Sometimes, Ruxin never ceases to amaze. Hey, she asked me to attend a new year countdown, with her ex-classmates. Well, 4 of them actually, and one of them is going to be Serine. Hmmm.. Honestly, this is a really weird thing to happen. The impossible would be that Ruxin likes me, and I certainly hope she doesn't because there's already someone I'm interested in. Secondly, I don't think I could like someone like her. As a friend, yeah, we could probably be rather close. But certainly I don't see her as someone I could associate myself with romantically. And, in the past, I had a crush on her. Amazing, ain't it?

But, now that she has asked me to this countdown thingey, it just reveals to me yet another difficult situation. According to Ruxin, this is a invite a friend occasion. Since Serine is going to be there, and she didn't invite me, it's obvious that I'm not someone significant. Honestly, that hurts. A whole lot. I mean, hey Terrence, when you're reading this, yeah, it was good while I was deluding myself. Can I consider it deluding? You get what I'm saying? Seriously, I don't know what I'm saying. I just know that, if I really want to get Serine to like me, it's going to be hard. Probably, the hardest thing I'll ever know can exist.

Spole with Shu-en earlier today. Well, she said that it could work out. And if it does, it'll be a great relationship. But, it could also not work out, and she wouldn't want me to be hurt. That's right, right Shu-en? I don't know, honestly. I don't know where I'm heading towards. But I know that I'd like her to be happy. And obviously, I'd like to be the one to bring her to that happiness. But can I accept the fact that I might not be the one? I don't know, really. But things have indeed taken a turn.

Indescribable joy. It just gives you that extra spring in your step, that extra flash in your smile, that extra sparkle in your eyes. Yeah. So now, I hope things go well. I don't know. I'm still pretty sure that she still doesn't like me romantically, at least it's a start right, her being single again?

Haha. Yeah, it's good. :)

I had section dinner yesterday. Very fun! Just that Serine and Cassandra weren't there. The juniors are pretty wacky. Had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen (it's kitchen or place?). The pizzas were nice, much much better than Canadian 2 for 1. But what was really good were the appetizer and the salad. Those were really delicious. Talked and caught up a bit. No Actually we talked a lot. And we were really noisy. Haha, after so long, we're still living up to the reputation of noisiest section in band.

I really don't know what to feel about Serine breaking up. What's likely is that she's not going to be in a relationship for a long time. Or maybe, she'll just remain a single all her life. I don't know what's with women these days. Why do they not want to get married and have children? Absolutely weird. Really, after trying so hard to just get over Serine, I thought that I was about to succeed. No, I'm lying. I wasn't even off attempting part and I'm talking about succeeding. Well, I'll just see how it goes lah. Anyway, since she's broken up with that guy, I don't see why I should try to get over her. I can live with just being her secret admirer, right?

The jacket I got for her for birthday, I'm going to give her now. Hope she likes it. Though, I didn't want to give it to her to avoid further misunderstanding at that time, it was meant for her from the beginning. So, well I shall just give it to her. Screw the repercussions. Just hope that, I don't know, the start of a fairy tale? Haha. Right, who am I trying to kid.

It's chrismas day today. But it's really a forgettable one. I don't think I've ever had such a lousy christmas day. Christmas eve was better though but not by much.

Christmas eve morning was fantastic. I had the Public Affairs Christmas party in the morning and it was really really fun. The item we practised was pretty well and we managed to win! Haha. MRB had a really good item too. Their's was a medley of christmas songs, sang to relate the life of all the branches in PCD. Haha. But still I think our's was really cool!! We sang "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" with an electric guitar, drumset and keyboard. It was supposed to be a 4 man show. But Marcus joined in because he had no item. Kind of spoilt part of the song though. But it was still good. We won some Bengawan Solo vouchers. Haha. Not as good as Tang's Vouchers but better than nothing.

Thereafter, I met up with Ruxin for lunch and we watched Kung Fu Hustle. A stupid comedy acted and directed by Stephen Chow. It was actually not that bad. But a little rushed and a little out of control. Sometimes the ideas were like they had to be forced through. Not natural enough. Sometimes I feel a little awkward being around Ruxin and yesterday was one of those days. I don't know the reason for it too. But perhaps it's that she's a little too different in personality for me. The saying that opposites attract is a complete load of rubbish.

