30 July 2012
I realised something today:I'm a non-person, Sarah.
You shouldn't be here; I'm not here.
You may see me, but I'm hollow.
28 July 2012
On the previous few occasions when I actually got down to blog something, my inspiration tended to run dry halfway through, so I never published anything. Usually my posts have to pass a coherence test (unless I am ranting, which I am doing, right now) before I post them up.Just a while ago I was writing about the issue of guilt trips. Halfway in, I found myself at odds with myself. I thought, so is it a good thing or bad thing? It is bad because it is manipulative. However, it is also good because it helps make the person behave in a better fashion. Subject to personal opinion on what is "better", of course. But if the victim of guilt trip actually agrees with the manipulator, then how is that manipulative? Confusing. Just an example of the kind of obstacles I run into while trying to write something coherently.
Brain seems to be going into overdrive these few days. I wonder if my extremely long sleeping hours has anything to do with my brain needing the time to cement the things I assimilate during my waking period. Most probably I am just being lazy.
These days I occupy myself with trying to learn Python, which is a programming tool. (I wanted to say programming program, but saved myself in time.) Then there is also the huge stack of year 1 and 2 notes from my friend. Going to go through hell trying to finish those. All this while trying to read up further on cutting-edge physics - although this is going to be a long shot because I really, really need to brush up on all the fundamentals. Then there is my piano. Trying to conquer new songs, slowly. Gymnastics is really awesome. You know how in training you always hit a peak, then you plateau for a bit, maybe even fall a little, but then you come back and hit a higher peak? I feel like I just crossed a gigantic plateau that has been stopping me for awhile. Plus the amazing website my other friend introduced me to, Coursera. I took up a course on Quantum Computing. Free of charge. Have to find the time to watch all the webcasts though.
Suddenly, there is so many things to do and so little time. Oh my gosh, and school is starting soon as well. What am I still doing blogging this? Perhaps it is an innate urge to share with the world how awesome I am - which is an extremely narcissistic thing to do. I wonder, am I secretly craving for approval from an unknown audience in the internet? Do I hope that some of my friends will read this and think, "What an amazing life he has." or maybe think "What a retard.". I mean, even if they are from the latter case, what if I am using that as a motivation to prove them wrong? So that one day, I can go up to them (or not, since I do not know who they are anyway) and say, look at me! I did it!
This is getting out of hand.
At this rate, I will be placed in an institute pretty quickly, and it will not be an educational one.
I guess these are the effects of trying to figure out the human psyche. Truly, respect for psychologists and psychiatrists out there. I would never last a day in the field.
Perhaps I should just disappear?
Why am I even writing this down.
I should be maximizing my time instead.
Ubiquitous assimilation. My favourite phrase from "Detachment".
I should not be telling you (the audience) this.
I am wasting precious time.
Which makes me think about the Colorado shooting during the Batman movie the other week. About the people who died - they had their lives ended so abruptly. It could have been anyone. What if I go? I still have so many unfinished businesses to finish (which all cropped up suddenly!!!) before I leave this plane of existence. I want to leave a mark!
But I guess, if I go, oh well. Too bad for that, then!
By the way I have not watched Batman.
This rant is getting far too lo
22 July 2012
Alcohol is poison.Felt totally smashed today when I woke up. Thank God I had nothing scheduled today. I felt so sick. Nothing a good rest in bed cannot heal, but still, the nausea is murderous.
I shall put this part of my life behind me now.
17 July 2012
You know, I really thought that I got it.The whole issue of me moving from dependence to independence, is that this sequence is incomplete. After independence, I still have to move on towards undependence.
In my childhood, I always tried to be an obedient and industrious student. The approval given by the teachers always reinforced my notion that I was a model child. These sentiments conveyed by them helped to build up my own impression of myself. As my thinking process continued to mature, I became aware that authoritative figures are not necessarily correct all the time. They can be wrong in their judgements too. Needless to say, neither can my peers be expected to be impeccable in their criticisms.
Opinions are subjective. Opinions on me are likewise subjective. Opinions may or may not represent truth. What an opinion represents, is a person's perspective on a subject.
I came to this conclusion: Let others say what they all want about me. If they are right, then there is nothing to worry about. If they are wrong, then there is also nothing to worry about, because you know the truth of the matter yourself.
