The Leftover

We waited together. But we left separately. Being the last left waiting without specific roles. Becoming a senior, a teacher, a multitasker. Praying hard to leave whilst struggling with the wish to stay for them. Ironic. 

Hoping for the best.

12.12.12. Nine more days to perhaps the predicted day. Ten more days to meeting the idol who changed my way of life completely. Thirteen more days to Christmas and twenty more days to 2013. Anticipating the future.

I will not be the leftover.

Things happen for a reason. Why-s you would ask. Close up your eyes and revisit your past. Find the links between the things happened because collectively, they will tell you the reason. The reason that you may not know instantaneously on the spot it happened. 

Why I was born in this family?

Why I was the youngest in the family?

Why did we meet?

Why did they meet?

Why did you have such thinking?

Why did they have such thinking?

Why did I choose to follow you?

梦想学习

梦想拥有

同时

想起被遗忘的钢琴

想起曾经的陶醉

曾经的溺爱

好想再次

让音乐荡漾于指间

曾经

牵着你走

温暖的手心

不曾怀疑

去哪也愿意

曾经

坚强勇敢

只为保护你

当你的避风港

换取你的信任

岁月逼人

当黑丝退色

你却没发觉

绝对信任的同时

忽略了最重要的

此时此刻

内心渴望的

只是一个关怀

一个陪伴

一句回家吃饭

坚强的背后

原来是脆弱的

Becoming A Prince

It was 4 years ago when he came in the size of my palms. Now a full grown-up with unanticipated intelligence. Being loved by the family despite his mischievous behaviour. Unfortunately he was forced to be separated from the family. Been left alone guarding his home and only been visited during meal time. It was a pain not only for the family, but also for him who suffers from separation anxiety. Just a few times after this new routine, he greeted us excitedly as usual but howled and cried as we left. Depressing. Seeking a proper shelter was difficult. The fact that he will be put into sleep when he turns five made us hesitated. And finally a billionaire came to see him. Another chapter of life will soon begin. 

Dear Mocha, be a good boy wherever you go. May you be bestowed with love in your new home. Will miss you lots.

As the end approached, the stress to complete everything tagged along. Yet they managed to get a cake for me and promoted my day. Thanks. Didn't expect for anything during the oncall week.

Things get sweeter when two become one. Being fascinated to be the ji mui. It was truly an honour to witness this blissful moment of theirs.

Back to reality. Stress built up and repetitions of errors stumbled me into tears. Realised that the support that I sought was always there. Just need to be more grateful.

And finally came the long-awaited challenge. Prelude with fruits and vege; followed by a full symphony of sashimi and ended with the rest. Massive detoxification the next day.

The Prelude

The Turning Point

Be it

the beginning of working life
the forced independence
the loss of someone
the strengthened links
the paradigm shift
the found targets
the pursuit of dreams
the self discovery
the self improvement
the new number
or perhaps the end of world

2012. Learning to cherish more and being loved by others. It's never been better. Thank you.

A family trip to Tanjung Karang. Not expecting much but it turned out to be quite amusing. New experience in a village, in a malay home, in paddy fields and in a sugarcane farm. And also meeting my cute little nephew for the second time whose first word to me was byebye.

An enjoyable trip indeed but would have been better with fireflies. Looking forward to another one.

For the celebration of his birth 100 years later

As the plane took off to the south, the memories in 10,000km apart came back into mind. It was a year ago since we last boarded a flight. This time, just the two of us, running away from the pressures in life. Not absolutely relaxing, but a memorable one.

 Day by the beach

Night by the river

8 Months Now

Advanced Farewell

- A Night for Us -

Oncall 1/52

An overwhelming week. Entering into a new department and taking care of a full-house ward on my own. The feeling of having works undone was kinda torturing. Searching desperately for the capability to manage all. Working overtime for most of the days has drained much of the energy. Brain automatically shut down and rejected to be utilised. Headache followed. Yes it's beyond my limit. 

Anyway, the week has finally come to an end. At least some nocturnal resting time for the brain. Anticipating the moments to the south.

宁静的夜晚

有你紧握着手

带我穿梭霓虹灯群

曾经渴望的幸福

原来如此简单

Thoughts that could not be heard. Thoughts that need to be hidden for the sake of someone. Thoughts that only make things worse. Thoughts that will never be accepted.

Eyes shimmering with tears as I stepped out of the room. Pathetic and foolish. Always wondering what do you really want.

音乐响起
感动留在心里
最亲爱的你
是否也有共鸣

原来许多事情
并不会重来
曾经许多第一次
都如此珍贵
却少了珍惜
忘了那第一次的感觉
遗憾不已

漫长的隔离
却因短暂的相聚
拉近了彼此的心
回忆如此温暖
一个微笑
能带走一切忧郁
期待着再一次相聚

Feel like half-dead. Unfortunate brain shutdown in response to overwhelming stress. Too much things to do yet too little time to do. While struggling to allocate time for each assignment, more assignments came in without allowing rejection. Equal focus is necessary to ensure good performance. Mentally exhausted.

Going for work is as if trying to fill up empty punch cards. The satisfaction of getting a near-complete card and the depressing appearance of a clean card at the end of each month. Counting down the days to weekend every week, yet refusing to think about the coming of weekdays again. Working life. An infinite cycle. I want to end you very soon.

Comforting self that it wouldn't take too long. Looking at her does comfort the heart better. Finally I can see you everyday.

Somehow I slowed down my steps, allowing time to get ahead of me. Found myself living in the past. Find the time flying way too quickly. A week just passed without myself knowing and the weekends are never enough. Every week is as if a repetition. A non-stop cycle.

Busy working life with lots to take care of. Presentations, exam, research project, filling in log books, self-learning etc. Yet there are always people who push you to the limits and challenge your EQ. Wish to have more time for myself. 

