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btw ALI SETAN is showing on friday night EVERYONE n i mean everyone no matter ure malay chinese or indian HAVE to watch it.. IT is the EPITOME of romantic comedies.. the very first ive watch since i was a little kid.. its like since the 1980s and i think ive watched it at least 5 times.. i am sooooo surprised tt ain has not watched it.. U MUST!!!!! its how funnnyyyyyyy.. :)

when u dun give a damn anymore

LIFE was extra thick today.. took lunch++ to finish reading it.. and there were like a million articles abt singlehood.. heezzzzzz.. but only agree with teh one in LIFE.. sumiko's article.. its either sad tt u are single and constantly look out for someone or its sad tt u dun give a damn anymore.. and hmms sounds like ure body can actually start becoming immuned to 'love' or rather the adrenaline it gives u so in the end.. u really dun give a damn cos ure numb.. resistant.. interesting.. n considerably true i think.. not only in the scientific sense but also u wud be so freaking tired of caring what other pple thot. n ure life is gonna end soon anyway right? so why depress yrself with such stuffs.. hehe.. hmms then in teh Sunday times.. there was a poll tt said alot of pple dun wanna get married.. dun wanna have children.. they will gladly cancel a date for work.. im shocked by tt.. i wud so scrap work any time to just have fun.. and this coming frm someone who hasnt even started work! but yups.. i guess when it comes to such matters.. acting normally perhaps? no extremes.. no thinking too much or too little.. we are after all human..

lalala.. oh yea and as i was floundering through maths n wondering what chem i had to do .. and realising ain has my organic notes.. leaving me knowledgeless to do the tut.. (actually finding an excuse not to do ..) i realised how much i am so grateful tt i dun take physics!! :) haha.. fine ain fine sya.. u can gloat u dun take bio n chem either.. bleah.. but nvm... im happy enough to have substituted physics for econs.. econs syllabus is how short.. i can like finish reading everything in 1 night.. plus everything is inter related so we actually constantly revise our stuffs every lesson making revision a whole lotta easier for us.. unlike the horrible science subjects..

b.o.r.e.d.
oh yea kak liyana thot of the most brilliant idea.. wenger viera ljungberg henry pires shud just scoot over to some other team and leave the lousy epl preferably the spanish one.. watched the arsenal newcastle match.. n the chelsea aston match.. bellamy is good stufff. he is double the size of cristiano and can dribble more creatively n faster than tt boy..

think i shall change my images often..
images at getty images are really pretty..

the lone tree in the middle of snow

the bitterness tt surrounds me..

well on a lighter note.. arsenal won.. altho some parts really irritate me.. i love it when they are on a role.. when their passing rox.. but rite now they suck.. defence wise.. n ljungberg was limping ard the field.. so cute.. but so sadddddd.. i wished keown wud just retire.. n like some russian billionaire.. or mebbe french to buy over arsenal so tt they can have the money to BUY PLAYERS.. like all of them are on loan.. wth..

today was fun.. slept alot.. went JP after bio.. for lunch n a little bit of window shopping.. lunch was really good.. eel! :) n wan ton noodles.. eeveryone ard us were staring at us.. liek these 2 malay girls.. buying jap n chinese food.. heh.. its nice whatt..

bum de bum.. hardly anyone is online..

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPY

GOD.. 2 hours of staring at 2 qns of chem i was supposed to redo and like 2 sections of econs mcq.. and my eyes were completely closed.. im trying to stay awake by doing sth relatively interesting now.. but they are still on the verge of closure.. tapi yg ku rindu di sini.. :) menemani ku.. yup but still sleepy

lacrosse is how dumb.. netball .. as quoted from jiahan.. its marginal satisfaction has decreased.. but im still so tired.. such tt i cudnt do any work.. n still cant.. attention span just isnt there.. cant concentrate or focus.. or mebbe cos the topics are.. so shitty.. tt reminds me of mc.. n todays econs tut. wa kaoz.. i really got upset.. oklah at the end of it all i wasnt as pissed n i mean i cant exactly go.. oh i despise her cos she made me write an essay when i didnt want to.. sad huh.. im pretty sure my statements to ain have ground.. and we have the right to ask for a change of teacher if she is incapable of teaching us.. puhleaze lah she confuses me more than eva.. n i havea absolutely NO TRUST in her.. like the way she answers our qns.. or rather NOT.. n the way she carries herself .. sigh.. come on lah im not tt horrible a student! if she can prove tt she can teach.. i cud actually like her! enough space wasted there..