This whole obsession went on for a long time. How long? Very long. From my secondary school days until, well, today. I fancied that if I could be true to myself, then the opinions of others can just go and f-... fly some kites by themselves. Their views could be discounted easily. My own reality was more than sufficient. (Of course, the general rule is that if many, many people say the same thing about you, there is a high likelihood that they are speaking the truth. You would be a fool to ignore that.)
Today I came across an article quite unexpectedly. You can read it at this link below:
http://ramblingtaoist.blogspot.com/2011/02/declaration-of-un-dependence.html
If you bothered to read it, you may not be able to comprehend the references made completely. I myself was clueless to half the things mentioned there. But I grasped the gist of the reflection, I think. Basically, even if I am no longer prone to the influence of what other people think of me, I am still under the control of the self-image I create for myself. This was a great insight to me.
This self-image defines who I am. When I am faced with a choice, do I respond with compassion or cruelty or apathy? Things like that. Because of who I believe myself to be, I will behave in a particular way. My own opinion of myself thus takes control of me in this way.
This is where Zhuang Zi comes in. To Zhuang Zi and his followers, it is not enough to be independent. The ultimate and natural state of being is to be free from all dependence. It is to be undependent. This includes dropping of all opinions, including self-opinion. It is to become empty.
But being "empty" sounds so cryptic and ambiguous. What exactly does that mean?
My own interpretation of being empty is to be thoughtless. It is to be spontaneous. It is to act without thinking: "Is this right? Is this wrong? Which is the best course to take?" It is to do what comes most naturally to myself, without thinking. In that way, I would be in harmony with the universe.
In theory, this sounds easy. I was elated for a little while because I thought I found the perfect resolution to my inner conflict. But I wonder, what does it really mean to let go of self-opinion? How do I know when I am truly empty? More importantly, how do I distinguish between this "natural feeling" and my own "preconceived ideas"? Are my intuitions not a integral part of my own self-created personality?
Things are not as simple as they initially seemed to be. Thanks to this philosophical insight, I now have an answer that raises even more questions. Well, that was to be expected, anyway.
Before I can move anywhere, I must find out what this self-image I created really is about. The layout, the structure, the materials, the foundations, all the specifics. If I can understand that, perhaps then I can deconstruct it. Perhaps then, I would be able to tell the difference and be really free.
16 July 2012
I watched an action film a few years called Equilibrium. But it was not the intricate gunfights and explosive scenes that left a lasting impression on me. What left remained with me all this time was the recurring theme of emotion and society.I love especially this part, in which Preston confronts his partner about skipping the pills that suppresses emotions, in a society where feeling is a crime.
John Preston: I'll do what I can to see they go easy on you.
Partridge: We both know they never go easy.
John Preston: Then, I'm sorry.
Partridge: No, you're not. You don't even know the meaning. Its just a vestigial word for a feeling you've never felt.
Vestigial:
Derived from the word vestige.
A trace of something that is disappearing or no longer exists.
When we say sorry or thank you, do we really mean it? Do we just say it out of habit? Out of protocol? A child quickly learns that he can mitigate his punishment by uttering an apology. This trick can be carried further by proper use of body language and facial expression. Arms hanging loosely by the side while staring intently at the toes, face crestfallen, eyes misty. A grand performance depicting total repentance of the offender usually pays off. Any business man can tell you that you should always give your sincerest smile and maybe even shake hands when thanking a client. This little action goes a long way in making the customer feel valued and appreciated, no matter how misplaced this feeling might be.
The answer is, most of the time, no. We do no longer say what we feel inside. We are, in fact, conditioned since young to follow certain procedures and protocols when dealing with others, always saying and doing the "right" thing. This, for the simple reason that it will make our interactions with others a smoother experience for all.
Sincerity is something that I value highly. So highly, in fact, I consider it to be the most crucial factor in any working relationship. Maybe you do not, maybe you take it for granted. Maybe to you, I am wrong, because it should be the strength of love that decides the success of a relationship. Frankly, to me, the world needs more truthfulness going around. People lie to each other. People make empty promises. People twist words or omit details. All this false appearances get too much for me sometimes. Makes me view the world with scorn and contempt sometimes. Makes me want to disappear into seclusion sometimes.
