The Easiest Way Out

I use to think that blogging is just plain silly. It allows the world to know what you truly are, to expose one's vulnerabilities to a raw audience that perhaps would not share the same sentiment as you do.

I do however stand corrected that it should be used as a tool that allows for a cataloging of one's memories and inner thoughts and that's what i will begin to do and hone. Recent events have sparked my thoughts into motion to which i steadily but surely reach my 'dreaded' 30s. 'Dreaded' by which i mean, it is an unknown. Will it be a semi mid-life crisis? We'll await the day and see.

Was feeling a little like a grouch today and needed a way to vent it out, the following were some of my inner thoughts on what went through my mind after having to face the prospect of having to be stuck at home to do assignment after assignment was not one that i was looking forward to. To cap it off, horrible planning by family individuals have compromised what little time i already have to finish the assignments. But i suppose, it allows for a break in what i have set out to do, though i must say that i do not look forward to it because the only time they would need help is when they need something and it is usually something not out of desperation but out of sheer laziness. Possibilities of knowing how to do something often encapsulates just Googling it or watching a YouTube tutorial.

No matter where you are in there world, there is always someone that hates you for no apparent logical reason and there will be others who will like you for a reason. This resounds true in the culmination of various events thus far in my life. It does truly take more effort to like someone because you would have to process a thought in doing so, whereas to just brush someone off would always be the easiest option. Always choose the harder route for then the easier route will not then be the epitome of your conquests.

Bittersweet

I don't often say this, but I will miss Australia if I were to leave it. The time to decide will be in a month's time. Will I miss Singapore? Yes and no. No because of the weather, crowds, general rudeness of everyone, rat-race culture and no patriotism. Yes because of family, food and the ease of everything a stone's throw away. This kind of clarifies my thoughts, in a way I'll miss the people in Singapore but then again I don't remember being satisfied or "happy", rather the appropriate word would be contented. Society in general is pretentious is nature but to exit from a county that has based it's entire foundation on such falsifications gives one a breath of fresh air. To know that you can speak your mind without fear is liberating in itself. Then again I ask myself, will I miss Australia? Yes and yes again. Do I have less to lose if I were to be here? No. Partially due to having established myself back "home", but opportunities are abound and besides I'm 25. I find myself lowering my standards and expectations when I am here which mind you it's not that I am subtracting from my character but these "standards" is what society in Singapore deems as acceptable. To have your way, to be the first, to struggle to survive. I do not want to live that life. I wish to grow more as a person and not to grow up without being a man of character, for to falter within a false perfect facade of wealth is the desolation of one's essence. It is bitter sweet, always will be.

Time Warp

I lie in bed stricken with fear; fear of the unknown. Fear of not knowing what will come forth. Dear of the future. Like a predator in the night it creeps up upon me without notice. The hugs to placate me do little to comfort me. What will the future hold, before me I stand upon a forked road and these roads are interlinked but yet distinct all at the same time; both out of my comfort zone. Perhaps I should watch that video about how we as humans should learn. The magic zone as it calls it. Change that dear into hope and aspiration, there will be many more days ahead Fred. Face them with confidence.

The Final Piece

Dear Mother,

May I bring to your concern that it has barely been 3 months since my return from Australia and you have already forgotten what it is like not to have a son in your presence. I heed you to calm your lashing tongue and think before you speak without such phrases that I am, "mopping" around just because I am taking a half year break from everything. Do you always think that what you see is what you get? I am doing such a thing because I am also assessing the situation if I should stay in Singapore or not... And it matters much to me that I could live in your presence and to this day I have concluded not. But I warn you that the future without a son is highly likely. I grew up with parents who did not know how to outwardly love their children - where outwardly love was always in the back seat. If one provided for their child it was already considered to love them. The very fact that I never heard Dad say i love you till I was 15 was shocking to me. I am deeply disappointed in the fact that when I come home I am only welcomed back for the first week and after that you go back to your old ways of putting me down, if I do not pack my stuff I am considered untidy and with unthiughtful phrases of "if you're like this, see which woman will marry you" and constantly raising your voice because one jumps to conclusions that I am not open to discussion. All I wanted was for parents to sit down and discuss with me items of the heart. I grew up with a father running away from confrontations and a finicky mother who only knew how to shout. How then do you expect one's child to be able to communicate his/her ideas through? I see my friends around me have such great connection with their parents and I only marvel in jealousy because it doesn't exist it my world. Rest assured, I have learnt my lessons from your life and my kids will not suffer from the same silent unassuming love that you show. By the way, I still remember Banker and it is by far one of the gravest mistakes that I will never forgive you for - the worst judgement one could have made, what the hell do you think you were doing? Do I look 5 to you? That taking him away would have solved the issue? I do not regret saying that I would do the same to you if I had the chance, as if that will solve the issue. You cunning bastard.

