Monday, February 27, 2012
i really duno wat to say ='(
all i knw is..the arguement will just somehow become like its all my fault ='(
nvm...forget it..nth more to say.
since u've stopped caring, there's nth more to say already.
it hurts like crazy, but i've gt to deal with it
just cry myself to sleep all over again every night and face the harsh reality in the day and put up a strong front
ok..now i knw thats what u really think of me...a burden...ok..so now..no more complains and no more whinings from me. its just me and my wishful thinking that i will really see u every day this week. o wells. nvm. i shan't use this as a motivation to work or study anymore. you have ur worries and i have mine. u know mine, idk yours. so at the end of the day, everything is my fault. just blame me for all being unreasonable. end of story.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
why do i feel so shitty on a saturday morning?? is it cos of the multiple nightmares? haiz...idkk...i feel so torn apart...i guess this is the only outlet i can really write how i feel and all cos i dun want to always be complaining to my bf. i'll just end up being a burden.
haiz..sometimes i really wonder if i shldn't have chosen this path. i chose this path because i din wanna be a financial burden to my family. but now, the stress and pressure is really more than i can handle. im not that strong. i can't be strong anymore. i'm too tired.
i'm the kind of person tat will try my best in everything i do, but somehow, its just not good enough ='(
at work i try to be a good helpful to boss, to be a good junior to my senior, to be a good mentor and friend to the interns, to be a good colleugue and friend to my peers.
at home, i try to be good daughter, a good elder sister. In class, i try to be a good student, trying to study hard and pass exams. I also know i'm not a good enough gf, tats why i'm also trying my best to be a good gf, just for him, but seems like its not working
i'm so tired from being a good girl, wearing so many different masks for so many different situations. haizzz i think im snapping soon. all these is too much..really too much. so disappointed wtih myself. its only slightly more than half a year and i'm so weak and totally defeated alr ='( sick and tired of crying all the time, but it just keeps flowing, somehow...even when im sleeping...how nice...haizzz ='(
i guess, all these is not sth simply understood by others. have to go through audit life to understand..haizz
haiz..sometimes i really wonder if i shldn't have chosen this path. i chose this path because i din wanna be a financial burden to my family. but now, the stress and pressure is really more than i can handle. im not that strong. i can't be strong anymore. i'm too tired.
i'm the kind of person tat will try my best in everything i do, but somehow, its just not good enough ='(
at work i try to be a good helpful to boss, to be a good junior to my senior, to be a good mentor and friend to the interns, to be a good colleugue and friend to my peers.
at home, i try to be good daughter, a good elder sister. In class, i try to be a good student, trying to study hard and pass exams. I also know i'm not a good enough gf, tats why i'm also trying my best to be a good gf, just for him, but seems like its not working
i'm so tired from being a good girl, wearing so many different masks for so many different situations. haizzz i think im snapping soon. all these is too much..really too much. so disappointed wtih myself. its only slightly more than half a year and i'm so weak and totally defeated alr ='( sick and tired of crying all the time, but it just keeps flowing, somehow...even when im sleeping...how nice...haizzz ='(
i guess, all these is not sth simply understood by others. have to go through audit life to understand..haizz
Why do I always wake up to find myself crying?? Haizzz in fact...I felt like I din sleep at all...ok tats an understatement...cos it happens almost every other night...haizz o wells...what an emo start to the weekend...nvm...for most of the weekend...i'll be alone...so yea...not like anyone will really care cos everyone is juz too caught up with too many things in life...I'm juz an insignificant emo little kid...really sick n tired of all these shit ...I've reached a point where I'm starting to hate myself for being so weak...I shld really start being more independent n stop sticking to ppl all the time...maybe tat way...their actions or words won't hurt so much...o wellsss
Drained...feel like juz running away from all these shit...I guess u wont fully understand hw I feel...I'm so tired...wo kuai chuan bu guo qi lai le...really...haizz :( work 95% study 5%....where's my balanced life?? Sucks man...I'm hanging on real tight...but the weight On my shoulder juz gets heavier...idk hw long the string can last...maybe it's on the verge of snapping...o wells...no matter hw much I complain...I will still go to work with a smile n act happy..trying to cconvince myself I'm doing fine...n I will be fine...zzzz
Thursday, February 23, 2012
today, i was reminded once again that my social circle has shrunk to a pathetic state and our only mode of communication is via sms and msn. how sad. social life? whats that? i no longer know what it feels like to have a social life. i'm so tired of everything..putting up a front, being hardworking, being a good girl, trying to please ppl and myself, meeting expectations...haiz...i just wanna run away from all these...
