Revelations

I was just thinking about random things and it suddenly struck me.

Maybe the reason why I'm still harping on Serine, well, I could be just not brave enough to go after another girl. Serine, I did really feel so much for her, so much emotions. At the time when she rejected me, way back in 2004, I felt quite fine with it. I thought that one day I could win her over. Or rather, it was just too premature to even feel sad. But then, as 2004 passed, and did 2005, I just liked her more..and more. I just had the feeling that, hey she really was the right girl and I really do like her. It was like there's that special thing about her and it drew me like a fly to a lightbulb. It's just inexplicable. This time, when things were giong smoothly and we probably could have gotten together, she just said that she didn't think we were compatible. And this was just simply a major disappointment. I don't think I'll ever get over this. The person, yea. But this thing itself, probably never. And this is the reason why I probably couldn't bring myself to go after a girl again. I just can't and don't want to live with the same disappointment again. It's just too much for me to take.

Maybe one day, one day I"ll be able to find someone whom I feel that I'll go all out for her. But that day isn't now, when I'm still nursing my woundsand my shattered pride.

I've finally given up WoW. The days are incredibly boring and I can't think of what to do. My determination's commendable I think, getting over an addiction isn't easy, especially when I can just subscribe to another month of WoW. But then, I've still not made up my mind whether to continue or not. Maybe I should get a ball picker and a sack of tennis balls to start training up my serve. Though there's no one to play with, I still really like tennis. Cheers to Roger Federer, for winning the Australian Open for the second time in his career.

Everything's just going wrong these few days. My shoulders were hurting for the past few days and now my knee. :(

mundane life..bored..

Peiyan's birthday was last Sunday. Was supposed to take her out for lunch but she cancelled last munute because she had too much work. Is SMU really that busy? Have I secured myself a route to a hellish 4 years? Well, seriously knowing myself, I'm quite sure I'll just slack. As in totally. Who's going to inspire me to study hard and do well for exams?

I think my luck's been improving recently. Just yesterday, I ran another Scholomance and guess what dropped? A Rattlecage Buckler (great shield for healing) and Lightforge Helm (my tier 1 set)!! Okay, I guess for most of you who don't know WoW, you guys won't actually know what I'm talking about. Also, about 3 twinkers bought enchants from me, high level enchants like Crusader and +15 agil, and I decked them out in the best enchants I could to let them own in BGs. I sold my Assasination Blade for 160g and 19 stacks of runecloth for 4g a stack! Whoa! That's an incredible pile of gold and I'm now over 1000g!

Well, besides that, the past week has been really mundane and I've been very very bored. Didn't go anywhere and didn't do anything. Ahhh, sigh, this is such a crappy post.

Practise what I preach?

I was just thinking about an advice on relationships I gave yesterday. About, letting go of the person and giving yourself a chance with someone else. Well, that really sounds like the best resolution. You may find your soulmate in that process, someone you never had in mind. Or maybe, you could realise that the girl/ guy you were with was definitely the person you had to be with. And it works both ways. Sometimes giving each other some space, more room to breathe, more time to evaluate, could bring about an unexpected turn of events for the better. Although the immediate implications seem unthinkable (breaking up with someone you really like), this really is a good way to solve problems in a relationship when things come to a standstill.

And why couldn't I have thought about this earlier. The decision to get over Serine was probably a modification of this, just maybe a little lousier. But somehow along the way, things did get better. And this is probably what I should continue doing. It's like setting a person free, and knowing that she will come back to you if the love you had for each other was true.

Quote (by me): Take a step back, you see things better that way.

Touch of the Past

I was just thinking how it was possible for people to meet a new person, start liking them, and then get into a relationship after perhaps, a month. For me, that just feels so incredibly half-hearted. How well do you know a person after a month? And what do you like about her after knowing her for just a month? In all fairness, I've to admit that some relationships do work out this way. But more often than not, the couple would break up shortly after realising that they are not meant for each other?

The point I'm trying to bring across is that, in a relationship, you've got to be more than friends. But that doesn't mean that you aren't friends anymore. But rather, it's an even closer friendship. That's what I want. And that's why I find it hard to just go out, meet people, think that the feeling is right, ask them out and ultimately ask them to be my girlfriend. It just..feels wrong.

Okay now that the philosophical crap is out of the way, it's time to come back to life. I've been thinking about it. I still like Serine and it's hard to forget about her just like this. That being said, I'm not looking to get into a relationship with her, at least not now.

I think I've changed from a few months ago. At that time, I really wanted to get together with Serine, wanting her to finally accept me. But now, I guess I've moved on from that stage. I don't need her to accept me anymore. Liking her just means that. She's no longer someone I need to be with. But rather, someone I just like unconditionally. When there are no expectations, there are no disappointments.

