Went to see the MO today regarding the pimple and the rash on my face. That shitty bastard just said that it's nothing..gave me the exact acne cream that I already have. For the rash, he gave me hydrocortisone acetate, which is used to treat eczema. I hope I don't have that!! Or rather I hope it can be treated. Oh dear. Why do I have so many problems.

Recently, I've been thinking less of Serine(think I've mentioned it before). Maybe it's because I've been really busy. But then, whenever I think of her, the sadness hits me again and it hits me hard. Sigh. Can I get over her ever? I don't know. Probably I can. But probably not completely also.

Childrens' day is coming up this friday. I hope kino had a discount, then I'll get all the books I want to get. If not, wello maybe I'll just get the pasta book. The rest can wait to say Christmas I guess.

I've got a horrible pimple! The kind that swells beneath the skin. Ugh. Why did this happen. Think I'll go visit the polyclinic this saturday to see if I can get a referral to the National Skin Centre. If I do, I can treat the rash at the same time. Hope I do.

Life is really boring at MINDEF. Think I'm getting the hang of things soon. But it's still really really boring. Nothing is worth my branpower. Letters can be drafted in less than 5 min. Emails as well. Satistics are the worst of the lot. My resources are full of mistakes that I take even more time getting brainless work done. Damn.

I just remembered that today is Sunday and I felt sad, because that means tomorrow is Monday and I've to return to work. This sucks. I really hate working at MINDEF. The people there are so horrible. Only some of the NSFs are nice. Yesterday was such a good-feeling day, knowing that today's free and slackable. Plus there's soccer on Saturday too. Oh and Man Utd scarped victory with a rvn penalty. It's been so long since Man Utd had a penalty awarded.

I'm facing a dilema regarding the Prince of Tennis dvds. Should I buy blank dvds to copy, buy the original dvds or just keep them as part of my memory. Blank dvds probably cost about $60. The original dvds probably cost 7 times more. Not doing anything is free and maybe I'll buy the dvds in future when I start having a creditable salary. Yeah, maybe I shall not do anything now. I really like the series and I don't think I'll mind buying it in future.

Another show I want to watch is The Heavenly Sword and Dragon Sabre 2000. That's the good HK version. The one currently on channel 8 now isn't too bad. But I've missed lots of it already. The vcds sold at Poh Khim costs about $60 for the entire series. Worthy investment? Hmmm..I guess not. It's a watch once and dump aside thing. Actually all shows are.

I've almost finished watching the Prince of Tennis season 6. Watching it just increases my desire to really learn tennis and be good at it. I can't wait for my knee to recover completely so that I can start lessons. Ooh. This is so exciting.

Serine seems normal enough now. I hope things can be like this at least. I was just thinking. Liking someone is really a lot about chemistry. If there's no chemistry there, nothing can make someone like another person. But I think this chemistry doesn't come that easily. Perhaps something has got to happen between them to make the connection special. I remember a show with a really nice line. Something like, "Behind every great love is a great story". Will something like this happen to me too? Haha. Nah, I doubt it. Life isn't a movie. Lol. But it'll be great if it really did though.

Gosh. I was so super tired last night that I fell asleep while watching prince of tennis season 5. But I still managed to wake up and go to my room to sleep. Thought of chatting but the lure or my bed was too strong. So decided to take a 'short' rest. But the rest was all the way to 5am. I wonder how I woke up at 5am too. Really crazy. Yeah so I continued watching the prince of tennis. But I still fell asleep. Think yesterday's walking was really tiring just that I didn't really feel it. Yeah. So as I fell asleep on the sofa. I had a really weird dream.

I was at a tennis centre somewhere and my knee hadn't fully recovered but I started tennis lessons anyway. I recall clearly I was wearing rj pe kit. And there were quite a few girls there as well in rj t shirts. As we were observing the coach, the girls suddenly crowded round me and fawning over me. I was shocked and amidst all that, I managed to slip away. I also remember bringing 2 tennis balls. They were not normal balls. I think they had usb connectors on them! Lol. Yeah but end of the day, I think I lost one of them.

