B/X Class: Farkin'Strayans

A shitstain people from the arse end of the world, born from convict scum and their corrupt guards, Farkin'Strayans have a unique attitude towards life: it can't get any worse. For them, the woeful genetic pool they crawled from means that no matter how life turns out for them, it's a success. This unique optimism, combined with the hardiness born from the horrors of the Land of Poison and Fire, makes for an unusually up-beat larrakin adventurer that is sure to delight.

All Farkin'Strayans have the following abilities:

Requirements: Must have an Intelligence so low it confers a negative penalty; during character creation, the player may exchange points in Intelligence and add them to Constitution on a one-for-one basis. The highest attribute must be Constitution.
Prime Requisite: CON
Hit Dice: 1d10
Alignment: Any non-Lawful
Attacks: As Fighter.
Saves: As Dwarves.

Starting Equipment: Roll Int # of d20s:
All Farkin'Strayans start with a wifebeater, stubbies, flipflops and budgie smugglers, plus roll a number of d20's equal to their Intelligence on this table:

1. Case o' stubbies.
2. Stubby cooler.
3. Terry towling hat.
4. Sunnies.
5. Carton o' wine.
6. Pack of smokes and a lighter.
7. Sleeveless flanny.
8. Eskie.
9. Cricket bat.
10. Footy.
11. A dog.
12. Wallet with d6 Lobsters in it.
13. TV guide.
14. Girlie mag.
15. Tranny radio.
16. 3 Longnecks.
17. Big knife (1d6 Dam).
18. Bucket bong.
19. Doms.
20. A ute.

• SPEAK STRAYAN: A debased and vulgar twist on the Mother Tongue, full of slang, shorthand and euphemism, the 'Strayan dialect is difficult for non-speakers to understand, allowing Strayans to have coded conversations with one-another in the presence of others. Attempts to understand what Strayans are saying requires a successful Int check, with penalty equal to the average level of the Strayans involved. All Strayans understand the Mother Tongue clearly though, and can choose speak it perfectly, but normally can't be arsed.

• SHE'LL BE RIGHT: All Strayans are morally opposed to hard work, effort, and thinking, a result of their criminal genetics and the bloody heat of their homeland. Instead they are naturally gifted at making shit up as they go along and trusting things will fall in their favour. For any situation where Strayans dive in head first without planning they are allowed to add a one-off She'll be Right bonus to a single roll (equal to the Strayan's Level plus the inverse of their Intelligence penalty) once per scene.

• TAKING THE PISS: Farkin'Strayans have an inbred hatred of Authority and Excellence, and will take any opportunity to ridicule and belittle authority figures and any who are better than them (which is a lot of people). Taking the Piss requires the Farkin'Strayan to publicly mock their target with inventive invectives and roll D20+level+Charisma bonus, versus the target roll of D20+level+Wisdom bonus (the DM is encouraged to add up to +5 to the roll for genuinely funny insults by the player). Should the Strayan succeed, they are able to add the target's level to one action the following round, and the target is so thrown by the insult they suffer minus the Strayan's level to all actions for the following round.

• GROG IN THE VEINS: The ability of Farkin'Strayans to consume alcohol is the stuff of legend, having been suckled on grog since the moment of birth (all mothers of Farkin'Strayans lactate alcohol until the child is weened). Alcohol has a powerful effect on all Farkin'Strayans, and they need to consume it every day if at all possible. Alcohol leaves the system at a rate of 1 drink per hour:

Sober - (Between zero and a # of drinks < Con currently in bloodstream)
A sober Strayan is an ugly Strayan: the sun is too bright, the world too complicated. Sober Strayans suffer -2 to all rolls due to the overwhelming confusion of reality.

Tipsy - (a # of drinks between Con and Conx2 currently in bloodstream)
The natural state of a Farkin'Strayan, and they are at their happiest and most convivial. Keeping them this way is the real trick.

Pissed - (a # of drinks between Conx2 and Conx3 currently in bloodstream)
Farkin'Strayans who achieve this level of drunkeness exhibit their drunken nature by losing all willpower. They are suggestible, guilble, and must roll under their Wisdom to resist committing crimes, defacing public property, defacating in humorous locations, and hitting on anything with two legs. A Farkin'Strayan who is Pissed is in their element though, and they double the bonus to any She'll Be Right roll they make while in this state.

