this is a paper i wrote for a class last winter. i said that i would post it, especially for those that mentored me. i am sorry it took me so long.
Major Assessment
1. How did I become the person I am today?
Over all, I feel that there have been many people and multiple events that have impacted my development and have made me who I am today. A large consensus was made from my mentors, all having their commonalities. The most frequent were my immediate family, closest friends/girlfriends, and church leaders. The most common events included moving to Seattle, swimming, and mission. All of which I agree with tremendously and understand reasons for selection, but there are a few that most people don’t realize.
In my earlier stages, I was undoubtedly affected by my parent’s interactions. My sister as well had a great deal to do with my development, but probably not as drastically. From a young age, I know that my parents helped me establish trust in others. They nurtured me and definitely allowed for me to grow and try new things. I trusted my family more than anyone else, yet as I grew older I also learned to trust myself. “I was very independent at a young age, always trying new things,” my mom says. She suffered from a strained back due to carrying me so much when I was younger, so when I wanted to be more independent, she was more than encouraging. My father is a very independent man and never really aided in any tasks I took on. He just liked to talk about things after the fact, encouraging growth and always inquiring about what my plans were for the future. His famous words that still stick in my mind is: what are you going to do next? This has helped my take a lot of initiative in future tasks and lead me on to industry as defined by Erikson.
As I approached adolescence a lot more people came into my life that motivated me and encouraged all of the mentioned characteristics already developed. My identity was defined by what I did, and I did swimming. I focused so much on it that my life revolved around it and all influential people in my life came form that social scene. Coaches, friends, girlfriends, and my parents all focused on my swimming, as it was their life as well. Me defining my life by swimming defined my relationships. My relationship with my father has always been centered on swimming, as it is a focal point for all lessons I learned from adolescence to young adulthood. One of my mentors commented on how swimming has made me progress as an individual, making me stronger (mentally and physically), and always challenging myself to improve.
All of these people have had incredible influences on me, but I think I need to talk about the influence my environment has had on me. I have always been greatly aware of my surroundings. I feel I have molded my character and also defined myself by my surroundings. I grew up in a small suburb of Portland, Oregon. However, the greatest change was when I moved to Seattle with my family when I was 15. I can’t go into detail on every lesson that I learned during those first years, but it definitely changed my personality. I became much more outgoing as I needed to make new friends. I was more determined then ever before with my swimming. I was closer to my family then than ever before. The need for our family to work through challenges of a move created a need for interdependence that was never present in the past. It was at this time as well that I gained my testimony of the Church and decided to go on a mission. The experience shook me to the moral core and I had to decide for myself at that time what I was to stand for. My sister, who saw this more than anyone else commented on how my maturity greatly increased during this time. I became an adult at that time, she said.
It was about this time that my sister and I became close, her being 2 years older than me. We started to have intellectual conversations and began to relate on things of our childhood. I believe my intimacy in relationships started with her. Not physical of course, but intellectually and emotionally. I have become very personal to many other people since then and attribute it much to her. She has also been a constant in my life even though other relationships, like my parents and girlfriends, have been less established or constant.
My parents have been very esteemed though out my life. Yet, I do have to say that in the past two and a half years, I have come to a realization of difficulties and negative influences that I never noticed growing up. I can trace this awareness back to one incident when I came off my mission. My mother started to confide in me that there were many negative personality traits that my father’s family had instilled in us kids. She vocalized her struggle with such traits of my father and even discussed very personal encounters that she has had with him that has made her want to divorce him. She has not, but the idea that she wanted to was threatening to me enough. I started to see all the negative traits and decided then and there that I would be different. I saw other traits that my mother instilled in me that I did not like either. This created a great dilemma for me, as my stages of adolescence and young adulthood were almost completely destroyed. I have since started to build my identity from understanding my past through such a new window and have tried to create a new type of intimacy in my relationships with those around me. My earlier stages of trust, autonomy, initiative, and industry I feel are completely still intact. I feel that is because I fine-tuned those characteristics on my mission on my own terms, that they have been firmly been established.
My mission was a great opportunity to express a lot of my qualities that I had already acquired, like my work ethic. However, I did learn a great deal of how to interact with people a lot better. Before, I had seen the world in a very dualistic fashion like my father. Being in such close quarters with people form varying backgrounds helped me learn to appreciate others opinion and integrate it into my own mindset. I had one Korean companion that came form a whole different world than I did, and we butted heads like none other. I learned from that experience how ignorant and pompous I really was at that time. My mission humbled me and taught me to learn.
