Am I really that pathetic

I stumbled across Weiling and her new boyfriend's Batam vacation photos today. I'm not sure how affected I was at first. But it did get me thinking about how quickly they have advanced to take a holiday together when being together for almost 9 months we had never done something like that. Also, Weiling managing to find someone new, someone she loves and who loves her back just made me feel so pathetic. It made me wonder if it was really my fault that things didn't work out with her and whether it's also because of me that things didn't work out with Sarah.

Am I really that screwed up to destroy every meaningful relationship that I had? It's depressing.

Today, during dinner with Sarah's friends, Raymond (one of her A*Star friends) is engaged and was thinking of getting a new HDB flat. The table was talking about how difficult it was to get one because of location and price factors. It also did make me think that people near my age were in stable relationships and were getting married. Whereas for me, I was nowhere even near getting attached. Again, I felt pathetic and I questioned if there was something wrong with myself to not be able to get into a stable relationship. Am I unable to sustain a girl's interest? It is seriously disheartening. I don't want to be alone, and somehow I feel that the more I think that, the more alone I feel.

Seriously, am I that pathetic such that I'm unable to attract a girl to like me and want to be with me?

Love is...elusive

Today, I realized that love is really elusive and I'm getting the feeling I'll never meet the right girl. The thought of this was really quite sad.

Meeting Sarah was like meeting someone who really fulfilled almost everything I wanted in a life partner. No one ever came so close. For this not to work out is really heartbreaking. I told her she was one in a million, and that still feels so real. I suppose at the heart of it, there are just other fundamentals that I had not considered and which came into play.

Clara and I talked extensively about relationships today. She does make me feel wanted, and that she appreciates talking to me and joking around together. This is what I wanted to feel with Sarah. I just have no idea why and how she became so cold. Is this how fleeting love is? Like in a moment you feel it, the next, you don't.

I can't wait to get back to Singapore, to be with my friends again, people who appreciate me, who want me in their lives. Being here in San Francisco, I feel simply like a nobody and that I don't make a difference. I feel like a negative force in Sarah's life; it is as if being here makes her feel like she is a lesser person. I feel extremely small, extremely worthless.

Love is really elusive. I hate to be a cynic because deep inside I am a romantic. I am disappointed that people can't find true love. And it feels as if something within me broke when I think that I won't be able to find mine.

Open to Life

I need to remind myself that life holds endless possibilities. When one door closes, another opens. Very often, I lose sight of that, I sit by the door that has closed and I wallow in regret, all the time not noticing the door that has opened and is welcoming me towards it.

I have to acknowledge that this door has probably closed, as much as I wished for it to open. I seem to be forever trapped in a cycle of negativity that I'm unable to break out of. This has been a huge problem, with Weiling and now with Sarah.

Watching How I Met Your Mother does help. I feel like I'm like Ted, with his romantic gestures, his wonderful notion of true love and how devoted he is to finding it. His break up with Robin and being left at the altar by Stella were huge. They were so huge that it probably could have left him permanently scarred and never able to trust again. However, he still did manage to retain his hope that he will still find his true love.

I need that kind of attitude. There is someone out there for me who will be perfect for me and I will find her. I don't have to settle. At the same time, I shouldn't get so hung up on my failures. Getting stuck in the past will always affect the future. I will have to learn to let go and embrace the future, to be open to the many wondrous possibilities that life would bring.

Bitten many times, time to be shy

Well, history repeats itself, yet again. Sarah doesn't think this will work out and so that's it. And it's simply the story of my life, constantly getting my heart broken, and never learning from it.

The craziness had extended long enough, rationality set in and she realized that I wasn't the guy she thought I was. Or perhaps, she was just flirting with the idea of being with someone again after being alone for a while. I know how she feels, and this time, I won't blame her at all. Each heartbreak seems to make me more and more understanding of the fact that people won't usually work out. Hell, it's easier to not work out than to work out.

It was a simple question, "Do you think we have a chance of being together?" A simple yes would have sufficed and was all I needed to hear. Instead, "I don't know" spoke more than what a "No" would have.

I can't say I'm not sad or disappointed. I truly am, and hell of a lot to be more exact. Every ounce of me is wishing that tomorrow she would wake up and feel that she had made the wrong decision. Though, my fantasies never do come true. I had tried. I came all the way to San Francisco. I did all I can. There's nothing to regret, only a small amount of heartache to accompany me home with.

So this is it, story of my life. I've been bitten many times, could this be the time I finally learn to be shy?

Realignment of expectations

Sarah's really not the type of girl I'm used to being with. I really don't know how to read her to know if she's interested (or still interested) in me. Or rather, I thought she was typical. Well, typical in the sense that when one likes a person, one would show it? Assuming that she does like me, there are 3 possible explanations.

1. She doesn't show her feelings.
2. She doesn't show her feelings like how others would when they like someone.
3. She shows her feelings in a way that I can't quite understand.

Well, all these explanations are posited on the assumption that she has feelings for me. Whether or not that is true has yet to be determined. And I don't find myself anywhere near finding out.

I'm not overly worried though. Or at least, I'm not worried till it shows obviously. Just have fun, and have fewer expectations. Things will straighten themselves as they come.

The feeling of not being needed

I don't really know how to explain why, it feels like I'm an extra in Sarah's life. Whether I'm here or not simply makes no difference to her, and that she's as good having me around or not. Maybe it's really something with RGS girls; they are supremely independent and were brought up to fight for and protect themselves.