I was just wondering just now, what is a perfect life? A life full of happiness? A life with everything you would want and need? A life where you truly love someone and he or she loves you back equally? A life of scholarly persuits?

Choosing one of the above is even harder than thinking of them. I guess happiness and love would be what I would really look for in life. But then, you can't have the cake and eat it, can you? So I guess a life where I truly love someone and she loves my back as much would be my perfect life. That itself will give me as much happiness as I can ever desire.

Today was as screwed up as ever. I waited 20min for the stupid pass office ic and he didn't come although he's supposed to be at work at 8! Went down at 9.30am to look for him again, and now they tell me that it's probably the magnetic strip that's the problem and not the card number. Stupid idiots. Then went to collect my uniform. Another idiot with a huge attitude problem told me that I couldn't collect it in the morning and I had to come back at 2.30pm. Ok. So up the hill again by foot. Then at 2, I went to collect my uniform again. This time, there were 2 very nice ladies. One was an indian warrant officer and the other is probably a dxo. They were very kind and told me that I could change my shoes which were too small though I think it's not too troublesome anyway. But well, a little kindness does brighten up the day. Off to physio. I missed the bus and had to wait 20min or so. And I was lugging a huge bag and a budled up bag of shoes. Super heavy. What's worse. Walking up and down the hill so many times caused my knee to swell slightly! What the hell man. Other things weren't that bad though. Malcolm brought The Prince of Tennis Season 6 for me!! Yeah!! And I had time to do my work quietly and I didn't keep getting called by him to learn stuff. With my amazing learning ability, he could go much faster. But no, he thinks I'm some loser who can't learn anything. Damn. Anyway, work was definitely better than yesterday. Maybe I can live through 2 years like this.

Work at MINDEF sucks totally. I've really really really lousy superiors, and I'm not exaggerating. Malcolm has zero concern for low positions workers like me, people who are forced to serve. Asking about my NS benefits is as good as talking to a wall. Wait at least a wall won't talk back and make me feel bad. Worst than a wall. He makes snide remarks and doesn't pass up the chance to emphasize my unimportance. He dumps stuff that he doesn't want at my cubicle and says that he's nice enough to let me have it. Above all, he always emphasizes that he's nice to me. Like hell, I don't need his supposed kindness. LTC Hsien is worse. He's so slack the whole day and he still gets me to do stupid work. Like tidying his computer cables. Like what the hell. I've got my own work that I can't finish and he gets me to do shit.

Well, at least I've discovered the use of web msn. It's fun talking to Shuyang in the morning till lunch. I probably can use it whenever I'm free. But then again. I'm seldom free. I wish I had an understudy helping me. I've gotta wait like a year and a half for that. What disaster. Life is so difficult there. I'm subjected to office politics and I can hardly make any good friends. I hate my life. I hope university comes quickly.

I guess I'm pretty over Serine now. Not that I've stopped liking her. As a matter of fact, I still really do. Just that well, keeping the big picture in mind, I don't want to lose her as a friend. Especially a friend I can relate to so well. Could she really be my soulmate? I don't know. And it's unlikely I'll ever find that out.

I had lunch with Jerry and the other physio guy, whose name I can't remember. He said that he has 2 girlfriends. Like what the hell. How can someone love 2 people at the same time? What kind of man is he? To play on the feelings of 2 girls. If ever I have someone I really truly love for the rest of my life, I'll make sure that I'll stay faithful to her for the rest of eternity. Two-timing is for bastards.

I've been pretty extravagant recently. Let's see what I bought in the month or so.

1) A new computer $2462
2) HWM subsciption $118
3) A webcam $47
4) A thumbdrive $50
5) A network card $9
6) A nike sweater $70
7) A pair of Nike shoes $76
8) An Estee Lauder Toner $60

Grand Total: $2892 (isn't this crazy?!)