I still remember you mentioning that you will be,"relieved that your father would pass on" because he was such a handful at times. I wait upon his death to find out if you would take those words back and in this from which you always deny jumping to conclusions, I will be proven right of you not thinking before saying something you didn't mean.

If I stay at home one complains that I "mop" around and am" wasting time". When I go out I get questioned to why I go out so often and get nagged at. Then I ask you, what the fuck do I do? Everything I do is wrong then I beg of you to shut the fuck up because instead of loving outwardly all you are doing is nagging. Get it into your numb skull that nagging does not EQUATE to loving a child and in that I will never understand Asian parents.

Most of all if you know me well enough, when I do something I do it all the way with intensity that could probably outshine the sun at times and this is one that I am taking a long time to decide because of the gravity of it.

I have concluded not to come back to Singapore for a period of time. Perhaps till your death because I am not appreciated. I wish you well mother, you are my mom but I am not bound to you by a cord.

P.S. You should have treasured your son when you had the chance and now it's too late.

Yours with Love,
Your youngest son. Goodbye mother.

Till Death Do I Wonder

It's my birthday again.

I often wonder... Before I continue, if you know me well by now you'll know that I often contemplate upon the strangest of things, perhaps just pondering...

What would happen if I were to die on the day I was born. Why is it that a special day every year has to be set aside for this one special moment. A moment in time where gifts and love are showered upon you, only for one to recoil back into a "normal" day yet again to repeat the cycle. 

Memories of presents from bygone days of youth. On this very special day; only to return to reality where you are caned if you misbehave or if you bad results. Quite a contrast ain't. Rather I would often see this day as revenge day if you were to call it, where everyone tries to treat you nicely only for you to snap their neck off. Oh... The sweet pleasure when you see their faces. Faces of those whom you've disdained. If you've treated one nicely, your neck would still be in the right socket. If one treated someone else well for the previous 364 days then yes I would be very happy because it counts towards making everyday a birthday and vice versa.

Your one "happy birthday" doesn't tilt the balance in any way whatsoever.

Would you regret now if you were to die upon your birthday? I wish I did to finally make those that didn't treasure me finally do so. I hope I do, so that you'll have to light my funeral pyre and not the other way round. Till then... Start treating your son as a son. Come down from your all mighty throne and cradle him, cherish him. 

However I fear you are a decade too late, once one's heart is hardened it becomes more brittle as well. 

In my death (hopefully) you'll see this. Regret, till your dying day for you once said,"I should not have given birth to you".

Double Standards

"I feel that she's someone different, you know... Unlike other 20 year olds, when you did wanna do your own thing she'll support you and allow you to get it done with"

"I agree bro, she's a good catch... "

"... Mmmn... Hmm... *nods*"

I walked together with my bestie back to his place to spend some time helping him out with his tank for our time is short. Brothers we are but with different stories to tell. When all was good and done I left his place with our usual farewells.

I drove home a happy man knowing that yet again I've helped a close friend and in turn built bridges that will stand the test of time.

Arrived home and got down to work with my usual 6hr shift of maintaining the aquarium and trying to gleam insight into what else I could learn from this hobby.

Exhausted, I dragged myself into the shower and got ready for bed. It was already 6am. I thought to myself,"I did better not sleep now otherwise I wouldn't be able to wake up in time for her"

So I waited, deliberated and decided I will try my very best to stay awake because she has set this time aside for me.

Until I went onto twitter. I am tired, let me cut it short here.

