A Disgrace

This article alleges that teachers are helping pupils with their Coursework. This is both illegal and immoral.

I can honestly say that I never gave any pupil unfair help with their coursework unless their parents paid me a decent hourly rate to do so. Teachers doing it for free are completely undermining the integrity of the profession. I have no idea how widespread this problem is but would be interseted in your comments.

Breaking News!

Poor old Shambo is now a burger.

'A' Level Space Invaders

All this talk about qualifications being 'dumbed down' is clearly nonsense. A Media Diploma where pupils are expected to 'critically respond to a range of computer games and discuss why enthusiasts like playing them' is going to be every bit as challenging as boring old Maths, Physics and Chemistry. If you can master 'Printing banners for a party and performing a stand up comedy routine' then top Universities up and down the Country will welcome you with open arms.

Why is anything that contains the word 'Media' always so good for a laugh?

ps I foolishly attempted to drive to Hereford last Friday and ended up spending the night in the car park of a pub on the A44 just outside Worcester as the waters rose all around me. Any readers who've suffered in the recent floods certainly have my sympathies.

Here comes the Summer...

There will be fewer posts over the next few weeks as the last thing any teacher would want in their Summer Holidays is to have me droning on about schools etc.

If you are a teacher then make sure you enjoy your holiday.

If you're not... then that's probably worth celebrating as well.

Now go and buy three copies of my book.

All the best
Frank Chalk

ps There is no truth whatsoever in the rumour that Angela Mason and myself are standing for election to the General Teaching Council next year.

Reality TV

On Crimewatch the other day, half the villains were black, a couple more were Asian and one was white. I don't know how they get away with it. Don't they know that simply isn't allowed?

If the makers of Crimewatch bothered to watch some modern thrillers they would see how things really are, especially if the director considers himself to be 'radical' and 'cutting edge'. All criminals are thuggish looking white men with skinheads and Mr Big the crime boss is a well spoken white gentlemen. There will be a corrupt Police Officer who is easy to spot because he looks a bit funny and never laughs. He is also white with very little hair. There are definitely no Middle Eastern men running round shouting at Allah before going 'pop!'

If I was bald I would definitely sue the makers of these films for discrimination or something innit.

ps. The BBC have denied rumours that they are filming a tv adaptation of 'Tintin in the Congo'

Daily Sport

I think this is a great idea. Five hours sport a week is just what many teachers need.

Oh hang on a minute, it's for the kids. Well, that will be a good thing too. I know I harp on about it, but exercise really does work wonders for their behaviour.

Mind you whether it actually happens or not is a different matter. Halfway down the article we hear about the 'Competition Manager' which sounds like another dodgy made up taxpayer funded job (yes, I have applied to be one).

Hmmm... Maybe not.

This wasn't quite what I had in mind as a suitable Summer Holiday activity to keep the brats out of trouble; but if you happen to have a train ticket to Grindelwald, an old pair of skis and a large kite, then it might be just the thing to while way an afternoon.

Incidentally about halfway through, you can just about make out a circular viewing window in the side of the mountain where the train stops and you can look out. Some people will do anything to avoid paying for a return ticket.

Finally, one top tip from a Health and Safety perspective- Don't forget to take Swiss Francs with you, as Switzerland is not a member of the EU.

Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler...What did they know?

The textbook for the new GCSE Physics syllabus has just arrived at St. Thickchilds.

I read the other day that only 20% of Americans realise that the Sun goes round the Earth. Apparently the figure is similar in the UK except that more people asked what a percentage was.

All you old fashioned 'Heliocentric' teachers should visit this site and brush up on your Astronomy. Here you can learn about geostationary satellites and here you can buy a mug to leave around in the Science Prep Room.

Brace Yourself!

Oh yes! It's that time again. Brace yourselves for the million kids who will shortly be roaming the streets and shopping centres looking for trouble.

Why are they bored? I reckon there are two simple reasons.

If you are over 35, go for a walk around the area you grew up in. Visit the fields and woods that you played in as a kid.

Oh dear, they have all been built over and are now housing estates, car parks or shopping centres.

The second problem is that kids have been spoonfed passive entertainment all their lives in the form of non stop TV, computers and video games, so they have never learnt how to amuse themselves. Therefore the Underclass kids hang round in gangs, setting fire to your garden fence and the Middle Class ones aren't allowed out at all by their over protective parents who firmly believe that a paedophile lurks around every corner.

No wonder the kids are bored. After school activities, 'Yoof Centres' and School Holiday Clubs are all very worthy but most are Dullsville Tennessee. I'd put a shedload of money into activities where kids can actually do things, such as coaching in a wide variety of sports (not just football, let's introduce them to something new) along with organisations which enable them to have a bit of rough and tumble, and get involved in organised chaos. ie Scouts, Guides, Air, Sea and Army Cadet Forces.

Unfortunately none of those organisations will be considered pc enough so I can only advise you to lock your door and keep an eye on that fence.

Boys and Girls

Girls outperform boys at virtually every stage in education nowadays. Why is this and does it matter?