i don't rmb life being so meaningless and depressing, but now, all i feel everyday is fatigue. too drained to feel anything else i guess. o wells...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Note to self: trust ur gut feeling n stop trying to get it confirmed cos of a small bubble of hope tat u might be wrong...cos more than likely...u'll be disappointed...
Friday, February 17, 2012
i'm sorry i've said so many horrible things last night..
i hope you'll forgive me.
i knw i'm not the perfect girl, but i'll try not to hurt u anymore because i love you too much...
I dun really knw wats on ur mind...haizz..all ur msges today din feel right...I really duno...is it really irreversible alr??haizz...I really hope the r/s won't end juz like tat...idk y but I've got a bad feeling..I'm afraid I'll lose u...haizz :'(
I dun really knw wats on ur mind...haizz..all ur msges today din feel right...I really duno...is it really irreversible alr??haizz...I really hope the r/s won't end juz like tat...idk y but I've got a bad feeling..I'm afraid I'll lose u...haizz :'(
Thursday, February 16, 2012
work sucks..life sucks..everything sucks..
what exactly is love? idk..i really don't. someone once said "a r/s is nt just about one person. its abt being tgt, doing things tgt and sharing each other's likes/desires, giving of ourselves to the other without needing to use the other person to fill our love tank" how true..
but idk...im really drained...i feel so empty now...so alone..idk..so much inside me that i wanna let out, so much i wanna tell u at that point of time...but since ur having so much fun and enjoying...o wells..i'll just keep it all to myself..
loving me is nt just about making me happy on valentine's day and then hurting me after that. if that is love, i rather not have it. Honestly, it hurts so much..that freaking reply...after such a long sucky day at work...i get that reply..who won't get pissed la seriously..why can't u just understand?!?
im a girl..i tend to be more sensitive...i knw i might be more sensitive than other girls...but i just dun get it, why can't u understand? idk ur friends..but u knw mine..in fact..u knw most of them..and they are wat? hibye friends, ex classmates, current collegues, guys and girls alike..but u? i realised idk any of ur friends..when u talk about them u seldom mention their name..when i tell u stuffs...i tell u everything...maybe im telling u too much..haiz..so obviously if ur hanging out with a bunch of girls, i would feel insecure...haiz nvm...dun think u will understnad..u'll just end up pushing all the blame to urself..nvm forget it..i'm too upset and hurt
really duno wats with u these days..u seem so different all of a sudden...haiz...duno wat to say...duno wat to do but to go one corner emo...maybe its cos im becoming too sticky tats why ur retreating..so maybe its time for me to draw a line..haiz :'(
so after a night of thinking, i've concluded:
1) i'm not a good gf
2) idk the difference between tired and not tired
3) i don't feel anything anymore
4) its all a routine
5) i feel empty
6) i'm indecisive
7) i'm insecure
8) i'm too reliant on too many ppl
9) maybe i'm no longer who i am
10) idk who i am anymore
i'm sorry, i've hurt you.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Note to self:
Stop being envious of ppl who have a social life...it'll only make life harder for u...even if tat person is ur bf...be happy that at least he can enjoy himself even though u can't...so stop being so sensitive about this whole thing...it's the path u chose so u freaking need to hang on and face the reality of ur decision...night classes...OT on weekday nights....work n study on weekends...face it man...it's been 7mth n u can't get used to it?? What's wrong with u?? Make ur own decisions...stop being so reliant on others...haizzz be stronger u idiot...how long are u going to be weak for??? Freaking get ur act together!! Arghhh
