Went out for dinner with friends. Turned out we ate more than we bargained for. Feeling like a balloon about to burst now.

Whatever happened to eating moderately?

On another note, perhaps I should take a short respite from blogging. We have no friends, we have no enemies. We only have teachers. What if the path that leads to lasting happiness is fraught with sadness and sorrow? What if you were given the chance to settle for an easier route filled with pockets of transient joy? What if you did not know whether or not there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

I wonder if all the great heroes and heroines throughout history found their pot of gold at the end of their journey. Then I think about all the forgotten brave men and women who gave their all yet came up short. Was it worth it? Going through all the pain and suffering only to be cut off abruptly just before enjoying their well-deserved rewards.

The theory is that delayed gratification always gives us a better yield. They never took into account that complications sometimes prevent you from ever tasting the sweet desserts.

Which just reminded me of a conversation from the movie, Remember Me, that I watched a few years ago:

Ally Craig: I have my dessert first.

Tyler: Is that a political statement? A medical condition, perhaps?

Ally Craig: I just don't see the point in waiting. I mean, what if I die while eating my entree?

Tyler: Is that probable?

Ally Craig: It's possible. What if I choke? What if an asteroid come hurling down onto the restaurant?... I'll tell you what, if you swear on your eternal soul that I'll make it through my entree, then I'll wait. But before you answer, consider that if something does happen, you'll have to live the rest of your life knowing that not only did you lie to me, but you denied of my one last indulgence. Are you prepared to shoulder that kind of responsibility?

I can always depend on instant gratification for a good time. But why is it that I still feel compelled to walk along a road that I am uncertain about? What is the purpose of my life?

Is it to be happy? To enjoy every little bit of life as much as I can? Is it finding joy in fine weather or rainy days, gladness in the company of friends or peacefully alone? Is it appreciating the texture of the railing as I slide my hand over it? The cool temperature of the tiled floor? The familiar warmth of my bed?

Some people sacrifice their happiness in exchange for financial wealth. Some others say that riches make them happy. Does it, really?

Will I give up my joy in my search for truth? Although I can say that unlocking the secrets of universe will make me happy, does it, really?

How do I know what makes for true lasting happiness? Do you ever feel so incredulous at the sheer stupidity displayed by some people? Do you ever wish that you could knock some sense in their head? It is as if they grew old but forgot to grow up. They left their maturity behind and only know how to behave childishly, irresponsibly.

Is this what a dictator feels like? When he looks upon his people and sees that they are so damned wayward that the only hope of salvation is the rule of an iron fist. He knows that society could be so much more efficient if only people could fall in line and get their act together. Instead he witnesses men indulging in all kinds of vices and committing all sorts of crime. This cannot go on, he proclaims, someone has to make them wake up. But sadly, no one came along. Sooner or later, he realises that no one will come along - no one cares enough to trouble themselves to save the world. It finally comes to the point when he has to make a stand. Will he turn his back on the world or will he take full charge of the situation?

I guess I am less of a dictator than a fatalist. I have deemed the cause to be hopeless and a waste of strength to save. Let them all destroy themselves in the course of their reckless lives. But I can certainly see how iron-fisted rulers come about. Perhaps the only reason why I am not a dictator is that I do not have the courage to believe that things can ever be right. I cut my hair in the end, because I have to meet the principal tomorrow for an interview. People tell me that I look very different than when I had long hair. They say I look better with short hair. But still, I will try leaving long hair again once my job ends.

A ponytail would be nice. I have this theory that everyone communicates using a specific wavelengths. People with similar wavelengths can connect easily with each other, whereas those with different wavelengths are unable to relate.

Of course, a person might increase his range of wavelengths through much exposure. He would then be more versatile at handling various groups of people. But he would still have his own preferred band of wavelength that he can truly relate to. Most of us, however, lack the patience and strength to accommodate the peculiarities of others - we can only understand our specific narrow band of wavelength. When we come across people of different wavelengths, we find it impossible to understand their motives and actions. We start to wonder: What in the world are they thinking, really? We find the others unreasonable, unfathomable and unpredictable.

Most of my life I have been sheltered and only encountered a small part of the wavelength spectra. These were people I could comprehend and empathize with. As I grew older, I inevitable ran into other kinds of people whose behaviours struck me as odd or repulsive. Slowly, with repeated such encounters, I managed to have some inkling as to how and why they do what they do.

This in itself should be nothing special. Everyone will have to leave their comfort zone one day and face the world (society) in all its complexity.

What is strange is that I find myself starting to drift away from my old friends because I can no longer fully empathize with them. Perhaps their wavelengths changed, or it could be that I am the one who had my wavelength shifted. The things that we used to have in common now quickly dwindle towards nothing. The ideas that bonded us so well together are now obsolete and useless.

It seems that our paths have split, and now I broadcast my wavelengths on an almost empty channel. My friend shared with me what was troubling his mind recently. He and his female colleague at work became really close, to the point of holding hands, leaning her head on his shoulder and even a hug. Nothing official, since neither of them has said anything about getting together. These things just happened, he said. Anyway, of course these things will happen. When two people like each other, they just want to show they care, and they get intimate. His emotions probably messed with his brain.

The case is really simple to me. It is obvious to any blind rat that he likes her and she likes him. So they should let the relationship develop! The problem comes in because my friend is a very strict Christian (he is a group leader in his church) and the girl is not Christian. Neither was she very open to the concept of going to Church when he brought it up.

Same old, same old. I had this problem last time a few years ago when I chased after this Christian girl. When I asked her to be my girlfriend, damn, I got burned. Me, the guy who does not believe in the Christian God, cannot get together with her, the God-fearing girl. What happened next was that we never talked ever after.