To be politically correct, to be the model of appropriate responses, is easy to do. To align your emotions to actually feel what you say and do, now, that is the difficult part. If you want to be sincere, I think that the proper thing is simply to not say or do what you do not feel. If you do this, you will quickly realise how strange you have become to others. They will think you odd, for being different. They may even conclude that you are simply rude and refuse have any associations with you any longer. Which is worse: To apologize even when you are not sorry, or to admit the truth that you are not one bit remorseful?
Society always pressures individuals to conform to the norm. Even if the norm is not your cup of tea. The first time I refused to go to church with my family, I told them, I find church to be a waste of my time, so I am not going. My parents became angry and the household was full of shouting and aggression. Repercussions of my actions were severe enough to shake me. I had disrupted the peace within the family. Latent threats like this always loom in the background whenever you have a choice to follow the crowd or your heart. This is why the individual finds it better to just say a simple sorry, even if he does not mean it.
Good for you, if your heart wishes for exactly what society expects of you. If you really are honestly contrite, no conflict there.
We are afraid of being different. That people will not accept us for who we are. So we build up a false persona, but in doing so, become a vestige of the persons we were supposed to be.
Perhaps the only way out of this mad situation is to not mind being an odd bird. Sure, the other other ducklings will laugh at your antics, maybe even despise you for it. But as long as you do not let them bother you, you will be free to do as you wish. You can be you.
As an after-note, it should not be automatically assumed that typical behavior is undesirable or bad. In most cases, these standards have been established over time because it is advantageous to the society and individuals alike. However, these rules of expected behavior or speech may become outdated or evolve to become oppressive in nature. That is when we should drop them. God grant you the wisdom to discern the truth.
Thank you very much. I mean it.
(Maybe not, but you cannot really tell, because you are not me.)
14 July 2012
You cannot be detached and stoic on one hand, and full of life and joy on the other. That would be being two-faced. Then why do I swing from extreme to extreme? Perhaps I am bi-polar. A man torn into two. Like the "tension of opposites" in Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. The feeling of being pulled in opposite directions like a rubber band. Not good, not healthy. Not a sign of normalcy, is it? I mean, people may feel this tension too, but to such extremes? I definitely do not consider myself normal. Already, I can see myself differ so much from my family. As an aggravating factor, most people think I am queer in some ways or others.Head:
I am different because I tend to reject the mainstream culture. And I absolutely hate trivialities. And formalities. And bureaucracies. Here is an example of what can make me royally pissed: I am now sitting through an award ceremony and the emcee announces the prize winner. The lucky fellow goes up, shakes a hand, takes a picture, and shares a few words. I should have been doing something more worthwhile, not wasting time away seated in some silly hall, listening to the puppet droning about his oh-so-wonderful journey to success. Not jealous. Just the gnawing feeling that there were better things to do with the time that was being stolen from me.
In some of my more deluded fantasies, I am superior to common man because the mere mortals either do not know, or do not want, to think for themselves. They go through life placidly and in a daze, without giving thought to the bigger questions, or seeing the bigger picture. They are always seeking for position and recognition, so that their zombie comrades will clap them on the back and congratulate them on a job well done. The truth is that fame and fortune do not last. Let a decade pass, and who will remember you? Ten years passed and they still remember? Try a century! And if that is not enough, perhaps a millennium, or ten of those, or a million years - just to be certain. They are superficial and shallow. The worst part is that they may not even realise it.
During my low moments, I wonder if I am the naive one. I could be out there enjoying the most deranged of decadent debaucheries, yet here I am, musing over intangible metaphysics. They are taking everything they possibly can out from life and I am wondering if there is a catch.
I might be bordering on a blend between inferiority complex and narcissistic personality disorders. I feel totally inadequate to face the challenges awaiting me, so in my need to improve, I practice asceticism to a fault. Yet at the same time, I feel that I am already more of the Übermensch, that Nietzsche described, than the others ever will be.