hmms ain completley reminded me of her seductive voice.. haha scolded her for trying to lure lumut.. tsktsk.. oh yea n stalking was a failure.. or rather it was kinda embarassing cos it was pretty obvious..

joshy is so fun to suan.. for his gay tendencies.. esp when he tries denying by saying.. its not me.. pple just try to be gay with me..woookay..

respiration tut tomorrow.. how suay..

We spend as we mend
Cos we're happy to pretend
Everything's gonna be OK
We shake as we break
Never giving 'til we take
And we hate when we have to pay
We flirt while we work
To forget about the hurt
And the trash that we left behind
We sink as we swim
The ice is wearing thin
We're running, we're running, we're running
Out of time

My life got cold
It happened many years ago
When summer slipped away
So chill now oh
We've got many years to go
So take it day by day

And on the go
I lost my soul
To some forgotten dream and
How was I supposed to know
It wasn't what it seemed
And even though the last to low
Has left me on the floor
I don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore

WHERE IS THE LOVE? -- love this song

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

snag

heez my wish to ballroom dance was shattered by the availability of the sepcs gal.. wth.. so i had to snag golf again.. how sad.. am okay.. mogilan is how good!! at least i didnt like swing the club until dunno where again hehe.. n i ddint even break a sweat how not physical is tt man!!

somehow.. i remembered today as full of laughter.. cant remem why tho..oh yea the process of telling hon stuff while ashraf walked past.. and we just burst into laughter..making him all puzzled.. n like to do with all the running to surau cos it was raining n the back gate closed at 230.. n there was a teeny kitten there too which was how adorable!!!! hmms what else? oh all the whacking ain for not pointing out lumut.. TWICE.. hmms

this is odd.. talking abt presents to get for yr significant other with zz.. i said i wud like buy a sweater for my bf n use it as my own.. n zz actually said tt was a nice idea.. haha.. ironic.. but nvm i can do it now tt i have a guys support ..of coz once i have the necessary ahem 'accessory' haha..

hmm need to mugg.. bleahhhh

i forgot my username

n very smartly i decided to sign out and try n rem before checking.. very smart ili.. i had to resort to asking the system.. thank god they cater to pple who forgot their username n not just the password.. oh well cudnt blog in skl.. nothing much happened i guess..

this must sound awfully strange or cheesy.. depending if u understand.. but my locker makes me melt.. not as bad as ain.. but.. :) rindu

oh yes.. im gonna apply to work at coca cola.. hehe.. how fun! i hope.. altho if its successful tts like 3 weeks off my hols.. in the middle of puasa n hari raya.. meaning i cant go for training (which is a gd excuse when im fasting anyway) cripes n right after tt is SATS.. oh no.. this is bad.. got no time to study for it.. plus i have to do softball CIP n train during the hols.. plus tarawih at night.. plus wanting to have pure stoning n enjoying sessions with frens.. whoa packed hols.. but i love being busy.. dun feel too bad when i slack off for a while.. hmm looks like im never gonna do anything science related in the future.. just look at what ive beenn doing.. i went for SPT work experience.. which was sth to do with like material engineering (as if ill enter tt if i were in the right mind) n business n advertising.. i did short film.. n my pw is on entrepeneurship.. n i take econs.. like my future seems so business-related.. ttll be cool.. but scary.. BUT.. i have a dream.. tt i can CHOOSE not to work.. yeps be a taitai.. tts the best..but i must first find a husband..rich preferably :) which i think is pretty much a probabilty of one in a few thousand million.. heh..can be so materialistic.. but oh well.. who doesnt wanna lead a comfy life!?

