

I'm just like a kid,
Experiencing my life all over again.
Its never too late, to be a first-timer,
At least i've been there done that.

1st week of school

Actually... i do not know how to describe the kind of feeling i'm having.
Neither happy nor sad, yet its not neutral either.
I have a...
... i dont want to be in this level feeling.

and... i just dont feel like opening my mouth.

A good start

It was rather different this year,
to how i countdown to 2011.
I wasnt with my usual clique waiting to shoot fireworks,
 being in the midst of a crowd.
Yet,
I was still able to appreciate the beauty of the fireworks.

Was on the highway, car cruising.
Chatting, laughing and relaxing.
With great company and fantastic night scape of Singapore.
Not in a crowd but just 4 of us.

When time strikes 12am, the cars horn it loud,
I wanted so much to shout it loud.
We saw the fireworks and we hear it loud.
2011, start it loud.

We decided on 85,
local food we like it best.
Bak Chor Mee, Satays and Chicken Wings,
not to miss out the sugar cane.

With a big lolipop to start a year,
how sweet i think the year will be.

Closure to a fulfilling 2010

It is always good to do a little reflection of what we've gone through the entire year. Have we achieve what we have set out to achieve at the beginning of the year? Have we learn to strive towards our goals? How far are we away and how we should plan our following year?

To do that, i shall quote and look back.


QUOTE from 2010 post.
As usual my new year resolution is ... TO BE A BETTER PERSON.

NOW: I think i am a better person as compared to 2009.
>I think as i worked longer, my expenditure becomes higher. I need to watch out my finances carefully.
NOW: I did not manage to do that, my expenditure gets higher and higher each month and i think this year i did not do a good job in clearing my bills on time.  For more than 1 occasion i dragged the payment.

>I need to fall in love with Science because i will need to be a master in that area, esp P5 Science. I know, i can do it because i am stubborn.
NOW: I'd say i have a little success here because at least now i am familiar with the content and style and can teach p5 Science. Well, its just that i'm still not a Science wannabe, i'll prefer not to do Science...

>Health status. I've done well in 2009. After getting myself finally to watch my diet and to move my butt, i shall aim higher.
NOW: This is a BIG failure. I stopped all swimming sessions and i did not really watch my diet.

>Brush up my photography skills. I'm really falling in love with this hobby but taking good photographs requires some technical understanding, i shall strive to master something, at least so as to progress with something.
NOW: Not much improvement in terms of skills but i'm able to share some thoughts and angles on photography. Didnt really go on many photography trips this year. Hmmmmm too busy?

>Know new, interesting and enlightening friends. As people grew older, we make lesser friends. I want to break that.
NOW: Perhaps i did but they're new colleagues, not really someone outside my normal circle.
>Travel is a must and it has to be enriching.
NOW: Did travel but dont find it enriching or satisfying.

>Try not to be OVERLY emotional. Little things will easily affect me. This is no good. My heart is too soft towards young and old.
NOW: I am still very emotional. Well, i guess its really part of me that is not easy to learn how to detach.

>Be there. A good family member,a good friend, a good colleague and a good teacher.
NOW: I failed ... i failed to be there for all that i care for. I think i am there, more for a good teacher but not other areas...

>Always be contented and not to compare because we cant find total fairness, neither can we find 2 identical person, not even clones.
NOW: I am contented and i seldom grumble.

>Contribute to the community. Sounds big but every small things that we do, even if we dont see the immediate impact, it can serve the community well.
NOW: Big dream... and let it continue to be.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summary of my 2010
A fulfilling year and it all comes from work which is so ironic.
I learnt many things-
from building trust and relationships
to daily life lessons,
to being contented and satisfied,
to being able to love.

Love my work.
Love my colleagues,
Love my pupils.
To love is to give.

Give time,
Give space,
Give presence.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Looking forward to 2011.

To be a better person.

My focus for 2011 is clear.
I have only 1 aim in mind - PSLE.

2010 Christmas

This is a rainy Christmas.
I cannot remember if it was like that for the past few years.
Nonetheless, we're getting a cold cold Christmas, that is full of warmth.

This year, my Christmas eve was spent in a different way.
I wasnt with my usual clique.
I didnt spent a whole load of time sitting at one place, talking through the whole night long.
Yet, i've it spent in a real fulfilling manner, with all possible Christmas elements.

I went out with a welcoming bright hot sun.
I reached Sentosa in the afternoon.
There are many attractions that existed without me knowing.
I had fun.

The weather had been kind.
Raining only when we were doing indoor activities.
It turned cloudy as we wanted it to be.
Thrilling games, at least to me.
Exciting rides, up and down.
A musical night that can easily replace hearing Christmas carols.

What is more exciting having a bird's eye view of harbourfront area,
Having own owl's city song playing,
Exchanging Christmas present in the presence of the tallest Christmas tree in Singapore?

Having played the entire day,
A welcoming feast at breeks,
With no other disturbances,
Rushing their closing time for a BIG serving of dessert.