Stop being envious of ppl who have a social life...it'll only make life harder for u...even if tat person is ur bf...be happy that at least he can enjoy himself even though u can't...so stop being so sensitive about this whole thing...it's the path u chose so u freaking need to hang on and face the reality of ur decision...night classes...OT on weekday nights....work n study on weekends...face it man...it's been 7mth n u can't get used to it?? What's wrong with u?? Make ur own decisions...stop being so reliant on others...haizzz be stronger u idiot...how long are u going to be weak for??? Freaking get ur act together!! Arghhh
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
aww...i feel extremely loved today!! thanks alot sha gua!! <3
i'm like the luckiest girl!! hahaha such a sweet boy i have :D first Valentine's day wtih the boy i love! haha...although it was a short evening, i'm really really happy..words can't describe hw i feel...i just feel really blessed...thanks for everything my dear :D you're the best!! and really sorry, i promise...ur present will be belated..hahah =x sorry dear. bleahh
anyway..it was really sweet V day :D thanks alot dear dear :D <3
i'm like the luckiest girl!! hahaha such a sweet boy i have :D first Valentine's day wtih the boy i love! haha...although it was a short evening, i'm really really happy..words can't describe hw i feel...i just feel really blessed...thanks for everything my dear :D you're the best!! and really sorry, i promise...ur present will be belated..hahah =x sorry dear. bleahh
anyway..it was really sweet V day :D thanks alot dear dear :D <3
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I guess you're right...its time for me to slow down, take a look at my surroundings and be more observant. I need to be more aware and appreciative for what i have... i need to be more positive about everything...
i guess ur right...maybe its cos u feel so distant and far away now thats why im having weird thoughts so often. hmm..but why do u feel so distant lately? will you tell me why? bleah...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
It's been a long time since I saw the nativity peeps...mummy Clare...Lao ren...ben tan...etc etc...kinda brings back lots of nativity memories....i realized...it's been 4 years since I left...time really flies....
Recently I've been having lots of insecurities and weird thoughts...I really fear I'll lose someone impt...idk y I keep having these thoughts....maybe it's a reminder to treasure my loved ones...hope I won't lose anyone...scared...
Sha gua...sorry uh..I've been pretty emotionally weak lately...but thank u for always being here for me...I can't express how much u mean to me...I'll try my best to be stronger for u...i'll learn to love what I'm doing and nt be so stress about it...pls take care of urself too...I love u dear dear :)
Recently I've been having lots of insecurities and weird thoughts...I really fear I'll lose someone impt...idk y I keep having these thoughts....maybe it's a reminder to treasure my loved ones...hope I won't lose anyone...scared...
Sha gua...sorry uh..I've been pretty emotionally weak lately...but thank u for always being here for me...I can't express how much u mean to me...I'll try my best to be stronger for u...i'll learn to love what I'm doing and nt be so stress about it...pls take care of urself too...I love u dear dear :)
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
why am i so tired? arghh...barely got any work done today...zzz
i guess boss made me realise how much im lacking in work quality...haiz o wells..
i guess boss made me realise how much im lacking in work quality...haiz o wells..
Friday, February 03, 2012
Note to self:
Pls rmb tat nw u have no one to rely on...no one to be ur safety net!! Pls rmb tat no one will help u clear ur mess...so pls for goodness sake..get it right the first time n stop being so careless n dumb!! There's no one else for u to rely on alr so pls pls pls learn faster n do things right!! Arghh!! ;(
Pls rmb tat nw u have no one to rely on...no one to be ur safety net!! Pls rmb tat no one will help u clear ur mess...so pls for goodness sake..get it right the first time n stop being so careless n dumb!! There's no one else for u to rely on alr so pls pls pls learn faster n do things right!! Arghh!! ;(