The night was worse. Was supposed to have a stayover at Cassandra's place with Huawei, Yahui, Karen and Shumei. But in the end, Huawei fell sick, Yahui didn't make it back. And Karen and Shumei came over to my place instead and slept the whole night. What a fun stayover. The magic of the event seems to have lost it's potency. I don't know. Maybe other reasons too. But this time it was definitely screwed up. I don't think I'll take part in one next year.

Christmas day was worse. Woke up in the morning for a while. Sent the 2 girls to the bus stops. And played Diablo2 for an hour or so. Then came sleeping time. Tried to ask Serine out for a movie. But she's sick. Poor thing. To be sick on Christmas day. Ugh. I should have made plans beforehand.

This has been the longest since I've not blogged.

Anyway, I've been doing fine with trying to get Serine out of my mind. Although I know that I still love her, I believe the feeling is fading. Or at least, I think it is.

There was a band gathering at my place last satuday. It was fun! Had a mahjong session again. It's been so long since I've had mahjong sessions. Sigh..

Met up with Ruxin on Monday to shop. It was amazing how we could spend 4hrs together without feeling bored of each other. Somehow, she feels like a changed person. Someone more proactive and not the usual "I'll let you make the first move person". Anyway I bought a lot of stuff. And I'm really broke. Sighh..

I'm having an outbreak now. Right at the time when christmas is round the corner. Maybe I'm not having enough fruits. Maybe I'm not drinking enough water. Maybe it's because I'm not bathing and brushing before I sleep. Maybe I'm playing too much Diablo 2. Sighh. I better start not doing all of the above.

Seriously, I gotta understand that Serine and i are impossible. Like, she has a boyfriend now and I wasn't even considered. Sometimes, I don't know. Could I be treating girls in a way like how their brothers treat them? I think giving up on Serine now sounds like a pretty good idea. I've so many things that I want to attempt now. Like mastering Japanese, learning tennis, recovering completely from my knee operation, etc etc. No matter how much I really do like Serine, I should be more objective towards my life. Am I really loving myself enough? Am I treating myself like how I deserve to be treated? I should try to get to know a few more people. Just saying hi, striking up a conversation. I don't know..more friends could indeed be good for me.

Alright, I've just come up with a few new year resolutions.

a. Get over Serine, seriously
b. Master Japanese
c. Save up at least $100 every month
d.Talk to my friends regularly and especially to those I've lost contact with

This will be updated over time, depending on circumstances.

This song absolutely describes how I feel right now.

I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eye
I thought with time you'd realize
It's over over
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older older
You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you
I dont care if that's not fair

Chorus:
Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all

There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart
But I dont show it show it
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know know it
Don't me make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell

Chorus

Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life
Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
It's now or never

Chorus x2

Damn. I shouldn't have played soccer yesterday. But I didn't really expect my knee to be so weak as to give way as I was sidestepping. Now it really really hurts. I wonder what's wrong. The worst thing that couldt happen is for the graft to tear. That would be a nightmare. I hope that it's just strained or something, or just a muscle pull. Arhh. That was the worst thing that I could have done this year. Playing soccer when I wasn't ready enough.

I finally truly understand the meaning of 'huo bu dan xing'. Like hell, as last week was good, it just completely changed in the space of say, 4 days? Everything started going bad on Saturday. Doubts were starting to get planted in my mind. Doubts about everything.

Anyway, it's true that Serine is attached. :( It can't really be helped I guess, but thsi realisation still pains me. Yahui said that she wouldn't be able to love someone who doesn't reciprocate the feeling. But, how would she know how I feel. I think I'm really dumb. I'm falling into this cyclical thing already. First it was Lynn, then Cassandra, then Nicole, then Serine. Although the rest were probably just crushes, I really really feel something strong for Serine. And now the question still remains, am I brave enough to give up on her? No matter how impossible the process might seem, if I've set myself to putting an end to it, I should at least try my best. Then again, finding someone whom I can really relate well to is as good as picking up a million dollars. Even though that million dollars doesn't belong to me, it's still a pain to give it up. I don't know, it's really a hard decision. And I keep putting off deciding it.

Sandra is a bitch. She's one of the bitchiest shits in the world. Who in the world could doubt that I do not go for physio after an operation. It's really a pain not getting trust from people. It makes life hard to live. She should be struck by lightning. Simple as that. Erased from the face of the world in the most excruciating way.

