The boys are 9 months old / my scar is 1 year old

I'll start with the second part of my title first.  This is my scar, 1 year later.

One year ago, to the date the boys lives were saved.  It was one year ago that a scope was placed in my belly by a team of doctors guided by the Lord.  It's also sweet Hadley's birthday.  She would have been a year old today.  Please say a prayer for her family.

Looking back on that day brings me to tears.  We woke up very early and headed in.  When we got to Cincinnati Children's only half the lights were on.  It was a different place at 6 in the morning.  After I checked in to the hospital, we went upstairs to the Fetal Care Center where there was a small staff waiting for us and only us.  They prepped me, then wheeled me back down to the OR where I went in for pre-op and Rick had to say goodbye to me.  I was in good spirits.  They gave me some medicine to relax me anyways, and before long it was time.  Before they started I just kept reciting my prayers in my head, "Dear Lord, please be here with us, guide these doctors and ultrasound techs to get SAFELY to the right vessels, save my boys, PLEASE."  I was so confident that this surgery was going to save their lives, so long as my water didn't break, which was a 7-8% risk of going in there in the first place.  I will never forget when it was over, Dr. Crombleholme spoke out and said, "We're all done."  I replied, "Thank you for saving my boys."  I will never forget the words that came out of his mouth next:  "We may lose the little guy.  If we do, it will be in the next 12-24 hours.  They were sharing a major connection that was the majority of his blood flow to the little guy, and we had to seal it.  I'm sorry."  My heart sank.  I'd never felt such heartache like I did then.  I don't want to ever remember those words and the way I felt, but it's so real.  Looking back on that day last year, I don't want to imagine how different my life would be had I woke up that next morning for the ultrasound, and for Parker to be gone.  I know Hadley was watching over him; she was doing one of her first jobs in Heaven.

I can't imagine my life without this sweet happy guy

On to the happy stuff.

9 months ago these two sweet baby boys decided it was time to make their entrance to the world.  These past 9 months have gone by way to quickly.  What happened to my babies who loved to cuddle and sleep all the time?  They don't want to be cuddled hardly at all anymore, and just want out of my arms!

Leyton is getting in to things.  He has to touch EVERYTHING.  Then of course he wants to put it in his mouth after he gets his hands on it.  He can get around if he really wants something badly.  He doesn't crawl, but he hops. He gets up on all fours, rocks, then leaps.  Then he repeats this until he gets there.  Luckily he's really interested in his toys (and the dogs toys) so he doesn't have a desire to go too far.  He is still crossing his eyes a lot.  I'll take him back to the opthamologist in a couple weeks, but afraid they are going to recommend surgery for him.  I am getting sick of people noticing his eyes, and it's really getting to me. I know he can't tell people are judging him, but I can feel it and it hurts ME.  Guess it's a mama bear thing.  He's becoming interested in feeding himself.  He can now hold his own bottle, and pick up and drink water from his sippy cup.  He's practicing on picking up snacks now, but hasn't quite figured out to release once he puts it in his mouth.  He still only has one tooth, with one about to bust through any day now.  At our well check yesterday, he weighed 16lbs 8oz (less than 5th %ile for his actual age), he's 26 1/2 inches long (5th %ile for his actual age), and his head circumference is in the 50th %ile for his actual age!  So basically he's long and skinny with a big head.

Parker is now sitting very well on his own.  We still put pillows around him because he doesn't fall so gracefully.  He is also a little chatterbox.  His favorite thing to say is "dadadadadadadada" over and over again, all day long.  He is getting good at the quick "dada" and "daddy" but not sure he associates it with Rick specifically.  He is still mister happy go lucky.  He smiles at all the ladies, and he giggles at Leyton a lot.  Parker isn't going in reverse as much as he used to.  He's pretty much staying in the same place, so hopefully the forward movement will come soon.  Parker still has no teeth.  His bottom teeth seem to be taking FOREVER to come in.  They are still bugging him a lot.  One is getting close, so hopefully in a couple more weeks he will have a tooth.  He is eating a lot better, and he gets fed a lot of yogurt.  The yogurt is my latest attempt to fatten him up.  The pediatrician thinks he looks nice and healthy, with some fat and definitely not malnourished.  He's not concerned about his weight and development at all.  He's doing very well for a 9 month old with an adjusted age of 7 months.  He weighed 13lbs 9oz, 25 1/4 inches long, and all of him is in the less than 5th %ile for his actual age.

Let's see, what else is new this month.  Oh yes, I took them to visit my grandparents at Lake Texoma last weekend.  Rick was out of town, and my mom was making a trip up to their house, so I thought why not?  After packing the car full with all their gear and the dog, we had a successful trip.  My grandparents enjoyed getting to spend a lot of time with them.  I am still cloth diapering them, and still making their baby food.  I really enjoy doing both.

Only 3 more months to plan their birthday party.  I wasn't so crazy to start planning a month ago, because here another month has gone by and I have barely done anything!!!  At least I have started!

Hopefully we will get the details with our kitchen update rounded out soon.  We hope to have it started in a few weeks, if I can ever find granite that I like.  It's so annoying looking at all these slabs and not being able to find one.  Once they get going, it will probably take about a week for them to complete.  Let's hope so!

Until next month.....