A wish of Merry Christmas under the bed of stars when clock strikes 12am,
Away from the hustle and bustle of city life.
A futuristic movie Tron, ends the day well, with the usual sweet and salty popcorns.

I enjoyed the way i had it.
Did you?

Give Thanks

I like the feeling when a year is coming to an end.
It’s definitely nostalgic, a bittersweet feeling when I look back into the year.

My job evolves around people, of all sorts – diverse personalities, all works of life, I’d say all ages too.
I get to know and interact with new people from time to time.
I build bonds although unintentionally there are times whereby I’ll break a bond or two.
Given a second choice, I’d still want to work in such environment.
I prefer to be with people and I thought that’s how I discover myself.
Through others, I begin to know more about who I really am, my purpose in life.

Fortunately for me, I realized that along the way, I’m bound to have someone whom I share special bond with.
Might not be the one who is nearest to perfection.
Might not be the one who stands out the most in a crowd.
Might not be the one who understands me the best.
There is no need an explanation for everything, especially when it has got to do with emotions.

There are many people who have made a difference in my life.
I’m grateful towards my life angels for being with me and to brave me through times when I’m lost and confused.
These two years have not really been smooth, emotionally.
Every single day seems to drain away a part of me.
There are many occasions whereby I question about my direction and purpose in life.
I wouldn’t have survived this year without all of you.
At the end of the day, I guess I feel good that at least I can still say that I’m happy, with a smile.
Thank you angels!



Today, I think something just caught onto me that I’ll mention two special pupils.

Yoko, shares a very close bond with me that somehow I think she knows how I feel most of the time.
So much so that sometimes I think she is the only one who understands me.
When I’m unhappy, I can feel that she’s around and always able to cheer me up.
When I’m happy, she’ll also be there to share my happiness.
She might not know anything but she’ll just listen.
She might not know everything but when I’m sad, she feels likewise. On the other hand, when I’m happy, she is too.
There are times I know she stood up for me and on many occasions she fought hard for and with me.
She’ll tend to hide all her negative side from me and I’ll always get angry when she avoids me in that way.
No matter what happens, I’ll want to be the one who is there as well. That’s all.
I’m concern as much as she’s concern too.
Definitely I’ll feel a little lost when she’s no longer with me next year.
Memory is something I hold dearly.
I’ll remember who she is and love her for who she is.

Weiling and I share a very different teacher-pupil relationship.
I treasure this unique relationship very much because I tried really hard to get things right.
I built it up slowly, step-by-step.
She is definitely the most defiant person I’ve came across, someone who is very strong headed and stubborn.
That explains why we didn’t start off well.
Probably to the extent that she hates me and just cant stand the sight of me.
I told myself that I need to be grateful because it takes love in order to be able to hate someone.
So much so that I questioned myself if I’m too harsh or setting too high an expectation.
That’s when I thought I failed.


Many times I have tried to send her away.
Since she cant learn well, there is no reason why she should be learning under me.
However, she didn’t want to take up the offer.
Perhaps she couldn’t bear to leave her classmates and friends.

Things started to change a little when we get to know how each of us work.
I began to see more things and I paid attention to this particular child.
No matter how hard she tries to hide her inner self, I know exactly who a person she is.
She is emotional and caring in her own ways.
She’s just not an expressive person but she’s definitely a sincere person who uses her heart more than her mind.
Through her, somehow I see myself, during my younger days.
I’ll remember who she is and will love her for who she is.

Thanks girls for the memory.
Take good care because we might not meet in the future.
It’s a long journey ahead and primary school will soon fade away
I may be nobody and would probably remain as one.
Yet at least I know, I’ve once came into your path and has put in my very best to help you.
And you,
You were once and continue to be special to me.

Moving On

Many times we prepare ourselves mentally that whatever changes that we are going to face, we will move on in a positive light. However, after knowing the truth, our reaction will just be totally different.
One colleague of mine has always wanted to follow her class up and strive together with them for their final lap but was not given a chance to. She teared and i know where she is coming from.

I've been requesting to go down to lower primary since i entered the school and when i didnt manage to get it i was disappointed and i continued to ask for it. Even now that i am so close to my 5C and i really love having them around,  i would still want to go down to lower primary because i know myself very well that i am someone who cannot really handle my emotions well. Why plunge deeper when you know at the end of the day, we'll all part? Perhaps keeping away is my way to cope.

Perhaps i really need to learn how to handle myself.

Now that knowing that my colleague didnt get to follow her class up, it starts me thinking. If i am the one who knows that i will not be able to be with my class, how would i feel?

Will i be as upset and disappointed?

I wonder...

Too Involved?

I used to lead a carefree life, blogging about the smallest thing that happened to me in the day. I can post up to 3 times a day.
A daily update was as easy as counting 1,2 and 3.

Being childlike yet happy.
Life was simple, then.
I wake up, look forward to school, I smile and laugh for no reason and I end my day well.
I miss those schooling days.

These days, its very different, even when i choose to blog.

I wouldnt be here if i'm in the right state of mind.
Sometimes i wonder, why can't things be simplier and myself to be happier.

I think its a struggle, to balance everything in life.