Unfortunately, I lost my phone yesterday. My Sony Ericsson T610! I've cursed the thief a million times already. I hope the curses do come true. Dishonest people don't deserve to live. They are possessed with greed. Greed is the destruction of Man. But, it is so incredibly dumb of me to allow my phone to slip out of my pocket on the bus. It's indeed a stroke, a really huge stroke of bad luck. I should stop mentioning this to lessen the heartache that I feel.

Well, my greatest wish now is for the best for Serine. I'm sure that if we're fated to be together, we will eventually. I shall just stop thinking about it and let nature take its course. So this is the mindset of someone who has given up..I feel pathetic.

My body really aches. Well, mostly the arms and my hand hurts as well when I type, like when i bring my fingers upwards. But anyway, that's not the point of this blog.

I think I should be less aggressive. Some things that aren't meant to happen probably won't happen no matter how hard I try to make them happen. What Shaun said about fate sometimes does really seem true. But I'm really not one who would like lie down and say 'ok, fate has it this way for me'. It's just too weak. Too docile for me. I'm feeling pretty rotten now, aching body and unsound mind. No, I'm not insane. I just feel that nagging sense of insecurity. Maybe a fear of not knowing what's going to come next.

Got this off Yahui's blog. Quite interesting I think. Something about the classfications of dreams.


Dayhap dream (DH): It has happened in the day, and it has somehow affected your subconscious so much, to the extent it has been embedded in your mind for repetition in your dreams.

Premonitive Type1 (PT1): You have been gathering signals from those close to you, and from those subtle signals your conscious brain can't pick up and process, your subconscious has made something out of them. And through your dreams, you know what is going to happen soon, judging from the vibes from those around you.

Premonitive Type2 (PT2): This is the most omnipotent of all. You were sent a message, totally unrelated to your feelings and actions, nor your close ones', yet it is going to come true, and you know it. You can feel it. You have to do something about it if it is bad. Either that or just watch the disaster happen.

Concurrent dream (CC): This is when you are dreaming about the incident as it is happening. Totally freaky, and requires more psychic ability than the average human being cares to admit, or rather, possess.

Hindsighter (H): It happened. And you didn't know about it. Now your dream is informing you about it, because there's something you have to do about it, be it picking up pieces, providing a shoulder to lean on, or just celebrating perhaps? (e.g. pregnancies. okies not at this age maybe.)

Inferencer (I): The exact dream is totally irrelevant -- but the moral it's trying to pass on to you, is invaluable, and might help you in the near future. It is closely related to Premonitive Type1, but this time it doesn't tell you what it going to happen. It just tries to equip you with what you need to handle the oncoming crises.

Revelations (R): Your mind reveals your worst enemies to you. As they say in chinese, 知己知彼，百战百胜 (translation: Know thyself and know your opponent, and victory will be yours time and again). Make use of the knowledge to overcome your weaknesses, and you shall be invincible one day! *harhar* Revelations also reveal to you your WILDEST dreams. This is the place where you score 9 A1s, graduate from Cambridge, marry a rich tycoon's son, and suddenly become damn hot with plenty of suitors trying to get a glimpse of your never-ending legs.

Garbage (G): These dreams mean nothing. Pure rubbish that don't tell nothing, don't mean nothing, and don't worth nothing. Might be related to the junk you eat just before bed-time.

Okay, I'm back to that old 'Should I or should I not' mood again. Just as things seemed like they were going well, I'm just beginning to question if things are what they seems. Honestly, although it is a cautious attitude, it isn't a good one.

First and foremost, there's constantly something nagging in my mind. And that makes me unable to totally relax.

Secondly, it saps away my confidence because I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing.

On a last note, I feel as if I'm getting sucked back into the quicksand again just as I thought I was coming out.

Yea, this isn't a very good period for me after all.

Yesterday was a really screwed up day. I only had 4 hrs of sleep on friday night and that was the prelude of all the bad things. I woke up and was shocked to see that I looked like a panda. Haha. Precisely why Serine was telling me to go and sleep. Anyway, I had to go to Sembawang mrt and I was 5 min late. Malcolm was such a kok. It's as if being 5 min late was the end of the world. And then, we made our way to NDU. The event was pretty interesting and the REAB ride was really cool. I can't really remember what REAB stands for but the boat was really travelling pretty fast and it was like a mini rollercoaster. Just much much faster. The wind was really blowing very hard against my face. Okay, the stupid event ended at 12.45pm, half and hour later than was planned. And Malcolm and I took Sandra's car down to Lornie road. Sandra's really a sucky driver, I wonder how she got her license. Okay, maybe not that bad, but she was pretty lousy. And she had to buy petrol at Mobil. That really made my day, made me even later than I already was. Anyway, Malcolm was still really irritating. Sometimes, I really just can't stand him.