Hammered - (a # of drinks between Conx3 and Conx4 currently in bloodstream)
Farkin'Strayans who achieve this level of drunkeness are transformed into belligerent arseholes who just love picking fights. A Hammered Strayan feels no pain, suffers no penalties due to injury, and can remaining on their feet til they reach minus Con HP, at which point they typically fall over and die.

Absolutely Shitfaced - (a # of drinks greater than Conx4 currently in bloodstream)
A Farkin'Strayan who achieves this level of drunkeness is guaranteed pass out within Con x minutes in a pool of their own vomit; the Farkin'Strayan must roll under Con or die choking on their spew. If they're lucky enough to have a mate watching over them they may reroll the check should they fail, and have another reroll if that mate's smart enough to get the Farkin'Strayan to hospital. If they survive, they must roll under their Int or forget all events of the past 1d4 days, restoring any sanity lost during that time and adding +10 to any carousing rolls that might have occurred during this delightful phase.

In the interest of gameplay it is suggested that players calculate the cost of reaching the various stages of drunkeness before the game starts: Half the Farkin'Strayan's Con score in silver pieces to go from one level of drunkeness to the next.

• FIVE STAR PRIDE: The five-star constellation that hovers high over the Strayan homeland is a source of mystic pride, and every Farkin'Strayan about to embark on a journey abroad has one tattooed somewhere on their body. This mark of pride is a very real power, and in desperate situations Farkin'Strayans can call on this power to save them from a world of trouble. To call on the Five Star Pride the Farkin'Strayan must make a d20 roll with the following modifiers:

- Is the Farkin'Strayan drunk or hung over? +3 per level of drunkeness achieved
- Is the Farkin'Strayan injured? +1 per point of damage from the worst injury
- Is the Farkin'Strayan behind bars? +5 to the roll
- Is the Farkin'Strayan riddled with some third-world disease? +5 to the roll
- Is the Farkin'Strayan bleeding from the arse? +5 to the roll
- Is the Farkin'Strayan crying like a princess? +5 to the roll

If the roll is equal to 20 or more, one of the stars in the tattoo activates, deporting the Farkin'Strayan out of whatever predicament they're stuck in. They leave all their possessions behind wherever they were, and wash ashore on the sandy beach nearest to their hometown in the Land of Poison and Flame with 1 Hit Point to their name and a shameful walk home.

This power can only be activated once per level, and once all five stars have be activated, the power of the tattoo fades away.

• I'M NOT RACIST BUT: Call a Farkin'Strayan a racist and they'll most likely punch you in the face, but it's true: Farkin'Strayans are racist. Their small minds are only able to handle basic thought processes, and unable to differentiate individuals within larger societal subsets. Therefore they assume that all members of a culture exhibit the same traits and perform the same – cause that's what Farkin'strayans do. They think this way not because they're malicious, but because the just can't imagine anything else. This boorish behaviour means that Farkin'Strayans apply their Intelligence penalty to all social rolls with non-Strayans. They especially hate the natives from the small islands to the east of their homeland, doubling all penalties when dealing with them.

• SECRET SHAME: There are rumours that Farkin'Strayans weren't the first people to come from the Land of Poison and Fire; that an older people once lived there. Any talk about the secret genocide that the forefathers of the Farkin'Strayans committed will unnerve even the most stalwart Farkin'Strayan, making them edgy and violent and prone to genocide. Farkin' Strayans suffer a -4 penalty to all non-violent actions during this uncomfortable time, desperate to get hammered, and will remain this way until they drink enough grog to acquire the Absolutely Shitfaced condition, allowing them to forget the entire incident and walk blissfully under the sun once again.

• LIKE SHIT TO A BLANKET: Every now and then, Farkin'Strayans receive a subtle hint of how unwelcome they are in the world, a suggestion that wherever they are they really ought to fuck off. It is this adversity, this subconscious hatred by the universe that encourages Farkin'Strayans to stick together with their own mob, and reinforce and encourage their mindset and behaviour. Farkin'Strayans take courage and comfort from one another, and they gain a bonus to all rolls in the presence of each other, up to their current level:

2+ Farkin'Strayans +1 to all rolls
5+ Farkin'Strayans +2 to all rolls
10+ Farkin'Strayans +3 to all rolls
50+ Farkin'Strayans +4 to all rolls
100+ Farkin'Strayans +5 to all rolls

Which is why the Strayan army is kickarse.

