Switching to Instagram!

Hey everyone (anyone??)! Just wanted to give you a heads up that I've actually switched over to Instagram. I'm more comfortable with Instagram in general, and have actually posted every day for about a week. If you're also an instagrammer, please feel free to follow me and lemme know you're from here! My username is TTC_baby_2.0 and I look forward to connecting! :) 7 days left in my 2WW btw!

Guess who's back... Back again....

It's me. 😜

Soooo after just about 2.5 years, we are back at it guys! E and I went in for IUI#1 for baby#2 on Friday! I'm obviously freaking out. E's semen "looked great" and despite some medical condom issues (as usual, for us), we got 'er done.

And now, we WAIT.

Here's my potentially TMI update so far: 1) My nipples are crazy sore again (I was just reading old posts, and that's something I experienced with both IUI's last time). 2) I'm also nauseous, which is weird. But wayyyy too early to be a symptom! 3) I woke up STARVING today. I legit ate over 1000 calories for breakfast. I've been doing keto for 2 months now (down 12lbs this morning!) and struggle to eat enough calories almost every day. So I'm not too worried about "overeating" but holy crap. 4) I'm also beyond exhausted. Trying to stay hydrated and to get enough sleep, but I'm a freaking slug since, I think?, the day before the IUI? 5) A LOT of cervical mucus. 😳 6) cramping in my upper pelvic area. It also feels a little swollen and heavy.

I didn't get hot flashes  while on Clomid this time. Reading through old blog posts, it seemed like there were some studies done that indicated that hot flashes while on Clomid might make conception less likely? I'll have to have E look that up in a medical journal database or whatever it is that he has access to (he's an NP). I definitely had hot flashes on a bunch of failed cycles last time. I also read that I followed some seemingly Old Wives tale advice and ate pineapple for 5 days after the successful  IUI, so we'll be running out for some of that later today. 😂 Just to cover our bases. Except I need to work out how much I can actually squeeze into my daily carb allotment.

Anyone actually reading this?  Anyone tried keto for PCOS weight loss? Anyone in a similar place? Anyone have any suggestions for other boosts?? lol.  I hope to get back involved with the IF community again later tonight. Hopefully check in on some of my old-time faves. E is working a LOT this coming week, so I'll need all of the distraction I can get. 😳

THIS baby.

I was trying to catch up on blogs tonight, but I was more behind than I thought I was... whoops....

I just read on someone's that she's glad she and her husband went through everything they went through to get "here", because if they hadn't, they wouldn't have THIS child.

I've really started feeling that this week. He's literally the best kid for us. Ever. He just fits so perfectly. It's insane. 

Don't get me wrong. It doesn't just fix everything. There are deep emotional wounds from what we went through. I already worry about whether we'll have to go through it all over again for a possible second child. But I'm so thankful that we had any baby and I'm in awe of it getting to be THIS baby. 

Aaaand some updates:
F is getting more and more of a personality. He belly laughed for the first time today. Obviously it was at E. They're straight-up besties. I spend 24/7 with the boy while E is at work and sleeping but E's his favorite person in the world. Ugh. But it's so cute I'm not even upset. E was playing with F during dinner and all of a sudden F just let out this deep belly laugh and we both just looked at him, bug eyed. And then he did it again! So cute.

F takes more daytime naps now.

He's rolling onto his sides from his back now. Sometimessss onto his belly from his back. He's just such a little munchkin.

He also started getting scared though. I dropped something in the kitchen the other day while he was in his highchair in the breakfast nook (he loves sitting up like a big boy- either in the high chair or propped up on the couch or even in the exersaucer. HATES laying down like a baby!) and the noise FREAKED him out. His little lip quivered and he just lost it. About an hour later we were playing and I was making faces at him... I got a text and stopped for a second to check my phone, and then resumed the game... but he wasn't ready. It caught him off guard and again, $#!+ was flipped. Poor kid. Both times I picked him up and held him and he snuggled his face into my neck and chilled out.

