What do you mean, any fool can go to Uni nowadays?

Didn't get on to your first choice course? Never mind, it's time to broaden your horizons.

How about a degree in Fashion Buying at Manchester Metropolitan University? Don't forget to buy an umbrella for when the deluge of job offers arrives in three years time.

Philip Lawrence's Murderer

I don't want to send Learco Chindamo (who stabbed and killed Headmaster, Philip Lawrence) back to Italy next year when he is released. I want to keep him in jail where he belongs.

CBI vs NASUWT -Seconds Away, Round One!

A poll of 507 employers shows that over half think that the English and Maths of school leavers is not good enough.

Chris Keates who is leader of the NASUWT, one of the many teachers unions; disagrees. He says that 'progress in Maths and English over the last ten years has been remarkable'

Who is right?

A Level Results Shocker!

I was very disappointed by the A Level results this year. Mainly because the absence of the following pictures in the press cost me a £20 bet with Mrs C.

1) The group of pretty girls from a nice Private School and their young attractive headmistress, delighting over their superb results.

2) The twins with identical grades.

3) The Chinese boy who only learnt English last month and has got 20 A Levels.

4) Ashley from Scagton, who is the first member of his family ever to go to University.

These pictures were once the Gold Standard of exam reporting. You could depend on seeing them each year at this time. Their absence is the clearest sign yet that the A Level is in serious decline.

Postings will continue to be sporadic until 3rd September, when normal poor service will be resumed.

Here We Go Again.

The Professional Association of Teachers are holding their annual conference for teachers with nothing to do in the holidays.

They have kicked off by passing a motion, demanding the closure of Youtube, source of many a hilarious and/or death defying video, on the grounds that pupils use it to bully them.

The sad and depressing image of fully grown adults claiming once again to have been bullied by children should further convince the general population that we bring most of our woes upon ourselves. Unfortunately they are starting to think that all teachers are like this.

I wonder if Google, who have just paid a couple of billion dollars for Youtube will decide to close it down?

ps Hoorah for the sunny weather at last.

A Disgrace

This article alleges that teachers are helping pupils with their Coursework. This is both illegal and immoral.

I can honestly say that I never gave any pupil unfair help with their coursework unless their parents paid me a decent hourly rate to do so. Teachers doing it for free are completely undermining the integrity of the profession. I have no idea how widespread this problem is but would be interseted in your comments.

Breaking News!

Poor old Shambo is now a burger.

'A' Level Space Invaders

All this talk about qualifications being 'dumbed down' is clearly nonsense. A Media Diploma where pupils are expected to 'critically respond to a range of computer games and discuss why enthusiasts like playing them' is going to be every bit as challenging as boring old Maths, Physics and Chemistry. If you can master 'Printing banners for a party and performing a stand up comedy routine' then top Universities up and down the Country will welcome you with open arms.

Why is anything that contains the word 'Media' always so good for a laugh?

ps I foolishly attempted to drive to Hereford last Friday and ended up spending the night in the car park of a pub on the A44 just outside Worcester as the waters rose all around me. Any readers who've suffered in the recent floods certainly have my sympathies.

Here comes the Summer...

There will be fewer posts over the next few weeks as the last thing any teacher would want in their Summer Holidays is to have me droning on about schools etc.

If you are a teacher then make sure you enjoy your holiday.

If you're not... then that's probably worth celebrating as well.

Now go and buy three copies of my book.

All the best
Frank Chalk

ps There is no truth whatsoever in the rumour that Angela Mason and myself are standing for election to the General Teaching Council next year.

Reality TV

On Crimewatch the other day, half the villains were black, a couple more were Asian and one was white. I don't know how they get away with it. Don't they know that simply isn't allowed?

If the makers of Crimewatch bothered to watch some modern thrillers they would see how things really are, especially if the director considers himself to be 'radical' and 'cutting edge'. All criminals are thuggish looking white men with skinheads and Mr Big the crime boss is a well spoken white gentlemen. There will be a corrupt Police Officer who is easy to spot because he looks a bit funny and never laughs. He is also white with very little hair. There are definitely no Middle Eastern men running round shouting at Allah before going 'pop!'

If I was bald I would definitely sue the makers of these films for discrimination or something innit.

ps. The BBC have denied rumours that they are filming a tv adaptation of 'Tintin in the Congo'

Daily Sport

I think this is a great idea. Five hours sport a week is just what many teachers need.

Oh hang on a minute, it's for the kids. Well, that will be a good thing too. I know I harp on about it, but exercise really does work wonders for their behaviour.

Mind you whether it actually happens or not is a different matter. Halfway down the article we hear about the 'Competition Manager' which sounds like another dodgy made up taxpayer funded job (yes, I have applied to be one).

Hmmm... Maybe not.

This wasn't quite what I had in mind as a suitable Summer Holiday activity to keep the brats out of trouble; but if you happen to have a train ticket to Grindelwald, an old pair of skis and a large kite, then it might be just the thing to while way an afternoon.

Incidentally about halfway through, you can just about make out a circular viewing window in the side of the mountain where the train stops and you can look out. Some people will do anything to avoid paying for a return ticket.

Finally, one top tip from a Health and Safety perspective- Don't forget to take Swiss Francs with you, as Switzerland is not a member of the EU.

Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler...What did they know?

The textbook for the new GCSE Physics syllabus has just arrived at St. Thickchilds.

I read the other day that only 20% of Americans realise that the Sun goes round the Earth. Apparently the figure is similar in the UK except that more people asked what a percentage was.

All you old fashioned 'Heliocentric' teachers should visit this site and brush up on your Astronomy. Here you can learn about geostationary satellites and here you can buy a mug to leave around in the Science Prep Room.

Brace Yourself!

Oh yes! It's that time again. Brace yourselves for the million kids who will shortly be roaming the streets and shopping centres looking for trouble.

Why are they bored? I reckon there are two simple reasons.

If you are over 35, go for a walk around the area you grew up in. Visit the fields and woods that you played in as a kid.

Oh dear, they have all been built over and are now housing estates, car parks or shopping centres.

The second problem is that kids have been spoonfed passive entertainment all their lives in the form of non stop TV, computers and video games, so they have never learnt how to amuse themselves. Therefore the Underclass kids hang round in gangs, setting fire to your garden fence and the Middle Class ones aren't allowed out at all by their over protective parents who firmly believe that a paedophile lurks around every corner.

No wonder the kids are bored. After school activities, 'Yoof Centres' and School Holiday Clubs are all very worthy but most are Dullsville Tennessee. I'd put a shedload of money into activities where kids can actually do things, such as coaching in a wide variety of sports (not just football, let's introduce them to something new) along with organisations which enable them to have a bit of rough and tumble, and get involved in organised chaos. ie Scouts, Guides, Air, Sea and Army Cadet Forces.

Unfortunately none of those organisations will be considered pc enough so I can only advise you to lock your door and keep an eye on that fence.

Boys and Girls

Girls outperform boys at virtually every stage in education nowadays. Why is this and does it matter?

Our entire education system has been altered in recent years to favour girls. There are virtually no male Primary Teachers and even Secondary Teaching is becoming almost a female profession. Boys therefore do not encounter role models or see male figures in authority. The advertisements to attract new teachers do not exactly encourage males to exhibit strong leadership, resilience, toughness or any quality that was once admired as 'manly' but is now seen as 'bullying'. They seem to be trying to attract Social Workers instead.

Behaviour that boys naturally adopt from a young age; ie running around causing mayhem, fighting and shouting is actively discouraged. Boys generally love danger and competition which are seen as taboo.

Girls tend to work conscientiously throughout the year whereas boys prefer to cram for an exam and perform better under stressful conditions. Therefore we have introduced Coursework which many boys don't even bother to hand in and modular courses with numerous minor exams which boys soon get bored with.

