im just restraining myself from turning insane.

TINY!

everyone please meet Tiny.

well yeah i kept his kind before, but all died. one died when he choked on his food, another died because of a fungal infection tt couldnt be cured and e last flew away, i guess too saddened to see e other two die. You see, father birdy and momma bird had a kid, father bird died and the son died due to e fungal infection. and mom couldnt take it no longer and flew away.

but that was years ago.

Now there's Tiny, im just gonna keep him alone, with me.
He's not 4 months old, can tell by his/her black beak. i cant sex him/her cos its cere (fleshy part above the beak) is still pink. As he/she grows older only then can i tell if it is a male (cere will turn blue) or a female (stays pink or any other colour like brown)

anyway went to the bird shop in serangoon, goodwill, and saw three trays filled with little baby birds ahha... so cute... but some were being tampled upon :S they came in many colours, yellows, greens, albinos, violets (1 left), greys (rare) and a light blue guy.... which was tiny.

this little fellow came up to me and peered me with one eye and hoped onto my finger the moment i put my hand into e tray hehe... so he was e one chosen. e auntie kept pointing to me e violet one but i found its character rather.... em... dull... just sitting there like some of e rest.

there were many hyper active ones running around and pecking the others. But Tiny had this charm about him... he didnt mind the pecking he just continued to stare me straight in the eye.

so what if he isnt an english budgie, he's just a plain ordinary joe budgie that has a great character. english budgies are bigger cousins of the south american budgies.
truth is, i've never seen such a blue on a budgie before, so light, almost cyan.... baby blue with grey pied wings.

right now tiny is asleep beside my laptop. i've learnt a few things bout him just in a few hours, he likes being rubbed under his cheeks, he's well rather tame i have to say. doesnt fly around much and loves to bob his head around hehe...

in his tent :)

i still see youplay pen!

playing in an empty paper towel core

trying millet for the first time

curious bout why tt bell tinkles...

hmm... i think i know why :)

banker suffered a fit today.... never seen him in such a terrible state before... your best loyal companion not being able to control his muscles, foaming at the mouth and gnashishing his teeth... i seriously thought he was gonna die. he was suffering so badly that he could not control his excrement. rolling around in his own spit and shit, it was not a sight that i was prepared to see, it tore me apart... it really did. the smell of it all. it still lingers at the back of my mind, almost touching my senses at this very moment, the closest i got to smell death's stench. for me, to know that he has always been by your side for the past decade and to see him in such a state. i dont want him to go. but sooner or later he has to eh...

we rushed him to the vet and put him on an IV drip and sedated him... collecting him tomorrow at noon, hope he's okay... i really do. i think the next fit maybe his last.

it feels awkward without him around in the house, no one to cuddle or someone to happily wait for you by your door when u wake up. i dread e days when it will all come true and forever be true. i had a nagging feeling last night that i should be spending more time with him, so i allowed him into my room and slept beside him. he didnt mind at all, and neither did i. for the first time in 14 years, he slept in my hand, literally... with my hand round his muzzle he fell asleep.

it has been a tough week, submissions, girlfriend left me and now what my companion's down? what could be coming next...

i dont know why she left me, i really dont. i guess she just got bored of me and well her reason is tt she cant handle a relationship now. okay fine i accept it, i just wished that she had come clean with me and faced me face to face and Talked things out, WHY, Because? and What is the Matter that is troubling you. it always can be worked out together... maybe she just chose e easier way out, to dump me altogether. to run solo and shut her doors to me.

ps - to you - all i wanted was for u to be there. you know how much banker means to me. im not saying physically but just be there. i know i maybe an arse sometimes and all but... please understand and please share about ur problems cos i wouldnt know if u didnt communicate with me.

random fact : anchovies suck.... tasted some of it.

hell i was bored and Pissed

1.Honestly what color is your shirt? - yellow
2. Honestly, whats on your mind? - like how the freak am i gonna finish all my 12 plans by tomorrow 0600 with 4 hrs to go
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? - Microstation
4. Honestly, have you ever been in love ? - nope.... cos it always ends fucked
5. Honestly, have you done something bad today? - fed my dog a whole bunch of melt in your mouth sweets and dunked her.
6. Honestly, do you watch disney channel? - nah.
7.Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone? - myself. alone. cos e person didnt care to listen
8.Honestly, are you jealous of somebody right now? - yep... God, cos he gets to get everything
9. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time? - some dumb fuck that wont shut up bout oh how big their abs are or how good are thier grades. i mean once is enough!
10. Honestly, do you bite your nails? - when im nervous
11. Honestly, do you use anyone? - lol yup, my dog as a rag
12. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment? - yeah elmo.
13. Honestly, do you have a friend you don't like? - yep... aw come on im human too
14. Honestly, do you love someone very much? - erm... yes. but then again she doesnt seem to want me.
15. Honestly, does anyone like you? - yeah, my dog banker

DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY *Anger Section*

1. What do you do when you're mad? - i keep quiet and probably break something if im pushed too far
2. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad? - broke my bro's watch...
3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? - yeah.... i know its bad, must learn to control
4. Do you swear when you're mad? - fuck yeah.
5. When was the last time you really cried? - i cant remember....
6. Ever cried yourself to sleep? - yeah i have, when i dreamt of my grandma dying
7. What usually makes you cry? - when i break my leg? or to know tt i've been castrated
8. Are you normally a happy person? - if u dont make me angry.
9. Does being with your friends make you happy? - no no no.... being alone is socially possible and the way to enlightenment. what a stupid question.
10. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you get happy? - hell tt depends.... if its a guy.. O.O i may reconsider.

thank you Lord....

when all hope seem lost... he saved me into his arms he took me.... feeling damn motivated now.... i really have to thank him for all the blessings that he has and have placed on me. sometimes i tend to forget his loving grace upon me. i was feeling so down that i had gotten all Ds and all but just today i recieved news that i'll be going on an exchange trip to Hong Kong City University! i really thank him... i really do.... all glory be to him.

Ds Ds Ds and more Ds

i tried my best. i gave it my all... i dont see why i gave it my best shot yet i can get Ds all Ds for my grades... feeling fucked. yet another blow to me and my progress in my education. one step back from an average of B+ that i have to get into melbourne uni. well ive never gotten a D so far in my studies in poly... i should channel my anger and disappointment into my work. feeling real lousy now. but oh well... shit happens yeah.

i was quite spurred on this morning when the giro letter came in, informing me to pay up for my studies in semester 1. it was over a thousand dollars. for foreign students it was up to eight times higher. i thought to myself, wow i mean my friend is a foreign student, sits next to me in class... i felt that surge of respect for him and yet contempt tt i was singaporean. so blessed. maybe too much to be huddling in my shell. should go through some hardship...

T. pics

first of all.... it still looks like a damn scorpion even after transforming! *feels cheated*

Break dancing! lol

childhood fantasy

TRANSFORMERS! hahahahaha... yeah i know quite random but i watched it twice. first time i watched it i walked out with a swollen bladder and a sense of me just going "woah! the amount of detail" almost impossible to take it all in the first time. well i did notice a few things, like where did barracade go to? u know the police car.... he was driving on the high way but did not make it to the city itself. and the scorpian decepitcon, it survived, im sure it still could fight where did it go to? and when iron hide spoted star scream in the city he was carrying a load of 4 soldiers in his back. surely they could not have gotten off in time to allow him to transform...

well with that over... i wish i had a transformers toy LOL hahhaa.... $99.90. yer crazy fred. with a $99.90 i could get a toy submarine! (looks at the people around him) oops. haha.

flying away

well a friend of mine is flying off to east timor. and this was what i wrote to her.

hi Siew Lee,
well, thank you for not forgetting me. your mail came at just the right time. Its just heartening to know that where men have failed he will not fail me. He sent you to care about me and even ask how i am, not even my cell members.

i was praying for you and i just felt this compassion that God had for you and lishan. i dont know if it is a vision but i could just imagine you and lishan walking the dirt streets of slums, you wearing a dark coloured cap. and both of you just beckoning to people that stood out in front of their houses eyeing both of you with suspicion but yet with such excitement that made the children follow behind in your footsteps. Their houses were made out of zinc, timber and brick, with their finishings still exposed. the necessity of shelter. surely they could not have built them by themselves, they were too.... modular, as if set out in grid formation, the easiest and fastest way to design a house.

i only see two frames in my vision. one where i picture myself in the middle of both of you as you wave and ask the east timor people to come forth from their homes to follow you.

and the next vision is one where you and lishan have continued down the path that snakes to the right with the children of the village in tow as curious parents follow you and their children, curious in nature. almost childlike nature.... who are they? what do they do? why do they bother helping us? what is it that compels them to do this?

im well guessing that you and lishan were off to the community church or some sort.
i dont know but its just a humble message from me :) i just have this impression that some christians exploit God's ways and speak in a manner that is filled with so much passion but yet it is almost like the dressing of a salad and not the soul of the dish itself.

dressings come in only one flavour at a time, veg in a salad comes in all kinds.

anyway, i stumbled across this statement that abraham lincoin said one day, "a pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees opportunity in every diffculty"

thank you siew lee for being part of my life.

yours truly,
Fred

listen!

have u ever been irritated by someone tt would just keep asking questions... clamouring for attention. but u know these kinda people are good in a way tt sometimes in the midst of their barrage of questions, some may enlighten you and your plight to know something new. so i've learnt to just sit back and listen and let them ask.... and listen. just listen :)

till death do us part.