Heart:
I love a laugh and like to trade quips. I always think that people are inherently good, sometimes aggressive and abusive, but they probably just had a bad day (or week, or that time of the month, or year, or life) so they take it out unreasonably on other innocent people. If they actually understood what they were doing, they would be terribly apologetic for their actions. But let us get back to the topic. Socially, I have no problem. People always tell me I am friendly and approachable. (Coincidentally, those are two of the more popular words used to describe just about anybody you just met. Other examples of overused descriptors include, but not limited to: Kind. Caring. Thoughtful.) A weird fact about me is that I used to leave my handphone switched on beside my pillow every night because I had the craziest idea that if any of my friends were depressed and suicidal, they might try calling me. And the because my phone was right beside me, I would wake up, be there for them, and save the day (or night)!
Life is to be a bundle of joy. Every moment is unique and should be relished. I try to do things as if experiencing it for the first time, so as to keep things fresh and delightful. I actually believe these things. I am foolish and gay. (My intended meaning will definitely be twisted to fit the grooves of your crooked thoughts, but the pun was worth the laugh, right?) I like to try new things. I like to be spontaneous. I like action. I like how my friends make me smile and how I make them smile. I love the happiness around and abound.
Head:
We both know why you stopped keeping your phone beside you, or even switched on, while you sleep. No one is going to call. No one you know has serious problems to deal with. Even if they did, why would they call you? You are like a ghost to them. They would contact their other friends who actually show concern and attention actively. No one needs you to be their superhero. You need to stop dreaming. You need a wake-up call. A harsh one.
You are so careless and impractical. Running around like a free spirit without a care in the world? Ridiculous. The world needs practical ideas, not simple-minded idealistic thinking. And the absurd assumption that all people are inherently good? Humans are highly complex people. And cannot hope to understand them! You hardly even know yourself. All people have carry baggage. They may not show it to you at first, but sooner or later, they do. And they dump it onto you. And you can start burying yourself in the mound of emotional crap that they give to you.
Happiness is a myth. The human condition is suffering. Happiness is what you hypnotise yourself to believe because it is the easier than admitting to the truth. It is your escape mechanism. You numb your brain with endorphins so that you do not need to deal with the stupidity of humans in general.
Heart:
A rebel. Something we all have inside of us. They are anarchists, that is what they are, and that is the truth. They love chaos. They just want to see the world burn. That is what you are. You want to disagree for the sake of disagreeing. You back up your arguments with hard statements and irrefutable logic. That group of kids are wasting their lives sitting around a table, laughing loud enough to disturb other patrons, talking distinctly enough that others can make out the crude details of the jokes they are make. The singer who got famous and started signing autographs and appearing in interviews instead of singing? He lost his direction and let fame get to his head. The impatient and contemptible man who presses the elevator button repeatedly, as if it will egg the lift to move faster. Humans are hopeless. But are these sound statements? Maybe they just reflect your own corrupted line of thought. Never trust arguments, because lawyers can make the innocent man guilty, the guilty man innocent, and prove to you that this post was written by a troop of monkeys.
Rationality does not so that we can discern the truth of our opinions. Rationality is not objective. Rationality exists so that we can use it to strengthen our own position in any argument. Reason is a slave to personal opinion. Why do you think there are so many hard-headed people who believe in untruths with so much confidence and conviction? You believe in your own twisted type of ideal too much. You trust too little in alternatives. You are a bigot.
Have you never seen kindness in your life? Individual cases are by no means isolated ones. You just need to open your eyes in your daily life. Even in large groups, people can work collectively for good as well. When the tsunami struck in 2004, people around the world responded. When the nuclear reactors malfunctioned and resulted in a radioactive catastrophe, people acted themselves selflessly to remedy the situation in spite of the radiation exposure. You cannot always look at the negative. There is good out there. And that is the truth.
Head:
I am not a bigot. I am not some headstrong bull who only charges down a straight line. There is good. I admit that. But the good is too few and far between. You cannot hope to save them all. The selfishness of the human race outstrips its rare altruistic streak. Let them save themselves. You cannot hope to change them, after all, you can only change yourself. You will only bring grief upon yourself if you continue to hope for the impossible. (I suppose I should write "remotely possibly, and mind you, it is very remote indeed" but do you not agree that it sounds more persuasive with "impossible"? It suggests of finality.)
I am open to alternatives. Suggest to me one thing - one thing that is viable and has a chance of success - and I will attempt it.
Think about it, how can one man hope to change the world unless he gains power in this world? Until he has power, no one will listen to him. Power is essence. And in the process of gaining power, he inevitably becomes a part of the whole system and is consumed. Lost within.