Government funded groups and companies such as L'Oreal actively advertise Women in Science. Nobody does a similar thing for men. TV dramas tend to show women in strong roles, triumphing over weak and indecisive men (who always have 'issues'). All in all it's a bit like the 1950s in reverse.

Still. no point in moaning, you can't blame a group for fighting for it's own interests. Maybe I'll start a male emancipation movement (If Mrs C will let me)

Oh My God! What's That?

It was the persistant barking of my faithful dog Humphrey that alerted me to the aliens presence. Shortly after lunch it appeared, a giant glowing ball hovering just above the apple tree halfway down my garden. It made no move to attack us, but I've always found it best not to take any chances.

Being fearless and worldly wise we panicked, ran upstairs and hid under the bed wimpering. Mrs Chalk found us; still cowering, on her return an hour later.

"What are you two doing up here when the sun's out for the first time in weeks?" She said.

ps I'm not sure whether to believe Hill who claims that his Head took down a spoof advert in the staffroom in the Glasgow Herald for a 'Second Hand Jeep Cherokee with a Charcoal interior.'

Bad Science, Great Sales Opportunities!

Having taken inspiration from the decline in Science Education and the site http://www.badscience.net/ I will shortly begin selling my patented WIFI radiation shields to schools across the land. I also hope to install my health giving 'Penta water' vending machines, homeopathic crisps and anything I can think of with the word 'detox' in it.

Heads are queueing up to avail themselves of my consultancy service where for a not so small fee, I can detect whether your school was built on a Ley Line. If this turns out to be the case then you will no doubt wish to invest in my 'Positive Ion Generator' which will counteract any ill effects.

One Science Department has already asked me to come along and demonstrate how I can re align my chakras.

Angela Mason Banned

Angela Mason has been banned by the General Teaching Council from teaching for one year. In case you had forgotten, she did some Supply work and secretly filmed the kids in her classes to show how bad their behaviour was for a Channel Four Documentary. The hand wringers argued that she had 'abused her position of trust and brought her profession into disrepute' or something like that and everybody else thought;

'God I'd like to whack some of these little shits'

Considering that she retired from proper teaching in the 1970s I don't think that she will be unduly worried, although she might be wondering just whose interests does the GTC represent?

John Smeaton

How can anyone resist a visit to the website of John Smeaton, pride of Glasgow Airport?

The arch enemy of Al quiada and Senior Ramp Assistant, Slugger Smeaton now has his own site; where well wishers have so far pledged him over 1000 pints of beer. (Approximately a fortnight's worth in Glaswegian terms).

The apprentice terror group known as 'The Sizzling Sons of Allah' have claimed responsibility for the attack.

ps. I've fixed the link now, sorry.

Remember Physics?

If you live in London and are involved in the teaching of what was once Science, then you might be interested in a meeting on Thursday 5th July at 7 pm in the Plumbers Arms, 14 Lower Belgrave St. near Victoria Tube station. It's purpose is to try and come up with some plans to fight the dumbing down of the subject, which has pretty much turned it from a difficult, rigorous fact based subject requiring mathematical skills into a politicised and knowledge-free debate on nuclear powered, global warming Ozone chemicals innit.

It's organised by David Perks, author of "What is Science Education For?" and contributor to "The Corruption of the Curriculum". Needless to say, I haven't read either book, but go along for a beer anyway.

Poor old Mademoiselle Bois

Thanks to Hill for this story which I missed last week. I hope Mme Bois gets nothing more than a slap on the wrist for being stupid enough to publish under her real name. As always in these cases, she will be criticised for 'using inappropriate language' or some nonsense like that. The Head will never ask the only important question; ie

Is what she is saying true?

It does illustrate the dangers of telling the truth about what goes on in your workplace or saying what you really think.

I'm On Fire

The initial conclusion was that the two nutters who drove into Glasgow airport whilst on fire were not from the UK. On hearing this, I immediately phoned the Head of Counter Terrorism to inform him that all the evidence in fact clearly pointed to a Science education in a British Inner City Comprehensive, as demonstrated by the complete lack of ability to identify and mix the chemicals necessary to create a decent explosion.

One of the pair was however able to debate the climate change implications of air travel with the Scottish Plod until a passing member of the public smashed him in the face. (Rumours that the passerby was the Head of the Glasgow Tourist Board are said to be unfounded)

As all the jails are full and nobody has thought to build a few more, the charred couple will now only be charged with 'Smoking in a Public Place'.

STOP PRESS: The two suspects have just admitted that they met on Friends Reignited

Hands off!

This is he silliest thing I've heard in over an hour.

Meet The Parents

Mrs C returned home on Monday to complain that her school had been flooded. Not by rain but by parents.

It had rained for several hours and by morning break an endless queue of children had driven the secretaries up the wall, demanding to be given permission to go home because they had 'got wet'. (Nobody had made them go outside, I hasten to add and it was perfectly warm and dry inside the school.)

When their demands were not met, many either stormed off the premises or phoned a parent who reacted with the usual outraged indignation, dropped whatever they were doing (whether daytime tv or employment) and drove up to school where they joined in the melee.

The sight of a fully grown (male) adult shrieking that they want to take 'their Jamie home right now' because 'his trousers are wet' is a sad one. Why has a whole part of our society become unable to cope with the slightest misfortune? Were such scenes common in the winter of 1963? The school was not underwater, all that had happened by this time was that some rain had fallen outside. The mobile phone however, enables a wildly exaggerated story to be conveyed to a parent stupid enough not to question it.

Did the Headmaster take a stand, tell all the parents where to go and send the kids back to class? I'll let you have a guess at that one.

However I wish I had been there to see Mrs. C helpfully suggesting to one dimwit that maybe they should make sure young Jamie is sent to school with a coat next time it rains.

Paris Bloody Hilton

I turned on the news this morning to see a helicopter flying over what looked like a swamp. Then the reporter was showing where an elderly man had been drowned, and saying that the body of a thirteen year old boy had just been recovered. Suddenly he was interrupted by the studio girl breathlessly announcing:

"Sorry John, we've got to go to Los Angeles where Paris Hilton has just been released!"

Have we, or have we not got things seriously wrong when the sighting of some halfwit celebrity is clearly considered to be more important than a tragedy?

Stuart Billington's Petition

A shame he didn't get together with Wellington Grey as we have now ended up with two petitions demanding pretty much the same thing.

Still it's better than no petitions, so if you agree with him (ie that science education is in serious danger of becoming a joke) then give him your support here

You can waste many happy hours looking through all the petitions on this site. I have no idea why this one was rejected, or this one either.

Gordon Brown

Here's Gordon Brown from his last ever Mansion House speech last week:

"I want a Britain where there is no cap on ambition, no ceiling on talent, no limit to where your potential will take you and how far you can rise"

I suspect that, just like like Tony Blair's 'Education, education, education!' this one will come back to haunt him. I also think that it will make the perfect back cover quote for my next book, provisionally titled "In The Company of Dwayne'

We Don't Need No Education

Ditching lessons is definitely the way forward; why didn't I think of that before? What we really need is more 'Cultural Understanding' and of course 'Diversity'

If you do visit the Government's e-petitions site, have a look at some of the funnier ones and sign up to get those toerags peddling.

Wellington Grey's Petition

Having only two neurons, I was unable to remember to post a link to Wellington Grey's petition.

He is daft enough to think that Physics should be a rigorous, factual and mathematical study of the Laws that govern our Universe.

We know of course, that it should just be a mindless debate about Global Warming, Biofuels or Nuclear Power. But he seems like a decent chap so humour him and sign up.

One thing is for sure: they won't be teaching 'Science Without The Science' in China.

Lost!