New goals:

1) I shall not spend on anything else other than food and transport for the next 2 months beginning 21 September and ending 20 November.
2) Luxury spending is limited to $50 per month within this time period and only on essential items.
3) No personal purchasing of branded goods, especially Nike.
4) Dinner will always be had with my family.
5) Orchard will only be visited once in 2 weeks at most.

Right now, I think I'd just like a big fat bank account. I'm going to give tuition from next year on. Once my leg's much better, I'm going to sign up for tennis lessons as well. I've been thinking about playing soccer again. Somehow, this injury has wiped out all confidence in my ability in that sport. I wonder if I'll ever again be able to walk onto a pitch and play my heart out without being afraid that I'll get another horrendous injury. Sigh.

Last night was pretty eventful. I decided that I should end this impasse once and for all. So I messaged Serine telling her that I'd really like to be friends since we can't be in a relationship and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Yeah, she took 12 hours to reply. But that's it. I guess my decision is the right one. At least we can still continue being friends. I'm not sure if i can just stop liking her. But at the very least, I've to show that. Or else, things will just become bad again.

This is the last time I'll really really like someone. Things just aren't meant to be for me. I guess for the next 5 years or so, I'll just concentrate on my studies and sports and nothing else. Most people probably see me as just a good friend. That spark will always just be missing. Can I hold true to this promise to myself? To not fall for anyone else within this 5 year frame of time? I can't guarantee it, but I certainly hope it will be so. Nothing good ever comes out of relationships anyway.

Anyway, I guess i'm pretty alright now. The sadness is more or less gone, due to things being more certain now. I can't live with uncertainty. Life feels out of control that way. Probably i'll get over my feelings for Serine. But still, it will never change the fact that I loved her for a moment in time.

Woke up to watch Man Utd against Liverpool last night. The first half was vintage Man Utd. Dominance translated into goal scoring opportunities. Wasted ones. I was afraid that not being able to score would come back to haunt the team. But luckily after the own goal, Man Utd were able to recover and score another set piece, the second goal for Mikael Silvestre. Fantastic stuff indeed. I hope the old Man Utd is back and here to stay.

I am now alright. I really am.

Well I guess I shouldn't be thinking of having a relationship now. Things just don't work out for me. Life isn't a drama. There are no happy endings. Will I be a bachelor for life? I don't know. I can't see myself settling down with someone I don't completely love. And usually this person doesn't have the mutual feeling.

Happened with Cassandra once before. That was a punishing period in my life. I don't want this incident with Serine to escalate into that situation. I want to enjoy my life. It's not meant to make me sad. life is short. I shall enjoy it to the max.

Anyway Serine is a good friend. I don't want things to be awkward between us. I want to salvage the friendship. I'll do anything to maintain this frienship.

I want to privatise my blog once again. These are things that I really need to document and no one to read. Alas, I do not think it is possible. But who cares.

About Nicole. I think what I felt for her, was nothing more than a crush. A long crush. She's a really nice girl. Cool and popular. But definitely not my kind. Not someone I can live with for the rest of my life. It's a good thing that I was rejected. At least we are now still friends. Perhaps at that time I was blinded by circumstances. getting over a crush is as simple as snapping fingers. However, this time it was even easier. Probably due to Serine.

Yes, about Serine. Started chatting with her about, I think 6 weeks ago or more. And it seems that there's nothing we can't talk about. There's just so much to talk about that every conversation is fun and enriching. And I guess along the way, I started to have feelings for her. Not deep at first. I felt that we would make really good friends. And I still feel that way. But along the way, I realised that she was different from just a good friend. I started to really like her. There was this special feeling that I couldn't help getting. But right now, knowing that she has someone else she likes, whether it be real or be to give me the hint that we can't be together, it still can't change the way I feel for her. I don't know. haha. It's still a mystery why we can click so well. I really thought she is that special person I've been looking for. Well, I guess not. At the very least, we're still friends.

