Thursday, September 13, 2007

Fear and denial

Fear is like the smell of cigarette smoke in a lift. Detestable, yet inescapable from.

There are so many things I fear, yet I deny those fears, afraid they they would consume me.

I fear looking into the past and seeing no accomplishment.
I fear looking at the present and seeing no inspiration.
I fear looking into the future and seeing no hope.

Yet, I still deny them, not changing what I can, to dissipate those fears. What am I waiting for, the sky to fall, the earth to crack?

This is the time to reach out and take control.

The z rules

Fun : Sleep : Work
1 : 10 : 40

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The difference from the difference of SMU

I met this girl yesterday at a SIFE workshop conducted at SMU. She's from Temasek Polytechnic and had competed in this year's competition. There's something different about her, something special, something fascinating. I can't put my finger on it, but it's just that being in SMU for over a year now, I've yet to meet someone like her who can leave such an instant impression on me.

Let me attempt to describe her:
She wears like 4-inch heels.
She's vocal.
She's "brutally honest" (I quote).
She laughs at herself.
She laughs at me.
She knows what she wants.

But I think it's more than that. It's a perspective she brings that makes her totally unique. This school is full of people pursuing what everyone else is pursuing, it becomes a trend. Being an investment banker, getting a high GPA, running for committee positions (I hate running for power, leadership doesn't require express power, it's all about implied power), etc. I don't know, maybe it's because she's not in SMU, maybe it's because her interests don't lie in finance and banking, maybe it's because she has a mind of her own.

One thing she said struck me.

"I miss the unadulterated freedom."

Freedom. Freedom from not having to account to someone for your actions. Is it so important to girls? I might seem like I'm still hung up on her, but no, it's just something that I never considered and wasn't convinced when she told me this reason those months back. Perhaps, it really is true.

Freedom, how do you give a girl freedom while being in a relationship with her? I mean, wouldn't it just seem like you don't care? How do you achieve that balance of caring but not over-caring? Tough questions, unanswerable. But, whatever.

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She has eyes that sparkle with a fierce intensity.