Dear Learning Facilitators and Students,

It is with great regret that I must inform you of the disappearance of the Science questions which we had hoped to use in this year's exams. We are at present unsure of their exact whereabouts, but fortunately we have been able to replace them with some Media Studies questions of equal quality, which we hope you will find satisfactory.

Once again, my apologies and I hope that you will continue to choose us as your 'Science Without the Science' provider in the future.

Yours Faithfully,

T. Lysenko (Head of Curriculum Design, AQA)

Sit Still! (OK don't then.)

Teachers constantly complain (well I do anyway) about how pupils cannot sit still and keep quiet in class. The official reason for this is that our lessons are not interesting enough. The real reasons are as follows:

1) Some have realised that there is no discipline in schools and they can do pretty much what they like. We'll address this one in a future post.

2) Fed on a diet of sugary drinks and snacks throughout the day, many kids are in a constant hyperactive state. To excuse this, a whole load of medical problems have been dreamt up by drug companies eager to sell new products to the gullible. Every register is chock full of acronyms and excuses such as ADD, Bipolar Somethings, Aspbergers, Oppositional Defiance Nonsense and of course ADHD. Here's a handy tip: if your own child is naughty just send a letter to his form teacher with your own impressive sounding disease and his every misdemeanor will be forever excused. It's like the 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card in Monopoly.

3) If I am cooped up all day without taking any exercise I will cause mayhem and go mad. Funnily enough the kids do exactly the same. Many are driven to school and simply forget their kit or waste their time playing table tennis in PE. Nobody dares force them out to do physical activity and so they burn off their excess energy in our lessons.

Ask anyone who has taken a school trip somewhere involving lots of fresh air and physical activity whether there were any problems from the naughty kids after the first couple of days.

Private Schools realise this and make them do sport every day whether they want to or not.

NASUWT

Well done to the NASUWT for denouncing the pet idea of every weak Head. The interview with a couple of kids present as 'representatives of the Student Body'. I'm serious; people in education really do come out with stuff like this.

Just two posts ago I was declaring that common sense had prevailed and now I'm finding something good to say about a Teaching Union. What is happening to me? Maybe I should see a doctor...

Right or Wrong?

This is an interesting one, which raises a whole host of questions.


Were these two suspended for viewing non work related internet sites during work hours, a crime to which I plead guilty, along with just about everone else in the country or are they in trouble for viewing websites related to the BNP?


Would they be in as much trouble if they had viewed another British political party's website? Would the school suspend (or even question) a Muslim teacher caught accesssing the Hamas website, or Osama Bin Laden's own Blog for that matter?

What would happen to a Chinese teacher found reading a Chinese official newspage celebrating the anniversary of the Tibet invasion and the crushing of its populace? How would a Somalian caught reading the latest Jubba Valley Militiamen broadcasts be dealt with?

I wonder whether his Union would defend him to the hilt or abandon him?

What do you think your school would do in a case like this?

At Last!

Hoorah! After reading my post from last November, the Government is scrapping coursework done at home from 2009. Parents will no longer need to do their child's work for them or fork out £30 per hour to pay me to do it.

Common sense has prevailed. I can't believe I'm writing this.

Seems Genuine To Me

Today I was fortunate enough to receive an email from my new friend Mr Guei with some very good news indeed. Ive copied it below:

From:Master Kone Guei

My Good Friend, I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Norway. Presently I am in Norway for investment projects with my own share of the totalsum. Mean while, I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how. Now contact mylawyer in Accra Ghana as I stated below follow his instructions:

Barrister George Okoye Esq.Email: barrister_okoye1957@yahoo.fr Telephone number +233-242-772479. Ask him to send you the check what of $750.000.00 which I kept for your compensation for all your pastefforts and attempts to assist me in this matter and I have appreciated your past efforts at that time very much. So feel free and get in touched with Lawyer Barrister George Okoye and instruct him where to send the check to you.

Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy together after all the sufferness at that time you trying to help me out. at this moment I am very busy here because of theinvestment projects which I and my new partner are having at hand, finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to my lawyer on your behalf to receive the check, so feel free to get in touch with Lawyer Barrister George Okoye to send the check to you without any further delay and try to be honest with him because he is God fearing man.

With best regards,
Master Kone Guei


Being a successful author and dog walker; I don't need the money, so I am offering the opportunity of instant riches to my readers. George Okoye (LawyerBarrister no less) seems like a decent chap, so as Mr Guei says: please be honest with him.

Dedication and perseverance. An example to us all.

Commiserations to poor old Shiv and best of luck next year with your exams and finding the woman of your dreams (under 30 years old)

Why Try To Learn When You Can Shout Out?

The last three posts including the Creation Museum which has about half a million replies so far have provided the background for this one.

There is little point in having a debate on the pros and cons of nuclear power if we don't understand nuclear fission, half lives and radioactivity. Even less point if we don't have the faintest clue as to what an atom is.

Neither can we argue about Creationism without an understanding of Astronomy, Genetics, Physics and Geology.

If we try to do so, then we are simply giving worthless opinions. ie ones that are not based on any sound knowledge. This is what our modern curriculums are encouraging, with their emphasis on debate before learning.

The problem is that it is difficult and time consuming to study and understand these concepts. Learning from a textbook and practising questions isn't fun or fashionable so it will never be popular.

Far better to just blurt out the first thing that comes into your head and try to win the argument by shouting louder than your opponent or hurling abuse. That's what I've always found, anyway.

Increasingly Political

In a similar vein to Wellington Grey's plea in the last post for the safe return of his subject, here is a report which makes a good case for their claim that the curriculum is becoming increasingly political.

Lost: The subject of Physics

Here's an excellent letter from a Physics Teacher begging for the safe return of his subject.

And I have found the missing 'j' from my title.

Noah'm Not Afraid Of A Tyrannosaurus

If I manage to flog my book to an American Publisher then you can rest assured that I shall make a beeline for the $25 000 000 Kentucky Museum of Creation. (I shall of course leave my firearms outside as per the conditions of entry)

I had never realised that 6000 years ago there were vegetarian dinosaurs all over the place who played happily with little cave children. (Or 'Children of Non Artificial Dwelling Homes' as we must now call them.)

If I've got time, I might also try to see the Grand Canyon which apparently was carved out in a couple of days by Noah's flood. He made a wise move only taking baby dinosaurs on his ark as a fully grown Brontosaurus might be a bit heavy.

I didn't know that all the fossils came from this flood as well, along with plate tectonics, volcanic activity, and all other geological phenomena. It's been a real eye-opener for me. And to think I was teaching it completely wrong for all those years.

No Logo

If, like me you think the Olympic Logo is worth slightly less than the £400 000 the design company was paid (I can't even read it and since when has pink been our National Colour?)

Mrs. Chalk got her class to design logos a few weeks back and some were really good. One in particular stood out for reasons I could not pin down until I realised that it was unfortunately based around the digits '2 0 0 1 2'

I would give absolutely anything to have this as our Olympic Games Symbol.

Physics...Whassatt then?

Here's an article which shows what's happening to Science Teaching in the UK.

CASE (Campaign And Science Engineering) seem to have their heads screwed on and all credit to them for exposing the lack of properly qualified Science Teachers. I think they used to be called 'Save British Science' (BSS) Here's their website if you want to join.

I shall sleep soundly tonight knowing that we have enough Drama Teachers though.

Forlorn Hope

If you are born into the Underclass, doomed to attend a dustbin of a school, then a career in the Army might well be your only ticket out of the slums.

Yes, you might be shot by some toerag in Iraq or Afghanistan; but if you remain in the Estate from Hell, then you stand an equally good chance of being shot by a rival drugs dealer or ending up behind bars for most of your life.

The EIS would like to remove your only hope of escape.

Much More Fun

Sorry about the link on the last post, I can't get it to work. Never mind, you'll enjoy this a lot more. Stick it on full screen and watch Joe Kittinger's 1960 balloon jump from 102 000 feet.