PORPHYRY: War of the Burn

"It's OK, I Got This"

Tik Tak

Porphyry: An end in sight

Random Table : Healing from the Squid God

When healed by a priest of the squid god the target must pass a Fortitude Save (DC 10+ the number of times healed), or roll d20 on the following table:

1. The wound splits open wide, vomiting out loop after loop of a massive and stinking black tentacle that whips around searching for the head of the injured. The pain of the wound ripping apart inflicts the same number of HP damage as the original injury being healed; Its size, strength, attack bonus, armor and hit points depend on the HP of the original injury (5' long per HP/ 15+1 Str per HP/ +1 to attack per HP/ AC 10+1 per HP/ 1HD per HP) and it has one purpose: grab the head of the injured and pull it back through the now-gaping hole that birthed it. Should the tentacle be destroyed before it succeeds, the wound seals up completely healed. But on its first successful attack the tentacle wraps around the head of the injured, and on its next action will retract the entire tentacle back through the wound (make an opposed Strength check between the injured character and the tentacle to remain in this earthly realm). Should the tentacle succeed, the injured target is pulled inside itself and the oroboros-like paradox causes space-time to shit itself ever so slightly: a squirt of nothingness spills from the instance, and a Sphere of Annihilation is born.

2. The wound heals miraculously, with no immediate side effects; but every time the targets wakes from sleep, they find their head undergoing a strange transformation. After the first sleep, the eyes seem ever so slightly bigger and wider, the pupils dilated and what appear to be a ring of wart-like growths form around the mouth; the following night the change is more noticeable as the eyes begin to drift away from the flattening nose and the target's teeth begin to fuse; the following night all hair falls from the target's body, and the growths around the mouth are as long as baby's fingers. And so the transformation continues, the skull reforming as the eyes drift round to where the ears were (they fall off after the fifth sleep); the teeth weld into a single beak, the tongue hardens to become radiata, until the transformation is complete after the tenth sleep: the target is now completely squid-headed, with massive black eyes, writhing tentacles and a hint of fish stink. The transformation can be slowed by foregoing sleep, with attendant penalties and hallucinations, but the squid god will sooner or later mark the target as blessed by its caress. Elves, and other species that view sleep as the province of the weak, undergo a far more brutal transformation: the wound heals instantly, but they are crippled by abdominal pain as their arse sprouts tentacles and a chitinous beak emerges. The new mouth hungers, and the digestive flow is reversed.

3. The wound heals miraculously, with no immediate side effects; but in the middle of the target's next sleep the wound ruptures open to reveal a vast black eye nestled in the target's flesh, staring outwards and clearly alert. What it sees it does not share with its host; covering the eye for more than ten sleeps causes a rash of boils to break out over the hosts skin. Lancing the boils, or letting them burst after several days, reveals that each contains another searching eye. The character may go about their business, but know that the squid god witnesses all they do.

4. The wound heals miraculously, but the target immediately begins to feel extreme nausea, and in moments is on their hands and knees vomiting up gouts of black ink for the next ten minutes. For the next ten days and nights, whenever they breathe out, a small plume of black ink pours from the mouth, and whenever they speak (even whisper) the ink cloud forms the words spoken. After the tenth sleep, a Fortitude save (DC 10+HP of original wound) banishes the effect.

5. The wound heals miraculously, but with strange blotchy patterns flow out under the skin like spilt ink. The blotches flash vividly, from neon blue to scintillating red to the color of the surrounding environment, cycling through the colors in a garish distracting pattern (-2 to attacks to all nearby companions, and +2 to be hit by enemies cause the vibrant display makes them an easy mark). Each day the target may make a Willpower check (DC 20-number of days since being afflicted) to gain control over their new skin spasmodic chromophores. Once successful, the target can now alter their skin color to gain +4 to stealth checks when striped down, or mimic the effects of a Hypnotic Pattern spell 1/day per 3 levels.

6. The wound heals miraculously, but the target is immediately wracked with incredible pain as each joint in their body is broken. A Fortitude Save (DC30) is required to remain conscious, but really the target wants to be out cold for what happens next. Over the next ten hours, each bone in the target's body is slowly expelled one at a time, either vomited or shat out, with only a single fused spine remaining. The quivering mess that remains is still alive, though the skin puckers and boils along the inside of each limb, and suckers emerge, as do siphons at the base of the neck. When the process is complete the target is able to pull itself along the ground at a slow 10' per round. Each limb is able to stretch twice as long as its former length, but they are excellent at grasping and holding on, granting a +4 to climb, grapple, disarm checks and any other appropriate circumstance. In the water however the target is able to move freely and at great speed (60' rnd), and able to dive to great depths. On land though the target is a pathetic puddle of flesh; Cha reduces to 3. Better get a bucket.