About Cassandra. I sincerely thank her for being around when I need her. Whether it's getting presents or sharing sadness. She's a friend whom I can really count on.

About Shuyang. Another person I'm grateful for. Also being around when I need her. Distance doesn't diminish friendship.

About Jerry. Haha, my new found friend. Ri, rj, acl tear, acl recon, physiotherapy, now bullion park. Lol. Seems like circumstances want us to be friends.

My life has taken several ups and downs. Just as I felt that I was on top of the world a few days ago. The harsh realities and a sudden sad realisation just brought me crashing down. I guess I just have to cope. I won't stay sad forever, life has to go on. But my feelings won't change in a jiffy.

I wish life had a save point.
I wish life had system restore.
I wish life had a restart button.
I wish life had undo.
I wish..I wish..

I feel terrible. Like cold wind cutting my cheek. Time seems to freeze whenever you're either really enjoying yourself or you're really hating the moment.

It just took a sad realisation to destroy me. I feel like a fool. Like taking a walk in the dark, striding into quicksand, and struggling to get out when all I'm doing in sinking deeper and deeper.

There are times when I just want to cry. This feels like one of them. But nothing, nobody is worth my tears.

Yesh! Finally, the magazine has been sent. Agonizing wait of 15 days. But disappointing. The article that i wanted to read wasn't there as they said would be in the previous issue. The article comparing the 4 latest 12ms response time lcd screens. Hmmm..never mind, I've already gotten one. And the one that I have now isn't even being compared. Must be too good or too lousy.

I've decided to get a webcam. Probably the Logitech Quickcam express. Cheap and good enough. $49. Or should I go for quality and cost. Logitech Quickcam zoom. $119. But comes with a mic, zoom function and auto face-tracking feature. Usually I'm so obsessed over quality. Like, I've got to get the best for everything. But I think I should make the wiser decision this time.

Gonna cut my hair tomorrow too. Think it's getting long and messy. But I think the current length is good for styling. Maybe just trim the sides and back.

I'm having pretty weird dreams these few days. And last night was a very sleepless night. Think I must have been lying in bed for about an hour or so before I finally managed to drift off to sleep. But sleep didn't come as a solace. There was this weird dream that poped up. Here goes.

I recell going with 2 other friends to go propose to this girl that I like. And one of them was carrying this huge shoulder mounted machine gun. Then I proposed to the girl (think it was just to ask her to be my gf and not wife) and I think she accepted. But after that. It got a bit weirder. there was this huge tank that drove up and started rampaging. I got the girl to cover. Then my friends and I started attacking the tank. There were some other people coming to help us. Apparently we were all army personnel or some special forces group. Then I took over that machine gun and another guy and I started firing at this "red eye" (probably the sensor). The other guy was using a shoulder mounted flame thrower. Yeah. So we did destroy this tank.

-break-

Next scene was at this multi storey carpark. There were 4 counter-terrorist teams. And I was in one of them. We managed to kill one of the terrorist teams but another team found out and came out to hunt for my team. So we had to run away because the terrorists had set a c4 explosive and was going to make the carpark collapse. As my team was running down, I stopped and went back and saw the terrorist leader setting another explosive. Then i dashed at him and grabbed him from the back. He managed to turn around and pulled out a gun and tried to aim it at me. But I managed to hold the gun sky-wards, so I didn't get shot.

This was where I drifted into consciousness, with my heart racing. Sort of a nightmare, but i didn't get up sweating and feeling scared. So probably just an exciting dream. Lol.

Arhh!! I missed the US Open Men's Singles Finals!! Even with 3 alarm clocks, I still didn't manage to crawl out of my bed to the living room. And then I must have felt guilty enough to wake up at 6.30am to watch it. Haha. Yeah! Roger Federer won Lleyton Hewitt in straight sets 6-0, 7-6, 6-0!! 2 love sets, that's like amazing man! Haha, so the most intense match was still against Andre Agassi. Tim Henman and Lleyton Hewitt didn't really pose great challenges. I wish I could be just 10% as good as Federer. Wow! That would be unbelievable already.