Some of it is from the balloon camera, some of it is from his helmet. All of it is pretty outrageous. You can see the curvature of the Earth as he tumbles around. He was timed by radar at over 600 mph.

It was part of a series of jumps at the time of the Mercury project to see if the astronauts would have a chance of surviving a bailout if something went wrong just after takeoff.

Where, oh where do they get them from?

Look at this clown

Why is it that in times like this, when we are in desperate need of tough, no nonsense leaders who can face down parents, back up good staff to the hilt and rule with a rod of iron; all we get is the helpless and the hopeless?

Here's the link:

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23399088-details/Headmaster%20No,%20children...call%20me%20'lead%20learner'/article.do

Cheltenham Races

Just to prove that I'm always behind the times, here's a story that's ten days old.

They spent £1624 of their training budget on a day out at the races. What an absolute disgrace. They should have wasted it on Inset training instead.

That money could have been used to hire a group of odd looking people from the Council to hold some 'Diversity Training'. It could have funded half a dozen experts with large earings and funny shoes to conduct a workshop on 'Gender Awareness', 'Behaviour Management' or 'Different methods of Learning'.

Instead they chose to blow the lot on the gee-gees.

I hope they had a great day out and well done to the Head for showing some initiative. If it had been me, I'd have spent next year's training budget on champagne as well.

Internet Recommendations

The internet is a vast and confusing place. Here are some sites that I've used and been impressed with. Send in you own recommendations or feel free to slate mine. Let's try and get a top ten list of sites which are really good.

Try Laterooms for hotel rooms (Worldwide) up to a year in advance. I've used it twice and you get a huge discount off the room rate. You can read reviews of the place which hopefully haven't been written by the management.

Confused.com will almost certainly find you a cheaper insurance quote for your house or car. You have to type in endless tedious details, but it's probably worth it. I renewed my house insurance for little more than half what I was paying before. If you manage to get a good deal, please be so kind as to send me a cheque for 10% of whatever you save.

ps I've now got my car insurance with them also.

Take a look on tripadvisor to see whether your 'quiet and romantic' hotel is actually above a nightclub or has a nice view of an oil refinery. There is obviously some debate as to the validity of the comments but I've found it spot on.

cdwow! have sold me cheap cds and dvds which actually arrived.

Flickr is a great place to find photos of just about anywhere. Print them out and pass them off as being from your last Round The World trip.

Google Maps is astounding. Zoom right in on your own house and...wait a minute- that's not my car in the driveway and who is that with Mrs C?


Bonusprint do online photo printing. I've used them half a dozen times and they are great. Top quality even for large blow-ups and very fast. Make up a nice calender and give it to Granny for Xmas (your Granny, not mine)

None of the above sites are paying me a penny for these recommendations, but I can assure you that they would get far better reviews if they did.

More Selection but Different

Several times in these ramblings, I've proposed creaming off the top 10% or thereabouts of kids, regardless of background and providing them with a decent education. (Grammar schools if you like) No mainstream political party supports this idea.

Here's another one they won't like either.

There is another group that we simply can't cope with, who are also deserving of special treatment. These are the kids who destroy every one of your lessons, are running wild at night terrorising the local inhabitants, and who are basically out of control. They vandalise and steal cars, burgle houses, mug people and generally cause mayhem. I could spend forever discussing the reasons why, but I'm more interested in getting them out of your classroom. (Actually the reason why they behave like they do is very simple; it's great fun and there is no reason for them not to.)

'Borstal' is one of many words that you simply cannot mention in polite educational circles. Let's call them something different then. Most 'initiatives' for naughty kids have extremely cool names invoking sport, fast cars and success. Let's call them 'Second Chance Turbo-Charged Rides For Winners' (feel free to suggest better names).

Heads would have to justify sending their little brats to these establishments but they should never be made to feel that doing so will count against them in any way. The regime would consist of early starts, lots of hard physical outdoor work, education and discipline. Exactly the same as basic training in the Army but perhaps we won't teach them to shoot straight though.

After six months if they have behaved, they leave, hopefully having gained the following

1) Able to read and write better
2) Able to make their own bed, keep themselves presentable and clean
3) Able to get to where they should be on time
4) Able to communicate with an adult
5) Maybe, just maybe discovered that they could actually do something for the first time in their lives.
3) Determined not to return because it was pretty unpleasant.

And you have had six months without them.

Somebody will be in trouble.

When I read this article I was appalled. Shocked to my very core.

How can anyone be so stupid as to leave such a valuable document lying around in the street?

A representative from the school today confirmed that they had visited Mrs Scroggins to apologise for describing her as 'quite rough' in the report and that she had accepted their offer of a large bottle of tequila and 200 fags as a goodwill gesture.

They added that the comment will be changed in future editions to 'very rough'

No Escape For You, Ashley.

David Willetts, the Conservative education spokesman announced last week that his party did not support any kind of academic selection and that Grammar Schools were the instruments of the Devil. (Conveniently forgetting that he wouldn't have had a chance of ever getting his own job if he hadn't been fortunate enough to go to one himself.)

David Cameron (Eton) hurried to enthusiastically support him. He certainly doesn't believe that some children should have a better chance than others.

It's all about as convincing as me claiming to be off with stress. No doubt it is just some clever political move, as these announcements always are.

Read the third paragraph in this article to see just how bright this Willets bloke really is. If you happen to be a Head in a crummy school, nervously expecting a visit from on high, then simply hire a string quartet for the day, get them to wear your school's uniform and you will have no difficulty pulling the wool over the visitor's eyes. Money well spent.

Academic selection is the only way out of the slums for many poor but bright kids. It really is the only chance they will ever have. Academic schools attract academic teachers, inner city hell holes do not; they attract those who are very good at controlling unruly pupils and those who simply could not get a job anywhere else. Let's not pretend that anything other than riot control and baby sitting go on in these places.

I'm not big on personal anecdotes as they are rarely significant. However here's one for you.

In 1952 my father passed his eleven plus and went to a grammar school where he was given an education that was better than I received from my Comprehensive 25 years later. He was from a working class background as were many others in his school. If I had stayed in the same area my children would have to go to a school which is now far worse. This neatly sums up the decline over the last half century.

For 99% of people nowadays their future is sealed from the moment they are born. Infant schools now have behaviour problems unheard of thirty years ago which disrupt their efforts to teach reading, writing and basic sums, all that young children really need. A much broader curriculum which insists on them being taught unnecessary gumf further hinders the teachers' efforts. Therefore it is left to the parents to teach the basics, which further increases the divide between those with good ones and those whose parents couldn't give a toss.

The kids who are bright at 5, 8 or 11 would benefit from an academic education and ought to be given the chance of one. The ones who aren't should be given the chance to do non academic stuff that might at least hold some interest for them, rather than the present system of ever larger schools trying and failing miserably to cope with an ever greater range of abilities. However, it doesn't seem like anyone likely to get into power in the near future agrees.

Sorry, We Cannot Take Your Call Right Now...

Bring-Bring, Bring-Bring...

"Congratulations for correctly dialling the number for St. Thickchilds School! Your call is important to us, so please select from the following options:

If you are unsure about the specific nature of your complaint, but would just like to moan, press One

If you are phoning to let us know that all the teachers are picking on your child, press Two

If you wish to make a false allegation against a teacher; press Three, or contact 'Ambulance Chasers' on 0870 565 8484. We will not be able to tell you which solicitor is best for suing us.

If you have a ludicrous excuse for why your child has been absent, press Four. Please note that we are unable to suggest one for you.

If you would like to know why your child is not allowed on the school trip to Scagton, press Five

If you would like to request a School Permission Slip to allow your child to spit on pedestrians whilst travelling on the school bus, press Six.

If you would like to verbally abuse a specific teacher; press Seven, or simply race up to school and demand to see them immediately.

