The Ergo Lives!

Today I opened FB to find these pictures, along with a note.  "Is this your Ergo the child is in?  It's one I brought."  It is (was) my Ergo.  Seeing it being used by this family was visceral and I just cried as I looked at the pictures over and over.  My kids were a little confused as to why I couldn't stop crying, so I had them all come and sit with me, Joel too, and explained the whole thing.  My kids had a hard time getting past why I would even give up my Ergo at all.  They all know how much I love it.

Then I made them watch a video of the refugees getting off the 'boats' and I think they were able to see things with a little more clarity.

These pictures were so unexpected and such a gift.

This world.  It's too hard.  It just seems like we can do better.

life is hard and weird (in 3 stories)

Sometimes life is really hard.  Sometimes weird.  Sometimes it's so beautiful that it's difficult to speak.  Sometimes it's just everything.

one
I got some really bad news today about someone I love.  (Not someone in the Gibson 6 circle.)  It's the kind of news you never ever want to hear about anyone.  It's the kind of news that makes you say, "No.  No no no no no." And then curse even though you're talking to your parent.  It just makes you close your eyes and hold really still and remember being 6 and in your grandma's living room with this person you love.  And you think that maybe if you really imagine that; the soft red couch and a the lucky charms in the mug, and the Saturday morning cartoons, then the rest of this is just a bad dream.  (It didn't work.)

two
Do you remember how much I loved my Ergo baby carrier?  I bought it when we went to Europe, just as C was turning 2.  That's actually a little old to start 'wearing' a child, but since Carter stayed in our arms extra long, it turned out to be perfect.  I loved carrying his warm weight around Italy and Germany and so did his daddy.  When we got home, I think the magic was gone and it was over.  I was so so so sad.  I thought I was done with babies and I was so not okay with that.  And I just kept it in the closet and told everyone how much I loved wearing Carter.  (I think I let Hannah use it for a bit because I love her too!)

When we adopted R, I was so so so happy to get to use the Ergo again. There is a picture of beaming happy mama Sarri in the guest house with baby R snuggled in the Ergo- reunited!  Oh I loved it so much as she slept and drooled on my back.  I was whole again.

When the magic wore off that time, I was more okay with it.  I'm okay with not having more babies now.  (AT CAPACITY!)  I did love my ergo though.  I wore baby Parker when I got to babysit him for a few months (because I love him too!)  And then I kept it in my closet just in case.

Well, this week I heard about a local mama going to (?) Greece (I think?) to help with the refugee crisis that I can't begin to really think about because I will come completely undone.  This local mama was looking for some soft carriers to help the Syrian mamas carry their babies around.  Today I dropped mine off with her.  It made me cry slash burst thinking of a sad, scared, desperate mama wearing the warm weight of her precious baby in a chaotic, uncertain, sad, scared, desperate situation.  Please God, let the love and warmth and security and everything in my heart stay with that silly (soft, sweet, special) carrier and comfort that mama.  Life is so hard!  Why can't we do more?

three
Maddy went to the beach this weekend for a Leadership Conference.  Last year when went (before she got sick), I about lost my mind having her at such a grown up thing for 3 nights without her mama.  She loved it and was so happy.

(When I was trying to refind this blog, I found a secret blog that I started in May, before diagnosis, when I was so so so scared.  Having a sick kid is really scary, Friends!  Those were some sad, dark words I wrote.)

When she was sick, in bed, for four months this past spring and summer, I thought about this conference and how she'd probably never be able to go again.  She's such a determined girl.  She went.  She did so good.  Life ebbs and flows and we lose and we gain.  Getting glimpses of her on twitter and instagram (and at the beach house when I stalked her and brought her food that was safe) was just the best thing for my nervous mama heart.  I picked her up and she talked and talked and told me every single thing and how she wants to work for inclusive change at her school and the world.  I love her so much.  She wants to live so so so big.  And it scares me but it's also so good.

All of these thoughts bouncing around my heart tonight.  Let's just err on the side of kindness, ok?  Anne Lamott says that we're all just walking each other home and I think that's what we should do.

That upside down vertical kid is my sick girl.  Some days she can't get out of bed.  Some days she can.

She is awesome every day though.