My thoughts on this Mothers Day....

May 10, 2015
Well, every once in a while, I need to come back to my blog to write. There are some things in my head that I want to put out there.
Mothers Day. I've had so many of them. I am sure I am like every other mom, some times I like mothers day, sometimes I detest it. Sometimes I want to pretend I am not a mom at all. ;)
But this mothers day, I embrace it with all my heart.
This was my last mothers day as I know it. Every mothers day for 18 years has been pretty much the same. But next year, it will all be different.
Today my last child sang to me in my last mothers day sacrament primary sing. Next year, none of those cute kids will be mine.
Next year Celine will just be finishing up her first year of college, and who knows where else her life will be taking her.  How will Mothers Day ever be the same when my little birds are flying from my nest.
I will not even tell you how many times I have cried in the last week, because you all would think I was crazy. My heart feels pretty fragile right now, even though I know I am strong. And I can do hard things. And watching my family go in different directions, will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than running my half marathon last year. Harder than going 2 whole months without Diet Dr Pepper. Harder than being pregnant 3 times and giving birth 3 times. Those were easy compared to how hard it is going to be to drop Celine off at college this fall and drive away. And then knowing in a few years I'm going to have to do it again with tage, and then again with aliah.
I want my family to stay together always. But....I also want grandkids. So, I know I can't have it both ways.
I ended my Mothers Day with my family, watching each of my kids Baptism videos, which shows pictures of them from birth up till their baptism day. Yes, I guess I just like to torture myself. Aliah always asks me if I want to go back and have my kids be little again. The answer is always, yes and no. I want them then and I want them now. I will always be sad seeing how fast they grow up, but I love who they are now. It will always be bittersweet.
But, I have so much happiness that we have had a happy family life....among lots of yelling and fighting and slamming doors and running away...we have been happy. And on this Mothers Day, my heart feels very full of gratitude.

Hello World!

Hello blogging world! I took a very, very, very long break. I probably will take another one after this post. But I have thought about writing this for a long time. The day I wrote my last post, our lives took a pretty dramatic turn. The last 5 1/2 months have been hard, scary, but so much growth and testimony building opportunities, and I am a better person, my marriage is more amazing, my family is more humble and grateful, my husband is more my hero. 

For 17 1/2 years Kaleb has worked in the family business, and for a long time it has not been a healthy place for him. I have seen his sadness, waking up every morning and dreading the day. When the person you love most in this world is suffering, you suffer right along with them. And I watched him suffer, for a long time. I watched with a heartache I could not describe, and could do nothing about. I knew for a long time that he needed a big change in his life, but it was up to him to decide to do it.  The day he came home and told me he had quit his job, you think my first reaction would have been panic and fear. But, i was happy. I was happy for him.  I KNEW this was the right thing to do. And in that split second, I knew so many things. That it was going to be hard, that we were going to be tested, that there would be moments that I would have to choose to support him no matter what. But also, that eventually, we would be ok. And that kaleb would be happier, and our family would be better for it, and our marriage would grow because of it. 

Basically we were starting over. He took a job making not even enough money to cover our monthly living expenses, just to get some experience. He made a decision and started heading in that direction, doing all that he could to support our family, and still try to go in the direction he felt best. I am going to tell the truth, there have been moments when I have been so paralyzed by fear, that we were not going to be able to make it a few more days, how were we going to pay our bills, and live, and survive?? But because I have a Heavenly Father who loves me infinitely, in every one of those moments, when my heart would cry out in prayer to him to please help me not be afraid, to help us survive just a few more days, he answered those prayers every time. He has reassured me that even though it might be hard getting there, eventually we are going to be ok. My faith and my testimony have grown daily, as I have witnessed that even through hard times, we have been so blessed. We keep making it one more day. I have witnessed prayers being answered and hearts being softened. I have seen my husband, through the stress and worry, be happy with what he is doing. He works so hard for our family, harder than anyone I know. He does it all for us, because he loves us. Our 18 year anniversary is next week. After 18 years, I just want you all to know, that I still learn to love him more all the time. I am still amazed by him, he is my hero. And I am so proud of him, more than he probably could even realize.  I know that we are not to the end of this trial yet. We still have more to do, more to get through, more to survive. But I look at it and I know that I can do it, that we can do it. And our family will all be better for it. We have all learned to be more grateful. 