Read twitter.
Your comments.
Asked what's wrong = nothing = bullcrap = then why the fuck tweet?

Tell me in my face. Not like every other keyboard warrior.

So much for what I told my friend.

I am filled with a mixture of feelings ranging from anger to outright disappointment.

You were the one that said how you like it that I could bring a whole ecosystem to life, right... And now you can't tolerate it.

Where nothing is something and something is possibly nothing.

Double Standards.

If you wanna play cold war, bring it.

And you know what? I'm gonna sleep. You don't deserve my time. Double standards.

The Backstage

You grow up, you learn that the world isn't as innocent as you think it is. Every move calculated whenever possible. The trials and tribulations that you observe in people around you, veiled in secrecy at times and yet ever so rarely, you see one's true emotions. It's all in their eyes. You hold back, uncertain if it is true and then it hits you like a tonne of bricks - the windows to one's soul does not lie. Glistening. Awaiting. Hope. Fear. Anger. All within. Their pupils dilate, the canopy rises and you are sucked into a once impenetrable fortress of one's inner spirit. A whirlwind of emotions flood back into you through that very split second you made eye contact. Vaguely you dig within searching and linking the vital ques that you've just witnessed within those windows. You found it, you reel in horror, dismay, pity, sadness and a sorrow that is shared only by the heartbroken and dismayed. And then it all goes back to normal where everyone plays their roll that they have to play in such a cruel world where the actors and actresses live out their life performing for everyone else to see. Melancholy fills the air as the mood swings from one pinicle to another. Everybody laughs, everybody is pleased. And the void to ones soul closes just like the curtains on one's stage. Look past the curtains you may not but yet as the winds and seasons change you would often get to see slithers of "inner souls" be they be brief or to truly wrap you with them and allow you into one's backstage. Nobody said that one's backstage would be neat. To be human is to have a backstage that isn't surgically neat. If one had such, one would be likened to artificial intelligence. Precise, unfeeling, cold. The more you go through life, the more props you accumulate. The less you organize, the more you lose your mind. Perhaps letting someone in isn't a bad thing afterall, to clean one's cobwebs and skeletons. To put in place active organizational systems so that one may see clearer. A path straight to the heart is what I lack. A path that I am finding ever so desperately. A journey to travel before I die. To travel the distance into the deepest back stage of one's heart and soul. To be lost within embracing arms. To watch the world from someone's backsage is what I truly wish for.

Return To Innocence

As i grow older, i come to a stage where i am caught in the middle, being teared from my adolescence into adulthood by time. Many questions that run through my head, will i be able to earn enough? will i go back to Singapore to be with my parents? When will i settle down, own my own house, have kids? What will i be in 5 years time when i turn 28?

i do not like this feeling, it is the fear of walking a tight rope across to the other side, a better side i suppose (i hope) fear and uncertainty. And yet you can't turn around because you know that this rope is going to be severed. You inch your way across, slowly but surely.

''Man up'', i tell myself to face destiny and finally to make decisive actions to plan for the future. I didnt expect to think this way just 6 months back, living a carefree life and not worrying... but now that i finally see the other side i walk looking back in nostalgic melancholy. All things that i knew fade back into the distance, turning grey as my memory clouds what has and had been.

My future as it seems is not secure, as is anyone's future. Why is this world run by money? The more you earn pieces of paper that society has crafted the higher your standing in life?

No, i must not think in this manner... It is the absolute pureness of one's heart that matters the most, Rich or poor, straight or gay - God created you and you alone, God didnt create money. Money was linked to society and society is the crafting of people. I am special in his eyes and so are you.

Fred, stop worrying, perhaps its because you have not been in this position before where i'm staring at myself in the mirror into another dimension.

God be with you, may faith be the driving force that enables you/me/everyone to have a heart in this false society. Humility to be known that no matter how successful you are, it can also be taken away in an instant. A heart to care for the broken and needy. A soul to cherish those that you have. A life to know that you've lived it well.

23 years and counting... You've got approximately 60+ more years to make a difference. What will you do Fred? Stall on your tight rope and never reach the end? Childhood innocence will be found in your partner, good friends and your kids - so why worry?