i'll come clean with you, after debating with myself for the longest time, i am not here to blame but lay it out bare for you on how i feel. I am not together with you because,



1. i am not bringing out the best in you.

2. I feel that i am reigned in to a certain extent and to put it frankly - suffocated. i can have friends you know even other girls but it doesn't mean that i will go around sleeping with them. You have to understand this.

3. Everytime i want to approach you, you send me a whole bunch of messages like a flood gate that has been opened and it just washes me away further from you.

4. I want you to be reliant on yourself and as do i, we cannot always be supporting each other in its entirety. We both must know that we can fully take care and support ourselves before we can support others. Clearly we are not fairing too well and it shows.



P.S. Please do not barrage me again with emotionally charged messages after reading this, sit down and contemplate over the points above. I would rather a sharing session as compared to be fully inundated by your messages.

Post secret and Street Angels applications keep me alive to know that there are others out there who are feeling the same and may be in a worse off position as me but they choose to live for their loved ones. Street angels show all the happy faces and beauty in diversity in which God has created. I usually browse all my friends's pages on Facebook to see their happy faces and it calms me down a little to know that they are safe and most of all, happy. Even while I die a little on the inside every day.

Will my death in itself lead to the understanding of people around me to know why I died?

By My Own Hands

By my own hands I will craft destiny, by my own hands to fall upon my own blade as Saul did in the bible. By my own hands I will die.

As Christmas approaches I feel the ever more sense of being alone in this world. A sudden bout of depression seems to be the illness that I am suffering. To have my grandpa slowly die on the hospital bed in front of me doesn't help. Negative as I may seem I think the problems maybe because I don't love myself as much and yet I want to give and show love to the people around me. For 3 years I gave till I literally ran dry. I am not blaming her but I really did give it my all not knowing myself that when I gave, I gave love that was out of zealous self effort. What is left of me now is literally an empty shell, there is nothing to define me other than my IC number and my name. What is wrong Frederick? Can't you live alone without someone beside you? There was once where I told her that I would rather die first in this life for I surely would not be able to bear the burden of seeing my partner or lover pass away - I will literally kill myself the very next day. To withhold a blade from my neck would be... I would do it. I will I know I will. This is one of the many reasons why I chose to leave because I know in your death I will not be able to bear the responsibility and burden to be upon me, to be shoved into reality to face it. It was a double edged sword. There are people out there who genuinely care for me. Thank you. But everytime I see some scantily clad woman walk by I feel a sense of fear. Fear of women. Why must it be that there are so many girls out there who are out to grab your money and to make use of men. I wouldn't just stereotype it to women because there are men like this too but they are, if I may say, less of a concern because I do not date guys and therefore do not open my emotions as much to other guys. I am very raw and tender in my hear as well as my soul. I feel so broken. So so broken and worn to the point that I am numb. The only reason why I do not breakdown is because I use my own self pride and dignity to push it upright again but It will collapse one day. If I do, I hope I do it at the right place at the right time. So much fear in my life that I am letting it rule my life. It is like a guy on Crack, he knows it's bad for him but it's the only thing keeping him sane. Help me, whoever is reading this. I am sick of society's fake mask and how "friends" can say things like, "ok take care, I will be here for you" and then don't give a shit by cutting the rope on you. I will not say this again, I am on the brink of insanity and before I truly put a blade through my throat, stop me and guide me to smell the roses again for I have forgotten where and how do they smell like. The countdown begins to my own death...