Okay, I managed to get to class, half an hour late. :( The teacher was really boring too in this make up class. :( I'm going to miss Kaburaki Sensei. She's so funny and motivating. The lesson was pretty tough, and made even tougher with this lousy teacher. Crap, I wish I could complain. But I don't think anything can be done though.

After that, Karen treated me to Marche. I had tthis panfried turkey breast with brussel sprouts and raisin rice. It was very filling! But the turkey was overcooked and the brussel sprouts were undercooked. Sadness. But I filled in their feedback form to inform them of this. I hope others can enjoy a better meal there. After that, we went to Bukit Batok to meet Junjie, who was going to pass Karen his Diablo 2 and me his Warcraft 3. We walked around and talked a bit. I bought 12 tennis balls from Sportslink, they were pretty expensive thouogh. I think I'm spending too much money. My account's drying up. :(

Following that, I went home and played tennis. I still have problems serving and playing a good backhand. I think I gotta study the Tennis book dililgently. There were 3 people playing a game in the other court and I went to join them after a while. We were all pretty lousy. Haha. But I think I've made some progress since before. Or maybe it's just the result of using new and good balls.

Man Utd played Southampton last night. They completely dominated the match but were unable to muster good shots even though they created plenty of chances. Fortunately, they were able to put 3 balls at the back of the net in the second half. So a good 3-0 victory at home to Southampton. I hope Man Utd is able to catch up with Chelsea. Chelsea will be playing Arsenal next week and I hope that Arsenal wins or draws. I don't know a win or a draw for Arsenal is a better result. I just don't want Chelsea to win, if that's the case, then Man Utd would still be 8 points behind Chelsea, provided they win next week.

Was chatting with Serine, she brought my attention to the China Aviation Oil story. I seriously can't believe a rising company can have such bad internal auditing that they can be hit with a $550 million debt. I think good business sense is really important. Anyway, I fell asleep before I could finish the convesation with Serine. :( But I think she went to sleep shortly. Haha.

What a great day! Haha. I finally managed to catch The Incredibles..with Serine! It was a great day. We watched the show, then had dinner/dessert at NYDC. She had a Manhatten Mudpie and I had an Irish Cream Mudpie. We both had lemonades. Haha. Though the mudpies weren't spectacular (we both agreed mine was slightly better) because it was slightly melted, we still had a great time chatting. Dessert was for about an hour and time really passed quite quickly. It was like 10.30pm when we left NYDC. We passed by this christmas tree on our way to Orchard mrt station and Serine said she wanted to have a look at the swinging trees which she believed was near Somerset. Yeah, so we walked to Somerset slowly and talked even more. We had an absolutely great time. At the entrance to Somerset mrt, we were like hesitating to part. But then we managed to. Haha, this sounds really romantic. But in actual fact, she's probably attached and just treating me as a good friend. Though I feel that maybe she likes me, my feelings are usually wrong. So oh well, I'm just glad that today was a good and memorable day.

I had really really really really weird dreams just these few hours ago.

1. I dreamt that Serine and me went out together with her boyfriend. Althought I felt really extra, she still treated me really well. After a while, I decided that I don't really want to be a lightbulb anymore, so as we were in the washroom, I left quickly and went to take the train. But Serine realised, and she came after me (without her bf). There, we talked a bit and we went home together. And, it was like we were pretty close, as if we were attached. Sigh, things aren't just meant to be.

2. Next dream was about Sandy, my dog last time. But this time, I had two dogs, both were given away when I was young. I was staying at Ahma's place and one of them came back. I was really really really so happy. We could still communicate really well. Then, I was really sad that I didn't manage to see Sandy again and was wondering how he was doing. After a while, she went back. This time Sandy came back. And, I really cried a lot. I just kept crying and crying and couldn't stop. Sandy was licking me. And I only stopped when at one point i felt like I was going to puke. Then Sandy and I discusses a plan to take him back from his new owner. After he went back, my parents came back and I told them that I wanted Sandy back. My dad said that he should have just brought back the dog he saw in the streets and there would have been no trouble. But, I said that it was different and that there was a way to get Sandy back.

But just at that moment, my alarm rang and I woke up. And now, I'm blogging what I remember..Sigh, I really hope Sandy is doing well now.