7. The open wound heals upon the touch of the squid priest, but does not close. Slashing and piercing wounds well up with blood black as night, and crushing injuries bruise, blacken, bubble and burst. A gout of ink sprays forth, covering the surrounding area in slippery liquid, for several rounds, til the torrent reduces to a steady stream and then peters out to a trickle. It is ink, and it continues to flow unless the wound is blocked by whatever means the characters devise, though blocking it will cause the inkflow to well up under the skin and seek out other openings in the target's body. The ink has a purpose, and wants to spill out into this realm; should the ink be gathered and used for writing or illustration that furthers the squid god's designs, the words will prove most persuasive and the shapes and forms alluring (effectively a +4 blessing to seduce or inspire). Also, should the wound be left unstoppered while asleep, the ink will spill out in esoteric forms that (with appropriate arcane knowledge) supposedly reveal the squid god's dreams and commune the squid god's desires.

8. The wound heals miraculously, with no immediate side effects; but the mark of the squid god is upon  the target. Ancient and implacable foes learn of the bearer of the mark, and seek the bearer out within malicious intentions. The bearer of the squid god's blessing draws the ire of cetaceans, and whenever the bearer is on or near the open sea, aggressive pods of whales and dolphins draw near, and given the opportunity, seek the bearer out to harm them. Should the bearer take to the high seas, the mark serves as a lure to the leviathan, an ancient dire-whale of immense proportions that will cross entire oceans to seek the bearer out (use the biggest whale/athanc/monster-of-the-deep you have handy with max HP).

9. The wound bubbles and bulges with blisters that rise burst with alarming speed, each revealing circular suckers that draw the wound close. Thereafter a patch of small but functional suckers remains, and any light-weight object can be placed upon the suckers and not fall away. How this can be used for the character's advantage depends on the location of the wound and the player's cunning.

10. The wound heals miraculously, but it is clear that the injured flesh and surrounding skin is no longer human. It takes on a pale rubbery appearance, speckled with chromophores, and needs to be bathed daily or it begins to take on the stench of rotting fish (-1 to -3 on social checks in the presence of the stinking character, depending on the size of the original wound). If after three days the flesh has not been bathed, rot sets in, and the dead flesh falls away leaving horrid sores and infections. During this process, the character receives a -2 to -6 penalty on social checks, again dependant on the size or the rotting flesh, and should the rot be in a promenant location they receive a permanent -1 to -3 to Charisma from the terrible scarring.

11. The wound heals miraculously, but leaves behind a hard surface of scar tissue. Over night, the scar tissue begins extruding a stubby and rubbery protrusion, complete with minuscule suckers along one side, that grows with each passing sleep. On the tenth night the tentacular growth is complete, 1 foot long for each HP of damage received in the original wound. It can retract somewhat, shortening to half its overall length, and the suckers are excellent at grappling and holding on to things (+4 to related rolls) but lack the fine motor skills for writing or gunplay. Hopefully the wound was not to the head. 

12. The wound heals miraculously, but immediately after a headache develops behind one of the target's eyes. Overnight the eyeball swells to gargantuan proportions and the skull alters to accomodate the change, leaving the target in crippling pain (-8 to all actions) during the transformation process. The following dawn the pain subsides, but the target now bears a massive eye the size and complexion of a colossal squid. The bulging monstrosity causes -3 to all social rolls, but grants nightvision to 120' (twice that far if the character already had nightvision). Time for some crazy shades. Or the world's biggest eyepatch.

13. The wound heals, but a mass of flailing tentacles erupt from the injury searching for purchase. A small squid emerges, with HP equal to the original injury, and unless there is water handy it flaps on the ground pathetically, losing 1 HP/round til it dies. Should the target take pity on it and place it in water (even a wineskin) it will survive for at least d3 days til it is submerged in salt water. Should it make it that far it will serve the target as a familiar. If the target already has a familiar, the squid will patiently wait for the first opportune moment to choke its rival and bite its face off.