Life with no disappointments is great. :)

Uninterested

I realise that I've not mentioned much about Vanessa. Well for a moment, I was quite interested in her. The reason, being that she's sporty (which so many girls aren't) and pretty. Well, not to mention that she's friendly and caring as well. But, just a few days ago, I just had the feeling that the chemistry just didn't exist between us. I guess this is what Serine meant. It's not being incompatible, but rather the chemistry just isn't there. Vanessa, well, in all honesty, I do think that she's someone I could probably click well with and everything. But the feeling I have for her pales in comparison with what I felt for Serine.

The alternate explanation would be that I'm still not completely over Serine to accept someone new in my life. I know I've said this plenty of times, but with Serine, it just felt totally right. A pity it was one-sided.

I don't know really. Things are still quite premature to state a conclusion. Probably I'll see how things go before I commit to a decision. Though right now, I don't have the confidence or will to persue a relationship. No money!!

A Slice of Bad Fortune

I don't really feel like recounting this entire affair. It just causes me heartbreak every time I think about it. So well, the gist of it is that some asshole stole my bag during frisbee on Saturday. He didn't just take my bag, he took my shoebag as well. Now, I'm shoeless, bagless, walletless, and cards-less. Oh well, I can just blame it on my carelessness I guess. The funny thing about it was that at the bus stop, when it was drizzling slightly, I had this gut feeling telling me to go home. When I was all changed up and ready to play, I had another gut feeling telling me not to leave my wallet and phone in my bag. I guess, my instincts probably are accurate in some sense. The most important lesson here: trust your instincts and be more careful.

Honestly, I'm really sad. I really loved my Crumpler. :(

Tennis..the dream

The dream..is to play tennis at a competitive level and make it into the inter-varsity team in SMU. Honestly, this dream looks bleak. There's absolutely been zero activity since somewhere in July when I got my new racket. Okay, it's not new anymore but it's not been used as much as I would have liked.

This post came as a result of tennis with Vanessa on Monday. Well, we both aren't that good, but I think I'm probably slightly better. The weird thing about that session was that my backhand had surpassed my forehand (by a lot). I've never hit backhands so sweetly and consistently before but I finally did. However, my forehand has disintegrated. I simply can't hit any forehand shots anymore. :( I really really wonder why. Is it my grip that changed? My swing? My timing? I need to try and see what's wrong, really, or my dream's going to go down the drain before I even start working on it.

We played awfully long on Monday. The sun wasn't hot but definitely packed with ultraviolet radiation. As a result, my nose is burnt! Like seriously burnt, red and almost peeling. How am I going to take my matriculation card photograph on Saturday like this?

Following tennis, Vanessa suggested lunch at Out of the Pan at Raffles City. This place really does serve good crepes. I had the seafood one and they were really rather generous with the scallops and prawns. Nice! But then again, for an expensive crepe, they should really be generous with everything. Went shopping after that and I helped Vanessa carry her crazily heavy bag. I wonder what she stuffs inside it to make it that heavy. This pair of shades from Esprit caught my eye, but their sale items (the one I liked included) were the ones left on display. And the condition wasn't perfect. Disappointing to say at the very least. Vanessa got herself a new handbag and she really looked quite smug about it. Haha. Well, everyone is happy whenever they buy new stuff.

Gave her the bracelet before she left. She said she liked it but wasn't a bracelet person. Oh well. Haha.

Honestly, I don't know where this is going or where it will take me. I'll take it a step at a time. But then again, I don't know how much I like her yet. As of now, I can still say that I like Serine the most, though waning. Serine's, well, possibly the person I've liked most in my entire life. It's sad that things didn't work out.

New Year Resolution 2: Improve my tennis, by a lot.

a new year..

So it's finally here, 2006.

A year of ends and beginnings. Most notable, the end of NS and the start of university. I'm definitely looking forward to that.

I realise that this blog's been going on for more than a year now, with many many posts. I wonder if one day, I'll ever revisit the site and read all my entries again. Would I laugh? Would I cry?

Sometimes, when you just look back at your past, it's just a magical melancholic feeling. Like, wow, that was me last time, that was what I did previously or I can't believe that happened.

Now that Huawei's back, I think the two of them (Yahui and Huawei) are finally experiencing a normal relationship. But, come to think of it, I don't know what a normal relationship means. Can I really live with her girl who's clingy? I certainly don't think so, but somehow, I just get this nagging thought that says that all girls are clingy, period. I need my space, and I need freedom of expression. Sometimes, I really think, with Serine, in the past, I wasn't expressing myself freely and I was feeling constrained. Like I wasn't being myself. But now, I guess that's what I gotta do. When a girl who interests me comes along, I can't be in the position of trying to impress her, or presenting the best side of myself. I want to be myself, how I'm like everyday, with my friends. I want to criticise and I don't want to hold back.

A new year resolution that is? Yea, I guess that could apply to everything I do, with everyone I'm with.

New Year Resolution 1: Be myself at all times, with all people.