So he was telling me, that he likes her, but he knows deep down in his heart that the whole relationship is wrong. As one of the church leaders, he cannot discourage people from getting into relationships with non-Christians while jumping into one himself. That would be hypocrisy and totally undermine the authority of this standing order. As a very devout Christian, he believes that only another Christian will be able to understand his love for God.

And it is true, I guess. If I had utter conviction in my faith, I would like my spouse to believe in the truth as well. How could I allow her to live in ignorance of an all-powerful God while I bask in his glory? I would definitely like her to believe in the very real God, too.

I really do not know how to help him. As I said, the case is really simple to me. Just get together. On the other hand, the case is a real bummer for him. In the end, I think he is going to choose to abandon this opportunity. God before everything else.

Now that's what I call a strong believer.
Real shame about the budding relationship, though. Yesterday my dad decided to point out that I am fat.

So what did I do tonight, but to add supper on top of my dinner. Two scoops of ice cream plus some pratas at Thomson. I live to eat.

That being said, yes, I have become fatter. I really really really need to work harder. Not to worry. I can start tomorrow. Because there is nothing like procrastinating to get things done.

Also, my friend introduced me to a website - calmdownmind - that contains some very insightful articles. I plan to read finish all the entries when I have time. I still have two hours to burn, before the shift ends. This stinks of guard duty all over again. Anyway, I decided I might as well just blog a little.

What started out as an innocent dinner to catch up with my friend from army turned into a night spent partying outside. Slept over at another friend's house, woke up realising I had to go to work, so I walked from his place at Kembangan all the way to East Coast. Stupid of me. I should have just taken a taxi. But then again, my wallet only had $10 left. Did someone steal my money, or did I spend a lot the previous night? Not sure. I suspect someone stole it. Not nice to suspect friends though. Then again, some times life is harsh like that. Just taking it as a lesson to keep my wallet on me at all times.

Working with a hangover is one of the last things I ever want to experience ever again. I went home, ate my dinner halfway, puked, finished the rest of my dinner, then went to sleep off the massive headache. I can totally empathize with phrases like "I feel like I got hit by a truck." or "I got smashed." now. It was that bad. I woke up feeling much better. (Not sure how it could have gotten any worse, anyway.)

I will never look at alcohol the same way again.
And I will never be able to say, "I never got drunk before." because I what I do know is that I have this blank space where my memory of going to sleep should be. It was something like drinking, drinking and drinki- and waking up.

Not fun. What I failed to elaborate last night about being choosing a partner is this: Although you can certainly choose anybody, not everybody will want to choose you.

In economics, we call it demand and supply. If you are a highly attractive and desirable, you will have a generous supply of women. The intersection between your demand curve and supply curve will be correspondingly high. You will be able to win a more desirable woman than if you were repulsive.

God, what the hell am I saying.
Judging people using appearances and attitudes (and maybe even wealth) is making this sound as if people are commodities now. Surely things are more complicated than this? Or is it just fact - just business? I feel like I just violated the sanctity of relationships.

Maybe some things are just destined. I will leave things to fate and let providence decide what the future may have in store for me. Working the night shift at my dad's place really messes with my body clock. Last night, I ended up sleeping from 11pm to 12 noon. I was not even lacking in sleep, mind you. I slept quite a bit the previous day as well. Anyway, working at night also makes it difficult to keep a timetable. I end up sleeping in or taking a nap instead of doing whatever I was supposed to do.

This arrangement is actually not too bad considering that I am currently pretty free for these months. Still, I would love to have normal sleeping hours. There are three things that are important in my life - Sleep, food and exercise. (Used to have a girl in that list, but then again, used to have God in there too, hah.)

Anyway starting from next month, I will be having a proper job. By proper, I mean a Monday-to-Friday morning-to-evening job. Previously all my other ones were part-time, for just a few hours for a few days a week. The good news is that my employer is going to be my alma mater. The bad news is that since I will be going back to school, I will have to make my hair neat again. (Basically means cutting my hair short, damn it. Though I do wonder if I could pull off a bowl-shaped haircut...)

Speaking of which, I will need to take my bicycle to the shop soon. It is in dire need of a major refurbishing. The brakes are worn out to non-existence. I have to stop myself by placing my soles on the ground. The tyres are perpetually flat. I think there are holes somewhere. (Thank you, Captain Obvious.) The bell is missing. The light is broken. Well you get the idea. Once I revive my bicycle, I can ride down to school once again. Just like the good old days. Which reminds me of how old I am already. When I visit the school nowadays, the only ones I recognize are the teachers and my favourite bookshop aunty.

Bringing me to the point about how my father asked about the job I am taking up today, and how he expressly warned me about teacher-student relationships. Cool. Don't worry dad, I'm not that type.

See, the whole problem with liking someone is this.
What can I see in one person, that will make me choose her over another girl? Is it her appearance? Her intellectual ability? Her compassionate nature? Or even a combination of all the countless myriad of factors? The point is, chances are that there will always be another prettier, smarter and kinder girl out there. There will be better combinations of characteristics out in the deep blue sea of people. When that happens, logic dictates that if you like a girl because of her looks/smarts/heart, then when another girl who has better looks/smarts/heart comes along, the new girl will take immediate precedence over your original girl.

The thing is, when you like someone, it is a choice. You choose to like the person and stick with the person. (The best part is if she decides to stick with you too.) (The worst part is when she sticks with you but makes your life a convincing replica of hell.) I got a little sidetracked there. Liking someone is not about some kind of special chemistry you have together. (That would be your hormones at work.) Neither is it how well you click together. (Don't kid yourself. You are definitely going to have conflicts and arguments.) Liking someone is about finding someone and deciding, "Hey, I think this could work out," and committing to the relationship through thick and thin. Although in actual fact, it could also have worked with many other people, given the chance.