(AND i will not fall into teaching.. will not will not!! i pity my students if i ever succumb into teaching..) hmm apparently helmi is gonna teach.. mebbe he can be a pe teacher too.. :) qt mentioned he didnt mind being pe teacher.. quite slack n can still drive nice car.. kak liyana also said tt.. n they get to do interesting things like.. ermm snag golf with each other? haha.. n they dun have to set tests.. ok besides napfa..

ay.. rambling.. better do some more tuts.. i keep sleeping my wed afternoons away.. plus i had to share my BK turkey bacon burger with novi.. tt girl always knows when im with food.. even tho im like cooped up in the room n she is outside.. cute.. but kinda irritating!!

freaking

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. im completely freaking out over promos.. i want to do well but i dun think i will.. im so scared i dont know what to do.. im pretty sure all the teachers think im this dumbass.. ahhhhhhhh.. :( -destress- shit lah.. shit lahhhhhhhhh

i just feel like cursing non stop.. ahhhh since when was i so vulgar!?

i get disheartened so badly when i see a lousy mark.. even tho i worked for it.. :( im pretty sure how much i work at it.. dun think will make much of a diff.. i dun want to get retained.. i want s papers.. i want to get the hella outta here.. why why why is this so hard for me? WHY~?

at times i feel completely stupid.. n worthless.. n an airhead even.. i can be so rash.. i hate myself for all my flaws.. n theres truly NOTHING abt myself tt im proud of.. truth is.. everyday.. everyone including me carries on a facade.. tt everything is fine n dandy.. when ure dying inside.. ure soul is rotting inside.. ure desires kept to hidden.. so untouchable n unattainable tt it kills u.. it kills ure hope.. it kills ure motivation to wake up each day.. what is there to look forward to? why does this have to suck so much? why do the bads feel so llllllloooooooooooooong.. am i so greedy that i feel like such a failure just cos i dun attain sth great? but dun u think i wud be so elated.. bursting with joy if one thing.. at least one thing in ure life goes right for once?? why cant u not work for sth n get sth tt can make u happy? why do u have to work so hard to make ureself happy?

booo.. havent read up on econs.. mc .. pls help me.. dun let me drown.. show me tt u can teach..!!!!!! show me tt u know ure stuff and can make meee understand u and make me get the freaking idea... whyyyyyyy.. whhhhhhhyy is this so HARD..

what a long n crappy day

-sigh-

the tie hunt

i hope qt jon n jiahan dun kill us for getting them to skl to get ties for us.. oh well.. tomorrow will be interesting.. i hope.. prob meet gullnaz n faree n fuzz n khairul.. went thru the book they gave during the PSLE one n realised how few guys there were.. n how toot they looked.. n how yucky i looked.. i just want to erase the memory of tt foto forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today was fun! played floorball n netball.. :D we had a rule tt all balls are girl's hence 'when in doubt.. throw it out!' how catchy n i converted from being a defender to shooter cos i was getting dizzy from TRYING to intercept balls from julian cj zhaf n jon.. n josh was. soo.. heeez.. irritating.. haha. i realised i can shoott.. oho.. hahaha.. but my nail is like coming off.. sigh.. stupid shoes.. think its all the boots fault..

kadang kadang.. aku fikir.. bagaimana jika aku tidak tukar sekolah.. aku lebih dekat.. aku mempunyai lebih ramai kawan rapat.. aku boleh keluarngannya lebih.. pulang ngannya.. kau tidak tahu brapa byk kehadiran kau menggembirakanku bila kau menghantarku pulang...sperti aku tidak ingin perjalanannya habis.. tapi.. aku tak kesal.. aku tahu ini bukan takdirku..