Because of my interactions on my mission, I have since surrounded myself with friends that are intelligent and well orated. I have learned from many of my current friends and relationships. I can’t say that they are perfect relationships, as I am not perfect in all of my other cognitive, emotional, and ethical development. However, I am constantly learning and developing my character.
2. What is my current opinion of myself?
In asking for input form mentors, this question has revealed some very surprising details to myself. I will address them individually according to Chickering’s vectors and then summarize my findings at the end.
Competence
I have always felt that if someone puts there mind to do something, they can accomplish it, and I am no exception. As I noted in the first question, my family, especially my father, has instilled in me a sense of initiative and industry. This has given me the mindset that I can accomplish anything, and my mentors all agreed. All gave me very esteeming remarks when asked how they felt my level of competency was. One person even said that I was the most competent person they have ever met. They have seen my mindset and what I have accomplished because of it. However, one of my mentors gave me a 3.5 out 5 ( my best friend to be exact). He said it was because sometimes I act competent in areas that I am really not. This is true. I do sometimes over estimate my abilities, but that is because I believe that I can accomplish whatever is put in front of me. I can find the material or knowledge to accomplish any task.
Managing emotions
Growing up, I was a very emotional person. My closest friend in grade school considered me a crybaby. Sometimes, Tyler would punch me in the stomach just to see me cry. My father said I sometimes let my emotions rule me. I think this is because he has seen and understands the process that I have taken to internalize a lot of my emotions. Today, I have a hard time remembering the last time I cried. I don’t remember the last time I have lost control of my emotions. I feel that I can control them, in the sense that I convey them in a healthy manner. 3 mentors also brought up this concept of conveying them in a healthy manner, one saying that I have adapted a sort of Taoist perspective on the manner. One even said that if anything, I am too happy. I don’t believe I am too happy, I just don’t convey doubt, fear, and disappointment in the same ways as most. My ex-girlfriend, who knows my emotions more than most, said, “I think that you are very introspective and therefore good about examining your feelings and trying to understand why you feel the way you do.” She also continues to say, “You not only keep control but also direct them to be what you want them to be (i.e. positive emotions instead of negative).” Sometimes, however, I feel like I don’t let people in. My sister said that she hopes that I can still let people in, but I have realized that having such strong control I have a hard time letting people know all of my emotions and letting them in. Having such strong control of my emotions also means that I need to be able to show them at an appropriate time in their entirety. I don’t know how to work on that honestly, but knowing is half the battle.
Interdependence
This is a vector of development that I have found some great dificulties with. When I read Chickering’s explanation of autonomy, I realized that I am very independent in an extreme manner. I was even more extreme before my mission, but have since learned how to work in group settings and forced interactions. However, with my personal relationships I have realized that I do not depend on my friends and family as much as they would like me to. I have failed to realize in the past that my life does affect those around me. It is selfish of me to only consider myself when making a decision that could potentially affect all of my family members or all of my friends. My ex-girlfriends that know me best brought up this concern of mine. They felt that I was unable to rely on them emotionally. One explained me as being stoic, but this is a great deal of what I talked about in my emotions section. My inability to show or share emotions is hard for me.
I have realized the positive attributes that I have acquired concerning interdependence. I have known them for a long time, as I have been so proud of them that I overlooked my weaknesses in this area. I feel that I am very good at including people in a group setting. I don’t manipulate others, and I rely on people’s opinions. Also, in the swimming world, which is greatly an independent sport, I rely on my teammates for motivation and my coaches for input. My best friend, who I might add is very independent himself, claims that I am near perfect in maturity concerning interdependence. I just need to work on the emotion dependence aspect.
Mature relationships
This section is also a two-part answer. I will divide it into romantic relationships and non-romantic relationships.
In romantic relationships I fell I have a mature level of understanding, and because of my understanding, I realize how important they are. This importance makes me scared almost of commitment and does inhibit some of my romantic relationships. I fell this came from one experience I had while dating a girl right off my mission. We were very serious, but she thought we were more serious than I was ready for. Since then, I have been extra careful to explain that I am very cautious about relationships so that girls don’t get the wrong idea too early in a relationship. This has, as you could guess, produced some interesting comments form ex-girlfriends who are mentors. One example that explains all is one ex-girlfriend who said,” You have a lot of room for growth in the department of romantic relationships. You, like most people, are scared of committing to one person and you are scared of settling down and of becoming an adult. You also have a strong personality and a strong sense of independence, as I mentioned before, and you will have to become more vulnerable and dependent in order have a deeper connection with someone.” I agree fully.
