2012

Last day of 2012, feels like any other normal day.
When I wake up tomorrow, it will be 2013 already.
But ever since university life started, the month of December seems to have lost some of it's significance. April is now the month I look forward to, as it signals the end of the academic year.

School's starting in a week. Kinda looking forward to it, it's gonna be another great semester I think, maybe even better than last semester. But at the same time, I dread getting pulled back into the rat race. I have never done well in academics before in all my life, therefore I had the pressure to maintain my grades. It was always trying not to fail too badly, never trying to be at the top of the ladder.

Looking back, 2012 hasn't been the best year thus far, but it definitely wasn't the worst.
There's of course things to be grateful for, but at the same time, I know that there are things that I wished I could have done otherwise.

I have gained some, but I have also lost some in 2012.
Whatever the case, what's done is done.
I'm leaving 2012 with some knots loose, some issues unsettled.
But maybe again, that's for the better.

Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

don't come back.

Why do you even come back?
Just stay in China and not come back forever.
Every visit only brings drama and stress to the family.

Every time you come back, the house is no longer my home.
I have to find reasons to go out, even when all I desperately want is to stay home.
You will never know how tiring and stressful the home is when you're around.

So please, just stay in China.
Your return does us no good at all.
We don't need you.
I don't need you.
I don't even like you.
I hate you.

I'm tolerating everything because of mummy.
Wait until she divorces you, or when she dies.
Because when that happens, you do not just lose your wife.
You'll lose me as well.
I will have nothing to do with you and your side of the family forever once that happens.


You do not deserve the love or attention a father should get, because you never was a father.
So do not expect me to do you any favors, because I owe you nothing.

I would walk through fire and travel to the ends of the earth for my friends and family. But not for you, for you aren't my family. Heck, you aren't even my friend. You're just a passerby in my life, someone who comes and goes once a month.

Words cannot describe the anger and hatred I am feeling now.

tired

As much as I enjoy spending time with friends, being with people saps my energy. Just so tiring to be around people.

question

someone asked me how I felt.
And I didn't have a reply to that question.

A Christmas Carol~

“I'll learn from the past, live for the present and hope for the future.”
“I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach”

- Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

A Christmas Carol

Christmas is never complete for me without watching a christmas carol.
It's really the perfect christmas movie, together with home alone as well.
Can there be a more heartwarming movie for christmas?

What would I see if the 3 spirits decide to visit me on christmas eve?

Letters to Juliet

Dear Claire, 

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like: love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for, but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I'd have the courage to seize it. And Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. 

All my love, Juliet

I love you, you love me.

I love you, you love me
We're a happy family 
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
Wont you say you love me too
I love you, you love me  
We are friends like friends should be
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you  
Won't you say you love me too
  
I don't think I've ever stopped enjoying Barney, even though I'm like 22 years old now.
Barney on Christmas day. =)

xmas eve

It's xmas eve again..
Okay, I'm not christian so I don't really celebrate christmas.
But I do like and believe in the spirit of christmas.
I believe Christmas is all about spending time with family and close friends, to be thankful for the blessings we had over the past year, and to be grateful for everything that we have today.

Sitting alone in front of my comp on this xmas eve, I can't help thinking of the xmas eve of yester years and how much I miss them.
Spending xmas eve having pizza hut with my mother, my brother, my auntie and my cousins, watching TV and just lazing on the couch.
Those were the best xmas eve's I ever had, and also the xmas eve's I missed the most.

Xmas eve this year, my brother is away in China, my cousins are all out with their friends. I too went out with my friends for dinner, leaving my mum and aunt to spend xmas eve alone at my house. I guess I kinda felt guilty, so I came home early to at least make sure I'm home for xmas eve.

Xmas eve is the only occasion in the year where I really feel the love of my family, maybe this is the magic of christmas. But it's the reason why I love christmas so much.

My all time favourite xmas song.
Merry Christmas everyone.

