I just had my last presentation in NUS. Oh look how old we've grown... and all these years I realize that only a few things in life ever last forever. Things are always moving forward. I'm too much of a sentimentalist, I hang on to things, 'ships, and ideals that I know have long gone and moved on.

When we sat around that table, and when we lamented if we'd ever get together like that 10 years later, I should have known - the answer is no. It's wishful thinking. It's barely been 5 years, and already we have moved on.

Well, keep shufflin', I guess

I was just surfing FB a few minutes ago and I suddenly had this impulse to quit and delete my online presence. It's really quite amazing how much time we spend on our online social networks. Sadly, I think it sometimes exceeds the amount of time we actually spend in person with our friends.

I've thought of quitting Facebook many, many times because it's such a time-guzzler. And quite ironically, I think it just serves as a huge reminder of how my 'online presence' is strong but the real-life networks are dwindling. Sad but true. No matter how many sheep you throw at each other or how many posts you scrawl on someone else's wall, nothing beats real-life interaction, or even a phone-call.

Let's break it down. The benefits of FB? Ok i'll have to admit I benefitted quite a bit from it. Most recently in an entrepreneurial start up, I utilized it for marketing purposes. Free. So that netted us quite a bit of publicity. Another thing - those FB promos people have for all sorts of things. I have a few thoughts about the commercialization of FB - I think corporations have more access to our information than we know - but I'm not going to elaborate. On a more social front - it's about knowing what your friends are up to, maybe organizing gatherings, sharing interesting stuff like videos, photos, links. Ribbing your friends. And on a more personal level, everybody has a little bit of a narcissistic streak in them. Which explains the numerous photowhoring albums people may have - yes I am guilty as charged.

So on the front of discounts, its marketing value, and sharing things like videos, photos and links, Facebook's all good. But when it comes to actually keeping in touch with your friends, it only facilitates, never maintains. Kinda like how you would use FB as a way to start up some gathering discussion (which 60% of the time fails I feel), but you wouldn't use it to really talk about stuff with friends.

But anyway I think the sad part is when you know all about your friends' lives from Facebook but not actually from their own mouths. Things kinda get more objective then, no? You don't hear their side of the story, you just discover the facts, but you don't actually know the depth of their emotions or feelings about what happened. Someone just broke up? FB has the facts. You see lots of concerned comments, but 99% of the time the original poster doesn't ever reply to those comments.

And the lack of privacy - I know, signing up for FB automatically puts your online presence 'out there' and there's no such thing as privacy. Old story, I think I kinda knew that when I set up my first photo album. But anyway, what I mean by this is that I think most people have their variable moods and bouts where they either feel like sharing their feelings with the world, or sometimes they just want to delete every, single, thought or photo they ever shared online. But they don't because, you know, it's weird and its uncharacteristic and it's just strange to do that. There's an invisible pressure for you to maintain an online presence. If it suddenly disappears (just ask my friend), people start asking 'omg what happened'. Even better, if you don't have a FB account, watch how the eyebrows go up and how people tend to say, "HUH? You don't have Facebook?!" like how it's supposed to be your 6th sense or something.

So there are times - like just now - where I feel the sudden urge to delete, purge, wipe out the online presence I had established over the last few years. Don't know why, just felt like I was in one of those 'crap I don't want the world to see this'. But I couldn't. It's kinda amusing really, how like a bazillion consequences flew into my head. First and foremost though is the idea that my treasure trove of memories in the form of photos, notes on my friends' walls, videos, and everything would just disappear into cyberblackholeness. 2nd thing was mentioned above - people would start asking OMG charlene what happened - like I just checked into the hospital. Heh. Don't want to deal with that.

Actually, FB has become like a wedding ring. You know, it's like how when you take it off - maybe for an innocent reason like washing your hands then forget to put it back - people start asking you what happened.

We live in a strange, strange world.

It irritates the shit out of me when I can't find that closure because someone can't once and for all talk to me about it!

Grrrrar!

You know what's the best poison to loosen up and have a heart-to-heart chat?

Not alcohol.

It's piping hot english breakfast tea with super-spicy wasabi peas. Haha.

Anyway, it's kinda comforting to know - after talking to some of my closest friends - that I am not alone in a little quarter life crisis.

