roller coaster life of mine

why do people care, when i myself do not care. to have someone care. to build you up and tear you down... i lie in fear. the fear of trying. to love myself. to love others... people many a times have said that they would want to help me out of this (my horrible character) but always ends up backfiring with them backing out as their limits are not as high as mine. ever wondered why i have so little friends? it is because of my character. i take a very long time to open up to people, decades in fact. i do things that a re natural to me, things that are self centred and things that hurt others, to me it is normal.
strangely enough, people ask me to get lost and point out my flaws but what they do not tell me is How do i change it.
i can be difficult at times, i dont blame you for it or for the way you think i am. i ostrocize myself from the world to void myself of the fear of being stampled upon and at times when i feel threatened my only defence is offence. To stample on someone else brings me happiness to see that person scrawl in fear and to be at tears brings me joy. joy to know that someone else is lower than me. it is my only comfort, if others cannot comfort me, i comfort myself. it may sound sadistic but come to think of it it makes sense doesnt it?

i tend to harden up when people back away from me bacause they've given up on me or cant be bothered. A good friend once told me, your heart is like my palm... it has fingers to reach out to others but when they hurt you start to retract them, slowly one by one they pull back. thus forming a fist. a fist does not feel, does not care and the only thing that it can deliver is a punch in return. you are too fearful to open it up because you fear the pain that you may experience again.

That is me. my heart. a heart so hardened that it does not open. I Dont Know How.

to have me reach out to someone is a big deal to me. i maybe friendly and all, asking your name and all but it is just different when i actually do care (rarely) , it means alot to me.

i have few people i consider friends, namely justin, amy, ben yuan and sam zee. these three i truly trust, they know my rotten character and yet stuck through it, many people would not.

if you want to know me, make sure you want to if not please back off because your in for one wild ride. you better strap in and ride it through.

To someone, if u are serious, i really hope you are, please do not back out on me.

i've always had this stange thought, the one that manages to change this character of mine, ill end up marrying for i am in debted to that girl. maybe thats why looks dont matter that much to me. Oh silly me.

possibilities create the impossible

today was one of the worst days of my life, to actually have karma bite you back in such a way is just... just... coincedentially impossible. sigh.

to you, i thank you for the times we shared with each other that i treasure, i keep our memories dear to me and i am glad to know that we have this special connection between each other from this experience. the world will never be the same, you can say that i treasure her even more after what had happened, to think that she thought so much for me drove both of us into tears for tearing each other apart. i have regretted but yet treasured this incident for if it did not have happened, nothing would have and i will probably give up.

it is there, i am there, it is just not the right time. that night we cried in unison.

love, freddie.