There was a time not so long ago in my life, where I truly did not want to be me anymore. I am happy to say that that is no longer the case. I am so grateful to be me, to have the life I have, with all its ups and downs, to have my family, my friends, my eternal partner and so many other wonderful people in my life. The greatest thing to me is to be able to look back through our trial, and see the blessings, and to know that we are being watched over.

I can hold my breath

I can bite my tongue

I can stay awake for days

If that's what you want

Be your number one

I can fake a smile

I can force a laugh

I can dance and play the part

If that's what you ask

Give you all I am

I can do it.

But I'm only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I'm only human

And I crash and I break down

His words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on

Be a good machine

I can hold the weight of worlds

If that's what you need 

Be your everything

I can do it 

I'll get through it

But I'm only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I'm only human

And I crash and I break down

His words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and I fall apart

Cause I'm only human

I'm only human

Just a little human

I can take so much

Til I've had enough

Cause I'm only human.

The things that keep me up at night...

You know those nights where your thoughts just don't stop? you think and think and think of every little thing? I had a night like that the other night. Usually I am a sound sleeper and I'm out the second my head hits my pillow. But this night, I was thinking and thinking.
This is what was keeping me up:
If celine were me, she would be getting married next week.
In 5 years tage will probably have his mission call.
Thinking about grand babies.
Thinking about planning celines wedding.
Aliah as a teenager.
Celine leaving for college, or whatever path her life takes.
Not having celine around every day.
Money.
My calling and my young woman.
Picturing tage asking a girl to prom.
Wondering what tage is going to look like when he is 16.
Kaleb.
Wondering if me and aliah will get along when she is a teenager.
What if she is harder?????

Yep......it was hours of this.
Hope it doesn't happen again for a while.

Hello

I really miss posting on my blog, but on the other hand, it just seems so overwhelming to do it. But I miss it. You may not know this about me, but I have a really hard time talking about how I feel to people. So, there were days when I needed to talk, so I would come to my blog and write. And I knew that even though I didn't know who was reading it, it was kind of like telling someone how I was feeling. I knew someone was reading it, so, in a way, I was sharing how I felt. The hardest part of opening up for me is trying to realize that people care about me. I have a hard time with that. I know people care in a general kind of way, but do they really want to know the nitty-gritty?? The other day, I had a bad day. And I really needed someone to talk to, to unload myself on and feel loved. And I started to panic, because I couldn't think of one person I could call that would care about what I was feeling. Now, I know thats not true, I know that I could call several people who would be more than willing to listen to whatever sob story I had going on that day. But on my worst days, I forget that. Luckily, Kaleb has to listen to me whether he wants to or not :) so I did end up having someone to talk too. I know Kaleb is always there to listen to me, but sometimes I need a girl. You all know what I am talking about. I had to stop using my blog as a way of talking about my feelings. I have to "woman" up, put my big girl panties on and actually talk to people I care about how I am feeling. I don't know why that is so hard for me, but I am trying.  No matter what I have going on in my life, when people ask how I am I always say: "fine, great." When sometimes life is anything but. I want to say, you know, I am having the worst day and I could really use a friend and just someone to talk too. That is definitely something I am working on. So, if any of you reading this feel like I do, and have a hard time talking about how you feel, call me, text me, email me, whatever. I am always willing to listen and give some love. And I know that most people feel that way. We all just have to learn how to trust each other. 

New

So, lets just not talk about this blog right now. I just can't. I can't get in the mood to post, or write or anything. So lets just not.

I'm here to talk about a NEW blog. :)

I started a blog reviewing the books I read.

check it out here if you are interested:

www.booksovershoes.blogspot.com

Its just my opinions and views on the books I read, just puttin my 2 cents out there for anyone else who loves to read or wants to find another book to read. It won't be amazing or awesome or anything like that, but I decided to do something about this obsessive passion of mine (reading). 

So check it out, and see what ya think. :)

Neglected

Oh, my poor, sad neglected blog. And its christmas time too, my favorite time of year, and I have not posted one christmas post.

Losing a week between thanksgiving and december 1rst really threw me off! Every day has been busy with wrapping and the little bit of shopping here and there. I don't feel stressed or overwhelmed, just busy and excited for christmas to come!!

I promise to do a full post on our wonderful, joyous christmas!!

Merry Christmas to all!