As Christmas approaches I feel the ever more sense of being alone in this world. A sudden bout of depression seems to be the illness that I am suffering. To have my grandpa slowly die on the hospital bed in front of me doesn't help. Negative as I may seem I think the problems maybe because I don't love myself as much and yet I want to give and show love to the people around me. For 3 years I gave till I literally ran dry. I am not blaming her but I really did give it my all not knowing myself that when I gave, I gave love that was out of zealous self effort. What is left of me now is literally an empty shell, there is nothing to define me other than my IC number and my name. What is wrong Frederick? Can't you live alone without someone beside you? There was once where I told her that I would rather die first in this life for I surely would not be able to bear the burden of seeing my partner or lover pass away - I will literally kill myself the very next day. To withhold a blade from my neck would be... I would do it. I will I know I will. This is one of the many reasons why I chose to leave because I know in your death I will not be able to bear the responsibility and burden to be upon me, to be shoved into reality to face it. It was a double edged sword. There are people out there who genuinely care for me. Thank you. But everytime I see some scantily clad woman walk by I feel a sense of fear. Fear of women. Why must it be that there are so many girls out there who are out to grab your money and to make use of men. I wouldn't just stereotype it to women because there are men like this too but they are, if I may say, less of a concern because I do not date guys and therefore do not open my emotions as much to other guys. I am very raw and tender in my hear as well as my soul. I feel so broken. So so broken and worn to the point that I am numb. The only reason why I do not breakdown is because I use my own self pride and dignity to push it upright again but It will collapse one day. If I do, I hope I do it at the right place at the right time. So much fear in my life that I am letting it rule my life. It is like a guy on Crack, he knows it's bad for him but it's the only thing keeping him sane. Help me, whoever is reading this. I am sick of society's fake mask and how "friends" can say things like, "ok take care, I will be here for you" and then don't give a shit by cutting the rope on you. I will not say this again, I am on the brink of insanity and before I truly put a blade through my throat, stop me and guide me to smell the roses again for I have forgotten where and how do they smell like. The countdown begins to my own death...

Square and Round

Going to the DNA camp was enriching, i gained a new perspective on the new stepping stone that i should be going onto. A talk with Franco always enriches my life to see how God is working in our lives as well as an insight into deeper matters.

I've always wanted a Godly relationship and have always been trying so hard but what i didn't notice was that i was giving not His love but of my own love through my own self effort to the girl. Many times when a girl comes and is desperate for love i end up giving sympathy and one thing leads to another. What i never noticed was that it was the wrong path because i am trying to fit a round bolt into a square hole that will not fit.

This insight led me to the understanding that... a person i should look for is one that is exploring the concept of marriage and nothing else, not for physical or emotional gains. It's like a lego brick, A lego brick in itself is just a brick, when i come in and attach myself i am still detachable, i do not weld myself or herself to each other. Now please don't get me wrong i am not saying that this give me the license to go around frivolously sleep around.

What i am saying is that we must rely on God's love to give love to one another. If i first do not possess love that is given to me what more to give something that i do not have. A girl that comes desperate to you is one that is not in the right frame of mind, one must be whole before being a whole with another person. You cannot heal others when you're sick yourself - makes sense yeah?

I hope that you are reading this and i've fulfilled the list that you wrote about me, if i have not; i know i will in time to come. If your friends do want to tell you stuff concerning me be it good or bad, it does not concern me because if you would like to hear it straight from me then let me speak and judge me based on me and not by the tinsel that is placed around my neck by the world.

We both loved each other but unknowingly gave till we were dry. For we were not first shown and given love to be able to love each other. Both of us had voids to fill which was wrong for a start for no human will be able to fill that void. We should have just explored the prospects of marriage and to know that we are full and whole in our own right before setting forth upon our journey together. Thank you for being there on this leg of our journey, on my journey to be a better man. Perhaps in the future we will be together again. We will need to be whole again before anything else through his Grace and Love and it right this time around.

P.S Let me just say that your fears were unfounded about me and other girls and i've never cheated nor will i. Beauty in a girl is nothing but a word without His insight.

4th dec post, i do. sometimes.

The Father's Heart

The shoot was great but took a great toll on my body. Today is the seminar of the father's heart and I believe that the more true the gospel is the more fences and boundaries satan puts up to prevent you from finding it out. I am tired, my body refuses to accept food because I have not eaten for over a day. I puke but I am happy to learn that he loves me and leads me on to the truth that I will know, live and experience. You can say that these trying times have produced a better person of me. I won't say that I am bored of having someone tell me that they father loves me. I want to stop being told, I want to start living and experiencing. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and he is calling me and guiding me towards him.