What To Do When You Fall In Love With Your Best Friend

I used to think that falling in love with your best friend was only something that happened on TV shows or in the movies. Does it really happen in real life? Do people really just wake up one day and realize that the person who has never given them boners is actually their soulmate?
Yes. Yes they do.
In gay relationships, it’s easy for the line between friend and lover to get all smudgy. Like, I’ve thought about sleeping with most of my gay male friends at some point and sometimes I actually do. But there’s a difference between wanting to see one of your friends naked and actually thinking that you could fall in love with them. What I’m talking about here are the friends you could fall in love with, the ones you see and just want to hug and kiss and lay in bed with, long after the orgasm fades. The ones that actually cause you pain because you can’t just run up to them and start making out.
Recently, my friend asked me for some advice. She thinks she’s falling in love with her best friend but is too afraid to act on it. The fear of being rejected and subsequently losing the friendship seems like too much of a price to pay for her feelings. She couldn’t fathom losing him as a friend. He means too much to her.
Here’s what I say to that: Screw it. Screw the friendship and just go for it. If you’re developing strong feelings for a friend, you’re probably in constant misery anyway. Think about it. Realistically, can you do this forever? Can you actually deal with this pain and this longing for an indefinite period of time? You can if you’re a glutton for punishment. Otherwise, the answer would be no. Face it, you like this person too much to just be their friend. It’s not fair to either of you if you’re not being honest.
I once said something along those same lines, years ago, when I found myself falling for my best friend. I told him that I liked him and he responded, “I think I like you too but I really don’t want to sacrifice the friendship.” I said back, “Look, I’ll be real. I can’t be your friend. I like you so much that being your friend feels like torture so I have to do this. I have to either try dating you and see if it works or not be your friend at all.”
It seems like a “way harsh, Tai” response, right? I’m being selfish. There’s no doubt about that. But here’s how I look at it: There are so few people you really connect with in this world. There are so few people with whom it really makes sense, so you can’t let your fear get in the way of going after someone you love. Don’t let your fear cockblock you from experiencing something that could be potentially great.
If your feelings aren’t reciprocated and the friendship falls apart, well, of course that’s devastating. But you need to understand that it would’ve been devastating either way. If you hadn’t said anything, it would’ve felt terrible. You probably wouldn’t have tried to date or look for anybody else. Why would you when you’re already spending all your time with someone you love? At least now you know and you can start to move on. You can push your life forward. You no longer have to be stagnant and wait for something that’s not going to come.
If I have feelings for someone who’s not interested in me or is already taken, I can’t really be around them. Again, I know this sounds selfish but the alternative feels worse. I was hanging out with this guy awhile ago and started to develop a huge crush on him. Oh my gosh, he was just so cute and funny and smart! Then, just as we were starting to get to know each other, he tells me that he has a boyfriend. I was soooo “high school” bummed out about it and I knew immediately that this meant I couldn’t pursue a friendship with this dude. I had a crush on him the second we met. I didn’t want to be his friend. I wanted to date him! Why would I want to settle for anything less? I had to cut it off for the sake of my own emotional well-being.
If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation of falling for a close friend, my advice is to always just tell them. Yes, you’re risking a lot but you owe it to yourself to take those risks. In order for anything good to happen in your life, you have to be the one to propel it forward. You have to take care of yourself and not worry so much about what other people will say or think. You know what happens to people who never took chances or were always frozen in fear? They become a cat lady with a Xanax prescription. AVOID THIS FATE BY GROWING A PAIR OF BALLS AND JUST TELLING YOUR BFF YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THEM!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-to-do-when-you-fall-in-love-with-your-best-friend/

i miss my brother

Okay I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes I kinda miss my brother now.
It's not like we talk much at all when he's at home, but I guess it just feels nice knowing that he's around at home.
Initially after he left, it was quite fun, having the house to myself.
But after awhile, it kinda got lonely, always having only me and my mum at the dinner table.
Then I decided to go out for zhi char with my mum today, and found out that it's actually quite hard to order for just 2 persons..

nothing

having nothing to do don't feel so great now.
I need something to occupy my mind..

A month

It's just been a month, and look at how much things have changed.
What will happen, another month from now?

Change can be scary, but at the same time, there's always that sense of excitement for what change may bring about.
 

Bored

Boredom can be your best friend, or your worst enemy.
I don't think I ever felt so lonely before, even though I'm among a group of people.
Can someone just talk to me please. I'm so lonely that it's not even funny.