14. The injury heals, but does not close; instead a mess of tentacles burst through the skin surrounding the wound, a chitinous beak emerges, and the injury grows deeper and deeper, the new mouth forming a small portal to the squid god's guts. Each tentacle has the following stats: 1' long per HP of original injury/ 15+1 Str per HP/ +1 to attack per HP/ AC 10+1 per HP/ 1HD per HP. The mouth is hungry, with a taste for the neural matter of sentient beings. Each brain it is fed grants a +1 bonus to one roll of the host's choice, that must be used before the following dawn; the host may accumulate as many +1's as their character level, but the bonuses gained from appeasing the squid god can only be spent on one roll. Failure to feed the squid god accumulates a -1 penalty to all rolls for each dawn that passes. Should the accumulated penalties grow greater than the host's charisma, the tentacles attack the host, attempting to pull them limb from limb and fed them to the mouth. cutting off all the tentacles is enough to sever the connection to the squid god's gullet, and the cavity that remains should be treated as a Bag of Holding of the smallest dimensions.

15. The wound heals miraculously with no apparent side effects; however when the target next sleeps they are plagued by a strange dream in which they are busy at work, when a storm bears down on them from out of nowhere. They flee but cannot help but be sucked up by the storm and hurled miles out to sea. As the dying dreamer sinks into the abyss, their last thought is a sudden awareness of a great leviathan rising up out of the void to devour them. They wake from this dream in dread, suffering a -1 penalty for all actions the following day. The dream returns the following sleep, more realstic this time, and the -1 penalty is cumulative, -2 after the second sleep and -3 after the third, and so on. As the dreams become more vivid the sleeper becomes aware that as they fall into the depths, the squid god watches in silence, tentacles beyond reach. And so it goes on, until the day after the tenth sleep, where the dream suddenly takes place in the waking world; as the character adventures on, the dreamstorm erupts into reality, sucking up the character and hurling them whatever distance through the sky to the sea. The impact with the waves breaks their neck, and they float down, down, down, to be devoured by the leviathan. The only way to avoid this fate is to call out to the squid god, either in dream or in the final occurrence, pledging a life of servitude to the lord of the tentacle, who will reach out and snare the character, rescuing them before they fall into the maw of the beast and returning them to shore fully restored. Should the character do so, the dreams will cease, though they must keep their pledge or suffer the doom they have dreamed.

16. The wound heals miraculously with no apparent side effects, but that night a rash of boils appears along the inside of each limb. Overnight they blossom and burst to reveal a multitude of sucker cups, running from the inside of the upper arm and down to the fingertips, and along the inside thigh and down to the tips of the toes. They are unsightly and strange, with a -2 to social rolls should they be revealed, but they are excellent at grasping and holding on, granting a +4 to climb, grapple, disarm checks and any other appropriate circumstance.

17. The wound heals miraculously, with no immediate side effects; however the touch of the squid god is upon them, and whenever the target is on or near the open sea, great schools of squid draw near, curious to see who bears the mark of their maker. Should the target treat these inquisitive creatures with care they will treat the target with respect and deference, and the target will find the gesturing language of the tentacle is revealed to them. The squid will understand all the target says in return.

18. The wound heals miraculously, with no obvious side effects. However the next time the target touches water directly connected to the sea (even a river that flows into the ocean a thousand miles away), they must make a Fortitude Save (DC 10+HP of original injury) or be permanently transformed into a watery simulacra of the character, with only their neural mass remaining intact inside the water form. But it is not alone. A small squid – an ambassador from the squid god no less – has been chosen to explore the surface world, using the character's form as the vehicular means to do so. With the emissary having a direct link to the squid god, it is able to seek the god's blessing on the character's behalf, granting them access to 1 first level cleric spell per three levels if they are not already a priest of the squid god; if they are a worshipper of the tentacle, their maximum number of spells by level increases by one. The character acts and behaves in the same manner as before, and is able to pursue their own goals; the squid god merely wishes to learn more of the landlubber life. They lose the need to eat, but must drink enough to replenish their volume in water every week. Treat the ambassador squid as a 5th level priest of the squid god, with a full compliment of spells at its own disposal, that if treated well will dispense divine aid to preserve its host and entourage; it will actively defend itself against any attempt to kill it, and can momentarily control the host's body in dire circumstances (requiring a Will Save by the host DC 15 to remain in control; failure place's the host's body under the command of the ambassador for 1d6 rnds, at which point the character can attempt to reassert mastery over their body). Should the ambassador be slain, the character's body returns to its flesh and blood form.