If in the end, liking someone boils down to a choice on who you will be settling down with, then here is my point. You can choose anyone. If you are going to use looks/smarts/heart as your criteria, you will quickly realise that there are many other candidates that are better than your girl. There would be no good reason to choose an inferior person to a superior one. So, I can safely conclude that using looks/smarts/heart as the criteria for choosing a partner is a terribly troublesome one - you can never be satisfied with your choice.

The problem is, I hardly have any other workable criteria at hand at the moment. In effect, I have nothing reliable to use to choose a girlfriend. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I can say with supreme confidence: "Don't worry dad, I'm not that type.".

(Please try not to be confused as right now I am treating "like" and "love" as the same thing.)

Of course, love is blind.
So if you see me mentioned in the newspapers for any less-than-honourable deeds, don't sue me. For some inexplicable reason, sometimes I just feel like carving out my heart with a knife.

Don't know what good that would do me though. Why would my brain even make me imagine the scenario? Sometimes in life you feel trapped or cornered. Sometimes your hand is forced. Sometimes you have to make compromises. Sometimes, you abandon the dreams you once dreamt.

We need to be aware of the invisible chains shackling us. Whenever you allow others to project their expectations of you onto you, you are enslaving yourself to their will. As harsh as that might sound, that is the plain truth.
Should I volunteer? What if the others feel I am pretentious and a show off?
I like this black shirt, what do you think of it? You think it's too plain? Well okay, maybe I could get the other design.
Dance is too feminine? I guess it's rugby for me then!
When the opinions of others affect you, you cease to live life to the fullest.

If you like something. Do it, get it, experience it. While you still can.

Before you know it, you will reach adulthood. What happens then is that you suddenly have obligations to your parents to fulfill. Because that is what they expect of you. They brought you up, so you take care of them during their retirement. You could always throw off your imposed responsibilities and fly off to see the world, but chances are that you have been brought up as a filial child and will take good care of your parents. Not only that, you will have bills to pay and jobs to do (and maybe even a family to provide for). After awhile, you become so tied down with all the responsibilities that you lose sight of your dreams.

It is unfortunate that most of us will be unable to fully release ourselves from all bonds that hold us down. However, what we can do is to untie ourselves from those unnecessary restraining chains that we do not need. You must realise, that the only opinions that should matter to us, are the opinions of the ones that matter the most to us. And sometimes you must cast those very opinions aside so you can live fantastically.

Maybe one day you can be your own person.
Don't give up on your dreams.

PS: I am not saying that supporting my parents is not a nuisance or something to be abhorred. It is important to me.
If what I love doing can co-exist just fine with me keeping my parents happy, then there is no problem here. If my passion does not earn me enough cash to support more than myself (although I think they have saved enough for their old age already), or even result in me being separated from them for extended periods of time (then they get lonely, see?), then I will have to make a choice between my dreams and my responsibilities.
In the end, the decision boils down to which one you deem to be more important. There is nothing to lament over or place blame on. Place your vote and move on without regrets. Today I sent my cousin to the medical centre at Bedok. I got a first-hand taste of what it is like being my mother, who has never complained about waiting for me in the car while I run down to do one thing or another.

It is a testimony of her enormous patience that she does not get irritated even when I take longer than expected. Once, because the queue was really long, she had to wait for longer than an hour for me to be ready.

I guess, these are the things that impact us the most even if we do not always know it. After hanging around someone for long, some of the quirks and demeanour of the person tends to rub off onto you. We often try to emulate those around us. In a way, this kind of behavior is simply a manifestation of self-preservation. We want to fit into the group, so we copy the behaviors of the company. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. The ones we surround ourselves with are usually those who are most like us.

So I was thinking, if you want to be aggressive, put yourself in a highly motivated and competitive group. If you want to be assertive, find yourself people who are confident and outspoken. But then I thought, what if you placed yourself in an extremely-supportive circle of friends? Would you become dependable and ever-ready to lend a helping hand, too? Or would you become over-reliant on them and leech on your friends instead?

Perhaps the statement that "The ones we surround ourselves with are usually those who are most like us." is not entirely true. In group mechanics, there are leaders and followers. There are those who play the devil's advocate - coming down hard on the ones who make mistakes - and those who act as the diplomat - applying soothing balm on smarting egos or supplying a few comforting words to cheer low spirits.

How is it that we can have such different characters yet work together so seamlessly?

I believe our values and principles are most malleable during our formation years. After that, what we are is more or less a finished product that will change very little (unless with conscious effort). During our adolescent years, the ones we respect become the very models we would use to carve out our own personalities. Entering adulthood, we surround ourselves with people who complement our own characters (no matter how different).

If I ever have children, I hope I can impart the right values to them and provide them a solid moral foundation so that they will grow up to become respectable people. I hope I can be a role model to them, the way my parents have been to me. (I don't want parasites as children!) Why do you think the majority of people are behaving well?

Is it because they are good?

No, it is because they do not have the means to commit evil.

Consider if you were suddenly free from all responsibility. Given the opportunity, would you choose to cause harm? If you could commit crimes without repercussion, would you do so? If you were so powerful that no one could stand against you, would you destroy the lives of those whom you dislike?