It wouldn't be so bad if they would let me stay in the room and watch my shows, but here we are, in a group, trying to identify the different kind of corals we saw. It's soooo boring and I wanna sleep.

I think I am better off being a diver than a marine biologist or conservationist. Sorry, just not my cup of tea. I love the ocean, but not enough to want to devote myself to conserving it. I prefer to be a guest of the ocean, visiting and leaving soon after.
--
I'm afraid of the truth sometimes.
I thought I would be prepared for the worst case scenario, but maybe not.
The distance does not make it any easier.

Perception, perception, perception

Was walking along the beach today, when I remembered about the importance of perceptions.
The objective reality does not matter most of the time, only your perceptions do.

Most times, it is easier to tweak your perceptions and view the situation in a more positive light, compared to trying to physically improve the objective situation. But sometimes, even before that, I probably need to start paying attention to the positive things around me.

True, the company sucks so bad on this trip. But maybe I have only focused on the negative aspects of this trip thus far. Maybe I should start counting my blessings and be thankful for all the good things I had on this trip.

I should be grateful for the beautiful beach I get to walk on everyday, the amazing sunsets I get to see, the serenity underwater I get to experience and also the weightlessness below the surface that I so long for. I also should be grateful for the good tan I now have as well as the frizzled salt-water hair that actually looking quite nice.

The Time Keeper

"There's a reason God limits our days"
"Why?"
"To make each one precious"
 --

I'm almost half way through the project.
The work I'm doing here is meaningful.
Each time we go for a data collection dive, there's a purpose for it and I'm really glad that I'm contributing to research in whatever small ways I can.

But at the same time, everyday here feels like a chore.
Being underwater, I get to be alone, in my element.
But I only get to be underwater for 3 hours a day.
For the rest of the day, I have to spend it with my team mates.
To be honest, they are all nice people, but I just cannot connect with them.
I just feels out of place among them.
It's tiring putting on a facade day after day and I really can't wait to get back home.

Confused

I'm bad with Chinese =(
But I still managed to read it...although I have no clue as to the real meaning behind it.

I'm missing everything in Singapore already...

Me and my father

Watching glee, I'm always envious of the relationship between Kurt and his dad, and I always wondered if such father-son relationships do exist in real life.

I guess I always wanted such a relationship with my father as well, but life isnt always a bed of roses.
I don't ever think I would have the ideal father-son relationship with my dad.
But I will learn from my experiences, and they will only make me all the more determined to give my future children all the time and love that I never had.

I don't know if I'll ever be a good parent, but I'll definitely do better than my dad and I'll try my best to make my child happy.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for lashing out at you this morning.
I know you cried, the red puffy eyes gave it all away.
I know I shouldn't have been so fierce, but sometimes the constant nagging just gets on my nerves, especially so in the mornings.
Imagine having a quiet and tranquil morning, only to be disturbed by your constant talking once you awoke.
But ya, I still shouldn't have lashed out.

Good morning.

It's not going to be never-ending.
You're leaving soon.
I hope you have a good holiday.
Maybe by the time you come back, things will be clearer.
--

For just that moment yesterday, everything felt right.
Does it feel the same for you?
--

I like to think in the morning, for that's when I know that you're asleep.
--

Checked and double checked my equipments. Everything looks fine, well except for my regulator that hasn't been serviced. Decided to bring my knife to depth with me this trip. Bought it quite awhile ago, but never felt the urge to bring it underwater until now. I should be feeling secure. Why am I not.

A Diver's Prayer

Protect us on this dive;
And keep us safe and warm.
Keep the waters, clear and calm;
And Keep us all from harm.

Show us all the wonders;
as we go, into the sea.
Show us all the beauty;
You created, for us to see.

And if it’s time for me to go;
If I should meet with harm.
Welcome me into your home;
And hold me in your arms.

Last Words

After diving for 3 years, this is the first time where I am dreading a trip.
I keep having this sense of uneasiness, that something untoward will happen on this trip.
It's not a sense of foreboding, it's just...that weird feeling in my heart..maybe it's what we call intuition?