It's horrible to think that you don't make a difference and you're not needed. I think it's not just something that I would feel, it's something that all guys would feel. Or maybe, some guys would prefer this because then they would be in a low-commitment relationship, without any emotional baggage. Hmmm, having said that, relationships are about emotions, if without the emotions, how does one still call that a relationship.

At the same time, I always question whether it is that she's independent and that is why she doesn't need to have me around, or is it that she just doesn't want me around.

I still really want to see this working out. Sarah is very special, almost everything that I want in a girl. But is 'almost' enough? And to turn the question over, am I everything she wants?

This also has very strange parallels to the situation with Weiling. I was sure she was the right person early on, she thought I was but wasn't very sure, I said I would risk it to wait for her, and I ended up having my heart broken. Maybe I had rushed at the beginning, we hadn't known enough about each other. And it's just so strange how Sarah thinks the same, that she will always question herself in any decision, and even when emotionally invested, how I said that if she really doesn't think that I'm the right person, it's still okay. Am I making the same mistake twice? Did I even consider it a mistake in the first place?

A whirlwind romance

It's been about 3 weeks since Sarah and I started dating. Somehow, things have just happened so quickly. I've traveled to San Francisco to find her and to see if what we have will work out.

Let me start from the beginning.

We sort of knew each other since more than a year back when Evita brought her to play tennis with JY and me. However, it was just a passing acquaintance kind of thing. I added her on Facebook and that was it, since I believe both of us were attached at that point of time.

Fast forward a year and more. The Tuesday night after my birthday, Evita invited her friends over for Karaoke with Bel, JY and I. We had a good time, and that night Sarah and I chatted over Facebook and then over Msn and Gtalk. I think we really did hit it off. We had so much in common, our values, our outlook towards life, our personalities, and even some of our experiences. That was the week I had laid down my resolve to start dating again and somehow, Sarah's appearance just seemed perfect. I had never met someone like her, who shared so much with me.

Well, the talking led to us dating. We met the next day to read at Borders, but ended up chatting over tea at the Coffee Connoisseur at Paragon. It was like we brought out Msn chat offline. Things were still incredibly comfortable and just felt right. The fact that I was still so comfortable with her not through Msn was huge to me, because sometimes I just could not connect with people after meeting them. With Sarah, everything just clicked.

The next day we watched Nodame Cantabile, a show that both of us liked a lot for the music. We had both watched the anime and live-action. Things were definitely going well.

We made plans for the next day, which was a morning walk to see the sunrise (!!!) and then tennis. That didn't work out though because it started raining like crazy. So it seemed that we wouldn't have been able to meet on Saturday. However, that night after my grad night and I wanted her to come over to my place for sort of an after-party. She couldn't come though, so I decided to drive over to meet her instead. The wine was good, the conversation was deep and stimulating, and it was simply a great time.

We met next on Monday for our morning walk and then we went to the zoo. It's been at least a decade since I've last been to the zoo. Going with her just made the visit special, being with someone you like and doing something that you have faint memories of when you were a kid. We took a few shots on her polaroid and she gave me a photo of us which I keep in my wallet.

(Somehow I don't see a point in recounting all these, so let's just fast-forward a little)

Tuesday passed quickly. We played tennis in the morning and she went to meet her friend for lunch. In the meantime, I wrote her a card and made her a lily. When she was done, I drove her back home and stayed while she packed to head back for the US. In the card, I wrote about how I felt about her. I know I didn't want to confess my feelings for her face-to-face because it had only been a week. I felt strongly about her, but it was just weird that I could feel like this only just after a week. That night, we talked over the phone about what's going to happen and we sort of agreed to not get together yet but just see if we had a possibility of working things out considering that she would be away in the US for the next 4 years.

Subsequently after she left, we did continue to chat online and skype each other (a lot). And a few days after that, I made a decision to go to find her in San Francisco. The rationale behind this is tw0-fold.

1. It sounded like a solid grad trip plan. I'd never been to the US and I wouldn't have another opportunity to take a 3-week long trip.
2. I wanted to see if we could establish a foundation for our relationship if we were to get there. At the very least, we would have been in each other's company for a lot longer after the trip.

Well, the trip materialized pretty quickly. I spoke to my parents and they were fine with it, and the tickets were booked almost immediately.

Right now, it's been 4 days since I've reached. Somehow, I don't know what to expect from all this. We're like being very couple-y but just not officially together. Hence, I'm not sure what should be and what should not be. We hold hands, sleep in the same bed, hug, etc. Just that somehow, I also feel we are drifting apart, after realizing the differences we have. It is undeniable that 2 people, no matter how similar will have a world of differences. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the past 3 weeks have been so magical that we won't be able to see past these differences and embrace them in each other.

To me, I am one who shows my affection for the people I love. My perception is that Sarah's not. At times, this comes into conflict, like how she tells me not to gaze at her and not to sniff her (or rather, to do that less), which are 2 actions that I only do with the people I have strong feelings for. That, from her, felt like a huge rejection smacked in my face and it sounded like "don't show so much affection for me please".

At the heart of it all, I'm worried that I have been moving by myself these past weeks and that I imagine us being further along in the relationship than we really are. To me, the length of a relationship isn't measured by time. Rather, it is measured by depth. Even though we had only been with each other for 3 weeks, it certainly does feel a lot longer. I have the feeling that Sarah and I see it differently. After having just mended a broken heart, I wish not for it to be ripped up again and trodden into a million pieces.

Would this whirlwind romance be life-defining, or simply a summer fling for the history books?