Our entire education system has been altered in recent years to favour girls. There are virtually no male Primary Teachers and even Secondary Teaching is becoming almost a female profession. Boys therefore do not encounter role models or see male figures in authority. The advertisements to attract new teachers do not exactly encourage males to exhibit strong leadership, resilience, toughness or any quality that was once admired as 'manly' but is now seen as 'bullying'. They seem to be trying to attract Social Workers instead.

Behaviour that boys naturally adopt from a young age; ie running around causing mayhem, fighting and shouting is actively discouraged. Boys generally love danger and competition which are seen as taboo.

Girls tend to work conscientiously throughout the year whereas boys prefer to cram for an exam and perform better under stressful conditions. Therefore we have introduced Coursework which many boys don't even bother to hand in and modular courses with numerous minor exams which boys soon get bored with.

Government funded groups and companies such as L'Oreal actively advertise Women in Science. Nobody does a similar thing for men. TV dramas tend to show women in strong roles, triumphing over weak and indecisive men (who always have 'issues'). All in all it's a bit like the 1950s in reverse.

Still. no point in moaning, you can't blame a group for fighting for it's own interests. Maybe I'll start a male emancipation movement (If Mrs C will let me)

Oh My God! What's That?

It was the persistant barking of my faithful dog Humphrey that alerted me to the aliens presence. Shortly after lunch it appeared, a giant glowing ball hovering just above the apple tree halfway down my garden. It made no move to attack us, but I've always found it best not to take any chances.

Being fearless and worldly wise we panicked, ran upstairs and hid under the bed wimpering. Mrs Chalk found us; still cowering, on her return an hour later.

"What are you two doing up here when the sun's out for the first time in weeks?" She said.

ps I'm not sure whether to believe Hill who claims that his Head took down a spoof advert in the staffroom in the Glasgow Herald for a 'Second Hand Jeep Cherokee with a Charcoal interior.'

Bad Science, Great Sales Opportunities!

Having taken inspiration from the decline in Science Education and the site http://www.badscience.net/ I will shortly begin selling my patented WIFI radiation shields to schools across the land. I also hope to install my health giving 'Penta water' vending machines, homeopathic crisps and anything I can think of with the word 'detox' in it.

Heads are queueing up to avail themselves of my consultancy service where for a not so small fee, I can detect whether your school was built on a Ley Line. If this turns out to be the case then you will no doubt wish to invest in my 'Positive Ion Generator' which will counteract any ill effects.

One Science Department has already asked me to come along and demonstrate how I can re align my chakras.

Angela Mason Banned

Angela Mason has been banned by the General Teaching Council from teaching for one year. In case you had forgotten, she did some Supply work and secretly filmed the kids in her classes to show how bad their behaviour was for a Channel Four Documentary. The hand wringers argued that she had 'abused her position of trust and brought her profession into disrepute' or something like that and everybody else thought;

'God I'd like to whack some of these little shits'

Considering that she retired from proper teaching in the 1970s I don't think that she will be unduly worried, although she might be wondering just whose interests does the GTC represent?

John Smeaton

How can anyone resist a visit to the website of John Smeaton, pride of Glasgow Airport?

The arch enemy of Al quiada and Senior Ramp Assistant, Slugger Smeaton now has his own site; where well wishers have so far pledged him over 1000 pints of beer. (Approximately a fortnight's worth in Glaswegian terms).

The apprentice terror group known as 'The Sizzling Sons of Allah' have claimed responsibility for the attack.

ps. I've fixed the link now, sorry.

Remember Physics?

If you live in London and are involved in the teaching of what was once Science, then you might be interested in a meeting on Thursday 5th July at 7 pm in the Plumbers Arms, 14 Lower Belgrave St. near Victoria Tube station. It's purpose is to try and come up with some plans to fight the dumbing down of the subject, which has pretty much turned it from a difficult, rigorous fact based subject requiring mathematical skills into a politicised and knowledge-free debate on nuclear powered, global warming Ozone chemicals innit.

It's organised by David Perks, author of "What is Science Education For?" and contributor to "The Corruption of the Curriculum". Needless to say, I haven't read either book, but go along for a beer anyway.

Poor old Mademoiselle Bois

Thanks to Hill for this story which I missed last week. I hope Mme Bois gets nothing more than a slap on the wrist for being stupid enough to publish under her real name. As always in these cases, she will be criticised for 'using inappropriate language' or some nonsense like that. The Head will never ask the only important question; ie

Is what she is saying true?

It does illustrate the dangers of telling the truth about what goes on in your workplace or saying what you really think.

I'm On Fire

The initial conclusion was that the two nutters who drove into Glasgow airport whilst on fire were not from the UK. On hearing this, I immediately phoned the Head of Counter Terrorism to inform him that all the evidence in fact clearly pointed to a Science education in a British Inner City Comprehensive, as demonstrated by the complete lack of ability to identify and mix the chemicals necessary to create a decent explosion.

One of the pair was however able to debate the climate change implications of air travel with the Scottish Plod until a passing member of the public smashed him in the face. (Rumours that the passerby was the Head of the Glasgow Tourist Board are said to be unfounded)

As all the jails are full and nobody has thought to build a few more, the charred couple will now only be charged with 'Smoking in a Public Place'.

STOP PRESS: The two suspects have just admitted that they met on Friends Reignited