Well just half a year more to go. I just have to hold on for a little longer.

Seeing from afar, the years have taken effect on them. Saddened by the unchangeable truth but there is nothing can be done to reverse it.

Since arrival in this world, love has been bestowed upon unconditionally, with the best consultants of life and asylum where the heart is healed and ready for another challenge. Two decades later, they may not realise it, feel the sudden exchange of roles, at least in me. The urge to watch their back; the urge to remind them of potential harms; the urge to be responsible to take care of them; the urge to hold them to reassure me that they are safe.

Many had happened since started working in a place far from home. Observation of the patients reminded me of a lot of things. Truly grateful that they are still here with me, loving and caring for me continuously. Cherish before it's too late. 

Happy Parents' Day.

Thanks for bringing me to this world.

一个听不腻的旋律

一首听不腻的歌曲

一把听不腻的声音

从来都没有

那么喜欢过一名歌手

换了部门

当了跑腿员

风雨不改被人差使

拿着一叠叠文件上上下下 

只恨电梯慵懒的态度

只恨工作不能同时交到手里

只恨工作偶尔不能顺利完成 

但最恨打羽球时过度拉扯了肌肉

跑腿工变得如此费力

期待着下个星期的长假

Que sera sera. Sang by colleagues to me during the exam period. What will be will be was what I said. Result was the exact opposite of dream. Funnily sarcastic. Well, gonna aim to pass another half next time. Ice-cream for the passed!

Two public holidays in the middle of the week and another one coming soon. Never knew that leave application is so difficult even with truly valid reasons. Enough. Approve my leave or don't come to me when I claim all in one go later.

Anticipating souvenirs from Singapore, Taiwan and Hong Kong while working hard in hospital. Another motivation :)

恋上灰

I do not know if what I'd done today was wrong. Standing in between career and dream. Hesitating. I only wish that I had not caused any annoyance. 

My dream is not of a disgrace.

Oncall Diary

Anxiety started conquering the heart prior to the beginning. Feeling blue for not able to go home during weekend. But still need to face the week with phone on standby mode.

Day 1:

A peaceful day. Yet couldn't sleep well as was too anxious.

Day 2: 

First question from labour room. Felt like seeing the newborn the next day. Relived to get the first call and finally slept soundly that a call was missed.

Day 3:

Realized that the call last night was to request me to get stocks from other hospital. A colleague was sent instead. Changed to a louder ringtone. Another call regarding supply problems in the ward. Settled by senior. Another peaceful night.

Day 4:

Another peaceful day. Felt that the week would pass very quickly and soon I'll be home. 

Day 5:

Parents were visiting after work. Supply issues in the ward and settled by senior again. Fire drill right after night shift. Deafening peaceful night.

Day 6: 

Working on weekend. Stressed when works came in piles. Inexperienced in assaying a sample had caused trouble to others. Off at 3pm without having lunch. Night shift again.

Day 7:

The finale! Everything turned out smoothly somehow. Hope the night would be peaceful too. Looking forward to the holiday two days later.

为生命创造机会

至少能给自己

多一点的时间

做想做的事情

人生只有一次

要怎么过

由你选择

我决定

要尝试一切

要看遍世界
才不枉到此一游

Finally out of the ward. Yet few reports to be completed. And research project to be taken care of. Starting to have more responsibilities and work on my own. Comforting myself that time will fly. Yes, it's already 4 months!

Time to sit for the exam with a cut on the left thumb about 3 hours prior to the exam. Thought that the good will come after the bad but had forgotten to consider the difficulty in flipping the books. Anyway, not expecting much this time as the study time had been taken over by the busyness in clinical. Wish me luck :)

And another year being together. This year with sudden craving for waffle which had me eaten it twice within 4 days.

With vanilla ice-cream and strawberry topping.

Cute strap which is now accompanying the keys.

A minute before, he turned his head and looked at you.

A minute later, he became a cold body.

Cries of the family pain the heart. 

I still couldn't accept it.

尽管日子忙碌

心里依然空虚

只希望有你

一直在身边

今年情人节

甜蜜的惊喜

祝

情人节快乐

新年快乐

An ordinary new year. Not anticipating much despite wasn't been able to celebrate at home and receive angpau-s with own hands for 2 years. Visiting relatives and welcoming guests as usual. But there are definitely things which are different this year.

A rainy new year. 

A house left messy without anyone getting annoyed.
A bathroom cleaned by me.

A new year with difficulty in finding new clothes to put on.
A mouth which is unstoppable.

A holiday with works still on mind.

A sudden decision to make the coming 2 months busier.

A last minute decision to get a new phone.

A new year without someone.

A new perspective to be instilled.

A determination for self improvement.

A blooming bud is seen.

Oh, and Happy Birthday Fifi!! Dragon year roars~

When it comes to life and death

There must be no excuses

For null common sense and stupidity

*****

Consuming and re-consuming large piles of facts

A process difficult to get through

But the end result would be cool

*****

Confidence comes before experience

Struggling to adapt

But patients' smiles comfort the heart

*****

A preparation for clinical phase

Witnessed the process of death in ICU

While clerking the very first case

Emotional issues struck

*****

Observing patients on each bed

Sometimes it pains the heart to see and hear

The unpredicted types of wounds

The invasive technology

The fear of complications

The cries to go home

The loss of loved ones

*****

I think I do not belong here

是好是坏
此时此刻原形毕露
被迫一夜长大
担当起一切
也许是不归路

加油吧！
即使天塌下来
依然有我陪你一起扛

一言难尽
接踵而来的事故
心碎了
心累了
感觉生命的脆弱
感觉自己的渺小
感觉曾经的坚持多么微不足道
只希望2012会是个好年
在世界末日前留下美好回忆
就足矣