If your child is socially inept and would like to change forms yet again, press Eight

If it is a crucial time in your child's education and you would like to request two weeks off to go on holiday, press Nine

If you are a parent who appreciates the efforts we make to educate and discipline your child then hang up and do not try again later."


With due regards to the teachers from Pacific Palisades High School, California

Good Advice, even if I say so myself.

'Perfectionist'
'Obsessive'
'Overly dedicated'
'Concentrates on every Detail'
'Works too Hard'
'Unable to let go.'
'Unwilling to Delegate'
'A Constant Worrier'
'The School is his Life'

None of these phrases have ever been used to describe me, I can assure you; but they are applicable to many teachers. 'Vocation' is a word used by employers to describe jobs that are poorly paid for the hours they demand and have awful working conditions.

When you are near the end of your life, will you look back and think "I wish I'd spent more time on my marking"? 'Course you won't.

Teaching is one of those jobs where you could work 24 hours a day for your entire career if you chose to, but when you drop dead of exhaustion, nobody will ever thank you.

My advice for what it's worth is:

Teach what's important as best as you can, do the odd 'out of school activity' and go on the occasional school trip. Get some exercise and fresh air every day and make sure you have a few outside interests or hobbies that are nothing to do with school.

Every so often look back on the last couple of years and ask yourself: "Do I really enjoy this?"

If the answer is 'No' then go and do something else. It's easy to get trapped in something that isn't right for you because change is always more difficult than carrying on doing the same thing. Life is simply too short to spend it doing something you don't enjoy and few people realise this.

If however the answer is a resounding 'Yes!' then remind yourself each day how incredibly lucky you are, put a big smile on your face and say a cheery hello to Mr Grumpy in the Staffroom.

Study Leave

In many schools the Year 11 leave this Friday on what is laughingly called 'Study Leave' but which should more accurately be known as 'Playstation Holiday' It is nothing more than an opportunity to make an early start on the summer crime spree.

As the great day approaches, teachers at the Nations Crummiest Schools face important decisions...

Do I take my car on the last day? Will Dwayne know which one mine is and take a horrible revenge for my attempts to instill some discipline in him over the last five years? How far from school should I park in order to hide it? Will the school pay for any damage? If Shane throws an egg at me, can I punch his lights out?

Take my advice and get yourself a wireless cctv camera from Maplins (the type Ashley installs near cashpoint machines to record your PIN) Have it watching over your car and recording any wrongdoing. That will certainly spoil Wayne's day when he ends up in front of the Magistrate to be let off with a caution.

To be honest your best hope is that it rains heavily.
Best of Luck!

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You Not To Do This...

Thanks to Nick for this story.

If your judgement is ever called into question, just reply: "Well it's not as bad as theirs" and you should be fine.

Teaching Instructors

I've been trying to find out the extent of this for a while.

Basically people are taken on by schools as 'Teaching Instructors'. They cover lessons but have the work set for them and do not mark it. They must have a degree but do not need any other qualification.

Here is an article about it (with some interesting comments at the end)

I finally met someone who was working as a 'Teaching Instructor' recently. He had graduated the previous year and was doing it as short term employment whilst he 'worked out what he wanted to do with his life'.

He said that the work was always set for him and he hadn't been asked to mark anything. He told me that the SMT bloke hiring him explained that he was basically a 'Supply Teacher but Cheaper'

He started off covering the subject he had a degree in but after a week, the school offered him work doing general cover. He was paid £95 per day and had been working for three months. He told me that "It's been interesting but there's no way I'd go into teaching". He was incidently, very impressed by the 'real teachers' he had met. (Except for me, I suspect)

It does raise a few interesting points:

1) How widespread is this practice? I think there are probably thousands of them, but I cannot say for certain.

2) Presumably the parents have no idea what is going on.

3) How different is this situation from having Supply Teachers? I regularly covered subjects that I knew nothing about for weeks on end.

4) How on Earth did this get to happen without the Unions doing anything effective to stop it?

5) Would you be happy going to see your doctor and hearing "Dr. Jones is away today but I'm a 'Medical Instructor'. What seems to be the problem?"

Hide Your Tape Now!

Here's something else you'd probably better not do today. I suspect the incident didn't actually resemble a Hollywood kidnapping, with screaming, threats and an entire roll of gaffa tape, but was probably a gentle and harmless bit of fun. It was nothing more than a light hearted way of trying to remind the children to sit quietly and listen. (Which is doubtless frowned upon nowadays anyway)

Needless to say the reaction is hysterical and you can already see one of the parents angling for the 'allergy' angle. No doubt 'trauma and distress' will soon follow, which can only be soothed by a large out of court settlement.

I have just come off the phone to my parents and we are preparing our own legal battle for justice over a similarly brutal event that has traumatised me since 1972. I knew education would make me rich somehow.

Teaching Toughness This Week

Have a read of this and try not to laugh (or cry when you consider the cost of sending all those teachers to the USA). It would be a hell of a lot better to teach kids that when you are told to do something, you actually have to. Sorry, that idea's a bit too radical.

You can only imagine the sort of guff Prof Seligman can come out with. I just wish Chalk Enterprises had come up with the idea first.

Hang on a minute. Weren't we Teaching Happiness last week? Just make sure you don't get them mixed up.

ps There's some new links on the sidebar to various 'Rate My' things

Scrounging Gits

Two familiar problems are in the news again:

1) Kids making false allegations against teachers.

2) Scrounging parents pursuing compensation claims against schools knowing that it will cost them nothing with a solicitor willing to work on a 'no win, no fee' basis.

I went through a few examples in my book, but basically the problem as with so many others in teaching, boils down to 'lack of backbone'

Ask yourself the following:

1) Why do Local Authorities not adopt a policy of fighting every case in Court, rather than paying out almost automatically. It might cost something to start with, but long term there would be savings as spurious claims would dry up overnight.

2) Why don't Heads and Local Authorities insist on prosecutions of claims shown to be fictitious. This is perfectly feasable on the grounds of either 'Perverting the Course of Justice', 'Wasting Police Time' or 'Conspiracy to defraud'. Even if the CPS refuses, there is nothing stopping them taking out a civil case. Again, expensive for a very short while until after a couple of prosecutions, dodgy claims don't seem so appealing.

3) For something that can be done immediately- why doesn't every teacher in a school simply refuse to teach any pupil who makes an allegation later found to be false? Those in charge might bluster but they would always back down against a united staff.

The policy of 'Hit hard and you won't have to do it for long' has been known since ancient times. It's so much better than simply lying down.

The Man on the Telly

After some high powered negotiations; (they make an offer and I say "What does that word mean?" I have managed to sell the TV rights to my book. Hoorah!

Now these things take a long time to come to fruition ('Life on Mars' took seven years!) but hopefully one day we will all be able to watch Mr Chalk on the telly.

Now I don't get to have the last word on what gets made, so I suppose we could all end up as a bunch of elves, or floating around on a space station. However, the production company seem like a decent bunch to me so I'm sure everything will be fine.

No Playground? Where Are They Supposed To Have Fights?

Whoever came up with the idea of the brand new Thomas Deacon City Academy in Peterborough is mad in three different ways.

1)£46 million to build it. Someone's making a fortune out of that.

2)2200 pupils is far too big. We should be moving in the opposite direction; to smaller schools where the teachers can get to know every child. Kids just become anonymous in a place that size.

3) Building a school without a playground is the craziest thing of all. Boys especially need to burn off suplus energy at breaktime and lunchtime otherwise they cause mayhem in your lesson. The Head, Alan McMurdo has clearly lost the plot. He reckons:

"They won't need to let off steam because they won't be bored"

Hmmm... They will be the first kids in history then.

Step Away From The Refrigerator!