 On their 9 month birthday

What a year brought me

One year ago, I woke up in the morning and headed to work.  I was a happy mommy to be expecting identical twin boys.  Everything was just peachy.  Then, that afternoon, a huge storm came in and rained on my parade, or should I say it rained on my LIFE.  One year ago today, our boys were diagnosed with Twin-Twin Transfusion Syndrome / TTTS.

I went in for what seemed to be a "let's just double check" with a new doctor, the amazing Dr. Zaretsky.  During the ultrasound, I could see what was wrong.  I watched the DVD they gave me the other day.  In the very beginning, you can see the tech looking for their dividing membrane.  They are hanging out at the bottom of a big black spot, together.  Previously, you could see a membrane running right down the middle, clear as day.  I don't know why I didn't notice you couldn't see it on this ultrasound.  Then the tech stops and moves the wand around by Parker's head.  There is the membrane.  Between his chin and his chest, you can see a line.  He was literally shrink wrapped in his half of the sac.  Of course the tech did not point this out to me.  How sad it made me to see this.  There my baby was clinging for his life, and at that point, I just didn't know it.  The rest of the ultrasound went on, and at the end when I saw the 29% size discrepancy, my heart sunk because I knew they had TTTS even before the doctor came in.  I cried.  I cried and cried and my heart LITERALLY hurt.  I am getting upset thinking about the way I felt that afternoon turn long evening.  We went up to cardiology for the boys' ECHO.  By the time this was done, Dr. Z had come up to tell us that we needed to get to Cincinnati ASAP.  He told me they would be calling in the morning, so start planning our trip.  I was also given a prescription for Procardia, which is a blood pressure medication that lowers my blood pressure to help alleviate some of the stress on Leyton.  I didn't know if I could drive home.  Rick and I had met there, so he told me to go home and that he would get my medication.  I was at home crying, telling my mom about everything.  She was living with us at the time.  She comforted me until Rick got home.  He had lacrosse practice that night, and he went a head and went because he needed to blow off the stress.  I just cried in bed, and took my medicine.  I wanted to be alone.  I tried to get up to use the restroom and immediately almost fell.  The medicine took some getting used to!  I am not sure I slept that night because I spent much of it praying and crying.  I woke Rick a few times crying, I do remember that.  This was my darkest day.

Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, I struggled.  I struggled a lot more than I ever told anyone.  You just DO NOT know the fear a mother has that she is carrying a baby (or two) that has a grim prognosis.  There's nothing to be done.  You can't change it.  You pray and pray, but still it hurts.  Wondering if you will have a heartbeat (or two) at the next week's ultrasound.  Being on bedrest, you have PLENTY of time to think of the what if's.  I prepared myself to lose Parker.  I prepared myself to have to return one of the cribs we had finally picked up.  I couldn't buy anything for them, because I didn't know if there was going to BE a them.  It wrecked me.

On the flip side, I spent a lot of time in prayer.  My relationship with God had turned into a full on plea.  I begged Him every day to save these boys.  I eventually was able to buy some things for them, knowing that if I did lose one, I would have to return it.  Their innertwin membrane ruptured, I was told I would have to be admitted to the hospital soon, and I looked at it as the lessor of bad things that could have potentially happened.  I was heavily tried when I could feel them switching sides.  Their bodies would cross over one another.  I thought they were going to get tangled up before I could get to the hospital.  They only did that for a few days thankfully, because my positive attitude I just found wasn't so positive.  I had a couple panic attacks, but I just kept praying and praying.  Slowly, I began to see the positive in things as the weeks passed by.  Going to the hospital was hard, but it really wasn't that bad since I got to hear their hearts beat several times throughout the day.  I could finally relax and stop wondering.  I spent EXACTLY 3 months on bedrest.

After my boys were born, again I was changed forever.  Not just because I was a new mother, but I knew I had them; they were HERE.  They made it.  They survived.  My prayers, and the prayers of thousands of others were answered.  My faith was strengthened, and my outlook on life was forever changed.  I look at people differently.  I used to get frustrated at strangers,  but now I give them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe something big is going on in their life.  Maybe they've just lost a loved one.  Maybe they really are just a jerk.  Regardless of the situation, EVERYONE needs a prayer.  I look at so many more things with gratitude.

I have met some mothers online in TTTS support groups that have lost one or both babies.  Their strength encourages me.  I know they'd kill to be in my shoes, and I'd kill to do anything I could to have saved their babies.  This is something very sensitive and personal to me; and until you've been there, I don't expect you to understand why I shed tears over other's lost babies.

Maybe there is a reason why being a twin mommy is so much easier than I thought it would be.  I rarely let myself get frustrated with them.  Maybe yet again it's my subconscious reminding me that I killed for both of these babies to stay alive.  They cry, they fuss, they annoy me, but just as I'm about to get mad, I can't.  There are moms with just one baby that would die to be in my shoes.  I whine about it being so difficult to do things and get out of the house with 2 nap schedules to work around, then 2 car seats to load up, I can't take both of them to places with small shopping carts because that would mean I have to use my stroller, and you can't push a shopping cart with a stroller, so you can only pick up a few things.  Sometimes I get down about this, but again, I remember just how lucky I am to have these two little blessings.

In a year I dealt with the most traumatic experience of my life.  In a year I became a mother.  In a year we doubled our family.  In a year we sacrificed my income.  In a year, we became truly blessed.  As I look back on what the past year has brought me, all in all, I am a better person than I was before February 23rd, 2011.