Homeboy's not much of a snuggler. He's the cuddliest and smooshiest when he's sleeping, but other than that he's on. the. go. Constantly. His feet never stop moving, he's looking at everything, flirting, smiling, giving people and things the side eye. Non-stop...

Thank Gd he's still an AMAZiNG sleeper. He sleeps for like 10+ hours at night. It's unreal. He's been going to sleep around 10 or 11pm and sleeping until anywhere from 7 to 9am. PLEASE GD LET THIS CONTINUE. Apparently I was the same way as a baby... and still. And yet I'm up at 4am writing a blog post??

Oh and in a surprise turn of events... I GOT MY FREAKING PERIOD THIS WEEK. I have been the Queen of MIA periods my whole life. Now, 12 weeks postpartum, pumping 100x/day, my body is like, "oh right, bleeding seems like the right choice." Right. And it brought it alllll the way. I was in some majorrrrrr pain this weekend. Major.  

It's clearly time to head to bed.

...but first, some catch-up photos from 1 month-2 months old: 

Thanksgiving:

F is turning 3 months later this week(!!!)so maybe I'll do a catch-up photo post for month 3 then! 

Birth Story: Part 2 (Better Late than Never??)

It's a little ridonk that I'm writing this as my 12.5 week old sleeps in the other room... whoops! I'm sure I've forgotten a million details.

***I'm going to edit this tomorrow, hopefully, with E's thoughts and input and memories. ;-D
Last time I left you, they were fiiiiinally wheeling me into a L&D room from triage. I should probably reread that post but it's 2am and I'm tired and lazy. I'd gotten the epidural and it had been helping for a while- I could still feel everything, but it was less painful than before. Welp, after a few hours, that didn't feel true anymore. I'm not sure what an epidural is SUPPOSED to do, but I'd been under the impression that I wouldn't be in completely excruciating pain... and yet, I was. So there's that. I'm really good at pretending nothing's wrong around people (except for poor E), so I didn't actually bring that one up to the doctor, but I'm pretty sure something was off there.

I'm not really sure what we did next. We were in that room for hours. We didn't watch TV. We didn't listen to music... I don't think we even played with our phones. I have no idea why. We definitely should have done all of those things. I think we just hung out and talked. Which I guess is also nice? But I probably would've been calmer if I'd been distracted.

E's parents arrived first and I think they came in a talked to us and the doctor for a while. There were some awkward moments thanks to some majorly different political/world views. They all "behaved" but my brain was short-circuiting with a RED ALERT over it. Then my parents and brother arrived. I think we all hung out for a bit? It's been 3 months. Don't wait 3 months when you're writing your own birth story, k?

At one point I definitely vomited. PS- I *always* try to put 2 T's in vomited. I let it be known to everyone that I wasn't feeling well and the second everyone was out the door, E grabbed a garbage can from the bathroom and BOOM. E called the nurse, who brought me a bucket and some alcohol-free mouthwash... because that'll get the job done. I think I vomited again, and another nurse came in and took the bucket away for me. And I felt like a loser. After that I tried to nap, maybe? Unsuccessfully.

The doctor came in between 6 and 7am and suggested we try pushing. We tried once and he decided it wasn't time yet and went to get a cup of coffee because he'd delivered like 50 babies that night. That's probably definitely an exaggeration. The nurse explained HOW to push, which fun fact, is that you push like you're trying to poop. I'd been focusing on getting a baby out of my vagina, but apparently it's more like you're pooping it out. Which is super great news when your biggest stupid fear of the night has been that you'll poop during childbirth in front of a bunch of strangers and your husband. Yep. Spoiler alert: I didn't!!!

So I guess then we tried a practice push or two with the nurse, and she was like Oh, that's interesting, wow, you're doing a really great job, whatta great pusher, oh holy crap we need the doctor STAT. So he walktzed (I'm going to leave that typo in there because it's pretty perfect... walk/waltzed) back in and was shocked at my newly acquired pushing skillz. I was getting legit back-to-back contractions with practically no breaks in between at that point, and they kept asking me if I wanted to skip a contraction so I could... rest? Or something? But like I mentioned earlier, the epidural may or may not have been working, and everything hurt like a B**** and I just needed this kid out of me ASAP because I COULD NOT STAND THE PAIN.