Miss Wade heaves herself out of her chair on the other side of the staffroom, wittering about how she has requested a new padlock for her store cupboard. "It's a padlock for her fridge she needs if you ask me" I foolishly mutter to the table I am sitting on.

Guardians flutter, hands wring and there is a hushed chorus of "You can't say that!" along with vague suggestions that some people who are absolutely enormous might have a medical condition. I'll say they do- compulsive bloody eating that's what.

It's not so much a case of spotting her out of the corner of my eye- she's filling my entire visual field. I can actually see light bending around her. As she finally manages to stand up, a tv remote falls out from where it had been trapped in a wobbly fold. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a kid stuck in there as well. She is clearly one cream bun away from a gastric explosion. When viewed from sideways on she appears to either be wearing one of those medieval hooped dresses underneath her straining trousers or have a shelf protruding from her waist. I might try and sit on it to get a free lift.

Believe it or not she is about to go and teach 'Healthy Eating' as part of PSHE (Personal Social and Health Education). There is a certain irony here; how do the kids keep a straight face? It would be like me teaching them Diplomacy.

No Windsurfing Allowed

Several years ago as a young teacher I knocked on the Headmaster's door, went in and sat down, exchanged a few pleasantries then asked if I could have Wednesday afternoon off to go windsurfing.

As his eyes widened I explained how I just could not get the hang of that turn where you move to the back of the board, pull the sail round and try to go into the wind. I just fell in every time. A friend would be free that day and with his help and a few hours practice maybe I could get the hang of it.

Think of it as personal development, I added hopefully.

Ignoring his look of utter disbelief, I explained that Mrs. Jones had been allowed an afternoon off last Xmas to watch her son take part in a Nativity play, Mrs. Smithson had been off last week to look after her daughter who was ill and Miss Wade was away pretty much permanently. I had never had a day off for anything, so come on, just one afternoon...

Mr. Morris told me not to be so ridiculous and chucked me out.

"You just can't" was his final reply.

What's the daftest thing anyone has actually been allowed time off for at your school?

Good Title Suggestions Welcome

Fadi has obviously heard that teacher recruitment is getting ever more desperate...

Another Great Day for Justice

It seems pretty obvious to me that poor old Mr D.D. is simply a keen plane spotter. Why else would he happen to have a map showing where secluded footpaths offer a good view of the flight paths out of Birmingham Airport?

Just because one of his brother in laws was involved in the Madrid Train Bombings and the other in the Casablanca ones, does not mean that we should jump to conclusions. You meet a nice girl and maybe her family seem a bit odd but...

When D.D. first arrived in the UK, his passport unfortunately had somebody else's name on it. Mind you, it's easy to pick up the wrong one by mistake. I've done it myself.

D.D. (we are not allowed to know his real name, as he isn't a teacher accused of touching up a teenage girl) has adapted well to life in his new country, enthusiastically taking up Website Design (admittedly they generally seem to be about martyrs and bombs, but we all have to start somewhere)

His friend A.S. is; like many pupils I taught, 'Picked on by all the Countries'

In his case, Italy and Libya would like to put him in detention.

Fortunately Justice Ouseley is having none of that and has let them both go free.

Shami Chakrabati of Liberty and Amnesty's Kate Allen will be out on the town with them later tonight celebrating another victory for Britain. Hoorah!

A Pig In A Poke

Have a read of this article. Good job it could never happen here...

Angela Mason

Angela Mason has made the fatal mistake of drawing attention to major problems rather than ignoring them. She must therefore be punished.

Long Live The GTC!

(Incidently the GTC, like the TES 'felt that they could not support' our petition for a bit of school discipline earlier this year)

Rate My School

I've never been particularly bothered about the Rate My Teacher Site, I'm more concerned that we seem to be attracting too many under confident, over sensitive teachers who give a damn about the misspelt ramblings of disaffected kids with nothing better to do.

Have a look at Rate My School. It's only just got going, so there aren't many comments yet, but the ones I saw seem to have a common SMT theme...

Or simply vent your frustrations at my rather more modest offerings Rate My Pupil and Rate My SMT

Telling Stories

She's in trouble for telling her story. She's £100 000 richer for telling hers.

The CEHR

Hooray! Not only has the weather been lovely all week, but the new Centre for Equality and Human Rights (CEHR) will soon be up and running with an annual budget of £70 million per year to spend wisely.

Inside the beautiful new Headquarters, recently refurbished at a cost that would make your eyes water, officials dined on caviar and rare quails eggs; whilst outside a spokeswoman explained to reporters exactly how the new organisation would work:

"Our primary aim is to come up with at least 23 new words ending in 'ism' by the end of 2007. Everybody in Britain today has a duty to be a victim of one sort or another (apart from white males in good health, whom we intend to crush beneath our feet.)

We also have a target of 200 phrases per year to ban. For example I could have said earlier that we 'intended to hit the ground running' but this would obviously be derogatory to anyone who is wheelchair bound; sorry 'disabled' I mean, 'differently enabled'.

Er.. anyway we are determined to introduce enough new legislation to drive every one of Britain's Small Busnesses into bankrupcy. Maternity Leave, Paternity Leave and Fraternity Leave- all will extended until you beg to be allowed back to work."

At this point a menial dashed out of the building and approached the speaker, clutching a note in one hand (and a champagne glass in the other.) She quickly read it and announced triumphantly:

"I told you we would hit the ground running, I mean wheeling. The first two new 'isms' have arrived.

'Sophorism' will be the act of discriminating against an employee who is always asleep." (Applause from inside the building)

"And from this day onwards; 'Nihilism' will mean discriminating against employees who have the misfortune not to exist.' The penalties for infringement will, I assure you; be severe.

Now, down on your knees and worship me you dogs!"

At this point the aide remembered an important appointment and she was hurriedly escorted back inside.

I Said He'd Sue!

It's not often I get anything right, so a big thanks to good old Leroy for helping me out.

'Coleman's lawyer, Raymond Wigell, said his client did not plan to return to the education field and was considering legal action against whoever planted the camera' - Chicago Sun Times 16th April 2007

Meanwhile a third teacher has resigned from the school after discovering that she had made a guest appearance on Leroy's DVD. She was quoted in today's Illinois Tribune as saying:

'I won't be taking this lying down.'

The paper also reported that a group of concerned mothers gathered outside the school gates to 'demand further action.'

I'm not quite sure what they meant by that, but I can only hope that it doesn't involve any more of Leroy's antics.


Here's a picture of the Principal with one of the few Illinois women he won't be sleeping with for a while.

Teaching Unions

Every year at Easter time the various Teachers Unions hold their annual conferences. The purpose of these meetings is to provide the Daily Newspapers with stories which convince their readers that teachers have completely lost the plot and should not be entrusted with the education of children.

A couple of posts back we looked at the ATL doing their bit to make us look like a bunch of clowns by suggesting that kids need to be taught 'different ways of walking'. This set a high standard for the NUT to follow but they rose to the challenge. Baljeet Ghale, the union’s president refused to be beaten and promptly declared that teaching pupils British values is racist.

The NASUWT were in serious danger of being left behind until their general secretary Chris Keates, scored the winner by declaring that the TV Series 'Life on Mars' was Public Enemy No. 1

In a joint effort, everybody condemned selection by academic ability, claimed that teachers were being constantly bullied by each other and fainted dead away at the idea of paying good teachers more than rubbish ones. The newpapers all sent letters of thanks to each Union for once again providing first class entertainment.

Meanwhile all the normal teachers stayed at home and enjoyed the unexpected sunshine.

Leroy's 'Hands on' approach

Hope you all enjoyed the Easter holiday.

If you should happen to get called into the Head's office tomorrow, better hope that they've not been taking a leaf from Leroy's unique management style. The poor chap apparently misunderstood the idea of a 'Top Down' approach and is hopefully suing the Illinois Department of Education for any embarrassment that he has suffered.