Been applying for a job and I've received some news from the company, but I hope I do pass the final stages and get the job in the end :)

OK well, I was being lazy. So I thought, time to be concrete about what I want to change about myself and my surroundings. I know, little Ms Late and all but really now, better late than nevarrrr.

1. Keep my temper in check.

Oh, oh, oh. I can't even begin to describe how bad my temper is nowadays. I used to be pretty mild, but lately many things get on my nerves. I'm not even going to try justifying it - there is no excuse. So yes, I have to keep my temper in check, I have to learn how to breathe and count to 10 and start rationalizing everything before I explode in anger. If you haven't seen me lose my temper, just get into the same car as me when I'm the driver - on Singaporean roads. The fastest litmus test for tolerance.

2. Be happy

Shit may happen, but its been a recurring lesson for me - other people stay positive and happy even when shit happens, and they dont' degenerate into pessimistic whiny people. And what happens to pessimistic whiny people? They rub off on others, and they spread the bitterness. Uh Uh.

3. Spend more time with my mom

I really have to.

4. Start being more organized

It's not that I'm crazy chaotic. But I'm still pretty careless and messy. The last straw came when I turned up for a lesson that was cancelled (I'd rushed down in a cab), and I was the only person, other than one other person who had an excuse because she wasn't present in the last seminar. Dear Lord. It's time to start making use of my calendars.

5. Grow up

The end! Thank you for indulging me.

HAPPY. SHA LA LA.

IT'S SO NICE TO BE HAPPY.

SHA LA LAAAA

and in time to come it shall be my irritating anthem haha.

This is one of the moments where I collect so many thoughts in my head that they take root and grow and push out of the recesses of my mind and the folds of my purple brain. Just so many things I am thinking about but they've been forced into a corner for a long time because of school, because of the practical necessities of every day life. It's one of the rare few moments that its finally come out (maybe it reaches critical mass and then needs to empty out and then rinses and repeats) some way or another, and one of the ways is the written (or typed) word.

The thing is, I feel like I'm experiencing puberty part 2. I'm at this transitory phase from student life to adult life, and so many things are happening around me that it's too much to take in everything. I'll admit, I feel a little confused about some major things, and suddenly I realize that I really don't have a strong understanding of what is truly going on in my life. It's pretty chaotic, and it feels like a slippery slide that I cannot stop moving down. It scares me a bit. Ok, no it scares me a lot. I felt like calling someone, sharing my feelings; which is so weird for me because I normally don't even call my good friends to chat on the phone. But as I scrolled through my contact list, I decided against it because I didn't know who to call, and I didn't know what to say actually. What am I supposed to talk about? That I'm going through a not-even-a-quarter-life-yet-crisis? It's not the kind of thing you talk about on the phone. Besides, I didn't really want to burden others with my own petty musings on life.

22 years of growing up, and now I'm hit by the sudden realization that I'm stepping into what we call 'real life', and I realize there are so many huge things in my life now that I'm totally unsure of. It's scary because they're big decisions, that will impact the rest of my life. It isn't about which candy to eat, or even which school to go to. Those are petty things. The worst part, I think, is that apart from the Big Guy up there, who gave us free will, I am supposed to be completely in control of my own life. And here I am, not really knowing what I'm doing, and whether the decisions I've made (and are about to make) are the right ones. They don't have to be 100% right I think, but I hope at least I don't destroy my own life or destroy the potential of the awesome path ahead of me that (I'm pretty sure) the Big Guy destined for me. And right when I need some assurance that what I'm doing is fine, and that I'm gonna be OK, I hear zero, zilch, nada from Him. Perhaps my heart has hardened, I don't know.

And I can sense my friends and peers - even the closest ones - shifting and morphing to assume their new roles. It was so carefree before, but now the atmosphere has gotten very, very serious, and I am seeing some of the most happy-go-lucky friends become the most driven, focused, serious people I've ever known. The change is drastic, and it gives me a sort of a smack on the face to wake up and stop 'introspecting' and start getting real. A part of me wants to go back to the nonsensical fun we had in the past when we hung out together so often, but I know that we have to move on, and that part of our life is over. I'm quite sad, but I know I'm just being a sentimental old cow. So I have to keep going and I dont' know, somehow just ignore this and try to embrace the new kind of friendship we have.

And I hate that I even feel the need to think about all this when everyone else doesn't really care. When what really is needed most here is action, not thought.

Bleagh. It must be the monday blues :(