With love? Jesus attempted the unlikely method of changing the world with love. Limited success. Led to much strife in the name of religion as well.
Trying to find other like-minded people that can complement us is out of the question. Probably easier to search for a needle in a haystack, or a barn-house full of hay.
Believe me, I have run through our possible courses of action, and there is no choice, really. It will have to be a solo trip.
We both want to know the truth. We both want to unlock the secrets of the universe. You cannot do that when you are distracted by the insignificant issues that they love to occupy themselves with. What you should do, is to detach yourself from the greedy and hedonistic world. Their world is full of vanity and folly. Meaningless. We need to focus. We cannot procrastinate. Time is precious, too damned precious to waste. We do not live forever. If we dally too long, we may eventually find our answers not in life, but in death. If there even is an answer. I do not like maybes. I want certainty. I will not wait for a "maybe" answer in the "maybe" afterlife. We have this one chance in this one life. Do not squander it away!
Action! Now!
Heart:
I know the facts. And I know our goals. There is scant room for negotiating. But pray tell, since our emotions are so intimately connected with our nature, how can we ever find wholesome answers to our questions if we completely neglect our capacity to feel?
Head:
You know, I really have no idea. But will you not try, anyway?
13 July 2012
I decided last night that I would be examining my character today. In brief, I am neither here nor there. I know what I want, but I do not know how to get it. I am a man trying to look for a black cat in a dark room, provided the cat is there at all.You know how in some fighting shows, there is bad-guy martial artist who trained all his life in order to serve as the ultimate leanest, meanest, killing machine for the evil boss? His sole claim to fame would be that he is the best in his field, and no one can beat him. Then there comes along the good-guy, who is usually a weakling at the beginning who gets bullied and pushed around. He undergoes some major blood-sweat-and-tears sort of training and, lo-and-behold, comes out a different man. A hero. Then the two rivals will fight and the good guy wins, and justice is dealt to the evil boss and on and on.
The thing is, I am not sure but I feel that I might become the bad-guy martial artist. I want so strongly to be so focused that I am willing to give up a lot of things. Emotion-wise, social-wise, I think I have nearly shut myself in. Not fully, mind. I do not think I have enough courage to do that yet. Just yesterday morning I broke almost all my rules - although it was not until later that night when I decided to make a list of rules. Anyway, I always had a rough idea of how I should be behaving. I simply decided to make it official and wrote it down, in no particular order of importance.
Rule: Never initiate a conversation.
Rule: Never ask more than necessary.
Rule: As far as possible, keep answers short, precise and flat.
Rule: Never volunteer information.
Rule: End the conversation if there is nothing important to be discussed.
This is definitely going to make me sound harsh and curt. But I say, let them have their opinions. Let them have their trivial conversations. As long as they do not bother me with petty business, I am fine.
Then why did I get so listless and bored, so much so that I succumbed to the pressure and contacted not one, not two, but three friends? Was it because I was lonely? Is this a weakness? An obstacle I must overcome in my quest to become the best in my field?
What I am afraid of is that once I attain that bad-ass bad-guy ninja-fighter-assassin status, I meet the hero protagonist and inevitable get defeated by him. And in horror at the realisation that I am not the best, I will croak: "But how did you do it? I am the best! You, you are just a nobody!" And in the most dramatic fashion we have come to expect from epic one-liners, he will announce triumphantly: "I won... because... I fought with my heart!" The rest is history.
You see, what I am really worried about is that I am going about this whole business of pursuing my goals the wrong way. What if by dropping all that emotional baggage, I am actually limiting my ultimate potential? What if the black cat is not there because I chose the wrong room to look in?
So, in trying to be what I perceive my self should be, I am really plunging into the unknown. I do not have full confidence that I will become the best; I may fall short terribly. A part of me is repulsed by that fact and therefore wants to be merry and fit in. The other part says, go ahead with this and do not be a coward; great things require great sacrifice, plus I will never know whether I am right unless I try.
This has helped me put things into better perspective.