embarkation

gonna embark on many many adventures in the next few .. ermm weeks..
yes one being promos.. *gag* but firstly will be tomorrow (i mean wednesday) after skl when i decorate my locker.. :D finally got up the nerve to do it even tho it seems a million n one pple know my locker combi!!!!! wateva.. am inspired by ain.. but heh i did get a chance to decorate my own room since i just renovated.. ok its not so drastic.. but my bed is now directly facing the comp.. so i can like sleep and use the comp at the same time.. hah.. and ive got a new custom-made (designed by me of coz) closet with a nice full screen mirror in the front (tt can get pretty eery at night) but i decided i needed it more on the outside of the closet.. hmm i shud put all my softtoys on it instead of in it.. i cant see em.. i mean they are gonna get dusty either way right? and now i have very many shelves and bookcase to put my very many messy things n knick knacks.. table is still a mess anyway.. and ive decided to change my side light to fill up the empty wall.. and if i add the jigsaw puzzle i made of the 2 kittens sleeping above my comp.. my room will be as perfect as it can get.. :D.. thinking of getting 2 more jigsaw puzzles.. one perhaps of some funky art piece.. like in renaissance times or sth.. it wud be perfect for the living room if i dun kill my eyes trying to fix it in the first place.. and going broke over it.. plus i suggested an autumn falling leaves jigsaw theme for my sis' room and she agrees it will look really pretty.. :) aha.. reminds me of bio: photosynthesis --> the orange colour comes from chlorophyll b or issit carotenoids?? i cant really rem.. sth like the green chlrophyll a gets decolourised really easily so we see all the orangey ones later.. so pweeety.. autumn must be the prettiest season.. yups meaning i have to go visit jigsaw world or sth at causeway pt.. a possibility of bringing lots n lots of joy.. but tt can only be after bloody promos.. heez.. oh yea speaking of bio.. they lost my bio test paper!!!!!.. how cud theY??? i really wanted to know how i did.. when she said it was in order of merit and every time she didnt call my name, i freaked out 1000x more.. i mean i love bio.. ok respiration n photosynthesis kinda sucks but ill get a hang of it.. soon.. i think.. haiz in the end she didnt have my paper at all.. but i really wanted to know.. -pouts-

hmmmmms.. when ure young.. u want to quickly grow up.. when ure old.. u dun ever wanna get older.. i was so anxious to ge tout of yps.. n rg.. well currently not so much outta skl.. but i miss yps mostly.. even kak liyana does its just a whole family to me.. its such a huge thing in my life.. i love the skl.. i love the teachers.. the memories.. the frens.. can u imagine? i actually LOVED the teachers.. they were sooooo great.. i havent met cikgu sadiah for like 2 years.. i really miss her.. i always wanted to show her my successes.. i never wanted to let her down.. im so proud of my cohort... tt all the malays in her class got thru to the express stream.. cool means all of us are now in like jc or poly.. :D hmms actualyl i think only 4 are in jc.. they were such fond memories.. they better not shut the skl down.. i want to go back every year! when im free i wanna go down and watch the juniors train.. n help out.. track there was a huge part of my life.. the horrible upper pierce slopes training.. the block catching after training at the flats.. the eating after trainings.. teh camps.. nationals... god. they were such fun times.. hmm come to think of it.. think im having more fun in jc than in sec skl.. i miss bumming at kenny's house.. going home tog.. the gossiping.. the outings.. and now.. the company of sya n ain.. tt make my sides hurt from luffing.. softball.. hmms.. just tt the workload is a million times worst..

mymy.. been rambling.. heh bet no one read tt portion.. nvm.. fo rmy own personal musings..

hmms.. stoning in bus rides home are good alone times.. i love to walk really slowly esp from the mrt.. and just stare.. into the sky.. into the open space.. at the little children walking past after skl with their parents.. all with the background of appropriate music..
THAT.. makes my heart smile..

the sky alone can make me stop, stare and smile..
believing the world is a beautiful place..

i bet passersby find me strange.. :)

quotes

Happiness is beating the odds.
It's falling in love with someone that you think could never even be troubled to notice you, and finding out that they feel the same for you as you do for them.
It's unexpected flowers, the right song on the radio.
To know ecstasy, we must also know uncertainty;
to give out pure joy, the world needs to exceed our expectations.
So, when you go into the world, keep your goals high, and your expectations modest.
Somewhere in between lies something positive.

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return;just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours

Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

pw go to hell

im feeling depressed.. stressed.. n every word that sucks in all languages..

pw is giving me horrible nightmares.. i think im gonna flunk it.. die liaoz.. and when i dun say anything no one else does anything.. ahh but cant blame them.. ive been neglecting it too much..

i feel like such a shithead.. im feeling so emotionally horrible.. so f***ed up i slept more than i was awake today.. i didnt care.. i refused to do any work i woke up.. ate a bit watched tv a bit.. read chem a bit and slept again.. then woke up and did a whole lot of watching tv.. and now im freaking out over pw.. and wondering if i have to do gp journal.. shitlah.. n i havent even gotten to skl yet..

nobody will know what the worst part is.. its tearing me inside.. i think im ok.. but all i want is unattainable.. and ill never have it.. ill never get what i want.. emotions tumbling inside. feelings so dark.. and rotten.. wanting to be strong and independent.. but failing so badly. it just comes to a point that studying doesnt matter anymore..