Mind you; unlike many Heads he certainly can't be accused of being 'distant' or 'out of touch' with his staff.

Daft Bats

Thanks to 'Nick' for the PFI story. Basically there seems to be three rules of Private Finance Initiative (the modern clever way to build schools)

1) You don't get what you were promised.

2) It's made of cardboard.

3) Nobody takes the PFI company to task for not doing what they originally promised.

Anyway in Nick's school they've found bats nesting in the roof so no further work can take place as the building company risk a fine of up to £3000 for every bat death which can be shown to be down to their work. The Council have sent the 'Bat Lady' to compile a report. She stays overnight in the building and listens carefully for evidence of the little fellows and searches for bat droppings (I'd started laughing by now, too). My question is this:

If she does come across a bat poo or manage to record nocturnal bat noises, does she phone up the Council on the bat mobile?

Hope you have a nice Easter. No posts next week as I'm away.

Strange Powers

The Law giving teachers magical new powers came into effect yesterday, but as we're on holiday we must wait awhile before getting completely carried away.

It sounds like a step in the right direction, but as with all things, let's look at the reality. ie what difference will it make when Ashley doesn't turn up for his detention for the 20th time?

Because many journalists are bone idle, the extent of these powers depend on which paper you read. To prevent you from inadvertently giving Wayne a detention on Christmas Day, I have had a look at the bill itself and discovered the following:

Basically you can give a detention after school or on Saturday or Sunday during term time. (Great!) BUT you must still give 24 hours written notice to parents (and if they are crafty they could appeal that you haven't taken into account their travel needs)

You can also use 'reasonable force' to prevent Shane from doing anything particularly naughty. (as long as it's on school premises or somewhere where you are in charge of him ie a school trip). You can't give him a clout as a punishment however.

You can also tell Shazney to hand over her mobile phone although there is little guidance on how to handle the ensuing refusal.

Have a read for yourself here (if you are finding it hard to sleep) Download and click on 'Behaviour, discipline and zzzz....) None of it seems much different from what you can already do. I can't find anything that backs up some of the wilder claims in the news.

Or buy 'It's Your Time You're Wasting' for details of an alternative discipline policy.

The ATL Comedy Conference

Silly me; wrong again. I had naively thought it would be a few days before the Association of Teachers and Lecturers' Conference gave me something funny to write about.

They have hit the ground running; proposing on Day 1 that that children should be taught to walk in different ways. This is great stuff. I'd always thought that people who went to these meetings were either having affairs or needed to get a hobby, but now I understand the attraction. Martin Johnson is clearly a comic genius and if he can keep this standard up all week then he will have Peter Kay quaking in his boots.

Anyway if you want to join them, (and they all look very happy on the website) then here's the link:

http://www.askatl.org.uk/atl_en/join/default.asp

Alan's Quote

Alan Johnson today:

'Ofsted has done a report on behaviour in schools and it states that in the vast majority of schools behaviour is good.'

I'd say that the vast majority of kids are pretty good, but the problem is that those who aren't know that they can do whatever they like.

Here's a bit from the Observer you might be interested in.

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,2047510,00.html

ps The ATL Annual Conference starts today so there's bound to be something funny to post by the end of the week.

Truancy

We are all simple creatures at heart. If doing something which is easily discovered, carries a severe penalty and the likelihood of that penalty being carried out is a certainty, then funnily enough we are less likely to do it than if there is no real deterrent.

The Government has spent a fortune on 'initiatives' to combat truancy. Todays figures show it might as well have been poured down the drain.

Whenever words like 'combat' are used to describe a new idea, with its suggestion of strong decisive action; you can be sure that it will be nothing of the sort.

I reckon the best thing to do would be to talk a bit tougher and start 'Waging War on Truancy'

Intervene?

Man of the People, David Cameron; said yesterday:

'If children are misbehaving we should say something. If we're met by a volley of abuse then other adults have a duty to intervene. We don't want to live in a walk-on-by society.'

This is absolutely right, however if unlike Mr Cameron; you aren't fortunate enough to have a bodyguard or two, then intervening can often lead to a beating or worse. Peter Woodhams discovered this, as have many others.

Mind you; if you are lucky enough to escape or get the better of these 'misbehaving children' then rest assured the present legal system will ensure that you are prosecuted for something.

Oh Happy Day!

Today is clearly my lucky day as the following email arrived this morning:


CONFIDENTIAL PROPOSAL FROM
MR,IBRU,KUMAR,
THE CHIEF AUDITOR INCHARGE,
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK (ADB).
OUAGADOUGOU
BURKINA FASO.
WEST AFRICA.

Dear Partner,

I presumed that all is well with you and your family. Please let this do not be a surprise proposal to you because i got your contact information from the international directory in few weeks ago before i decided to contact you on this magintude and lucrative transaction for our future survival in life. Moreover, i have laid all the solemn trust in you before i decided to disclose this successful & confidential transaction to you. I AM MR.IBRU.KUMAR THE CHIEF AUDITOR INCHARGE OF FOREIGN REMITTANCE UNIT of our bank and i have had the intent to contact you over this financial transaction worth the sum of NINTEEN MILLION, THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($19,300,000.00 ) for our success.This is an abandoned sum that belongs to one of our bank foreign customers who died along with his entire family through plane crash disaster since few years ago.

Meanwhile i was very fortune to came across the deceased file when i was arranging the old and abandoned customers files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official re-documentation and audit of the year against 2007. Be informed clearly that it was stated in our banking rules and regulations which was signed lawfully that if such fund remains unclaimed till the period of 5 years started from the date when the beneficiary died, the money will be transferred into the treasury as an unclaimed fund.

As an honour and advantage bestowed to our foreign customers base on the rules guideing our bank, it was stated obviously that if you are not a Burkina Faso citizen, you have the absolute authority to claim the fund hence you are a foreigner despite your differences from the country of origin of the deceased. So the request of you as a foreigner is necessary to apply for the claim and transfer of the fund smoothly into your reliable bank account as the NEXT OF KIN OR EXTENDED RELATIVE to the deceased.

On the transfer of this fund into your account, { 39% } being ( US$7,527,000.00) will be your share in respect of the account provision and your assistance rendered during the transfer of the fund into your bank account,{ 52% } being (US$10,036,000.00) will be my share being the codinator of the transaction while the rest { 9% } being (US$1,737,000.00) will be shared to the respectable Organisations Centers such as Charity Organisation, Motherless Babies homes, and helpless disabled people in the World.

If you are really sure of your trustworthy, accountability and confidentiality on his transaction, contact me and agree that you will not change your mind to cheat or disappoint me when the fund have getting into your account. Besides you should not entertain any fear because i am sure of the success as an insider in the bank ok. Please reply with the assurance, include your private telephone and fax numbers necessary for facilitate an easy communication in this transaction. I expect your urgent communication.

Yours sincerely,
mr,ibru



What good luck for me to have been selected out of all the people in the World who are not citizens of Burkina Faso!

I think we can trust Mr Ibru, as he is the Chief Auditor Incharge in a country whose banking reputation is beyond reproach. As I do not need the money (having recently invested in a Nigerian Pyramid Selling Scheme), I am passing on this opportunity to any reader who wishes to take advantage of this 'lucrative transaction for our future survival in life'

If however you would feel guilty at profiteering from the poor people who died in that 'plane crash disaster since few years ago', you may wish to provide the email address of your your Head or perhaps the parents of a pupil that you believe to be particularly deserving, so that they can benefit instead. (Remember that they must not be citizens of Burkina Faso)

Oh by the way, Mr Ibru can be contacted at ibru_kumar@myway.com

Notes

I know I've said this before, but I'm finally getting round to putting some notes up about 'It's Your Time...' (Link is on the right hand sidebar under the adverts)

By the way; if you were to make a TV series based on the book (and I can't say any more than this at the moment) how would you go about presenting it? ie would you make it in the style of any current shows?