Most people are only lawful because they fear the consequences. They are afraid of fines, incarceration, and even capital punishment. In a lawless land, would they be just as well-behaved? During the riots in London last year, when the streets were in chaos, people started to loot shops. Why would people who were law-abiding citizens just a day ago morph into unscrupulous looters in the next? They do this for the simple reason that they know that they can get away with it. (Well, maybe not everyone, but in the ensuing chaos, most of them will definitely slip away anonymously. And also richer.)

Do not mistake the inability to do evil as good. Most of the time, we have enough awareness of the effects of our actions to know that we would not be able to get away with wrongdoings. That is deterrence enough to keep us in check. When the conditions are aligned perfectly (for bad things to be done), anyone will be tempted. Claiming vehemently that you will not stoop to such immoral behavior when you are still sheltered is premature. It is only when presented with such situations do we really find out where we truly stand in the eyes of God.

Only pray that you will not be put to the test.
Or else, pray that you have the strength to stay true to your conscience. When a man admits that he is dishonest, is he honest or dishonest?

In this world, no one is perfect. Everyone has made mistakes. Most of the time, the best of us are the ones who made the worst mistakes. But what if that is the case, then what is the distinction between the gentlest person and the hardiest criminal?

Do you see, that the crux of the matter is not about your life being flawless. Our lives are already too far marred by our failures and shortcomings. What is important is to learn from our experiences. The past may be set in stone, but the future is waiting to be written.

The first step to being a better person is to recognize your faults. It is the realisation that you are not the good person you thought you were. That at times, you are unreasonable, wilful, selfish, unfriendly, insensitive, ungrateful, critical, indecisive, dishonest and what-have-you. Once you know where you fall short, you are ready to take your next step.

Knowing your faults is one thing, making an effort to change is another. Some people can be foolishly satisfied at stopping at step one, saying "This is who I am, I am special this way, and I am not going to change a single thing about me!" (Yes, I am judging. I wish everyone would strive to be better.) For those who are willing to change, you may find that old habits die hard. But they still can die. Some times you have to make a drastic revamp of your lifestyle in order to mend your ways. Other occasions call for a more gradual elimination of the particular activity.

The most difficult thing about breaking a habit is that at anytime, anytime at all, you can simply fall back into your old patterns. You could be free for a month, a year or even decades. Yet all you need is for a moment's lapse of vigilance to ruin your track record. A good person is necessarily one with extremely strong self-control and a lot of discipline.

While we find that our character can never really be free of stains no matter how thoroughly we scrub, it still is good to scrub anyway. At the very least, the stubborn taint will become smaller, and we may even notice how other parts of us are shining brighter from the constant polish. Slowly but surely, we find that the mistakes we make occur less and less often. And we will be counted among the best. Growing long hair is extremely tedious. The hair grows too slowly for my liking. Today I took a nap in the evening and woke up feeling that the nape of my neck was quite warm. My hair is long and thick enough to trap heat behind my neck!

However, it turns out I might have to cut my hair after all, if I take up the relief teaching job next month.

Nowadays I eat really unhealthily. All the fried food ain't going to do my any good. And my metabolism is not getting any faster. Oh well, just means I have to exercise more. I hope all that trans-fat will not come back with a vengeance when I am older.

He who chases two hares at the same time will never catch one.

Perhaps I have been too distracted with too many things. 3 weeks to make a change. One step at a time. No falling back. You know I was was thinking that if I became my niece's godfather, I would not mind going back to church. Like to guide her on her spiritual journey as well as exploring mine in depth. Anyway she is not exactly my niece. She is my father's older brother's son's daughter. So my cousin's daughter. Distant niece? I suppose.

On another totally unrelated note, the most depressing thing about anything you do in life is that in whatever you think you are good at, someone else out there can do it ten times better than you. The other night I dreamt that I cut my hair short and I actually regretted doing it. Of course, at the time of dreaming I actually believed it happened so I can safely say that I will also regret if I do chop off my hair in real life. Keep growing longer!

Having dreams is cool. Although I think it would be cooler if I could actually remember them in detail.

My dad managed to get the sound working on my computer today. Hooray for that.

I think I eat too much junk food. Just had large fries from macs and a cup of coke for supper. All that potato calories is going straight to my tummy. I should stop telling myself that I will exercise tomorrow. I am just giving myself a lousy excuse. I was busy the last two nights helping out at the office.

Anyway it seems my help will not be required for subsequent Wednesdays and Thursdays so there will be more time to myself. Unless I keep helping out at night, I guess.

I give up on trying to make my computer work. My friend had a genius idea to upgrade my Windows XP to Win 7 and now I have to install all the drivers. I find it frustrating that my earphones refuse to work. Probably some incompatibility with the sound drivers, but even after I installed the latest Realtek drivers, nothing happened. I realise that I am a total computer tech dummy.

I will probably just live without sound on my computer till my dad rescues me.

My day has not been good. I also reversed the car into a low overhanging railing and now the top of the car has a dent and crack about 3 fingers wide. All superficial though. The car can still function as per normal. I will not be forgetting this in awhile though. I will be berating myself for this unforgivable mistake till then.

Other than that, when I went to go visit the baby at the hospital, the carpark was really full. As I was queuing up, a couple was walking to their car and the taxi behind me just overtook me stole the lot. What a bastard. The worst part was that he denied any wrongdoing and claimed that I did not signal my intention and place my hazard light on. What a bastard. What else would I be doing at a carpark? I also flashed my headlights at him - as if that is not enough signalling. What makes my blood boil is that he refused to admit his wrong. So furious.

Live and let live.
Getting an apology is also nothing to gloat about. Nor will it make me any more satisfied. Take it as a lesson on how (not) to treat others. Thank him (that bastard) in my heart for the lesson given.