A month ago, i met a long-lost friend whom i'm really guilty for neglecting.
She said, i'm just too involved with my pupils and my work that i no longer make time.
The conclusion i gather was, she felt that i didnt make effort to make time for friends.

Few weeks ago, my friends asked me out but i just have too many work on hand that i brushed it away.
One of them said that it's forever very difficult to get me. It must be a miracle if i turned up.
The conclusion i gather was, they felt that i used work as an excuse.
Few days ago, my elder brother commented that i value my pupils more than my family.
I turned to my mum and she said :" No, she values her work more."
The conclusion i gather was, they felt that i see work as more important than family.

Two days ago, my colleague said that i'm too enmeshed with my pupils.
I should learn to detach myself so that i would not burn myself up.
The conclusion i gather was, she must have felt that i spent too much them with them, on them.

Yesterday, a friend of mine chatted with me over FB, she commented that i am super dedicated to my pupils.
She said she will separate personal life and probably work - to maintain a distance from pupils.
The conclusion i gather was, she felt that i've crossed the boundary of a teacher-pupil relationship.

Sometimes life is so diffcult.
Its so hard to please.

I dont deny, I do love my job.
Because I love my job, I want to do everything to the best of my ability.

Maybe they are all right.
I'm simply too stubborn.
I should lay a clear boundary.
I shouldnt get myself too involved.

Why cant i just make things right? For once?


I always ended up messing things up, that includes my own life.
I'm starting to think that i'm indeed dark and twisted.

My 5C.

I think i've not really blogged about this class although i've already spent bulk of my time with them this year. I spent the most time with them than any other people.

Its either this year is a hectic one or time really flies off so fast that i didnt realised that its nearing the end of the year.

I'm someone who is afraid to be too committed and i'm afraid to put in too much emotions so i tend to draw myself back from getting too attached. When it comes to 5C, its really love-hate relationship. They are really very irritating. YET, i dont seem to understand why i like them so much. They disappoint me time to time and drained all my energy away. YET, i dont seem to understand why i still want to spend even more time with them. In fact i think there are people who hates me as well. YET, i dont seem to understand why is it that i dont bear any grudges.

If we were to start to countdown, its another 6-7 weeks more till i say goodbye to them.
Frankly, i will be upset. Yet on the other hand, i wouldnt want to follow them up because i can feel that we're getting very close to one another.

Its not because i dont like them that i didnt want to see them through P6. Rather, i simply love them too much that i cant bear to see them up till P6. If i really do, the amount of emotions will kill me. 

Just let me be with lower primary.

A little lighter now

Everywhere we go, we're bound to meet up with the right people who can enlighten us. Many times we find ourselves being so congested that we cant even see ourselves clearly in the thick fog of events surrounding us. We need someone to be there to just give us a direction. Not to help us to think through things but help us to have different perspectives. When i was still in SHPS, I have Angelia which up till now i'm still very grateful having her during my contact times. When i was in NIE, i had Dr Koay who never fail to enlighten me. Now, I have Jeron.

She's indeed different. She is a really good listener and definitely able to provide good advice.

Although i have alot to digest after the conversation, i feel much lighter now.

Anger

I admit that i am short and hot tempered. Little things irritate me.
However over the years i've improved and tried to control my anger.

2 days ago, i was very angry.
I could feel that my cheeks were red and my temperature shot up.
It has been a long time since i felt that way.
The thing is, i still feel the anger up till this day.
I guess, i'm waiting for an apology.

I've always been wondering why i get so angry.
Sometimes i think that its because i've gotten too committed.
On certain days i think that its because i've too high an expectation.
Most of the time, i'll see it as accumulated domino effect.
These days i started to question myself, is it because i cant work with children?

I wonder,
whats wrong with me.

FBing VS Blogging

It has been quite sometime, since i posted anything here. I guess, i'm really addicted to Facebook.
I update and I upload through facebook.
Its more immediate and convenient.

Of course, having a blog and having a facebook account serves 2 different purposes.
I thought having a blog is more personal, more of when i have something in mind that i'd like to express but its not exactly appropriate to gain such a large audience. Especially so when its visible to my pupils.
Blogging makes me think a little deeper into searching myself or to understand the world better.

However, as one grows up, nothing surprises that much anymore.
Daily lives as it is, is reflected on FB.
Sometimes as one grows older, we tend to keep some of our emotions within ourselves.
We tend to be more superficial.

I think i'm someone who is emotionally rather unstable because i complicate.
Not only do i complicate, i avoid.
On top of avoidance, i couldnt let go.

Thats the reason why, this space has been vacant for quite sometime because my mind and my heart is congested and polluted.


Besides that....i think:

I no longer have the feel to grumble because after months, i know what i have to do, i have to do.
I no longer have the satisfied feel that i used to get, because most of the time, its just a one-time off encounter which doesnt last long in any ways.
I no longer have the feel to challenge life as it is because the truth is, my life is already as entangled as it is.
I no longer have the feel to think about ideals because those will only appear in my imagination.


To that, i wonder when will be the next time i step into this space.