18 minutes after I started pushing, at 7:08am, our baby boy was born. 9lbs and 22.5". Yay!

We'd been warned that since he'd probably swallowed meconium there'd be pediatricians there during the birth and he wouldn't be able to be placed on my chest or anything because they'd need to assess him. So... that happened. That was the most emotionally and mentally confusing time of my life. It literally went by in a blur AND slow motion. We had no idea what was happening. There had been a baby inside of me and now he was outside of me and now the baby was in a bassinet thing next to my bed but I still hadn't seen his face, and they were suctioning him and I think they intubated him, and my placenta was coming out and the doctor was making jokes about how he's giving me 2 stitches just as a precaution but that if I'd just given birth in a field instead of a hospital then he'd just apply pressure and that'd stop the bleeding just fine, and the pediatrician isn't telling us anything and E is trying to take a photo so I can see what my freaking baby looks like and the pediatrician is telling E to not "harrass" the baby because they need to see if his levels or breathing or something improve on their own and he's interfering.

I don't know. Everything up until that point was absolutely amazing and I'd 100% give birth in this hospital all over again, but that pediatrician really could've been a lottttttttt different and calming and helpful. Even a small word of encouragement or reassurance would've been great. But, nope. Nothing. Just a scolding.

Eventually she left and a NICU doctor came and assessed the situation and determined that the baby would have to go up to the NICU because his oxygen levels were too low. He was so sweet and reassuring and let us hold the baby for a few minutes before they took him up which obviously wasn't enough time, but it was what it was.

And then E and I were alone in the room. Just looking at each other, confused.

Soon after that, I guess we called or texted our families who were in the waiting room and I asked for my mom to come in first and we told her what had happened and.... it was super awkward? Hey, mom, congrats, it's a boy, but.... he's not here... right now...? Right. The rest of the family eventually came in and we all just kind of hung out. We texted friends and updated facebook to announce F's arrival and that kept us distracted.

[Funny story, I just went to facebook to get the exact number of "likes" our announcement had gotten, because it was something absurd like 300 or 400, and THE POST IS MISSING. What. The. Eff. It's just not there!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!! UPDATE: I found it. 437 "likes" and 233 comments. Holy poop.]

Guys, I'm fading. Long story short, F went up to the NICU, they wheeled me up to my room, and we spent from Wednesday morning until Saturday morning going back and forth between our room on the 9th floor and the NICU on the 13th floor (maybe the other way around), over Jewish holidays where E is only able to eat inside of a hut which is on the ground floor and it's like shabbos, and the hut is outside (Thank Gd there even IS a hut/sukkah at that hospital). There were a million miscommunications between us, the NICU nurses, the NICU doctors, the lactation consultant, the other nurses, etc. One overnight NICU nurse flipped her $#!+ on us at one point because of a miscommunication and there were a LOT of tears. The baby was on an IV for the first ~24 hours and that set off a slew of issues with breastfeeding and we never quite got the hang of it but I'm still pumping and giving him everything I can plus supplementing with formula, which we had to start doing in the hospital because he was a big baby (9lbs, 22.5") and his blood sugar levels we low one time and everyone flipped and kept him in the hospital for an extra day because of it. Which, at the time, seemed like the end of the world because we were alone and sleep deprived and hormonal and traumatized and had just been severely told off by that nurse over a misunderstanding (on her part) and we were feeling like the worst parents in the world. All we wanted to do was go to our quiet little home and cuddle our baby and get to know him away from all of the NICU beeps and alarms and chaos. We spent almost all of our time down in the NICU but they closed from 7-8 am and pm for shift changes so that's when we'd pee and eat and get pain meds and vitals checked, etc before running back down to wait by the door for them to open. On one of those trips upstairs, the nurse came to routinely check my blood pressure and she happened to catch me in the middle of a minor panic attack (right after the NICU nurse incident!) and physically placed me into my bed and made me take a short nap. E told her what had just happened and she and the other nurses up there were so sweet and caring and amazing and sympathetic and angry at the other nurse on our behalf.