I had a weird dream as I went back to sleep at 715. The setting was the medieval ages, when people were still using swords. I was protecting this very important man from a witch or the sorts. And somehow we were in a HDB building(so medieval indeed!). Then the witch appeared. And we started fighting(sword battle). As I was about to win, she suddenly pulled out a musket and aimed it at me and said, this is the end. But I managed to evade the shot and took cover. Then she went after the important person and managed to shoot him. Then she ran away. I went to examine his wound and asked him if he wanted me to go after the witch or call for help. He told me he could still hold out and asked me to go after the witch. So I said I'd come back for him if I couldn't finish her in 15min. As I was leaving, help arrived. A few more knights came and they tended to the important person. And I went off after the witch down a corridor. At the end of the corridor, I had her trapped. She pulled out the musket again but i kicked it off the ledge before she could take aim. Then she took out a long bag with contained 3 long swords that had curvy blades. We started sparring, but I lost. However, the witch didn't end my life there and then. Instead she ran off in a hurry in persuit of the important person. I followed as well but used a different route. And I managed to get there before her because I think she was held up by the knights who were protecting the important person. When I got there, I was very worried, but the man said to me: "life is like a chess game, play according to your strengths"(maybe he's a philosopher). Note: I wonder why I remembered the quote so clearly, but it was exactly this. Then he said he had a plan, and his aide(when did his aide come?) helped him towards the end of the corridor(thid one is joined with another like a loop) and he proceeded up the stairs to the top most level. As we rounded the bend, I noticed the witch coming after us. And I left the group to go around the bend to the other corridor where I saw her again(she must have guessed what I would do). So I ran back to the stairs and ran up. The witch came up too and I wanted to block her way and I reached for my sword behind my back but it wasn't there! the philospher said I must have left it on the gargoyle statue when i battled her in the corridor. As she walked up step by step with her sword drawn, I decided to take the risk and jumped down onto her. I caught her flatly on her chest and we went sprawling down the stairway. Then, many knights emerged and surrounded her. The witch was defeated! Then as we were celebrating the victory on the beach, a giant squid swam up and tried to eat some knights, but everyone managed to evade and the squid was stranded on the shore. Haha. The king exclaimed: "Out main course for tonight's victory banquet!" LOL!

Nothing really much happened in these few days. Oh Man Utd drew Bolton!! 2-2! How pathetic is that?! Another week, another disappointment. Sigh..

I had a dream a few days ago which has been stuck in my mind ever since. haha..No, it's not a nightmare, it's actually a pretty nice dream. Here goes.

The dream began with me on stage with 2 other guys. One was Tzu Xiong(good friend from bmt) and the other i don't know. Yeah we were on stage because we had topped some Chinese exam or competition. And we were being congratulated and photographed. Yeah, next morning in the dream, I found out that I was on the front page of the newspaper! haha. And there was also a short interview also. But the reporters didn't interview me because..I don't know why too. Maybe they couldn't find me. Haha. But it's really cool being on the front page, like instant stardom.

Cool dream right?

Anyway, these days are getting more and more boring. I don't like going for physiotherapy anymore. It's boring and out of the way. I can't believe I travel so far just for an hour and a half of exercise. the travelling time even exceeds the exercising time. Today was worse. I missed the bus and I waited so long for the next. Then, the meepok stall at Ghim Moh market closed early so I didn't get to eat my favourite dish of the place. In the end, went home to cook instant noodles.