In non-romantic relationships, I feel I am very mature. I try to help my friends and be the best person that I can be for them. I try to make deep connections to enable long lasting friendship. I don’t like shallow, meaningless conversation. I would rather talk about their life and I like to ask lots of questions. My brother had observed the following that I feel accurately portrays me: “You have very mature relationships with your friends. You are quick to forgive and always quick to help a friend in need. You are selfless in your interactions with friends, and you don’t think twice about it.” Somehow I wish that a romantic relationship could be completely based on the same lines as a non-romantic relationship. It would make my life so much easier for me.
Self purpose
My mentors said the following: “still in self discovery,” “actively trying to figure this out,” “very mature,” “strong self-purpose,” and “I don’t know how serious he is about this at times.”
My response is that they are all true. I think I am very mature in this department. I am always looking to define my self-purpose, yet am aware of where I stand in the present. My father said that he doesn’t know how serious I am at times, which I understand because I am a free-spirited person. He does not understand that very much. I enjoy exploring my purpose. I don’t feel that I will ever have it completely solidified, as it is fluid and changes with my learning. I do have a purpose, however, which is to be happy with myself.
Integrity
When I read the responses to this section, I have learned a lot. I have always thought that my integrity has always been in tact. I stay true to my morals and myself. I keep secrets, promises, and oaths. And this is what most of my mentors commented on. Nothing special. However, my father and best friend gave some very compelling and eye opening observations. First, my father said that I have compromised my integrity at times. He is talking about times that I have lost touch of my morals and done some things that I am not proud of. I have repented for such actions, but he is able to remind me that I am not perfect in this department. I do not dwell on my imperfections concerning integrity as much, but this has reminded me to be humble, as no one is untouchable. Second, my best friend said that I lie too much. He claims I get in lying circles, where I am justifying half-truths to protect myself. It is even more interesting that he doesn’t feel that it is futile to work on, because there are so many things that I don’t lie about. This last claim I do not completely agree with, but I do realize that I lie. Upon contemplating this concept, I realize that I rationalize myself out of the truth sometimes. I end up seeing a lie. I hope that I am able to catch this in the future as I become more aware of it.
Summary
I have learned a great deal of my character and development as a mature young adult during this analysis. I have learned of my strengths and weaknesses. Of my weaknesses, I feel that being more emotionally interdependent is the largest concern across the vectors. If I am able to be more emotionally available, it will help my interdependence, mature romantic relationships, and managing of emotions. This will take time, but I hope to be able to prayerfully find ways to improve in these specific areas.
3.Desribe myself according to Perry’s four stages of maturity.
In asking my mentors this question about my cognitive development, I asked questions that specifically described the four stages. When I first had read and contemplated the stages I said I was in the Commitment in Relativism stage, with a maybe a little sense of “escape” syndrome. The responses that I received were overwhelming for the Commitment in Relativism. However, nobody even game the hint that I might have the commitment and trying to escape from it. The responses were exactly the opposite, it seems. I feel my current girlfriend who said, “You have a strong ability to communicate expeditiously,” explained it best as she continued, “You argue your opinion with a string of assertions to conclusions, explaining your logic from one to the other, and often including anecdotal evidence. I have never seen you take a dualistic approach. You are very open and accepting of different points of view, and I think you could argue either side of many arguments, even if you are passionate about one side.”
As I read her quote and others just like it by my mother, best friend, sister, and others, I became more confident in my opinions. I started to doubt the concept of “escape” that I had defined myself as before. “Escape” sis avoiding commitment and seeking refuge in relativism, which I realized I don’t do. I had before thought that being afraid of marriage or even choosing a career was me being committed in relativism on those topics. However, I have just realized that I do have an active affirmation on those subjects. I do know what I want in those departments, even though I am not ready to settle down to them. I can discuss my ideals with respect and understanding, even when I am not 100% sure.