Oh and while F had to stay for an extra day, I was discharged so we kind of lost our "home base" (my hospital room) and had to sleep on couches in a "family room" Friday night with another woman who snored louder than anyone I've ever heard snore before. She actually drowned out the sound of E's snoring. It was that intense.

So, wow. Eventually we got to go home on Saturday. F was really not in actual major danger at any point, and I'm so beyond thankful for that. This whole thing was mostly people crossing their T's and dotting their I's and taking precautions for F. E and I really super bonded during those days since it was really just the two of us figuring things out on our own. He was already my bestie (cue the cheese) but things really, I don't know, solidified in a whole new way during those days. I'm not saying it's because of the baby. We went through (what felt like) hell during that time and came out stronger. Side note- later in our stay, the super nice NICU doctor randomly stopped us in the hallway to tell us what a great job we were doing and that he had a 6 month old at home and told us that it's so important that we take time for ourselves and our own relationship at least once a week. That really stuck with us.

Fast forward 12.5 weeks and here I am at 3am and this enormous kid (way off the charts for height and average for weight) is going to be waking up in a few hours, so I need to catch some Z's. All in all, it was a huge learning experience and we walked away with a beautiful healthy baby KA"H and that's really all that matters. I'm really glad that I finally typed this up.

Oh- and all of that running around 2 seconds after birth might've helped me heal faster, maybe? But I also had insanely swollen feet and ankles for weeks afterwards. Like scary, hideously swollen. So... whatever. I have no real advice, but if you can, keep your damn feet up. And let someone else do the dishes when you get home. Don't be a crazy person. That's all.

Low Amylose, round two.

Quick update!

So I "started" Low amylose again tonight... I originally wanted to wait 6 weeks after the baby was born but then decided to wait until after chanukah, which ended tonight (also his 10 week "birthday"). Within about 30 minutes I had already cheated, but we've been back on track for a whopping 4.5 hours now. Let's see how this goes....  

Anyone else out there doing LA? I'm trying to remember what recipes I used to make regularly. I'm concerned about the time factor- namely, being short on it. I used to have plenty of freedom to take as long as necessary to make food but (thankfully!!!) things are so hectic with the baby that I'm worried this won't be sustainable... Any quick solutions? I ordered some larabars from Amazon for quick snacks and I'm about to make a shopping list. I'll let you know what i come up with. 

Right now I'm still up about 25lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight but could really stand to lose a bit more than that, ideally.

Happy holidays to all who are celebrating!!  

Birth Story: part 1

Not sure when I'll get to type up part two, but.... here we go.

Spoiler alert: I got the epidural. 

Monday October 13 we went to the Dr and they checked me and I wasn't any more dilated than I'd been the week before. I didn't take that so well and went home and cried and was reallllllly overreactingly sad. I really didn't want to be in labor over the Jewish holidays later that week and I was so sick of being pregnant and wanted to meet this guy already! So I napped on and off the rest of that day and I forget what else we did but we fell asleep for the night really late (because of it was the Jewish holiday of Sukkos there's "Simchas Beis hashoeva" music and partying on our street late into the night).

PS is it just me or are those cervical exams excruciatingly painful for everyone??

On Tuesday morning I woke up around 11 and my back reallllly hurt. Got up but went to lay down again pretty much immediately and played on my phone. After a little bit (around 12:30) I finally realized that the pain was coming in waves. One of my 9 million pregnancy apps had a contraction timer so I decided to try that out just for kicks to see if there was any pattern. 

Shocker-- there was. I didn't tell E right away.... I probably didn't believe it was really happening since the day before there had been absolutely nothing happening at the Dr appt. But they were lasting anywhere between 30 and 60 seconds (mostly in the 40s) and about 3-10 minutes apart (mostly 3-6) which seemed reallllly often (the doctor's rule had been 5-1-1, 5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute each, for over 1 hour), but they weren't crazy painful or strong. I was walking and talking and laughing through most of them.