See? I feel better already.
Just view everything experienced in life as a lesson.
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Went out for dinner with friends. Turned out we ate more than we bargained for. Feeling like a balloon about to burst now.

Whatever happened to eating moderately?

On another note, perhaps I should take a short respite from blogging. We have no friends, we have no enemies. We only have teachers. What if the path that leads to lasting happiness is fraught with sadness and sorrow? What if you were given the chance to settle for an easier route filled with pockets of transient joy? What if you did not know whether or not there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

I wonder if all the great heroes and heroines throughout history found their pot of gold at the end of their journey. Then I think about all the forgotten brave men and women who gave their all yet came up short. Was it worth it? Going through all the pain and suffering only to be cut off abruptly just before enjoying their well-deserved rewards.

The theory is that delayed gratification always gives us a better yield. They never took into account that complications sometimes prevent you from ever tasting the sweet desserts.

Which just reminded me of a conversation from the movie, Remember Me, that I watched a few years ago:

Ally Craig: I have my dessert first.

Tyler: Is that a political statement? A medical condition, perhaps?

Ally Craig: I just don't see the point in waiting. I mean, what if I die while eating my entree?

Tyler: Is that probable?

Ally Craig: It's possible. What if I choke? What if an asteroid come hurling down onto the restaurant?... I'll tell you what, if you swear on your eternal soul that I'll make it through my entree, then I'll wait. But before you answer, consider that if something does happen, you'll have to live the rest of your life knowing that not only did you lie to me, but you denied of my one last indulgence. Are you prepared to shoulder that kind of responsibility?

I can always depend on instant gratification for a good time. But why is it that I still feel compelled to walk along a road that I am uncertain about? What is the purpose of my life?

Is it to be happy? To enjoy every little bit of life as much as I can? Is it finding joy in fine weather or rainy days, gladness in the company of friends or peacefully alone? Is it appreciating the texture of the railing as I slide my hand over it? The cool temperature of the tiled floor? The familiar warmth of my bed?

Some people sacrifice their happiness in exchange for financial wealth. Some others say that riches make them happy. Does it, really?

Will I give up my joy in my search for truth? Although I can say that unlocking the secrets of universe will make me happy, does it, really?

How do I know what makes for true lasting happiness? Do you ever feel so incredulous at the sheer stupidity displayed by some people? Do you ever wish that you could knock some sense in their head? It is as if they grew old but forgot to grow up. They left their maturity behind and only know how to behave childishly, irresponsibly.

Is this what a dictator feels like? When he looks upon his people and sees that they are so damned wayward that the only hope of salvation is the rule of an iron fist. He knows that society could be so much more efficient if only people could fall in line and get their act together. Instead he witnesses men indulging in all kinds of vices and committing all sorts of crime. This cannot go on, he proclaims, someone has to make them wake up. But sadly, no one came along. Sooner or later, he realises that no one will come along - no one cares enough to trouble themselves to save the world. It finally comes to the point when he has to make a stand. Will he turn his back on the world or will he take full charge of the situation?

I guess I am less of a dictator than a fatalist. I have deemed the cause to be hopeless and a waste of strength to save. Let them all destroy themselves in the course of their reckless lives. But I can certainly see how iron-fisted rulers come about. Perhaps the only reason why I am not a dictator is that I do not have the courage to believe that things can ever be right. I cut my hair in the end, because I have to meet the principal tomorrow for an interview. People tell me that I look very different than when I had long hair. They say I look better with short hair. But still, I will try leaving long hair again once my job ends.

A ponytail would be nice. I have this theory that everyone communicates using a specific wavelengths. People with similar wavelengths can connect easily with each other, whereas those with different wavelengths are unable to relate.

Of course, a person might increase his range of wavelengths through much exposure. He would then be more versatile at handling various groups of people. But he would still have his own preferred band of wavelength that he can truly relate to. Most of us, however, lack the patience and strength to accommodate the peculiarities of others - we can only understand our specific narrow band of wavelength. When we come across people of different wavelengths, we find it impossible to understand their motives and actions. We start to wonder: What in the world are they thinking, really? We find the others unreasonable, unfathomable and unpredictable.

Most of my life I have been sheltered and only encountered a small part of the wavelength spectra. These were people I could comprehend and empathize with. As I grew older, I inevitable ran into other kinds of people whose behaviours struck me as odd or repulsive. Slowly, with repeated such encounters, I managed to have some inkling as to how and why they do what they do.

This in itself should be nothing special. Everyone will have to leave their comfort zone one day and face the world (society) in all its complexity.

What is strange is that I find myself starting to drift away from my old friends because I can no longer fully empathize with them. Perhaps their wavelengths changed, or it could be that I am the one who had my wavelength shifted. The things that we used to have in common now quickly dwindle towards nothing. The ideas that bonded us so well together are now obsolete and useless.

It seems that our paths have split, and now I broadcast my wavelengths on an almost empty channel. My friend shared with me what was troubling his mind recently. He and his female colleague at work became really close, to the point of holding hands, leaning her head on his shoulder and even a hug. Nothing official, since neither of them has said anything about getting together. These things just happened, he said. Anyway, of course these things will happen. When two people like each other, they just want to show they care, and they get intimate. His emotions probably messed with his brain.

The case is really simple to me. It is obvious to any blind rat that he likes her and she likes him. So they should let the relationship develop! The problem comes in because my friend is a very strict Christian (he is a group leader in his church) and the girl is not Christian. Neither was she very open to the concept of going to Church when he brought it up.

Same old, same old. I had this problem last time a few years ago when I chased after this Christian girl. When I asked her to be my girlfriend, damn, I got burned. Me, the guy who does not believe in the Christian God, cannot get together with her, the God-fearing girl. What happened next was that we never talked ever after.