I keep asking myself why do I feel this way, but I really have no answer.
Maybe it's because of the hap-hazardous way this trip has been planned. Maybe because I'm going along with a whole bunch of novice divers. Maybe because I know that the responsibility will be on me if something really does happen on this trip.

If anything were to happen to me during this trip, please do consider these as my final words for everyone.

To my dear mother, please do not be sad for me. If it is of any comfort, please know that I probably died a painless death under the depths. Life is probably gonna be very hard for you without me, but I take comfort that you will have En with you. I'll miss you very much and I'm really thankful for all that you have sacrificed for me. If I am in heaven, just know that I'll be watching over you always.

To my brother, please take care of mummy. I know you would. But I guess everything would fall on you now. Promise me that she'll be taken good care of, stay safe. She cannot afford to lose you too.

To my friends, please do not remember me as the guy who died underwater. Please remember me for the joy I've shared to each and every one of you. Each and everyone of you made a difference in my life, and I hope that I have made a difference in yours.

Do not mourn for me, for I will probably be in a better place.

If it's not too much to ask, can I have a memorial underwater in Renggis please. Just beside the playground will do and please do visit me often.


I'm never a very spiritual person. But please, watch over me. Keep me safe.
I really hope that my intuition is just a nonsense feeling.

time to think..

Exams are finally over...this sem has been an absolute blast.
It went by in a flash and as cliche as it sounds, it really felt like the first week of lessons were just last month.

I've been feeling moody these days, over certain issues..but I guess I've been just trying to shelve them aside and focus on my exams.  Now that I'm done with them, I think it's about right that I confront all of them.

just so you know...

It's not that I couldn't handle it.
I just didn't want to think about it until my exams are over.
 

Good morning.

Been waking up very early these days, can't sleep.
So I just wake up and stare out into the windows, letting my mind wander.

It's a nice feeling.
Listening to the crickets, listening to the birds.
Watching the leaves rustle, feeling the morning breeze.

The serenity is comforting, so quiet, so peaceful, so calm.
It's almost kinda like I'm in my own little world.

confidence and over-confidence

There's a very thin line between having confidence and being over-confident.
While confidence will help me achieve my results, being over-confidence will make me careless.

I was over-confident during my mid-terms. In the end, I got my worst results ever in SMU.
Now it's time for finals. I need to remind myself to not be over-confident.
No more careless mistakes.

I need that A+ for finals and  I know it.
It has been a good run this semester. I shall not let stats become a liability.
It may not longer be an asset, but it will not become a liability.
 My GPA will not drop. I will not let it drop.
Not this semester at least.
And definitely not because of statistics.

I know I have the ability, I just need to temper my confidence levels.

oh the irony

I really think our brain is the greatest thing ever created.It's weird how on normal days, I can browse through facebook or blogs or websites, and never find something that really speaks out to me. But going through the same sites again on a crappy day, I'm really quite amazed at how apt and ironic some of the stuff I chance upon is..

A girl once asked,

How can you not be pissed at me when I've been so demanding?

And I told her, I didn't thought that she's been demanding because all she have asked thus far were mundane everyday hassles.
But I didn't get to tell her that it didn't seem demanding to me because I saw it as doing a favor for someone I care about. To be honest, there are not many people in my life whom I care about. So I told her, that if I can do something to brighten up the day for you, then I'll do it.

I know you made the best possible decision under the circumstances given to us, and I'm really glad that we came to a mutual understanding.
But I do not know if this understanding is the most beneficial one, or even if it's the one I need right now.
But I will go along, if you think this is what is best for us. Afterall, we are all just looking to be happy. =)



Will I look back in anger or disappointment 10 years later?
or will I look back with happiness and contentment 10 years down the road?
I guess I will never know until the time comes.