19. The wound heals miraculously, but the body of the target begins to harden and stiffen. After a sleepless night of cramps and convulsions, the target rises to find their inner workings transformed. Small siphons appear below the ear, enabling to the character to breathe underwater til they get bored of it. The character's body has also been repressurized to be able to withstand the crushing weight of water at the bottom of the ocean. The upside to this is the natural toughness of the character increases, granting a +3 AC bonus. The downside to this is high pressure bleeding: should the character be slashed open or pierced they gout blood like deep sea ninjas, losing 1 HP/rnd until the wound is staunched. The other downside is that there is a reason for this transformation: each dawn the character is in earshot of the sea and hears the sound of the sea upon the shore, they must make a Will Save (DC 10+ number of days spent near the ocean) or feel compelled to make the arduous journey across the sea floor and through the abyss to the sunken city of the squid god.

20. The wound heals without incident, but the target immediately becomes aware of a vast, uncaring presence lurking beyond the horizon, that is suddenly aware of them. Whenever the target draws near the sea, the presence feels close by, and should the target take to the waves, a vast dire-kraken will reveal its presence - usually by crushing what ever ship the target is on, and the surrounding fleet should one be handy. That is if the target fails to master the kraken and force the monstrosity to do the target's bidding. This battle of minds involves two things – direct eye contact while mastery is established, plus a single Willpower Save vs DC 25. Should the character succeed, they are able to command the dire kraken and set it on a course of destruction against any one target of the character's choosing. The  dire-kraken's target can be anything accessible from the sea – a person, a ship, a city, a landmark. Whatever the character desires destroyed.

Unless otherwise stated above, all wounds healed have the following conditions:

All slashing wounds healed by a squid priest leave a subtle patina of suckermark scars around the edge of the injury.
Crush damage that is healed by a squid priest leaves an angry patch of boils. Occasionally they swell and burst, spawning a solitary squid that will seek its way back to the sea (or tastes mighty fine on the barbie).
Piercing damage healed by a squid priest does not close up; instead it dribbles intermittent gouts of black ink; annoying at best.
Autopsies conducted on people healed by squid priests will reveal the presence of tentacular growths from the organs throughout the body. The more healing they have received, the greater the size and number of tentacles.
All these effects can be completely mitigated and reversed by taking an oath of obedience to the squid priest's deity.

So you wanna be an RPG artist...

(a friend asked. this is what i got to say.)

OK. Here goes.

0. I'm not sure how long you've been illustrating professionally for, all that stuff, so some of the stuff I'll say will be bleedin' obvious. forgive me.

1. know your stuff. know how print works, colour and black and white process, how to supply art for different media, image resolution, inkweight, know your software. obvious really, but if you want to be a pro, be professional.

2. being in the sticks means nothing these days. G+ especially has changed EVERYTHING. so use it. you now have direct access to ANY rpg producer who's on G+ and sees your work. publish your latest art piece at least once a week if not every three days so people are aware of who you are and what you do; if people like what they see they'll recommend you.

3. being on G+ has its negatives. anyone can see what you say, so don't be a dick. be excellent, be funny, be natural (people will see through any persona and it's a bitch to maintain), but avoid getting into controversial fights online. waste of time anyway.

4. answer all communications with employers and potential employers promptly and precisely and honestly. Say no if you can't do a job rather than take something on then fail to deliver. And if you're going to fail, let your employer know asap. They'll be understanding if you're upfront and honest.

5. look for opportunities to bolster your reputation. don't work for free, but if you do anyway, make sure it's worth your while. Santicore was a chance blessing that I was in a good opportunity to run with and it worked.

6. get it in writing, if you can; if you want to fly casual, be zen when things fall apart and not in your favour. use gmail chat to communicate real time discussions about stuff, you can go back and search them later (I've done this a few times when costs have been queried. it helps alot).

7. be good with money, or if you know you're shit find someone who is. the tax man will come, sooner or later. deal with it on your own terms.