The only concept that I have a hard time with, and my friend Dave agrees, is understanding what is genuinely me. What I mean is, information is always around us and I soak things up like a sponge. I am constantly bombarded with analysis of politics, economics, morals, and every subject imaginable. I just wonder sometimes how much is me formulating my own ideas, and how much is me repeating what I have heard. I have tried to eliminate some of this by not watching so much T.V. and just reading news and formulating my own opinion. However, as a conversation ensues my opinion is fluid and can always change. Dave helped me understand myself as he reassured me as he briefly touched this topic saying, “Its those opinions that are especially well said, the ones that aren't somebody else's opinion repeated, but the one's that are genuinely Justin.”
4a.) How accurate am I with my self-assessment?
I have claimed it before when talking to friends, and I will claim it again: I know myself better than anyone else. My friend Dave said, “You are your greatest critic,” as he talked about my inability to forgive myself at times. I agree with him completely, and can see myself as my greatest fan as well. I enjoyed how Brittany made the connection of my swimming and personal life. She said that because I am always striving to be better in swimming, I have learned how to see the details that I can change in my strokes. She further said that I have taken that concept and applied it to my life in general, changing details of my character at a time. Mckenna, an ex-girlfriend, said as well that I am always talking about what I am working on. I like to be aware of myself. I like to understand how my emotions are driving me. I like to comprehend how my past has influenced me in the present. And I like to be in control of my character as much as possible. I try to notice the faults of my character before anyone else so that I might be able to improve upon them. However, some faults that others see are not faults in my eyes, so my actions may seem a little controversial to some at times.
I think that I could have copy and pasted all of my friends and families responses as mine own. They honestly described me to the T from several different angles. Even when I asked some to give three word that would describe my character, they all said words that I have already defined myself as. It was interesting how the words matched those that I associated with my private, public, and ideal self. My closest friends matched all three sections of my self because they see all of them. I have told them my dreams, they see me in social situations, and they understand my deepest secrets. So, I would say that I am very accurate in my self-assessment.
4b.) What are key lessons I learned?
As I was writing this paper I found myself very frustrated, and it took some time for me to understand where that frustration was coming from. I have learned that I really do have a hard time expressing my emotions. I have a hard time encompassing them into words, which frustrates me because I really do want to divulge my inner character in this paper. I talked to a few of my mentors, my girlfriend and sister, because of this frustration. They helped me talk it through and figure out why it is so hard for me. The conclusion that we came to is that I am frustrated with not being able to express myself because of my complex situation that led to me completely re-assessing my character and development within the last 2 years.
When I came home from my mission, as I mentioned in Question 1, I became more aware of negative characteristics that have been part of my character growing up. I guess you could say I reached a new level of self-awareness and I didn’t like a lot of what I saw. Not that it all came to me at once. I actually had been working on many of those negative characteristics on my mission, but I never realized where those traits came from. When I traced a lot of them back to my parents and my understanding of my religion, it created a great deal of struggle for me to come into harmony with myself. So, in writing this paper I have realized how recent this struggle has occurred and how ongoing it is today. I put on a very sure and confident facade, communicating myself with commitment in relativism, but I believe deeper down I am very confused on multiple topics. This has never been so prevalent to me as it is now.
I have also learned of how much an impact my sister has on me. While discussing the above topic, I received a pep talk from her. She was really the only person in my family that would understand my struggling with this topic because she has experienced many of the same things. She has been there with me in our family through the hard dysfunctional times. Her knowledge in psychology also allows us to communicate our understanding of our childhood at a whole different level than most. She helped me understand what I was learning from writing this paper and what it meant for me. I am glad to have her insight. Also, she has influenced my line of study, which I never realized before. She studied psychology at University of Washington while I was in High School and on my mission. Upon my return from my mission, through conversations with her I was naturally drawn to the Social Sciences, but never accredited her for that understanding of myself. Psychology is now a passion of mine, and it brings great purpose to me to know that it is what I want to study and have a career in.
Summary
In conclusion, I would like to admit that even though I am very good at assessing myself, I had done a lot of it concerning the past and not the present. I have so much pride in this topic that it has taken a lot of courage for me to understand that I don’t completely understand all the reasons form my cognitive, intellectual, and emotional development. It is an on-going process for me, as it is for most, but I am thankful for understanding. Now that I do understand myself in the current state, I am able to be more aware of weaknesses in purpose and integrity. I will strive to be more emotionally affectionate, conveying them to those that I love. And most importantly, I have learned to be grateful for everything that I have been given to work with. Now, it is just the application process.