Friendships evolves, it never stays the same. I could be best friends with you this year, but a mere acquaintance the year after.  Looking back on past friendships, I do kinda regret that a lot of them have faded, even the very best ones. I do wish that all of my friendships could go back to the way it once was. I tried to pull them back, hoping to re-establish some semblance of the relationship it once was. Maybe I did not try hard enough, or maybe life just made us walk down different paths, but all my efforts seems futile. And so I gave up and finally accepted that we will probably never be getting back to the way it once was.  But I hope that no one will blame me for wanting to return to the past, and for my new relationships to never change


 FLY I'm so sorry. I really am. I still see you all as m y BFFs, I still do and I know that you'll all be there for me when I need you the most. But it just seems that we have nothing much in common to talk about these days. I know I became quieter when I meet up with you nowadays. But that's because I really do not know what to say. But I am contented with just spending time with you. I really am, because time is probably the only and the most precious commodity I could offer. =)

Claudy, thank you for being there every time. I'm really glad that our relationship has not faded over time and I'm really thankful that you came into my life. Words probably can't explain the gratitude I have for you, so I don't wanna try. But just know that I'm extremely extremely thankful. =)


 

Do good anyway =)

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway

Too Close For Comfort

I never meant the things I said
To make you cry
Can I say I'm sorry

It's hard to forget

And yes I regret
All these mistakes
I don't know why you're leaving Me
But I know you must have your reasons
There's tears in your eyes
I watch as you cry
But it's getting late

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I wanted in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

Remember when we scratched our names into the sand
And told me you loved me
But now that I find
That you've changed your mind
I'm lost for words
And everything I feel for you
I wrote down on one piece of paper
The one in your hand
You won't understand
How much it hurts to let you go

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I wanted in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

All this time you've been telling me lies
Hidden in bags that are under your eyes
And when I asked you I knew I was right

But if you turn your back on me now
When I need you most
But you chose to let me down

Won't you think about what you're about to do to me
And back down...

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I wanted in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
(Yeah yeah yeah)

What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
I guess I'll never know...

The day my parents got married

My parents got married today!
Wedding never did hold much significance for my before this.
Most weddings I attended thus far were for my relatives.
This is actually the first time where my friends are the one getting married and not just any friend, but they are the ones who doted on me like a son.

To be honest, I could really say this has been one of the happiest days I have ever had since I was born. It was a different kind of happiness. Something I have yet to experience before.
Looking at them go through the rites and ceremonies, I just felt satisfied, contented and very pleased. I don't think I have the perfect word to describe the feeling, it included feelings of warmth, feelings of joy and basically the feeling that everything is perfect today.

It was also my first time being part of the bride's entourage.
I'm really honored that I got to be part of the entourage and I'm proud to have been able to play a part, however small, in what is probably the most important day of your life.


 So Mom and Dad, I know you would probably never ever see this post, and I will SMS all these to you too. But I guess I'm blogging it here because I want to keep a record of this day somewhere, to remember this special day.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish the both of you eternal happiness and a blissful marriage forever and ever. May both of you live happily ever after as a family and create many more beautiful memories together.

Thank you for coming into my life.
Thank you for doting on me.
Thank you for treating me like a son.
Thank you for teaching me valuable life lessons.
Thank you for all your care and concern
Thank you for all the advice you have given me.

The sound of rain..

Been raining quite heavily this past weekend.
I love rainy weather, it is comforting to just hear the sound of raindrops falling from the skies.
Rainy weather also puts me into a thoughtful mood, a period of time for me to let my mind wander.

I've been feeling much happier the past few days. I guess I've finally managed to put it behind me.
I'll just let time take it's course and we'll see where we end up. For now, I harbor no expectations, none at all. I will be thankful for whatever small opportunities that come my way and I will not delve too much on stupid small incidents.

Competition

When jealousy blinds us, we need to find a way to ask ourselves:
Why are we chasing a girl for?

Are we doing it because we like her, or are we doing it because you do not want to lose out to somebody else.

We need to realise that dating is and never should be a competition.
What's the point of competition? She is not an object. She is not a trophy. She is just a girl, a human being with emotions.

Just go with the flow. Ask her out only when both of you think you're ready.
Why rush into it just because you're afraid she will be taken by someone else before you could ask her out. You'll know when the time is ripe. If she happens to be dating someone else already, then just back off and continue being her friend.

Even if she cannot be my girlfriend, I would want her as one of my best friends.
More importantly, I would want her to be happy.

It is rare to find someone who you would want to care for.
So I'll treasure them whenever I find them. =)

P.S. Remind me to not procrastinate next time. I was thoughtful this afternoon, but I kinda forgot almost everything by now...

Thought suppression

It's easier when you don't think about it.
But for how long.