Yesterday was better. Accompanied Serine to Kwong Wai Shiu Hospital where she had to discuss her project with the person in charge. We were supposed to have lunch at Newton Circus but it wasn't open. Then we went to PS. But I ended up not eating cause we went to B2 where there was no food. I forgot that the food court was upstairs haha. After that, we went to Orchard because she had to get a farewell present. And I hate Yakitori!! Chicken!! When the bird flu is still rampant in Malaysia. No point convincing me it's safe. I wonder whether people like Lee Kuan Yew or Goh Chok Tong still eat chicken. My money's on them not eating too.

I haven't sent out the warranty cards for my computer parts yet. And it's over a week. I wonder if they really void the warranty if I'm a few days late. THEY BETTER NOT!!

And my magazine hasn't arrived yet. Such inefficiency. Well I guess the discount you get for subscribing is to balance off the inefficiency. You can't have the cake and eat it, can you?

My complexion's getting bad now. I wonder why I bother watching tennis matches at 11 when Roger Federer isn't playing. I so hope he wins the US Open. But this time round, Andy Roddick, Andre Agassi and Lleyton Hewitt are all on red hot form. I want to learn tennis. Maybe January? Febraury? Wow..That's really long later. I wonder who I can get to learn with me? If any of you all are interested, do drop me a message.

Haha. Today's bus ride made me remember of a stupid thing i did last wednesday. Last wednesday was exactly like any other day, just that there was this cute girl who boarded the bus at yck mrt. She's from Presbytarian High and from what she was wearing some netball jersey or something. Yeah, nothing very stupid about that. But when I was getting off, I kept looking at her and I forgot to tap my card! DUMB! And I wasted like $2!! haha..But she was really pretty. And she stays at my place too. Just different block.

I watched my first movie in 2 months yesterday!! whee!! It was 13 going on 30 by Jennifer Garner. Met Serine at Lido at 1, then we proceeded to get the tickets. And not out of expectations, we got a small theatre. Lido 7! I've never been to that one before but it was as small as the rest at the back. I think my favourite is still Lido 2. Lido 1 seems a little too big. Lido 3 doesn't have good seats. But after the renovation, Lido 1 is also very good too. ok! Enough about Lido.

The show was pretty nice. About this 13 year old girl who wanted to be cool and she made a wish on her 14th birthday to be 30, flirty and thriving. Yea, and she got her wish. But she found out that she was a really bad person at 30, had no friends, drifted from her parents, etc. Yeah, but she made another wish and she went back to being 13, where she changed her life and future. :)

Then after that, we had lunch at Wheelock Place Burger King. I really missed the Mushroom Swiss Double. haha. And I had it. But it's really expensive though, that's why it's an occasional treat. Serine wrote her farewell card to Jingle at the same time. Jingle's going to University of Wisconsin to do Liberal Arts! wow.

Then we met up with Jingle and Yahui to shop. It wasn't bad, great experience and company. But extremely tiring! And one thing I still don't understand about girls is why they have to visit every store to get what they want. hmmm..I guess guys are really easy about clothes. Not easy easy, but we buy the stuff we like and not browse until we see the best of what we like.

I think Serine's a great girl. Through the 2 years in jc, we didn't really talk much. But when we started talking online this year, it seems like we can never not have something to talk about. That's cool! :)

Today, I went to my grandfather's place again and did some weeding. The garden is really getting full of weeds. haha, I think being a gardener is fun. Not a gardener gardener, but just having a place to tend to and beautify. I love nature. :)

Sadly, my computer is still not working well. The pci wireless network card, the adsl ethernet router the microphone and c&c generals are all not working. I really feel pissed that I've 'wasted' my $300. Should i lug the computer to Sim Lim and let the people configure it for me? Or should I was 4 more months for Huawei to come back and do it? hmmm..bringing it all the way to Sim Lim is really troublesome, while waiting for Huawei is really long.

Right now, my computer is useless. All this new technology and hardware for nothing except for the exact same stuff as the old comp, chatting and surfing. Oh wait now I can't even talk online since the mic isn't working. Damn.

At least I'm feeling better now than on Monday. Thank you Serine! You made me laugh!