Chasing a fallen star

We all have dreams. Some of them work out, some don't. Somehow, I think most of mine don't. I just went through one of my earlier posts, about some blogthings quiz I did. I don't know, I don't think I'm weird or I have weird tastes. Do I?

It's been really a long while since I've felt like this. Maybe never. Every single thing that could link me to a memory with her makes me sad. It does feel as if I've lost her, and I think I have indeed.

I can't deny the fact that she had led me on, maybe played with my feelings. The times when she would come find me for no reason, the times when we would chat and talk about nothing in particular, the times I would help her with her work, the times we went out to dinner and just had so much fun, the times I would send her home and she would wait with me for the bus, the times, there were so many great times. Every word that she had said is etched into my memory and draws up a jab of pain whenever I think about it. But, I just can't hate her for that, for leading me on. I hate myself for ever falling into this trap. After Serine, I didn't want to be heartbroken again. Yet, I still put myself into a compromising position. All I want to know is how she could have had such a change of heart so quickly. Was it all wrong from the start?

Right now, I don't know what to do. How do I proceed from here? Even though I know where she stands and where I stand, I still stand at a crossroads. Should I ignore her, and call an end to our friendship? Should I retain hope that one day she would finally come to appreciate me? I don't know. What has changed since the other time, for me? The difference, well, probably, she won't come to me and pick me up from the doldrums and make me think she wants to give it a chance. In the end, all that's left is for me to get on with life. How do I do this?

Choices never seemed harder.

Saddest day, possibly

Today is possibly the saddest day of my life. Though she hasn't told me yet, it is definitely beyond reasonable doubt that the outcome has already been set in stone. If things were salvageable, she would have already called by now. But no, I'm just not important enough I guess.

Heartbroken, again. Now I truly understand how Karen and Cassandra must have felt in the past. I was a jerk. They must really have felt quite played. And I can't blame Cassandra for hating me for the best part of a year. Karen, well, I don't know how she really felt. But, I'm just grateful that we're still friends.

I really want to be unfeeling. Please take away my emotions. If I could, I would choose never to have loved and never to love. Things just have never gone well for me. I really hate my life sometimes. What's the point of being so brilliant, having good results? In the end, all of those are just superficial. Sigh.

I really don't want to see her at Volar tomorrow. But, it's probably inevitable that I would. Please just let me escape from reality.

Uncertainty

Misfortune doesn't come alone. This term is an unforgettable one. Falling in love, and then falling out of love. It really felt as if I had dropped from seventh heaven to seventh level of hell. Relationships are troublesome matters and I keep thinking why I got involved in the first place. It would really have been much better being indifferent and just keep living without the need for female companionship. Ah, this sucks. But I will get over it.

Exams are finally over. I don't think I'll do really well, considering how distracted I was during the study break and even during some of the papers.

Again, "hope is like a beacon of light, that leads you onto treacherous rocks". I know with perhaps ninety-five percent confidence what she'll tell me after her final paper tomorrow. But it's still that other five percent that keeps me wondering, that gives me hope. There is always room for error when there's no certainty.

No certainty. It's always about this. I like my life to be certain, things to be planned. Well, most things. Having such a great amount of uncertainty is really..rather troublesome, I should say.

Nonetheless, I still can't find a reason for why she would avoid me for 2 weeks. That alone should drive out all hope. It is just beyond reason how this could even be in a normal person's contemplation. Well, some things are just not meant to be. Let God guide my way.

On a brighter note, I'll be off to Tioman on Monday. One of the very few opportunities I'm out of the country. This trip came at a good time as well, since I really need to get away from all of this., maybe leave my emotional burden behind in Singapore and hope it's gone by the time I'm back. Escape isn't a solution, but I am a weak person at times as well. Hope it'll be sunny in Tioman, Singapore's just awfully rainy these few days.