So he was telling me, that he likes her, but he knows deep down in his heart that the whole relationship is wrong. As one of the church leaders, he cannot discourage people from getting into relationships with non-Christians while jumping into one himself. That would be hypocrisy and totally undermine the authority of this standing order. As a very devout Christian, he believes that only another Christian will be able to understand his love for God.

And it is true, I guess. If I had utter conviction in my faith, I would like my spouse to believe in the truth as well. How could I allow her to live in ignorance of an all-powerful God while I bask in his glory? I would definitely like her to believe in the very real God, too.

I really do not know how to help him. As I said, the case is really simple to me. Just get together. On the other hand, the case is a real bummer for him. In the end, I think he is going to choose to abandon this opportunity. God before everything else.

Now that's what I call a strong believer.
Real shame about the budding relationship, though. Yesterday my dad decided to point out that I am fat.

So what did I do tonight, but to add supper on top of my dinner. Two scoops of ice cream plus some pratas at Thomson. I live to eat.

That being said, yes, I have become fatter. I really really really need to work harder. Not to worry. I can start tomorrow. Because there is nothing like procrastinating to get things done.

Also, my friend introduced me to a website - calmdownmind - that contains some very insightful articles. I plan to read finish all the entries when I have time. I still have two hours to burn, before the shift ends. This stinks of guard duty all over again. Anyway, I decided I might as well just blog a little.

What started out as an innocent dinner to catch up with my friend from army turned into a night spent partying outside. Slept over at another friend's house, woke up realising I had to go to work, so I walked from his place at Kembangan all the way to East Coast. Stupid of me. I should have just taken a taxi. But then again, my wallet only had $10 left. Did someone steal my money, or did I spend a lot the previous night? Not sure. I suspect someone stole it. Not nice to suspect friends though. Then again, some times life is harsh like that. Just taking it as a lesson to keep my wallet on me at all times.

Working with a hangover is one of the last things I ever want to experience ever again. I went home, ate my dinner halfway, puked, finished the rest of my dinner, then went to sleep off the massive headache. I can totally empathize with phrases like "I feel like I got hit by a truck." or "I got smashed." now. It was that bad. I woke up feeling much better. (Not sure how it could have gotten any worse, anyway.)

I will never look at alcohol the same way again.
And I will never be able to say, "I never got drunk before." because I what I do know is that I have this blank space where my memory of going to sleep should be. It was something like drinking, drinking and drinki- and waking up.

Not fun. What I failed to elaborate last night about being choosing a partner is this: Although you can certainly choose anybody, not everybody will want to choose you.

In economics, we call it demand and supply. If you are a highly attractive and desirable, you will have a generous supply of women. The intersection between your demand curve and supply curve will be correspondingly high. You will be able to win a more desirable woman than if you were repulsive.

God, what the hell am I saying.
Judging people using appearances and attitudes (and maybe even wealth) is making this sound as if people are commodities now. Surely things are more complicated than this? Or is it just fact - just business? I feel like I just violated the sanctity of relationships.

Maybe some things are just destined. I will leave things to fate and let providence decide what the future may have in store for me. Working the night shift at my dad's place really messes with my body clock. Last night, I ended up sleeping from 11pm to 12 noon. I was not even lacking in sleep, mind you. I slept quite a bit the previous day as well. Anyway, working at night also makes it difficult to keep a timetable. I end up sleeping in or taking a nap instead of doing whatever I was supposed to do.

This arrangement is actually not too bad considering that I am currently pretty free for these months. Still, I would love to have normal sleeping hours. There are three things that are important in my life - Sleep, food and exercise. (Used to have a girl in that list, but then again, used to have God in there too, hah.)

Anyway starting from next month, I will be having a proper job. By proper, I mean a Monday-to-Friday morning-to-evening job. Previously all my other ones were part-time, for just a few hours for a few days a week. The good news is that my employer is going to be my alma mater. The bad news is that since I will be going back to school, I will have to make my hair neat again. (Basically means cutting my hair short, damn it. Though I do wonder if I could pull off a bowl-shaped haircut...)

Speaking of which, I will need to take my bicycle to the shop soon. It is in dire need of a major refurbishing. The brakes are worn out to non-existence. I have to stop myself by placing my soles on the ground. The tyres are perpetually flat. I think there are holes somewhere. (Thank you, Captain Obvious.) The bell is missing. The light is broken. Well you get the idea. Once I revive my bicycle, I can ride down to school once again. Just like the good old days. Which reminds me of how old I am already. When I visit the school nowadays, the only ones I recognize are the teachers and my favourite bookshop aunty.

Bringing me to the point about how my father asked about the job I am taking up today, and how he expressly warned me about teacher-student relationships. Cool. Don't worry dad, I'm not that type.

See, the whole problem with liking someone is this.
What can I see in one person, that will make me choose her over another girl? Is it her appearance? Her intellectual ability? Her compassionate nature? Or even a combination of all the countless myriad of factors? The point is, chances are that there will always be another prettier, smarter and kinder girl out there. There will be better combinations of characteristics out in the deep blue sea of people. When that happens, logic dictates that if you like a girl because of her looks/smarts/heart, then when another girl who has better looks/smarts/heart comes along, the new girl will take immediate precedence over your original girl.

The thing is, when you like someone, it is a choice. You choose to like the person and stick with the person. (The best part is if she decides to stick with you too.) (The worst part is when she sticks with you but makes your life a convincing replica of hell.) I got a little sidetracked there. Liking someone is not about some kind of special chemistry you have together. (That would be your hormones at work.) Neither is it how well you click together. (Don't kid yourself. You are definitely going to have conflicts and arguments.) Liking someone is about finding someone and deciding, "Hey, I think this could work out," and committing to the relationship through thick and thin. Although in actual fact, it could also have worked with many other people, given the chance.