Why can't I celebrate my birthday contented.

Please show me a sign for what to do.
Any sign.
Help me make a decision.

Deja Vu.

Fucking deja vu.

Why do I find myself in the same fucked up situation again.
What are the chances.

I've have not had a good sleep for the past 3 days.
The thoughts kept running in my mind.
Questioning myself, how important is this to me, but no definitive answer comes to mind.

I can't believe this is happening all over again.
But it's so much more complicated now.

What should I do?

If you truly love someone,

Then the only thing you want for them is to be happy, even if it's not with you.

Psychology of passion

A quick google gave me 2 quite thoughtful articles.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/201001/passion-and-positive-psychology

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201102/why-passion-is-gift

A long bus ride.

Had a long bus ride today.
I do love long bus rides.
Gives you time to appreciate everything around you, as well as time to just sit down and think about everything and anything.

I've thought about quite a lot of stuff on the ride, but none that I can vividly remember now that I am home.

One thought that kept recurring to me however, was my persistence on image.
I realized that I care ALOT about people's perception of me.
I always try to portray a certain image to certain group of people.

More importantly, I found that I actually dislike showing my true emotions alot.
I always knew I was an emotion introvert, but it was not until today, when I self-reflected, that I realize the extent of such introverted-ness.

I don't dare to express my true emotions, to the extent that I would sometimes lie about something just so I do not need to express my true emotions. I don't really like to show my emotions to others, even to my closest friends.

Even if things are not okay, I'll just smile and sweep things through.

Why? I'm not really sure myself.
But should I be changing it?
I'm not really sure. Even if I want to, I would think that it will be very hard to achieve change.

 Actually after writing all this, maybe all of this just boils down to courage.
I just don't have the guts to really say what I really feel for fear of being judged.

birthdays part 2

So I went to google: the significance of birthdays...


A birthday is a day for us to pay tribute to and honour the people dearly to us, even for the little things that he or she has done to make our lives even more worth living for. It could be simple acts like cracking jokes to cheer us up, or being a listening ear to us when we go through stormy weathers, but imagine how our lives would have been when these people never existed in this world to keep us laughing or lend their shoulders to cry on?

So let us look at birthdays in a different perspective, and whenever someone important to you celebrates his or her big day, do not just shower with presents or yummy goodies. Express your greatest appreciation for his or her existence in your life.

And do not only show it on birthdays! Show it on every other day as long as you have the chance to do so.

birthdays

Are birthdays overrated?

When I was a kid, I looked forward to my birthday, because it means I can get new toys to play with.

When I was in JC/NS, I kinda looked forward to my birthday because it meant that I get to meet up with friends and have a good meal/catch-up session.

When celebrating my 21st birthday, I thought it was a really important occasion because society kept emphasizing the importance of hitting 21 year of age.

Now that I'm turning 22, the significance of a birthday has diminished greatly.
It feels like it will just be another day now. No special significance. Actually, this applies to all birthdays too.

Why should someone be happy just because it is their birthday?
Why do we have to wish someone happy birthday?
How did the tradition of celebrating our birthdays come about?

Time

Time is important, time is precious.
In fact, I think time is the most precious resource I have to offer my friends and loved ones.

Similarly, I value and treasure the time my friends and loved ones give me.

Very often, when around close friends and family, I prefer not to speak too much and remain silent.
That's my true self I guess. I've always been an introvert at heart. But I've learnt enough, to be able to portray a different self, an extroverted self to others around me.

This extroverted self is my public self. The self I portray to friends and to the public.
People who sees my public self, sees me as the guy who makes jokes and says hi to everyone he meets.

But my private self has always been an introvert. I guess I've became quite adept at switching and maintaining my different aspects of self. I guess not many people know this, well except probably fanglin, yvonne and leo..(are you guys even still reading my blog? If anyone reads my blog, I guess it would be the 3 of you left.) But I'm a totally different person with my family and with my closest friends...I normally keep quiet and listen and mostly just like to enjoy being around them.

It's hard to be able to find people, where you can just sit down and find no need to talk, no urge to continue the conversation. To just be able to sit there in silence and enjoy the moment. But when I do find it, I tend to feel that these people will probably be my closest friends and family I will have.