8. there will always be better artists than you. In my circle of friends in RL I'm the drawing dude. but I'll go to conceptart.org and weep at how phenomenal they are and I'm not. So I figured if I can't be awesome, be unique. develop a signature style that's striking, is easily associated with you, and doesn't take forever to execute. if it's good, people will come to you looking for your style. if it's the same as everything else out there, they'll go for whoever's cheap and fast; cheap and fast is the least successful way for you to produce work you're proud of, and if you're not proud of your work, you shouldn't be wasting your time doing it. life is too short and brutal for such waste.

9. blog it. have a readily available gallery of your work. people will want to see it, and make sure it's interface isn't too fancy. it's your work they're here to see, not the website, and if you can't access it with one link from an iphone, it's not working.

10. work out a reasonable hourly rate in reverse. weekly budget reqd divided by number of billable hours, and don't forget tax and super and all that. don't drop that rate unless you're starving. assuming you've been to college, studied hard, and have been working for a few years, you should to be treated with the same respect as anyone else in any other profession. people will take you for a ride if you let them. if you're set on being a professional illustrator for the rest of your life, do it with the respect you deserve.

11. stop looking at the computer from time to time. get out and get some sunshine. it's only work.

that's all I got.

Sorry Folks, no Santicore PDF

Crappy news; I can't keep up my commitment to getting the Secret Santicore PDF document created in time for the holiday season. The combination of moving overseas, obligations to clients and family, and my old man dying on the weekend has unfortunately gotten the best of me and I can't see any realistic way I can get it done. So I have to let it go.

I want to thank Chris, Dallas, Erik, Mike and Trey for all their excellent wranglework so far, you guys have been awesome. Thanks also to the various creatives who were willing to stump up their time for layout, illustration and editing, it would have been champion. Lastly thank you to all the Santicorians for their efforts in creating their gifts. Rest assured that everyone involved will have their creations delivered to their lucky Secret Santicorian. If you want to make any changes to what you've created by all means do so, just let either myself or you wrangler know. 

It sucks, and I wish I could make it happen somehow, but no.

Sorry, Jez.

Art from The Magnificent Joop van Ooms

The Magnificent Joop van Ooms has been out for a little while now (with what I think is THE BEST RPG COVER ART OF THE YEAR by Jason Rainville) and I'm able to show some of the interior illustrations that James Raggi asked me to do. I figure it's also a good time to post a couple of the pieces that didn't make the cut.

Joop van Ooms, Giles de Rais, and Henry VIII.

Amsterdam Killers. 

The next few pieces cover stuff that was mentioned in the book; late in the production it was decided to drop the page count, so these ideas - some close to the mark, some a little off - were left unfinished. 

A statue from Joop van Ooms' collection. The steaming whatever from the eyes was a little too magical, and the space was gobbled up with copy following the page drop so it didn't get reworked.

Joop van Oom's working prototype of Da Vinci's helicopter. James wanted something alot smaller and flimsier; I liked the idea of the characters lifting off from some ravenous crowd of heretic burners.

A rougher sketch of Oom's golden cannons opening fire. With the drop in page count this wasn't needed anymore and wasn't developed further. I did envision the sky full of Da Vinci choppers. Woulda been silly but cool.

Porphyry : title page and more

Two more pieces for Kyrinn S. Eis' upcoming release.
Both big, time consuming illustrations, but totally worth it.

I sense something, something I've not felt since...

Illustration by Paul Shipper

....well, since 1981. Back when I was 7, in the golden era after Empire Strikes Back and before the release of Revenge Return of the Jedi, back when I was in the middle of an epic Star Wars maelstrom, of toys and cards and afternoons full of action figures, of lunchtime re-enactments of the Battle of Hoth, of coloring books and endless drawings and recording cassette tapes of me reading my Empire storybook, stealing bubblegum cards off other kids and losing my whole collection when my parents found out... and through it all, this awesome sense of anticipation, knowing that it was only three years to go till we found out what happened to Han, till we found out what Jabba the Hutt looked like, till we found out if Darth Vader really was who he said he was...

...and I guess it was something similar, if a little less heartfelt, to how things were in 1999, pre-Phantom Menace. The anticipation for the prequels, how awesome they might just be. Lucasfilm sure knows how to make a good trailer; the Menace previews only stoked that fire.

And we were totally burned.

Despite how disappointing Phantom Menace and its sequels were, there is still much to admire about them. The production design, the creatures, the costumes, the choreography of the duels and space battles (take a look at all the duels across the entire series, the Maul v Jinn and Kenobi sequence is second only to Luke's confrontation of Vader in ESB). Technologically the prequels were outstanding. Organically they were awful. You'd think the guy who preached to us in our youth about technology and the dark path would have listened to his own lesson, but it wasn't to be.