talked to sharon abt life.. n if it was worthed it.. well in a non-religious way.. i strongly believe.. it isnt.. heres sth from denise's email which i want to believe 'life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. ' i dont want to be some loser wasting my time studying to be some ass working her life away.. but why do i feel so guilty when i see other pple working so hard.. n me slacking so crazily.. i hate it when pple look at u n judge u just cos u didnt do this.. or u werent perfect there or u arent outgoing.. or whatever the perfect shit this perfect world is looking for.. thats what i hate most.. then labels come..n ure shunned upon? then ure given the worst testimony.. then ure life is ruined??? like wth.. i refuse to be judged by others.. its not tt im afraid tt i cant live up to my own expectations anymore.. im just infuriated that i have to live up to others ideals of the perfect kid.. but im thankful its not my parents..

tetapi.. akhirnya.. yg sakitnya ialah perasaan yg tak dapat ku capai.. yg tak pernah ku alami.. betapa banyak kali aku mengingati diri.. pedihnya tidak ingin aku rasa lagi.. aku tidak ingin menjadi belia.. aku tidak ingin matang..

MAF

its simply a gathering for x-students.. n the council to .. die from exhaustion
poor them..

maf was pretty much like what i expected.. lotsa stoning.. but what was sad was.. i didnt have much to talk abt. i was so excited to meet them again but all we did was sit and stone.. i love their company and the silence is never awkward n tt i believe is what real frens are made of.. id rather have a million stoning sessions with real frens rather than idle chatter with passing ones.. oh yea met josh jiahan pat there too.. n i finally danced mass dance with hon.. quite fuN!!.. but ive still never danced with a guy before.. i think tts abiti deprived but nvm..

oh yea walked in with neighbour.. n she thot i came back from clubbing.. ya right.. im holding too many things to be clubbing.. n besides.. dun think ill like it.. i dun drink.. n i dun dance.. so... ya what does tt leave me with?

anyway.. singles club got its full membership again.. cos meida decided to join us... :D someone.. ahem.. has been BANISHED.. never able to rejoin.. :p

aku tak ingin menaruh harapan tentang apapun lagi
tiada erti..
buat apa
jika untuk dihampakan sahaja

headache has finally subsided

reading in the bus sucks.. tt took like 30mins to make me undizzy.. plus i was gonna cry from pain on the way home.. yay fang n dee say im thinner.. n amir said my hair looks good.. haha.. amir called me in the middle of the night to say he was in front of my house after dinner.. quite funny.. spent like 10mins talking to him outside my house.. tt was cool..

lupakanlah sahaja

cant wait to get out of the house

ive been seriously cooped up in the house.. for good reason actually.. tho all ive been doing is stoning.. only properly conquered ONE chem qn.. which i realised is so freakingly easy.. but i was staring at it like for 1 hour? and when i checked tt it was the right answer.. u cannot imagine how happy i was.. i just kept saying OMG.. a million times.. what to do .. im such a moron at chem.. anyone wanna tutor me..? :D

but yea after a week seriously ONE WEEK.. since i didnt go to skl on friday.. i am completely anxious to get outta the house tomorrow.. to like copy huifang's chem notes.. hehe.. AND watch legally blonde 2.. yay! actually i did sorta go out on monday.. felt kinda sian at first but when i so did NOT regret getting out of the house.. i needed the fresh air.. and seeing pple besides my family.. yeaaa.. then MAF on sat.. but.. these things have a knack of making me very disappointed cos i put such high hopes on them to be damn interesting and fun.. but i know its gonna be alot of stoning n im sure the person i dared to dance is not going to dance.. hehez..

why isnt anyone online dammit..