Spending time with you, is the greatest gift I could offer. But many people just do not see the significance of time. 

Back to blogging!

Okay, seems like I'm posting more often on the blog again..not sure how long this will last, but whatever. We'll just follow the flow.


Was browsing through facebook and chance upon this over the weekend.

How to save your heart:

Should:
- Never expect
- Never demand
- Never assume

Know:
- Our limits
- Where to stand
- Our role

Don't:
- Get affected
- Get jealous
- Get paranoid

Just:
- Go with the flow
- and stay happy


I thought it was really meaningful. Especially the last 2 portions.
 Go with the flow, don't go out of the way to impress, but don't go out of the way to avoid either.
Just react naturally and let's see where that takes us.

 Next time I feel like crap, I will be thankful I've posted this here.

--

Anyway, had SWB mid terms today.
Hardest mid terms ever.
No one had a clue about the format, but we all kinda assumed it would have some MCQs and short-answer questions.
Little did I expect to only have 10 MCQs and the rest were short-answer questions.
First time I found myself having not enough time for a paper.
It's quite funny. We had 8 pages to click through, with each page I click , I was hoping for the MCQs to appear. But each time I click , more short-answers questions came out. Additionally, the marks went from 2 marks per question, to 6/8 marks per question.

Hahaha looking back, quite hilarious. Can hear everyone furiously typing on their keyboards for the whole 2 hours. Definitely a mid-term to remember.

Passion

What exactly is passion?
It's rare to find someone with a passion in what they are doing nowadays, I guess that's why it's so nice to see someone talking passionately about their interests.

People know if you are truly passionate about something. You cannot fake passion. People can feel it through you. It's just that feeling, I can't put a grasp on it, but I know someone with a passion when I see one.

Every time I meet someone like this, I will ask myself: Do I have such a passion for the things I do?

Asking myself the same question again now, I find myself at a bit of a loss.
I used to think I have a passion for diving.
But can I really consider that passion?

I still love to dive, but somehow I guess the passion for it kinda dwindled down after becoming an instructor. Diving isn't really fun when you've been entrusted the lives of 6 students, who may not be all that comfortable underwater.

It really isn't fun each time you find a student missing underwater.
It isn't fun when you lose your divemaster.
It isn't fun encountering students who cannot clear their skills underwater.
It isn't fun to account for gears and students when crossing the causeway.
It isn't fun to wash the gears at the end of the trip.



I guess passion burns out when you bring in work.
They just don't mix.

I've been diving for 4 years now.
If time takes it toil on the activity we love, should it not be considered passion?
Afterall, isn't passion something that would be burning regardless of time, and there are so many examples of that. People who love their activities so much that they are still engaging in it for 10/20 years.

Can I consider diving my passion then?
If not, what is.

For good or for bad, diving has been the center of my life for the past 3 years. But with school, I find myself getting further and further away from it. It's not that I no longer want to dive, but it's just that I find myself preoccupied with all the things going on in school. Maybe it's time for my to hang up my fins, move on and find something new.

But that's easier said than done.
I don't think I'm ready to give up diving yet.
I believe diving can still give me meaning in life, something to look forward to.
But not when I'm in SMU. Not when I'm in school.


I kinda feel that I'm just going through the motions these days.
No meaning in life and it feels kinda pointless.
Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to anticipate.
I do love what I'm studying, but grades is not something that will give meaning to my life.

I do want to find meaning for my time in SMU. But what could that be?
I guess that's the million-dollar question.

 Note to self:
I wonder if there's psychology research done on feeling passion from someone else.

Jealousy.

Jealousy.
It's been awhile.
I kinda almost forgotten how it feels to experience it.

Mood spoiler for the whole day, contributed to the edginess I've had over today too..

Time flies..

Kinda stumbled upon my blog again.
I've had this blog for 6 years now.
Looking back at the posts I've made over the past 6 years, I was quite amused at the nonsense I could write last time.

This space has primarily been a medium for my rants, my shout out against the crappy stuff in life.
I guess it kinda worked, judging from the number of rants I accumulated over the past 6 years.

My last post was in January 2012, which isn't really far behind, but it sure felt like those stuff happened ages ago.