If in the end, liking someone boils down to a choice on who you will be settling down with, then here is my point. You can choose anyone. If you are going to use looks/smarts/heart as your criteria, you will quickly realise that there are many other candidates that are better than your girl. There would be no good reason to choose an inferior person to a superior one. So, I can safely conclude that using looks/smarts/heart as the criteria for choosing a partner is a terribly troublesome one - you can never be satisfied with your choice.

The problem is, I hardly have any other workable criteria at hand at the moment. In effect, I have nothing reliable to use to choose a girlfriend. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I can say with supreme confidence: "Don't worry dad, I'm not that type.".

(Please try not to be confused as right now I am treating "like" and "love" as the same thing.)

Of course, love is blind.
So if you see me mentioned in the newspapers for any less-than-honourable deeds, don't sue me. For some inexplicable reason, sometimes I just feel like carving out my heart with a knife.

Don't know what good that would do me though. Why would my brain even make me imagine the scenario? Sometimes in life you feel trapped or cornered. Sometimes your hand is forced. Sometimes you have to make compromises. Sometimes, you abandon the dreams you once dreamt.

We need to be aware of the invisible chains shackling us. Whenever you allow others to project their expectations of you onto you, you are enslaving yourself to their will. As harsh as that might sound, that is the plain truth.
Should I volunteer? What if the others feel I am pretentious and a show off?
I like this black shirt, what do you think of it? You think it's too plain? Well okay, maybe I could get the other design.
Dance is too feminine? I guess it's rugby for me then!
When the opinions of others affect you, you cease to live life to the fullest.

If you like something. Do it, get it, experience it. While you still can.

Before you know it, you will reach adulthood. What happens then is that you suddenly have obligations to your parents to fulfill. Because that is what they expect of you. They brought you up, so you take care of them during their retirement. You could always throw off your imposed responsibilities and fly off to see the world, but chances are that you have been brought up as a filial child and will take good care of your parents. Not only that, you will have bills to pay and jobs to do (and maybe even a family to provide for). After awhile, you become so tied down with all the responsibilities that you lose sight of your dreams.

It is unfortunate that most of us will be unable to fully release ourselves from all bonds that hold us down. However, what we can do is to untie ourselves from those unnecessary restraining chains that we do not need. You must realise, that the only opinions that should matter to us, are the opinions of the ones that matter the most to us. And sometimes you must cast those very opinions aside so you can live fantastically.

Maybe one day you can be your own person.
Don't give up on your dreams.

PS: I am not saying that supporting my parents is not a nuisance or something to be abhorred. It is important to me.
If what I love doing can co-exist just fine with me keeping my parents happy, then there is no problem here. If my passion does not earn me enough cash to support more than myself (although I think they have saved enough for their old age already), or even result in me being separated from them for extended periods of time (then they get lonely, see?), then I will have to make a choice between my dreams and my responsibilities.
In the end, the decision boils down to which one you deem to be more important. There is nothing to lament over or place blame on. Place your vote and move on without regrets. Today I sent my cousin to the medical centre at Bedok. I got a first-hand taste of what it is like being my mother, who has never complained about waiting for me in the car while I run down to do one thing or another.

It is a testimony of her enormous patience that she does not get irritated even when I take longer than expected. Once, because the queue was really long, she had to wait for longer than an hour for me to be ready.

I guess, these are the things that impact us the most even if we do not always know it. After hanging around someone for long, some of the quirks and demeanour of the person tends to rub off onto you. We often try to emulate those around us. In a way, this kind of behavior is simply a manifestation of self-preservation. We want to fit into the group, so we copy the behaviors of the company. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. The ones we surround ourselves with are usually those who are most like us.

So I was thinking, if you want to be aggressive, put yourself in a highly motivated and competitive group. If you want to be assertive, find yourself people who are confident and outspoken. But then I thought, what if you placed yourself in an extremely-supportive circle of friends? Would you become dependable and ever-ready to lend a helping hand, too? Or would you become over-reliant on them and leech on your friends instead?

Perhaps the statement that "The ones we surround ourselves with are usually those who are most like us." is not entirely true. In group mechanics, there are leaders and followers. There are those who play the devil's advocate - coming down hard on the ones who make mistakes - and those who act as the diplomat - applying soothing balm on smarting egos or supplying a few comforting words to cheer low spirits.

How is it that we can have such different characters yet work together so seamlessly?

I believe our values and principles are most malleable during our formation years. After that, what we are is more or less a finished product that will change very little (unless with conscious effort). During our adolescent years, the ones we respect become the very models we would use to carve out our own personalities. Entering adulthood, we surround ourselves with people who complement our own characters (no matter how different).

If I ever have children, I hope I can impart the right values to them and provide them a solid moral foundation so that they will grow up to become respectable people. I hope I can be a role model to them, the way my parents have been to me. (I don't want parasites as children!) Why do you think the majority of people are behaving well?

Is it because they are good?

No, it is because they do not have the means to commit evil.

Consider if you were suddenly free from all responsibility. Given the opportunity, would you choose to cause harm? If you could commit crimes without repercussion, would you do so? If you were so powerful that no one could stand against you, would you destroy the lives of those whom you dislike?