I have a whatsapp chat going with a couple of close friends who each have 3 kids (story of my life!) and I mentioned it to them and they were like "helloooo you're in early labor!! Wahoo!" They eventually suggested that we try walking up and down our building's stairs to move things along, so we tried that but it kind of slowed things down so we left and walked to do a few errands in nearby shops and E suggested we get me some protein for in case this was real labor starting. So we walked down the street and split a roast beef sandwich and a chicken avocado wrap in the restaurant's sukkah. 

While we were in the sukkah, E got a call from work telling him he'd gotten accepted to transfer to a new unit that's opening up at his hospital and that they needed him to come in asap to fill out some paperwork. So for some reason he stands up to leave the sukkah to have this conversation but doesn't get outside fast enough before, in the exact middle of the super crowded sukkah, he very loudly says that he'd love to go take care of that, but that his wife is currently in labor as we speak. Classic. All of the English speakers (there were a LOT of Israelis) in the sukkah turned and looked at me, haha.

Whew. So then we slowly walked home and they were getting a little worse by the time we got upstairs so E decided to call the doctor and just give him a heads up and find out at what point we should go to the hospital since things were kind of all over the place timing-wise. 

Aaaand the Dr said to head there right to and just get checked out and see how things were going dilation-wise. So then we were like chickens with our heads chopped off, running around trying to make a small hospital bag of just essentials since we were totally sure we'd be sent home and didn't want to lug the whole suitcase we'd packed. Called both of our parents to give them a heads up but told them not to start coming until we'd gotten checked at the hospital bc it was probably a false alarm or something. Right. 

Briefly considered taking the subway to get more walking in, to increase our chances of something happening, but by the time we got to the bottom of the stairs (after bumping into pretty much every neighbor in our building and our downstairs neighbors telling us that their daughter's birthday was that night..) I knew I couldn't do that much walking and figured that with my luck, my water would break on the subway lol. Called a cab and it was a lady driver which for some reason freaked me out, and she kind of picked up what was going on and apologized for practically every bump in the road. 

Here we are waiting for the cab:

Got to the hospital and called the doctor like he'd told us to and he said he'd be there at 8:30 and to walk around until then (it was 8 at the time). So I literally walked in circles around an empty information desk while E kept track of my contractions and kept my whatsapp friends chat updated haha. Then a good friend called E to hang out bc he was in our neighborhood, and E tells him where we are. That friend and his wife had bought us a car seat so he was planning on dropping it off at our apartment....

Thennn we went upstairs at 8:30 and no one was expecting us and the doctor wasn't there and everyone kind of treated us like we were crazy and overreacting because I was walking and talking and laughing through (most of) the contractions still. But they put us in the triage room and started monitoring me and also the baby's heart rate and, surprise, I was having real contractions. 

At that point E let our parents know that they could start coming, and our friend decided he should bring us the car seat and our real hospital suitcase.

The contractions started getting worse and worse and the first time they checked my dilation I was 4cm and about an hour later I was 7cm. The doctor said asked if I wanted an epidural and I kind of panicked. He explained that things were going textbook well for me already, with continuous contractions, dilating quickly, etc, and that his prediction was that the epidural wouldn't slow things down for me. He also said he only has a 6% c-section rate and that in his experience, a calm mommy is a mommy who doesn't get a c-section. I realized that I really was sort of shutting down during contractions and getting realllly tired (this was like 12 hrs after we'd woken up and the contractions had started) so we decided to go for it. As we were waiting for the anesthetist, our friend got there with our stuff and E ran down to the lobby to get the stuff which was a little scary but he made it back just in time. 

The epidural definitely hurt and was kind of scary but I think it was worth it. It took away a big chunk of the pain for the next couple of hours. Towards the end, everything reallllllllllllly flipping hurt but idk if the epidural actually stopped working or if it was actually taking the edge off of how bad it could have been. 