And then this Disney thing rocks on out of the blue, and the promise to return to Star Wars on the big screen... and there she is once again. That sense of anticipation.

Knowing how disappointing the prequels were, how can I justify the feeling? Easy. The revisionist touch of Lucas will be gone. His circle of yes men will (hopefully) be gone. Fresh blood will be spilled on clean slates. And while they're at it these are the things I hope they consider when going about creating the new series:

• Don't pander to the fans: dropping the Jabba the Hutt scene into the reissues of A New Hope was bad enough - apart from being poorly done, it destroyed the foreshadowing of Jabba's presence throughout ANH and Empire... but worse, dropping Boba Fett into that scene, and have him totally break the fourth wall with his knowing nod to the camera? Awful. Please don't do it. Every cutaway to some throwaway EU character is a waste of time and pace. Star Wars fans will flock to this no matter what ends up on the big screen; use that opportunity to show them something awesome, different, revolutionary... something that builds on what's gone before, without obsequiously kowtowing to it.

• Drop the creative incest:  I'm not talking the Luke and Leia smooch. I'm talking the inverted nature of the prequels bending over backwards in attempts to link them with the originals. Annie built 3P0? Urgh. Yoda and Chewie were BFFs? Groan. R2 had jet-engines? Why the hell didn't he use them in the originals? Each one of those heavy handed links and retcons destroys the plausibility of the setting and make the Star Wars universe feel smaller and smaller when really it should be gobsmackingly grand. Finding out about Luke's father was enough. We didn't need to know about Boba's family history as well (you'd think the lesson would have been learnt after they showed us Chewie's).

Bascially you have a whole frickin' galaxy of awesome to mess with. Please please please don't take us back to Tattooine again. 

• Give us mystery, not explanations: It's like a magician showing how he does it tricks. It kills the magic. We didn't need to know how the Force worked. And the clumsy way it was handled replaced mystery with confusion and disappointment. No more thanks.

• Less Jedi, more scum and villainy: And no cutsy shit like Ewoks or that double headed commentator from the Pod Race either (shudder). You showed us bodies burned to the bone in the original film. I was 4 when I saw that on the big screen. Seriously, I'm not scarred. We like bad guys.

• Give us complicated multifaceted characters, not cardboard cut outs: It really isn't that hard to do. Trust us, we can take it. We're not stupid and our kids aren't either. Han being badass and shooting Greedo before he even squeezed the trigger makes his evolution from cold hearted killer to good guy more powerful. Annakin in the Clone Wars series is waaaaay more interesting than in the prequels.

• Less whining, more banter.

• Get experienced nobodies to play the leads (especially if you're not going to give them much direction): Otherwise it's just the junkie from Trainspotting hamming it up alongside the girl from Leon and mister furious vengeance from Pulp Fiction. At least with Hayden we had no idea who he was, and, like Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford when we first saw them, they had no cinematic baggage along for the ride.

• Get seasoned hacks to anchor them in support roles: It worked with Sir Alec and Sir Christopher, and let's be honest, you frickin' owe it to Mark Hamill to resurrect his acting career after it was sacrificed on the altar of Skywalker (seen Slipstream? he was good in that). Obviously it's going to be about the Skywalkers anyway, so seeing Luke go all Unforgiven would be cool (and it's ok to pander to the fans on that one point).

• Less is more: There's a reason the actors from the prequels complained about excessive use of greenscreen. They hate it, and it shows on the big screen. But if you're going to insist on it, take the time to get it right (like Peter Jackson did).

• As much as you'd like to blow gazillions on the effects, blow it on the script instead: Seriously, get the best. I'd much rather an awesome story with great dialogue, plot, and characterizations instead of MOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR CGI. We know Lucasfilm has effects in the bag. Disney and Pixar have some amazing writers on tap. Pretty please, use them.

So yeah, I'll be there in 2015 with my then 7 year old and 5 year old boys, full of anticipation that this will be the start of something golden, and as long as Disney does these things, these new Star Wars films should totally rock. And honestly, what I've thrown up there isn't that hard to do, especially when you have the bank balance to back this up and the audience that Star Wars guarantees.

So please don't stuff up... otherwise you'll end up with things like this...