Veteran readers of the blog will quickly realise that I am unashamedly trying to get you to do my own work for me. (I told you I was SMT material..)

School Leaving Age Going Up

I can't help but think that this distracts attention from our biggest problem which is the complete lack of discipline in many schools which makes it impossible to teach.

Do we seriously imagine that anything planned for 2015 is really going to happen?

You may have heard me wittering the above on 'Five Live' yesterday. I felt a bit sorry for the other teacher who had clearly been sent by his Head with orders to say as many good things about his school as possible.

US vs UK

Have a read of this article and imagine a parent coming into a UK school uninvited, swearing a bit and making some threats. (ie the average end to a school day)

Why can't I imagine them being chucked in jail and only released on a £400 bond?

Nathan and Ruby

Here's two twelve year olds, Nathan and Ruby. Nathan is a very bright boy with a sharp mind and a quick reply to any comment I might have. He can argue confidently with adults and frequently does. Ruby is an average girl; pleasant, not particularly intelligent or talented in any respect.

Ruby will do far better in life than Nathan. I can say that with sadness but with certainty. Ruby comes from a nice, supportive, quite well off family who can afford to send her to a boarding school. She is taught in small classes along with other well behaved pupils of similar ability. She associates and makes friends with other girls who will also go to good universities. If she struggles, she will be given extra help and her father will pay for a tutor occasionally during the school holidays. Ruby has every possible chance to make a great start in life.

Nathan on the other hand; lives in the Cherry Tree Estate. A run down, crime ridden hell hole populated with the workshy and the criminal. Drugs, gangs and asbos are rife. He can only attend the local school, which is little more than a youth club, staffed by an endless rota of disinterested supply teachers and 'led' by a Head who is desperately seeking a post elsewhere. There is no discipline and no real chance to learn anything. Most lessons are little short of anarchy. Every desk and exercise book is covered in obscene graffiti. All around him Nathan sees examples of anti social behaviour without consequence. He cannot attract the teacher's attention because they are too busy trying and failing to prevent the lesson sliding into chaos. Nathan's friends are starting to experiment with drugs and get involved in a depressing spiral of vandalism, violence and theft. He is following them down this road, as he can see no alternative path.

Nathan never really had a chance from the day he was born. I taught so many kids like him that they blur together in my mind.

There are hundreds of thousands of Rubys and Nathans in the UK marching towards their pre ordained futures. It is massively unjust and terribly sad.

I've always said in my blog and in my book that it's no use moaning about something unless you propose a solution. Mine as I've said many times is 'selection by ability'. I would dearly like to put children like Nathan in schools where they would be taught by the best teachers who don't spend their days trying to do crowd control. I'd like to see kids like Nathan experience a work ethos and associate with kids who don't sniff glue. I'd like to show him that there is life outside the Cherry Tree Estate. In short, I'd like to give him the same chances as Ruby has. It will not happen until we are brave enough to risk being called 'elitist' or 'old fashioned' and admit that the Comprehensive Education system simply does not work. Until that moment we are simply fooling ourselves and betraying poor Nathan.

Petition Response 2

I only got to the end of the second paragraph last time so let's have a look at the rest of the Government dogsbody's response to my petition.

Paragraph 3: We have already scoffed at the negligible number of parents taken action against compared with the number of truants. The rest of the paragraph neatly demonstrates just how many obstacles are put in the way of any action. (It also assumes that the Local Authority will have the slightest interest in getting involved which they rarely do.) The greatest sanction is that the parent might be asked to attend a 'parenting program'. (With no penalty if they don't).

Well that will certainly sort them out!

Paragraph 4: I don't want disruptive pupils in mainstream schools. I want them thrown out and taught in secure units, preferably underground.

Paragraph 5: All schools do indeed have a discipline policy. Unfortunately the children can ignore it with impunity.

Well that's what I think of their response. If I was marking it for a 'dodge the issue' competition, I'd give it an 'A'

Just Say 'No'. (Or 'yes'; it doesn't really matter)

A couple of teachers have emailed me recently to say that their school has abandoned its 'zero tolerance' approach to drug use, as their Heads are not prepared to face up to the number of expulsions it would require.

My view is that it's the usual 'Head in the sand' situation. Do nothing and you encourage it, expel a few and you show that you mean business. Kids are not slow to realise this.

What's your school's approach? Action or acceptance?

Anyone fancy the Head's job here?

Haven't these people read the Government Menial's response to my petition? Don't they know that everything is fine in schools now and whinging old gits like me are just moaning about nothing.

Headmaster Mark Morrall says that the behaviour of his pupils is mostly very good. Hmmm. why's he leaving after just 12 months then? Wouldn't it be great if he had the courage to be honest and just say:

"Actually they're a nightmare and I'm not daft. Bye!"

This article is chock full of funny quotes so I'll shut up and let you read it.

How could they...

I would certainly never suggest for an instant that Drama or Media Studies are in any way less serious subjects than Chemistry or German. (Unlike Dr. Coe)

Petition Response

Many thanks to the 1267 people who signed the petition to No. 10. We didn't do quite as well as more important requests such as this one or this one

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if this didn't beat us eventually but never mind.

The Government's response is here and it's well worth a read.

Firstly they admit that behaviour in some schools is unsatisfactory (I'd have used the words 'beyond belief') and admit that teachers in a small minority of schools have to regularly face poor behaviour. I don't believe that it's a small minority, do you?

They then claim to have taken radical action to address this problem. That sounds pretty good so let's have a closer look.

'Headteachers have the power to exclude pupils' (Haven't they always had the power to do that?) However now there is an appeals procedure which overturns the Heads decision in 1 out of 10 cases. Chucking out nightmare pupils is an extremely difficult process for Heads involving numerous unnecessary steps, which is why so many do anything they can to avoid it. Why not have each Council provide secure units for excluded brats, so they don't just get moved around to cause mayhem in another school.

This also doesn't quite tie in with Estelle Morris' announcement in 1998 that 'Heads should think twice before taking severe action against children found with drugs such as cannabis.'

They have also introduced tougher fines for truancy. (Presumably they mean fines for the truant's parents.) How many parents of truanting kids do you know who have actually had any action taken against them?

I've only got to the end of the second paragraph and already I've lost all hope. What do you think to the rest of it?

Can't You All Behave Yourselves?

I go away for a week and look what happens...

Poor Toni Comer, whilst taking a break from looking after her two year old, accidently got howling drunk, was thrown out of a nightclub, vandalised someone's car, then punched, bit and spat at the poor copper unlucky enough to have to arrest her. Obviously she is a victim who needs urgent compensation.

This chap is sacked for saying things that he knew to be true, but which fall into the category of 'Things you can't say'

20 % of parents can't get their kid into their first choice of school. Tony B says that the solution is to have more good schools. Now why didn't anybody else think of that?

PC Daniel Coffill

Have a read of this awful story on Inspector Gadget's blog. It just about sums up everything that is wrong with our society today.

The two wretches who did this were once perfectly average little boys. Lack of willingness by parents and schools to discipline them and tell them what is right and what is wrong made them into disruptive, violent and unpleasant young adults.

Then they encounter a Police Force hampered by endless petty restrictions, forms and political correctness together with a legal system which has caved into Government pressure to keep crime figures down at any cost by making prosecutions ever harder and sentencing ever lighter. In charge of all this we have a Government who prefer to let criminals roam the streets rather than admit that we need to build a lot more jails.

The result is the awful tragedy of PC Daniel Coffill and his final kick in the teeth as yet another judge demonstrates the huge gulf separating them from mainstream public opinion by deciding to let his attackers out a bit earlier so that they can continue to behave in exactly the same way.