At some point our nurses changed and the new one came in for the first time to check my monitors and introduce herself. She asked me to sit up for a second and as I did that, I thought I felt my water break (wasn't 100% sure if it was that or if I'd, uh, urinated). She checked and it had, but there was meconium with it. Apparently when babies poop in there they can inhale it as they're being born which is vaguely dangerous, so whenever there's meconium in the broken water, they have a pediatrician present at the birth and don't do immediate skin-to-skin but instead do a quick 90-second check on the baby and then give it to the mother. That all sounded a little disappointing but reasonable. 

A little while later, a labor and delivery room finally opened up (it was a very busy baby night) and they wheeled my bed there.....

To be continued! I know! Sorry!

Thoughts after 4 Weeks

Does anyone still read this?? Whoops!  Photo overload at the bottom....

I'm just going to throw out some quick thoughts, because I'm not sure how long this guy will let me type for. :)

Whew. I'm slowly trying to catch up on everyone's blogs today and wow is it emotional. So far I've cried from pregnancy announcements, pregnancy losses, and stories of continued infertility. All while my own miracle sleeps with his face nestled into my neck. I'm a basket case of thankfulness and gratitude for all of the happy endings, especially my own, and of sorrow for everyone else.

I've been posting photos of this guy on facebook and kicking myself for being THAT person. I'm so worried that these photos are causing pain to someone out there in facebook land. At the same time, so many people prayed for us to have this miracle baby... so many people are constantly asking for photos and updates. Too many to send photos to individually. Idk. Thank Gd for all of this support and love. I hope he's only bringing joy.

Homeboy is doing so incredibly well bh. I need to finish typing our birth story. He was 9lbs at birth and 22.5". He 'd only lost 2oz by the 1 week appt and was actually up to 9lbs 13 oz and 23.5" by the 4 week appt. :) He's in the 99th percentile for height, but only 55th for weight. Tall and skinny- yet another set of traits he got from E and not me... he looks almost exactly like E. And has E's generally calm and happy demeanor. Occasionally he makes a face that looks like my baby photos... and he totally loses his Shittake if he's hungry, hot or cold. All of that is from me, haha. Poor kid. He loves snuggles but only sits still when he's sleeping. And he's crazy super alert. He skipped the whole super sleepy infant stage entirely.

It's been 4 weeks and 1 day but I still hold my breath and watch him while he's sleeping and pray for him to still be breathing. Is it the years of infertility that have me so scared that this miracle could disappear or be taken away??

E had to go back to work a week and a half after the baby was born. He had a week of regular shifts and then began two weeks of training for a new unit at work. He gets up at 5:40am and training is until 4pm but he has school two nights a week and on one of those nights he doesn't get home until 10:30/11pm. So he's exhausteddd and not home so much. Thank Gd the last day is tomorrow and then he's back to normal shifts (on the new unit) next week! And super thankfully Homeboy is a pretty fantastic sleeper (also from me!) at night. During the day he takes catnaps but is pretty alert the rest of the day and kind of needs to be entertained.

He LOVES walking around in his Ergo.

He snores. And it's adorable. He also smiles after he farts.

Confession time: We're generally pumping and bottle feeding him the breastmilk. The NICU situation sort of messed up our straight-up nursing beginnings but we've seen lactation consultants and can actually nurse now with the help of a nipple shield. Which is great. I'm trying to get myself to feed him that way more often but the pump is so much easier and faster... and I'm impatient. Oh, and he's impatient too. Infants are so irrational. ;) But yeah. That's our biggest struggle right now. That nursing weirds me out and stresses me out and I need to get over it before he forgets how to do it altogether and I'm stuck pumping forever. Wish us luck.

My brain just blanked on all of the other things I wanted to say, so I'll just  add a few photos and call it a day...

Also, I think I'm going back on Low Amylose once we're 6 weeks postpartum. I'm still almost 25lbs more than I was pre-pregnancy. I don't know what I weighed at the very end but it was crazy higher than I wanted it to be and just eating healthy AND nursing isn't budging the scale an inch. So it seems like LA is the way to go again. I'm compiling some new recipes already. I'll keep you updated on that. Also need to work on the nursery so you'll get those updates too hopefully.

...we'll see.