Most people are only lawful because they fear the consequences. They are afraid of fines, incarceration, and even capital punishment. In a lawless land, would they be just as well-behaved? During the riots in London last year, when the streets were in chaos, people started to loot shops. Why would people who were law-abiding citizens just a day ago morph into unscrupulous looters in the next? They do this for the simple reason that they know that they can get away with it. (Well, maybe not everyone, but in the ensuing chaos, most of them will definitely slip away anonymously. And also richer.)

Do not mistake the inability to do evil as good. Most of the time, we have enough awareness of the effects of our actions to know that we would not be able to get away with wrongdoings. That is deterrence enough to keep us in check. When the conditions are aligned perfectly (for bad things to be done), anyone will be tempted. Claiming vehemently that you will not stoop to such immoral behavior when you are still sheltered is premature. It is only when presented with such situations do we really find out where we truly stand in the eyes of God.

Only pray that you will not be put to the test.
Or else, pray that you have the strength to stay true to your conscience. When a man admits that he is dishonest, is he honest or dishonest?

In this world, no one is perfect. Everyone has made mistakes. Most of the time, the best of us are the ones who made the worst mistakes. But what if that is the case, then what is the distinction between the gentlest person and the hardiest criminal?

Do you see, that the crux of the matter is not about your life being flawless. Our lives are already too far marred by our failures and shortcomings. What is important is to learn from our experiences. The past may be set in stone, but the future is waiting to be written.

The first step to being a better person is to recognize your faults. It is the realisation that you are not the good person you thought you were. That at times, you are unreasonable, wilful, selfish, unfriendly, insensitive, ungrateful, critical, indecisive, dishonest and what-have-you. Once you know where you fall short, you are ready to take your next step.

Knowing your faults is one thing, making an effort to change is another. Some people can be foolishly satisfied at stopping at step one, saying "This is who I am, I am special this way, and I am not going to change a single thing about me!" (Yes, I am judging. I wish everyone would strive to be better.) For those who are willing to change, you may find that old habits die hard. But they still can die. Some times you have to make a drastic revamp of your lifestyle in order to mend your ways. Other occasions call for a more gradual elimination of the particular activity.

The most difficult thing about breaking a habit is that at anytime, anytime at all, you can simply fall back into your old patterns. You could be free for a month, a year or even decades. Yet all you need is for a moment's lapse of vigilance to ruin your track record. A good person is necessarily one with extremely strong self-control and a lot of discipline.

While we find that our character can never really be free of stains no matter how thoroughly we scrub, it still is good to scrub anyway. At the very least, the stubborn taint will become smaller, and we may even notice how other parts of us are shining brighter from the constant polish. Slowly but surely, we find that the mistakes we make occur less and less often. And we will be counted among the best. Growing long hair is extremely tedious. The hair grows too slowly for my liking. Today I took a nap in the evening and woke up feeling that the nape of my neck was quite warm. My hair is long and thick enough to trap heat behind my neck!

However, it turns out I might have to cut my hair after all, if I take up the relief teaching job next month.

Nowadays I eat really unhealthily. All the fried food ain't going to do my any good. And my metabolism is not getting any faster. Oh well, just means I have to exercise more. I hope all that trans-fat will not come back with a vengeance when I am older.

He who chases two hares at the same time will never catch one.

Perhaps I have been too distracted with too many things. 3 weeks to make a change. One step at a time. No falling back. You know I was was thinking that if I became my niece's godfather, I would not mind going back to church. Like to guide her on her spiritual journey as well as exploring mine in depth. Anyway she is not exactly my niece. She is my father's older brother's son's daughter. So my cousin's daughter. Distant niece? I suppose.

On another totally unrelated note, the most depressing thing about anything you do in life is that in whatever you think you are good at, someone else out there can do it ten times better than you. The other night I dreamt that I cut my hair short and I actually regretted doing it. Of course, at the time of dreaming I actually believed it happened so I can safely say that I will also regret if I do chop off my hair in real life. Keep growing longer!

Having dreams is cool. Although I think it would be cooler if I could actually remember them in detail.

My dad managed to get the sound working on my computer today. Hooray for that.

I think I eat too much junk food. Just had large fries from macs and a cup of coke for supper. All that potato calories is going straight to my tummy. I should stop telling myself that I will exercise tomorrow. I am just giving myself a lousy excuse. I was busy the last two nights helping out at the office.

Anyway it seems my help will not be required for subsequent Wednesdays and Thursdays so there will be more time to myself. Unless I keep helping out at night, I guess.

I give up on trying to make my computer work. My friend had a genius idea to upgrade my Windows XP to Win 7 and now I have to install all the drivers. I find it frustrating that my earphones refuse to work. Probably some incompatibility with the sound drivers, but even after I installed the latest Realtek drivers, nothing happened. I realise that I am a total computer tech dummy.

I will probably just live without sound on my computer till my dad rescues me.

My day has not been good. I also reversed the car into a low overhanging railing and now the top of the car has a dent and crack about 3 fingers wide. All superficial though. The car can still function as per normal. I will not be forgetting this in awhile though. I will be berating myself for this unforgivable mistake till then.

Other than that, when I went to go visit the baby at the hospital, the carpark was really full. As I was queuing up, a couple was walking to their car and the taxi behind me just overtook me stole the lot. What a bastard. The worst part was that he denied any wrongdoing and claimed that I did not signal my intention and place my hazard light on. What a bastard. What else would I be doing at a carpark? I also flashed my headlights at him - as if that is not enough signalling. What makes my blood boil is that he refused to admit his wrong. So furious.

Live and let live.
Getting an apology is also nothing to gloat about. Nor will it make me any more satisfied. Take it as a lesson on how (not) to treat others. Thank him (that bastard) in my heart for the lesson given.

See? I feel better already.
Just view everything experienced in life as a lesson.
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