i hate u ain

BLEAH! why dun they allow caps in skl? i am completely walking outta house ONLY with a cap.. i dun care if pple glare at me for wearing a cap.. its better than glaring at me with a horrible horrible haircut! ok fine i must say it isnt tt horrible.. just takes alot of getting used to.. n yea i think the woman cut my fringe too short.. (POSSIBLY ONLY.. shorter than lumut)

so lets see.. gonna meet dee n fang in a cap... gonna watch a movie in a cap.. gonna go to sofball in a cap.. thank god playin softball requires a cap.. and im going to maf in a cap.. and ill curse anyone who takes it off.. n then i will pray tt my hair miraculously grows a million times longer by monday.. OTHERWISE.. IM NOT GOING TO SKL.. hhaa ya right. but still.. nvm.. shall be brave.. and be a gd sport and luff at myself.. -pouts- ahhhhhhhh if lumut luffs at me.. ill cry.. i swear ill cry.. hrmph fine being melodramatic.. i think i need to think of a code name.. untuk dia.. :) botakz? no.. abang! noo.. kawan? boring.. ok fine.. fren.. the NEW FREN.. yay.. heez..

im hairless..

im bringing gel with me everywhere i go..

i think its even shorter than lumut's

be nice when u see me..

if i cud be happy everyday

i love mondays.. for some weird reason.. not all the foreboding stuff tt lies ahead

if i get enough endorphins everyday ill graduate from ain's course of merepekness.. :) i merely touched the surface today..

just remembered.. i watched sabrina just now.. and i wanted to cry!!!!! it was.. sweet!!!! okok i knew she was never really meant to be with tt other guy whatever his name was.. and she n harvey were meant to be together.. i wished harvey was less gawky tho.. anyway.. it was a whole thing abt how she was worried tt aaron issit the name.. i cant rem.. wasnt her soulmate.. but conciously she n harvey both knew they were meant to be together.. i really thot tt she was gonna marry the wrong guy until the very very second.. then she ran off n harvey was at the church door.. and it was like perfect.. dunno what it was.. but it was really sweet.. also cos ive watched it since they were in high skl n all the dumb stuffs they did together.. i even rem this one episode where he had to go thru some tests to see if he was really her soulmate.. yups..

dunnowhy but i just wanted to write tt in

oh yea.. n i am a bit freaked out abt some statistics.. someone told me like 1 in hmm issit 4 or 5 rg girls dun get married.. and like in my current class most of the guys were ever attached and very few of the girls have.. which is.. very scary.. heck.. it isnt even constraint to my current class.. !! how!?

http://card7.silversand.net//movie/fla_img/3997.swf
some music vid which i dun understand.. someone care to translate.? :D

this is how depressing.. no not cos of my own sad situation.. but i read thru frens' blogs.. they sound so sad.. and i know i havent been there for them.. and it hurts me.. there were times when i cud have met them.. i cud have cheered them up.. but where was i? too caught up with trying to get out of skl.. im really sorry i wasnt there for u.. but i have so few true frens.. sadly enough.. none in rj.. dun get me wrong.. i do love all the fun and laughter here.. but.. i dunno if any of my relationships here will last me a lifetime.. its lots of hi & byes.. in times of adversity.. i call up other pple.. but yes.. i am grateful i can call someone.. there used to be atime when there was no one i cud cry with.. that was horrible... after reading their thoughts n feelings.. i feel like calling each and everyone of them.. i want to talk to them for like forever.. i want it to be slack times again where i can talk for hours and not bother abt the burden of work hanging over my head.. already pw is giving me headaches.. thot our probs were solved.. but we havent addressed the problem yet.. :( oddly dun think my grp members realise the problem..

hmms.. i feel like ive been an optimistic person this past year.. my life is far from perfect.. i dunno what motivates me to wake up every morning.. but i do.. somehow.. i dun feel down.. i dun feel unwanted.. i just feel resigned to my fate.. not happy not sad.. the disappointments have been overcomed over the years.. yet there is still no spark to keep me motivated.. i remembered in pri skl my motivation was to prove everyone tt a malay cud be the best.. i still believe it.. except i dun believe in myself enough.. as i said.. resigned..

on alighter note.. i think novi is prettiest cat..with the prettiest voice as far as ive seen... its so manja.. and her colour.. her face.. is just chio n different.. was at the surau when i heard so many cats mewing.. so coarse.. n unrefined.. unlike my dearest novi.. im so lucky.. all i wanted was the youngest kitten there and i got the perfect little cat.. :) it wud be more perfect if she listened to us more.. but well thats a cat for you.. independence.. she seems to have caught the sadness bug.. she seems so lonely n sad.. pat pat.. or mebbe i gave her my flu.. poor girl