Alot of things happened after that, some good, some bad. But nothing too extreme...I guess university education has been quite kind to me so far.

But recently it seems lady luck hasn't been shining on me.
Let's see..lost elections AGAIN. Lost a scholarship chance. Problems in cove, not that I'm very active anymore..plus I've been dry for the longest time ever. Last dive = July. Can't wait to get back into the ocean...even tioman or aur sounds like a perfect getaway now.

After all this, would I say I'm okay? Duh, of course not. It sucks losing. I don't like to lose. I don't think anyone else do. The feeling sucks. But I don't think I'm upset. More like disappointed. I could have done so much.

I guess it sucked even more when everyone expected me to win. I expected myself to win too..but somehow I just had the nagging feeling that I would not...hindsight bias? I guess I will never know.

But at the same time, I guess I'm grateful and touched by the many encouraging words people have given to me. I didn't expect such an outpouring of encouragement from anyone. It doesn't really mitigate the disappointment, but it's kind of comforting in a sense too.

Time as usual, became the best medicine. It's almost a week since I lost and I am kinda almost over it now. I still do periodically think of "what-if" situations, but counter-factual thinking does me no good...learnt that in social psyc. So no point keep going through the "what-ifs".

Now I'm halfway through semester 1 and mid terms are coming, along with it the pressure of maintaining my GPA. GPA is so sensitive in school, that people barely talk about it. The situation is even worse when you have a high GPA. I've never done well in academics ever, so this is a totally new experience. This is probably the only time ever where I've done well in school. But I guess I don't want to be seen as in a different league from everyone else, because I know I am not. I'm not a scholar, I'm not a genius. I would rather be treated like an average student and not someone with all the brains.

2011/2012

And so we enter 2012.
I haven been back here for awhile it seems.
But had this urge to reflect on 2011, but I didn't want to publicize it on facebook.
Guess that's why I'm back here.

2011 seems to have not been a very great year, but I'm sure it's not the worst among my 21 years of existence.

Now looking forward to 2012, here are some of my thoughts I wanna pen down.

Main goal of 2012 will be to focus on school.
I really hope to maintain my gpa.
Kinda having some jitters about my upcoming semester already.
The modules seems tougher, textbooks looks unfriendlier.
Furthermore I am kinda worried I took on more than I could handle.
4.5 mods, OCSP, Gourmet SubComm and Diving EXCO...

In any case, let it be known!
Priority for me should always be Academic > Non- Acad!

As such, I guess diving will be taking a back seat now.
Since I started school, I've been less and less involved with cove..
I know I'm doing the right things, Sch > Cove always.
But I guess I still feel kinda sad about it?

Not that it's gonna matter much for next sem, since the Aur/Tioman season will not be open that early.
I guess my involvement in cove would be very much limited during sch sems.
I hope that I could use my holidays then to be more active in cove.
Guess that's something I should bring up at the next cove meeting.

Diving has been occupying a major part of my life the past 2 years, I hope this would continue in 2012.
I've made alot of friends and learnt alot from them, but somehow after the last trip, I kinda felt disillusioned about diving.
Somehow the passion to dive is slowly fading away.
Maybe it's because I've been diving in murky waters for awhile and have forgotten the grandeur of the underwater world at it's best.
Maybe it's time for a change...crystal clear waters perhaps?
Suddenly I recalled renggis..the crystal clear visibility of renggis.

By joining the diving EXCO, I will kinda revolve myself around diving in 2012, but the experience diving with SMUX is totally different.
With cove, I dive to teach, which is kinda fulfilling at times, but with more responsibilities.
With my personal group of friends, I really feel at ease and enjoy myself the most.
With SMUX, it feels somewhere in between. Maybe it's because I am still not close with them yet, or maybe because it's my instructor profile that made me feel like I have some kind of responsibility towards them..but hopefully that would change in 2012.

Like I always say, diving for me, it's part living standards, part diving but for the majority of it, the people that makes or break a trip.

For the record, I like hanging out with people much older than me..it somehow feels natural now.
In fact, hanging out with school mates..I sometimes feel...out of place. HAHAHAHA

That's all I guess.
In summary,

SCH > Everything else in 2012. =)