Packing up my emotional baggage; last night in Phuket; the end of us..

This marks the end of my life, my adventures and stories, the good times, the bad ones, and the unforgettable ones that I had in Phuket.

I knew one day it would end up like this, but I didn't know it would be so painful.
Painful when I'm packing up to leave tomorrow..
Painful, when I took a walk down memory lane, literally down the lane where Giel met me last July 28th, when I came down to date him.. When it all started then...

I could remember how nice he was, how lovely he was to stay up, despite having to work early. And on the boat to work, he would text me saying how sleepy he was.. And yet after work he would rush to meet me, to spend times together.

Many things happened along the way..
All I know is, I came to realize why it hurts so much.
Because I could really love him, as a whole, stand and stick through him, good times and bad times, hoping, just hoping he would do the same. Alas...

In fact, I would be willing to give everything up, everything that I have, to make it work.

Nevertheless......

Leaving is never my option. But, I know I'm left with no other choice..

Packing up is so painful...
I know I'll die tomorrow, when I board the plane back to Singapore..
A big big part of me, left with him. Always.

SATC Season 2; La Douleur Exquise Episode 12

Just as I was watching the series that my BFF loaned me, Carrie's words keep ringing and ringing in my head.

So much so that I have to pause the show, and just blog about what she said, to remind myself..

"On my way home, I was furious. Not with Big, but with myself. I'm the sadist here.

He might be the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up.

Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down."

-Carrie Bradshaw




Wise words.

Tell me child, what do you see?

This morning, i woke up feeling broken.
I felt that it hit me, that he'll never be contacting me anymore ever again.
And the next time if he would, it would be just as friends.

And after a big long cry, i felt stronger once again.
I guess, sometimes we just need to feel sad, let all our pain and emotions flow as tears, out of our system, before we function again.

I wouldn't say we would function normally, but as least, the world seems to pass on normally even though you feel empty within.

There isn't a day where i wouldn't think of him, or even hope that he would contact me. But when it's not happening, and there's nothing more that i can hold on to, sometimes, it's just best to let go, and set myself free..

What's the point of holding onto someone who doesn't want me?
That's when i start collecting images that i feel i can really relate to what i'm going through now.

 and tons more.......
They really do help me in some ways.
Anyway i really hope he's happy and having a good time with his sister and mom visiting..
Random post.

Uncertainty

Im in a state on uncertainty.

Im uncertain where do we stand.

Or even what is left of us.

But to me, it doesn't matter so much anymore.

To me, if i can hear from him now and then, speak to him, see him once in awhile, and yea, so long im happy, that's all that matters.

I may be deluding myself. Or wasting my time. But, all i know is, it will all slowly sort itself out.

For the better, or the worse. I'm done thinking too much about it. Just take it as it goes :)

There are bigger issues in life sometimes..

So, just trying to enjoy life. :)