12 July 2012
In some people, I would like to see a preponderance of Christian fatalism. I say this for no other reason than an ignoble desire to encounter less hysteria among my fellows.One would expect the magnitude of a reaction to be proportional to the nature of the stimulus. When I see a reaction blown out of proportion, it just defeats all my logical conception of why someone would give his emotions such a fantastically unrelenting sway over his behavior. Especially when he is a grown, supposedly mature, adult.
When a man is running late for a meeting, he becomes frustrated at the traffic jam he is trapped in. He takes his anger out the other motorists, blaring his horn and making vulgar signs. I could try explaining to him that aggression is not going to make the congestion go away, but the advice would probably go unheeded anyway. When a child falls ill and is admitted into the hospital, the parents drop all their activities and wait frantically outside the ward. I could point out to them that waiting outside would not make their son recover any faster, since that is in the hands of the doctor, and they might as well be going about their daily business instead. Little doubt that my words would inspire no effect at all.
You see, these people have a sort of passive-resistance towards logical statements when concerned with sentimental situations. They are not prepared to keep their feelings in check and when emotions run high, no amount of dialectic is going to save them from reacting explosively. Trying to use reason in this case would almost certainly make matters worse. It is wiser to just let them exhaust themselves out.
Like I said before, reason will not mitigate this problem of over-reaction. These particular individuals simply will not listen to logic when emotions dominate. What is needed is a change at a deeper level - something that would appeal to their emotions. By adopting the Christian idea that God has a divine plan for us all, situations would become a whole lot calmer. The best part goes something like this: One does not question God's great plan, for who can phantom the mind of God? (I call it the best part because this is what makes the whole edifice infallible.) This effectively means that everything that happens to us is for good, no matter how obscure it may seem. Sound familiar? You must have had Christian friends who made such comments one time or another. And there you have it - Christian fatalism. (This applies to all religions which have an omnipotent, benevolent God.) When faced with an unfortunate turn of events, one can now muse gently that this is God's will, and will accept the tribulation accordingly. Emotionally, this is comforting as there is the notion that God is watching out for you, every step of the way.
Now, if only those believers could put this into practice. The world would be so much more mellow and pleasant to live in.
10 July 2012
In every age, across all the sectors of society, people have problems. Sure, some might have a harder time than others. But there is no need to make the issue bigger than it actually is. Accept the reality of the problem and try not to make it worse.Okay so here is my problem. I will try to state it as plainly as possible.
I dislike the habit of seeking affirmation from others. Facebook, twitter and - oh the irony - blogging are all external symptoms of this internal need to prove ourselves to others. I think people are too dependent on affirmation. I want out from this mindless flaunting. The thing is, it is hard to escape from this madness without looking like a madman myself. I must have had been a hermit in my previous life.
Online social platforms have only exacerbated this trend of showing off. Where in the past, your social circle would have been limited physically, now the internet has allowed for mindless sharing of personal achievements or problems to the world. More likes, more shares, more followers, more hits, more traffic. I want more people to see and be interested in what I am doing. I want to let my all my friends know what I am up to.
Why? Because this makes me feel special. This makes me feel important. This makes me feel as if people care about my life, that I have value. We all want that - to have value.
What is my problem? Why am I so against this?
All these attention-mongering has people to believing that they are popular just because people follow them or like their post or make comments on it. The fact is, the internet has made it too easy to become "popular". This sort of popularity is too easily attainable. They bask in the spotlight and become drunk with the attention. They are dreaming. There is no action. There is no improvement. There is stagnation.
Insidious, that is what social sharing is. All the attention-drunkenness belies the actual worthlessness of popular vote. A large percentage of my generation will never amount to anything more than being a mini-celebrity among their friends. (In fact, all of them can be mini-celebrities in their social circle. Ridiculous.)
Value should come from within. Value should stem from self-respect. A measure of a man is against himself. Only then will he always seek to better himself. He will not become content with the words of encouragement or congratulations showered upon him by his friends. Contrary to what my family and friends might say, I know my value is worth horse-piss because I have not achieved anything in my useless life, so far. So far. This is not a permanent state. I can still make good. That is my hope.
To become better than myself.
I will not feed off solicitude. So, I have to detach myself from social circles.
I do not expect you to understand.
You are still my friends.
I hope that I am still yours.
(Although if we are not, it is no great loss, really. - Just a thought)
09 July 2012
One name is as good as another. Not wise to use your own name.- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly