So in Thailand I happened to consult a fortune teller.

She told me that I would live till 65, but if I prayed to God I would be able to live till 100. She predicted that I will not find my soul mate till 35. And that when I am 28 (if I remember correctly) there will be many women who like me, so much so that I will have trouble. Other than that most of the years would be pretty much on my own, save for another age (I forgot what year) when I will be together with a woman, except she just loves my money not me. There was also the part where the fortune teller warned me not to get angry, I might do something terrible. Terrible enough to murder, she says. Job-wise, I would easily rise to leadership positions.

Well, taking all these with an open mind. Destiny, do you believe in it? Yesterday I was sitting in a taxi and the driver was talking to me in very proper English. I have to mention that because I always had this impression that Mandarin was the preferred vernacular to Chinese taxi drivers (especially since he was over 60 years old). In fact, whenever I board a taxi with a Chinese driver I automatically switch to Mandarin when speaking.

Anyway he started to converse with me and asked me why I was going to the school, which led to what I was doing, and where I was studying, and about universities, and then about local versus overseas universities. He asked if any of my friends went to Beijing, China to study. I admitted that I knew of none. He started going on about how there is global shift in power from the USA to China. How we should be going to China to study instead of going to European countries or the States to pursue our degree. And what marked the beginning of this gradual shift of power? According to him, it was the 2008 financial crisis.

Not that I care, really. I will probably end up doing some irrelevant, insignificant dead-end job. Or perhaps settle down in some secluded town overseas, living out the rest of my life quietly. Economics never really stirred my interest. The way I see it, there is no end to chasing money. You can want more, and more, and more and never get enough of it. Best to just be happy with what I have and not sacrifice quality of life for money.

The world goes on, with or without money. Whether the market collapses or booms, life continues. Why make my life more difficult by complicating things with abstract systems and complex hypotheses? No, economics is not my cup of tea.

"Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money." After my time in Bangkok I can probably safely say that I am finished with clubbing. Drinking, maybe not. But clubbing, yea, probably.

There really is no point for me - maybe for others, yes, there are reasons to. But for me, I can find no more purpose in it. Unless I find a brand new perspective in the future, I am quitting for good. If it is to be with friends, I can always catch up with them over a meal, or watch a movie together. (And please, no shopping. I have had too much of that recently.) If I want to drink, or get drunk (which by the way has never happened), I can always chug down some alcohol elsewhere. Drinks at clubs are way overpriced. I bought some rum at the airport when I arrived back in Singapore. Wonder how it will taste like. Wonder when I will open it, anyway. Trying new things, as always. And as for dancing, well, I guess you dance anywhere, really. You do not have to be at a club. And I swear Singapore is too small. Or maybe the clubs are just overcrowded.

Well, and the fact that you will chalk up a huge sleep debt that you have to repay the next day or night. It throws your whole timetable off - the things you planned to do are exchanged for dreams and drool on the pillow. Which reminds me, I drooled on the pillow this morning. Strange, I have not done that for the longest time. Why this morning? Maybe I slept too long?

So basically, clubs are a no-no for me.
(Unless it's a really really really really special occasion...?)
(We'll see.) Back from Bangkok.

The relatives were really hospitable. They got us a driver to ferry us around in a mini-bus to where ever we wanted to go. Spent the last few days shopping, eating, partying, meeting relatives, and of course, attending the wedding. Girls could probably spend forever shopping at Platinum and MBK.

Anyway, the trip left me missing the comforts of home. Not that my relative's place was in any way less than my own home. If anything, it is a huge complex with 3 blocks of buildings, 4 levels each. Rather, I found myself wanting my usual orderly and uncomplicated life around my own house.

I feel better when I am in my own zone, doing the things I want, whenever I want.

Maybe I am just jaded. I wonder why. No more, I guess. May you find more joy with him than you did with me.

Time to focus, like never before. Slowly eating from my tub of yogurt while waiting for my hair to dry.

Maybe next month I can tie my hair into a really short pony tail. Anyway I went to go look up answers for some of questions I had.

Here are some viable answers I found to "Why should we not sleep with wet hair?".
If the window's open or the air-con is on, you'd catch a cold.
The moisture will encourage mould to grow on your pillow.
Your hair will be in a mess when you wake up.
Your face will end up in a wet pillow if you turn over.

And some reasonable explanations to "What causes puking after a workout?"
Overheating of the body, when the body cannot dissipate its internal heat faster than it is generated.
Dehydration, obviously because not enough water is being drunk.
Hyponatremia, when the sodium levels drop below normal levels, in this case due to excessive sweating.
The pH of your body becomes unbalanced with too much lactic acid produced.
Although I would just like to say that puking is a sign of a lack of fitness. Train harder.
I would also like to say, if you didn't puke, you probably didn't train enough. Train harder.

Finally, is it possible for objects to move faster than the speed of light?
Why I would even question this seemingly fundamental question is because distant objects in our visible universe are accelerating away from us at speeds greater than the speed of light. Basically, the answer for the question is a resounding "no". However, as for the far-flung galaxies moving away from us at faster-than light speeds, it is the distances - the space - between the galaxies that is expanding, not the galaxy that is moving, per se. Gosh this is hard to put it simply. As the saying goes, if you can't explain it to a six year old, then you don't really understand it. Looks like I still have a lot more to cover before I can fully digest this. Evil never sleeps.
Always be vigilant, lest you fall prey to the subtle snares of evil. People drown themselves in something or other. Some spend all their time engrossed in producing quality work, others indulge in all sorts of pleasure. Some hang out with friends at every opportunity, others prefer to enjoy the company of their families. Some devote their lives to carrying out the work of their religion, others channel all their energy into their relationship with their special other. Some labour endlessly for the extra wad of cash, others use those hours to perfect an art.

Once a person finds something to focus on, he shuts out everything else. Slowly but surely, his focal point becomes his destination and destiny. It becomes his life, and what he chose is where he finds his meaning from. It is the one thing that gives him the strength to carry on through the day.

Why is there the overwhelming desire to set a goal and strive for it? Is that how we find meaning in our lives? To feel that we are actually productive people? That we have a purpose in this world? Maybe it is because if we had nothing to focus on, we would have nothing to look forward to every day when we wake up. There would be no reason for living. Is there anything wrong with having no mission to accomplish? Is it against human nature to simply drift aimlessly in the ocean of life?

Is this the norm? Or am I just generalizing? Perhaps people are not really like how I described. Maybe they allocate the time spent on each activity evenly, and have no special preference as to what they like to do. I just killed a giant spider, with a span about the same of a clenched fist. A few hours ago, I killed a silverfish. I have no idea what such a bit spider was doing crawling around my living room, but it sure gives me the creeps.

I would not describe myself as an avid insect (or arachnid) killer. In fact, I am even a little squeamish when faced with such creatures. However I must clarify that I do not scream or shout when I come across those nasty little things. I just do not relish the prospect of them catching me unawares and crawling (god forbid) onto me.

The only reason why I bothered enough to kill the silverfish in the toilet was because I have sworn eternal vengeance against their kind. What with all their hiding in old books, giving me a scare when I flip open the cover and find a terrifying silver visage scrambling among the yellowed pages. Worse still is when I discover them lurking in my cupboard of clothes. My overactive imagination fears the day when I will wear my shirt and discover that I have an extra unwanted companion squirming inside. (And what if it's not my shirt, but - god forbid - something even more personal...)

Why I killed that spider was for the simple reason that it was too damned big! Seriously. If I did not kill it, I would not sleep at ease tonight. What if it waits for an unsuspecting victim to appear before jumping out to scare the wits out of the poor fellow? Feeling responsible in this indirect manner, I had no choice but to undertake this course of action to protect my family from such a mind-bending experience. I would not want to live with the guilt that I could have stopped the terror there and then but refused out of pathetic cowardice.

Still, I wonder what the spider was doing. It only had seven legs. Wonder where the other leg ran off to.

I wonder if killing all living things is wrong, like they say in Buddhism. I wonder (god knows) whether any ancient soul was residing within. My dad always tells me that moths are the spirits of our ancestors visiting us. I wonder if I chalked up any bad karma by ending its life.

I left the broken spider lying on the floor. Let someone else clear up the mess. Picking up the twitching body is just too much for me to handle. Maybe (god knows) the ants will have a field day carrying all that meat home. So I was reading a post my friend shared...

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure.
Me: Promise You won't get mad.
God: I promise.
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late.
God: Yes.
Me: My car took forever to start.
God: Okay.
Me: At lunch they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait.
God: Hm.
Me: On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call.
God: All right.
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home, I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massage and relax. But it wouldn't work! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

*Original*
God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of My angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.
Me (humbled): Oh.
God: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
Me (ashamed): ...
God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn't want you to catch what they have - I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay.
God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see, God.
God: Oh and that foot massage, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm Sorry God.
God: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust Me.... in all things , the good and the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is always better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, thank You for everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after My children...
-The (Original) End -

I like the concept, but personally I felt that the conclusion was a bit off. I support the idea of fatalism - that we should not fight against the circumstances and should go with the flow. Accepting the external elements that we are unable to control is only logical. Fighting against it will merely diminish your strength. Best save your energy to make the best of the situation.

The belief that the path we are on is always the better path disturbs me. What if one day something really bad happens - your friend betrays you, a loved one passes away, an accident leaves you paralyzed neck down - and you begin to question the authenticity of God's plan. Sometimes, it does not even need a major emotional event to make a person start to doubt. I would know. How can God's plan for us be so cruel? How, when you were ruthlessly let down by the ones you trusted, or when the ones you cared about were taken violently away, or when you were left disabled and helpless and terribly alone. Then, you start to wonder if God actually had a plan after all.

True, it makes the person in question all the more tolerant (and even thankful) of the trials that he faces. However, that being said, once faith falters, the fall will be so much harder. There will definitely be a struggle to hold on to the belief that God is there, looking out for us. It will not be a struggle from which everyone will prevail.

I find it difficult to trust that God is actually saving me each time something "bad" happens. The reason for this is clear to me. I lack the faith to believe it.

If I was the author of the story, I would have it continue in this fashion right after the asterisks.

*Edit 1*
God: Well son, you still did wake up this morning, didn't you?
Me: Yes...
God: And your car did actually start in the end, right?
Me: Yes...
God: You still had your lunch the eat, yes?
Me: Yes, I did.
God: And you can always call the person back afterward.
Me: I suppose I could.
God: And why not be thankful that you have a home instead of complaining about a faulty foot massage? Some people don't even have homes to stay in.
Me: I'm sorry God.
God: If you're really sorry, then learn to show some gratitude for the things that do go right, instead of complaining about the other things.
Me: I will try my best.
God: And don't doubt that you always have something to be thankful for. Even if everything seems to be going awry, every dark cloud has a silver lining.
Me: Okay, God. And let me just tell you God, thank You for everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God...
- The (Edited) End 1 -

For some reason, I find myself more comfortable with this sort of thinking than the previous one presented. Perhaps it is a testament to a belief I harbour that God does not really interfere with our activities, illicit or not. It could possibly be that I prefer an optimism that stems from something more substantial to one that trusts God will save me from the intangible and alleged evils. After all, for all I know, I might have had an extremely wonderful day if I woke up on time, had my car start properly, had a fantastic lunch the way I wanted it to be, a stimulating phone call from an old friend, and a nice relaxing massage to top it off.

Of course, God would know better. But what if? You know, what if.

The revised version covers this problem. The person still remains a vessel of thanks to God, but with much more tangible things to be grateful about. You will not catch him worrying about what could have happened. It does not matter what may have occurred. What is important is that he appreciates what he has at the moment. You do not need faith to see that you are more fortunate than others in many ways.

In any case, the very fact that you are alive already makes you more fortunate than most others over the course of history. If you are dead, well, you would not need to be worrying over such matters.

I would call this the godless man's optimism.

Anyway, as I was writing, I decided to put up another point of view.

*Edit 2*
God: Did you wake up on time the other morning?
Me: Yes.
God: Did your car operate without a hitch on other occasions?
Me: Yes.
God: Did you have the lunch you desired done perfectly before?
Me: Yes, I did.
God: Did your phone work normally during the day?
Me: Yes, it did.
God: And when you are blessed with good times, did you believe that prosperity would endure till the ends of time? Likewise, when tribulations come upon you, realise that these dark times will not last forever. The good and the bad are like the seasons; they come and they go like the tides; they wax and wane like the moon.
Me: I'm sorry God.
God: Don't be sorry. Learn to accept that the past just is, there is no need for regret.
Me: I will try my best.
God: And don't doubt that everything in this world is always changing. Nothing is permanent.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, thank You for this lesson today.
God: Don't thank me. Learn to accept the experience as it is, there is no need for gratitude.
- The (Edited) End 2 -

Needless to say, adopting the view from this angle is a much more pure form of fatalism than others. Submitting to the prevailing circumstances is like a reed bending in the wind. Like the wind, setbacks and blessings we encounter are an inevitable part of life. The reed does not resist the force of the wind. Neither does the fatalist person antagonize himself by fighting against the way of things.

To be honest, I find myself drifting between all three points of views.
Despite me not being the most religious of persons, there has been many a time when I consoled myself that my minor misfortune might have been protecting me from a mightier mishap. Being uncomfortable with a benign, interfering God has not prevented me from applying such lines of thoughts on myself, it seems. (There will always be a vanishingly small chance that I was actually protected, see?) ((It's knowledge of probability, not faith, that keeps me going!))
On some days, especially when I am faced with the overly-pessimistic or the truly unfortunate ones, I tell myself to appreciate and be glad for all the little blessings I have (lest I become too pessimistic myself).
Other times, during my sombre moods, I simply let myself be a reed in the wind. Empty vessels make the most noise.
Speak only when spoken to.
Less talk, more action.
Think thrice before saying nothing.
Promise nothing, deliver everything.

Opinions are meaningless unless aligned with your actions. When your intent is demonstrated with action, opinions become unnecessary.

Problem? Solve it yourself.
Worry does not help solve anything. Work does.
If it's too tough, try again, and again, till you are strong enough.
No obstacle is too big to overcome. Find another way around it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Where there's a will, there's a way. If you are not willing, well, there's still a way. It's not a shortcut, though; It's the way down. Your choice. Perhaps he had studied the works of Chaos for so long for a less pure reason, not because he hated it, and wished to oppose it, but because he was fascinated by it. Perhaps he had merely been fooling himself all along.
- Max Schreiber in Gotrex & Felix, Dragonslayer

It is strange how wretched humans can be. I must have gotten myself lost somewhere, to find it strange. Truly, there is nothing strange. Inside every heart of gold, is the taint of sin. The seed of darkness is ever-present, waiting for us to give it a chance to grow. Is the chaos so bad, really? Who is to judge that white is pure and black is corrupt? Could I not say that the light is evil while the darkness is good?

This must be a problem the godless men face. None of the immortal ones to define what is righteous in their sight, none of the high priests and priestesses to guide mortal men along the path of goodness.

Instead of clearly defined laws, the godless finds that his moral compass aligns itself to his heart. His intuition moves him, directs him. But then, the human heart is easily swayed. Tempted by desires and driven by instinct, sometimes you find the compass spinning wildly and out of control.

There is one way to stop this madness. Our minds. Our intellect can take the reins of our heart and keep the emotions in check. Suppress the emotions. Perhaps, we could be selective and only resist the negative ones. But then, who is to decide what is negative and positive? The heart is subtle in its manipulation. Let down your guard, and the heart will rule your mind instead without you realising it. Emotions are too wild and unpredictable to go unbridled. I have come to the conclusion that complete absolution of feelings is necessary for a disciplined and focused life. Only then can the compass have a distinctive direction to point towards to.

But then, the direction will inevitably be based on intuition, and intuition is intertwined with the heart. What if, all along, the tainted heart was pushing for its twisted cause under the guise of serving the nobler but foolish mind?

Wretched humans. We can only attempt what we think is right and true, and hope for the best. Hope that our lives have meaning. Hope that we did not go astray. (Just look at religious extremists.)
I was pretty much obsessed with finding out the title of book that I read many months back and was overjoyed when I was finally able call it back to mind. Frabato The Magician, a book telling of the life of a magician who had a very special mission on Earth. Whether or not you trust the book's veracity, it is nevertheless a thrilling story to read.

Anyway, the point is, I spent so much time trying to Google possible half-remembered titles that I did not manage to explain what I meant about Plato's Cave.

Plato described a scenario where people were actually prisoners in a cave chained to the bottom of a raised platform, such that their limbs and head could not move. Upon the platform, a fire burned strongly and puppets of all kinds (humans, animals, plants, trees, and everything we have in this world) were paraded in front of the fire. Shadows would be cast on the opposite wall and the prisoners would see the shadows of the puppets.

Being only exposed to these shadows, they would discuss about these shadows at great lengths and describe how the shadows work, what would happen when certain shadows appeared, and think themselves intelligent.

If a prisoner was freed, he would be able to move and find the presence of the fire and puppets. However, the bright light from the fire would blind his unaccustomed eyes, and he may turn back to face the shadows, for the shadows are familiar and comfortable to him. On the other hand, he might quickly realise that the shadows on the wall were being created by the fire and puppets, and that the shadows were not a true representation of the world. It was only created by the puppets and light from the fire.

But then again, the puppets are not a true representation of the world either. Only when the prisoner crawls out of the cave, will he be able to see the sun and everything - the whole true world. Only then will he be able to realise that the shadows were a shoddy image of the puppets, and that the puppets were a poor imitation of the truth of things.

(There comes another part where the prisoner goes back into the cave and tries to explain what he sees, but is met with derision and ridicule by the people who believe that the shadows are all there is in the world - but that is besides the point.)

(I do like this quote though: "... he is compelled in courtrooms or elsewhere to contend about the shadows of justice or the representations of which they are the shadows, and to dispute about the way these things are understood by men who have never seen justice itself?")

Anyway, if I were to describe where I feel like I am, I feel like I am a freed prisoner who has just looked at the puppets. I feel like the shadows are false. The puppets are creating those images. But I cannot believe that the puppets are the ultimate truth either. I feel like perhaps the shadows are better, because I do not know whether or not this cave is sealed tight, denying me of the sun and the world and the truth forever. Or perhaps the shadows are the truth. Every one thinks that they have it rough, that they are the only ones doing it right, that no one else can see the big picture as clearly you do. Guess what, they don't.

What do people know about having it rough? They should try being in my shoes. I doubt they could survive a day. What do they know about doing things right? They never think things over the way I do, with carefully well thought out intentions. No one will understand what I do because they are all too narrow-minded.

The application of satire above only serves to highlight the ludicrousness of such a belief. I have no illusions about my own toughness; I have it really easy - I have food and shelter and friends. I have no illusions about being right; I have been wrong so many times, and have so many things I would like to be different, yet continue to make mistakes.

Unfortunately, I find it hard to dispel the last illusion. Some times, I feel as if the people around me are blind, and it is only I who has my eyes open. Of course, other times I realise that it could be I who is blinded, while they are the ones who see everything. It certainly seems like they know what they are doing, while I am here foundering, not sure which way to go. But I cannot help but feel like they are simply drones, driven by their most base instincts and programs.

Why I practice self-denial seems stupid sometimes, because while I want to be something nobler and be something bigger, I do not know what I want that for. What do I achieve? I do not know. Somehow this reminds me a lot of Plato's allegory of the Cave. So the other morning we tried to mix the yogurt with chocolate milk and chunk peanut butter. It did not turn out too well. We escaped without incident. No diarrhea or stomachache. Only a feeling of being thoroughly bloated.

Last night we attempted Halo: Reach again, but this time on legendary mode. We got through halfway, then decided to call it a night and turn in.

I can play River Flows In You relatively well. Now I just have to polish it up and keep practicing so that I do not nasty pauses in between or press wrong notes.

Time passes so quickly. If you get distracted for a moment, it slips away for eternity. How did consciousness ever develop? How did we become aware of time and self? We are but a specially arranged set of atoms. How did it beget autonomy? Something is missing. What is it? Where do I look? Where is it hidden?

You know, sometimes I feel that if I never ever find a higher dimension to life, I will never ever find a meaning to all this. I continued to read Brave New World today.

I thought about how the fictional civilized society kept turning to the drug soma (that induced ecstasy) and other sensual pleasures to keep themselves occupied and happy. I thought about how our own society plunges itself into all sorts of entertainment to pass our time. The similarities are stark and plain to see.

The character Bernard also showed me how easy it is to despise the system and how disgusting the people on top act. But when he rose to fame and power, Bernard was not so quick to change the way things were. Instead, he enjoyed the perks of his stature and the attention showered on him. He became what he despised, and he enjoyed it. Power corrupts, they say.

Anyway, bought a 1.4kg tub of plain yoghurt just now to share with my cousin. We ended up mixing in jam and honey in it to make our own tasty treat. Tomorrow we are going to try add chocolate milk into the remaining yoghurt for breakfast. The best thing about any good story is that you can believe it actually happened, somewhere, sometime, somehow. Have you studied biology before?

Did you know that there are cells in our body called leukocytes (more commonly known as white blood cells). The disease leukemia happens when there is a malfunction in white blood cell production.

These leukocytes play an important role by fighting pathogens in our body. They do this buy literally engulfs the foreign body in order to kill it. After that, in the ultimate sacrifice, the white blood cell dies. When you graze yourself, infectious bacteria enter your body through the open wound. The white blood cells wage a war and swallow up the foreign objects, killing the enemy and themselves. The aftermath is the pus that you see.

I always thought that non-violence was a fantastic idea. But then, a non-violent society is a society just waiting to be bullied or destroyed. There will be nothing to deter or threaten the enemy with. So I think, maybe, just like our own body, the solution would be to have a special set of citizens who are highly skilled and trained in eliminating these threats. We would need an army.

Of course, armies are considered violent. So how can this be considered a non-violent society? I would like to suggest that, just like the white blood cells, the soldiers should commit suicide after completing their mission and securing peace. But that is ridiculous, right? What will happen if the enemy strikes again? We would be defenceless since all our troops have died. We cannot possibly train up a new batch soldiers in a couple of hours to deploy.

One way would be to engage the army to adopt a peace-time role. To be pacifist and help out in the community. It would be as if the violence had an off/on switch, which is only activated during times of war. I guess, this is what most countries do. I still think this method is a big compromise on the idea of non-violence.

I thought of another way. But it is so sci-fi. We should train a special small elite group that are very mission-oriented. Then we freeze them in a cryogenic pod, and only activate them when we need them! When they have killed the enemy, they just go back into the pod. Simple! Now that I have said it, I think some of those marvel comics authors have already used this idea before. Maybe that is where I got this idea from. Inception... unconsciously.

Anyway, I read an article about fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASD), and I was thinking that a lot of the symptoms of FASD are quite similar to autism. Perhaps they are one and the same? Maybe so many babies nowadays have "autism" because their mothers drunk alcohol during pregnancy (especially during festivities and parties). I am not sure. Just throwing out my opinion here.

In any case, when my future wife gets pregnant, she will be swearing off alcohol for those 9 months. (I will not mind abstaining from drinks to accompanying her, though, seriously, if she complains that it is unfair for her that I can drink and she can't... (because that's the if-I-can't-have-it-neither-can-you mentality.) I just hope it doesn't come to that.) I borrowed Brave New World from my friend. Halfway through it now. The author puts forward some intriguing ideas. Especially the idea of conditioning a person from young. That is just the way it is, really. Conditioning. How are we really different from animals? Not by far. The way we train dogs tricks, or teach a horse how to respond to spurs - the skills of conditioning can easily be applied to humans. Unless, of course, we are something more. So much so that we can break out of the bonds of societal pressures.

Now I am trying to find a book I read last year about magic. Frustrating that I cannot remember the title. It was riveting! And best of all, so believable. Imagine that we have souls! Souls that need to be developed with love and compassion. That book was excellent in so many ways. Makes me believe that we are something more.

Of course, still no evidence of such a thing here. The Life of an Existentialist

You can choose to be open,
Or you can choose to be closed.
You can be warm and friendly,
Or be frosty cold like ice.

You can choose to be kind,
Or you can choose to be cruel.
You can have a will of steel,
Or be lazy like a sloth.

You can beg for sympathy,
Attract others' attention,
Even wander aimlessly.
The choice is your very own.

You can regret your actions,
Be proud of your achievements,
Hope for the brightest future.
It does not really matter.

Whatever you choose to be,
I can guarantee you this:
When the day comes to a close,
and you find yourself alone,
you will realise but one thing -
That we are all mad people,
living in an empty world.

We create our own meaning.
Of pleasure, of fun, of games;
Of torture, of hurt, of pain;
Of gratitude and honor;
Of treachery and despite;
Of passion, zeal and love;
Of ambition, greed and lust;

We are all these things and more,
And yet are none of these things.

There is neither right nor wrong,
No better or worse approach.
There are no boundaries drawn,
Only those you give yourself.
Still you might judge the other,
Measure them against your self.
Or you could turn a blind eye,
It does not really matter.

So most important of all,
Yet not important at all -
Whatever you choose in life,
It does not really matter.

Because such is the life lived
by the Existentialist. I was listening to some the live performances done by Billy Joel and chanced across this really interesting song by him, An Innocent Man. The other songs I love by him are Honesty, Vienna, Piano Man and My Life.

Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it again
I've not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man I swear, teaching those kids is going to give me a permanent back ache.

Anyhow, I went to catch up with my two buddies over supper. Being able to drive is really very convenient. Ever since I quit playing the computer, we lost something very common between us. We still do meet up for supper or gym or just to visit each other at home, though. Feeling bloated. Perhaps I should have refrained from the up-size option. Ended up guzzling down the fries and sprite.

Where do I see myself in 5 years, or even 10 years? Frankly, I have no idea. I wish some major spiritual change would happen. How did all those Buddhas do it? All those mystics who managed to look beyond the material plane? If nothing happens, I can almost route out how I will end up working in an office or laboratory 10 years from now. 4 years university, 6 more years of work. Plus many more after that. So ordinary.

I WANT SOMETHING BIG TO HAPPEN.

Or is this all there is to life?

I am such an eccentric person. Maybe it is because I have too much time on my hands? Or is it because I have removed a lot of distraction from my life? I wonder if everyone feels this way, except that they get so caught up with the pace of life in the city that they have no time to question life itself.

Most of the time I am torn between my two selves, my base self and my higher self, if I can even describe myself this way.

Sometimes my higher self will despise my base urges. Other times my basic instincts will laugh at the foolishness and ridiculousness of my higher principles.

I am beginning to find it hard to construe my own sentences. A clear sign that I should be going to bed now. I will make a short prayer.

Dear God,
whatever you might be, (although I tend to believe that the source of enlightenment is like some kind of collective consciousness of pure love),
or any other higher beings, (because I read in many books that there are many forms of beings all at different levels of enlightenment, with humans having a fair bit to level up - sometimes humans get help, like power-leveling, if you play RPGs you would know what I mean)
please guide me on my spiritual path to enlightenment.
Tonight, if you will.
Thanks.

This shit is starting to sound crazy. Have I crossed some edge of reality, and now gone bonkers? Well anyway I hope shit happens. Although nothing ever happens.
Older Post | Newer Post

So in Thailand I happened to consult a fortune teller.

She told me that I would live till 65, but if I prayed to God I would be able to live till 100. She predicted that I will not find my soul mate till 35. And that when I am 28 (if I remember correctly) there will be many women who like me, so much so that I will have trouble. Other than that most of the years would be pretty much on my own, save for another age (I forgot what year) when I will be together with a woman, except she just loves my money not me. There was also the part where the fortune teller warned me not to get angry, I might do something terrible. Terrible enough to murder, she says. Job-wise, I would easily rise to leadership positions.

Well, taking all these with an open mind. Destiny, do you believe in it? Yesterday I was sitting in a taxi and the driver was talking to me in very proper English. I have to mention that because I always had this impression that Mandarin was the preferred vernacular to Chinese taxi drivers (especially since he was over 60 years old). In fact, whenever I board a taxi with a Chinese driver I automatically switch to Mandarin when speaking.

Anyway he started to converse with me and asked me why I was going to the school, which led to what I was doing, and where I was studying, and about universities, and then about local versus overseas universities. He asked if any of my friends went to Beijing, China to study. I admitted that I knew of none. He started going on about how there is global shift in power from the USA to China. How we should be going to China to study instead of going to European countries or the States to pursue our degree. And what marked the beginning of this gradual shift of power? According to him, it was the 2008 financial crisis.

Not that I care, really. I will probably end up doing some irrelevant, insignificant dead-end job. Or perhaps settle down in some secluded town overseas, living out the rest of my life quietly. Economics never really stirred my interest. The way I see it, there is no end to chasing money. You can want more, and more, and more and never get enough of it. Best to just be happy with what I have and not sacrifice quality of life for money.

The world goes on, with or without money. Whether the market collapses or booms, life continues. Why make my life more difficult by complicating things with abstract systems and complex hypotheses? No, economics is not my cup of tea.

"Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money." After my time in Bangkok I can probably safely say that I am finished with clubbing. Drinking, maybe not. But clubbing, yea, probably.

There really is no point for me - maybe for others, yes, there are reasons to. But for me, I can find no more purpose in it. Unless I find a brand new perspective in the future, I am quitting for good. If it is to be with friends, I can always catch up with them over a meal, or watch a movie together. (And please, no shopping. I have had too much of that recently.) If I want to drink, or get drunk (which by the way has never happened), I can always chug down some alcohol elsewhere. Drinks at clubs are way overpriced. I bought some rum at the airport when I arrived back in Singapore. Wonder how it will taste like. Wonder when I will open it, anyway. Trying new things, as always. And as for dancing, well, I guess you dance anywhere, really. You do not have to be at a club. And I swear Singapore is too small. Or maybe the clubs are just overcrowded.

Well, and the fact that you will chalk up a huge sleep debt that you have to repay the next day or night. It throws your whole timetable off - the things you planned to do are exchanged for dreams and drool on the pillow. Which reminds me, I drooled on the pillow this morning. Strange, I have not done that for the longest time. Why this morning? Maybe I slept too long?

So basically, clubs are a no-no for me.
(Unless it's a really really really really special occasion...?)
(We'll see.) Back from Bangkok.

The relatives were really hospitable. They got us a driver to ferry us around in a mini-bus to where ever we wanted to go. Spent the last few days shopping, eating, partying, meeting relatives, and of course, attending the wedding. Girls could probably spend forever shopping at Platinum and MBK.

Anyway, the trip left me missing the comforts of home. Not that my relative's place was in any way less than my own home. If anything, it is a huge complex with 3 blocks of buildings, 4 levels each. Rather, I found myself wanting my usual orderly and uncomplicated life around my own house.

I feel better when I am in my own zone, doing the things I want, whenever I want.

Maybe I am just jaded. I wonder why. No more, I guess. May you find more joy with him than you did with me.

Time to focus, like never before. Slowly eating from my tub of yogurt while waiting for my hair to dry.

Maybe next month I can tie my hair into a really short pony tail. Anyway I went to go look up answers for some of questions I had.

Here are some viable answers I found to "Why should we not sleep with wet hair?".
If the window's open or the air-con is on, you'd catch a cold.
The moisture will encourage mould to grow on your pillow.
Your hair will be in a mess when you wake up.
Your face will end up in a wet pillow if you turn over.

And some reasonable explanations to "What causes puking after a workout?"
Overheating of the body, when the body cannot dissipate its internal heat faster than it is generated.
Dehydration, obviously because not enough water is being drunk.
Hyponatremia, when the sodium levels drop below normal levels, in this case due to excessive sweating.
The pH of your body becomes unbalanced with too much lactic acid produced.
Although I would just like to say that puking is a sign of a lack of fitness. Train harder.
I would also like to say, if you didn't puke, you probably didn't train enough. Train harder.

Finally, is it possible for objects to move faster than the speed of light?
Why I would even question this seemingly fundamental question is because distant objects in our visible universe are accelerating away from us at speeds greater than the speed of light. Basically, the answer for the question is a resounding "no". However, as for the far-flung galaxies moving away from us at faster-than light speeds, it is the distances - the space - between the galaxies that is expanding, not the galaxy that is moving, per se. Gosh this is hard to put it simply. As the saying goes, if you can't explain it to a six year old, then you don't really understand it. Looks like I still have a lot more to cover before I can fully digest this. Evil never sleeps.
Always be vigilant, lest you fall prey to the subtle snares of evil. People drown themselves in something or other. Some spend all their time engrossed in producing quality work, others indulge in all sorts of pleasure. Some hang out with friends at every opportunity, others prefer to enjoy the company of their families. Some devote their lives to carrying out the work of their religion, others channel all their energy into their relationship with their special other. Some labour endlessly for the extra wad of cash, others use those hours to perfect an art.

Once a person finds something to focus on, he shuts out everything else. Slowly but surely, his focal point becomes his destination and destiny. It becomes his life, and what he chose is where he finds his meaning from. It is the one thing that gives him the strength to carry on through the day.

Why is there the overwhelming desire to set a goal and strive for it? Is that how we find meaning in our lives? To feel that we are actually productive people? That we have a purpose in this world? Maybe it is because if we had nothing to focus on, we would have nothing to look forward to every day when we wake up. There would be no reason for living. Is there anything wrong with having no mission to accomplish? Is it against human nature to simply drift aimlessly in the ocean of life?

Is this the norm? Or am I just generalizing? Perhaps people are not really like how I described. Maybe they allocate the time spent on each activity evenly, and have no special preference as to what they like to do. I just killed a giant spider, with a span about the same of a clenched fist. A few hours ago, I killed a silverfish. I have no idea what such a bit spider was doing crawling around my living room, but it sure gives me the creeps.

I would not describe myself as an avid insect (or arachnid) killer. In fact, I am even a little squeamish when faced with such creatures. However I must clarify that I do not scream or shout when I come across those nasty little things. I just do not relish the prospect of them catching me unawares and crawling (god forbid) onto me.

The only reason why I bothered enough to kill the silverfish in the toilet was because I have sworn eternal vengeance against their kind. What with all their hiding in old books, giving me a scare when I flip open the cover and find a terrifying silver visage scrambling among the yellowed pages. Worse still is when I discover them lurking in my cupboard of clothes. My overactive imagination fears the day when I will wear my shirt and discover that I have an extra unwanted companion squirming inside. (And what if it's not my shirt, but - god forbid - something even more personal...)

Why I killed that spider was for the simple reason that it was too damned big! Seriously. If I did not kill it, I would not sleep at ease tonight. What if it waits for an unsuspecting victim to appear before jumping out to scare the wits out of the poor fellow? Feeling responsible in this indirect manner, I had no choice but to undertake this course of action to protect my family from such a mind-bending experience. I would not want to live with the guilt that I could have stopped the terror there and then but refused out of pathetic cowardice.

Still, I wonder what the spider was doing. It only had seven legs. Wonder where the other leg ran off to.

I wonder if killing all living things is wrong, like they say in Buddhism. I wonder (god knows) whether any ancient soul was residing within. My dad always tells me that moths are the spirits of our ancestors visiting us. I wonder if I chalked up any bad karma by ending its life.

I left the broken spider lying on the floor. Let someone else clear up the mess. Picking up the twitching body is just too much for me to handle. Maybe (god knows) the ants will have a field day carrying all that meat home. So I was reading a post my friend shared...

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure.
Me: Promise You won't get mad.
God: I promise.
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late.
God: Yes.
Me: My car took forever to start.
God: Okay.
Me: At lunch they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait.
God: Hm.
Me: On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call.
God: All right.
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home, I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massage and relax. But it wouldn't work! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

*Original*
God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of My angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.
Me (humbled): Oh.
God: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
Me (ashamed): ...
God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn't want you to catch what they have - I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay.
God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see, God.
God: Oh and that foot massage, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm Sorry God.
God: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust Me.... in all things , the good and the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is always better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, thank You for everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after My children...
-The (Original) End -

I like the concept, but personally I felt that the conclusion was a bit off. I support the idea of fatalism - that we should not fight against the circumstances and should go with the flow. Accepting the external elements that we are unable to control is only logical. Fighting against it will merely diminish your strength. Best save your energy to make the best of the situation.

The belief that the path we are on is always the better path disturbs me. What if one day something really bad happens - your friend betrays you, a loved one passes away, an accident leaves you paralyzed neck down - and you begin to question the authenticity of God's plan. Sometimes, it does not even need a major emotional event to make a person start to doubt. I would know. How can God's plan for us be so cruel? How, when you were ruthlessly let down by the ones you trusted, or when the ones you cared about were taken violently away, or when you were left disabled and helpless and terribly alone. Then, you start to wonder if God actually had a plan after all.

True, it makes the person in question all the more tolerant (and even thankful) of the trials that he faces. However, that being said, once faith falters, the fall will be so much harder. There will definitely be a struggle to hold on to the belief that God is there, looking out for us. It will not be a struggle from which everyone will prevail.

I find it difficult to trust that God is actually saving me each time something "bad" happens. The reason for this is clear to me. I lack the faith to believe it.

If I was the author of the story, I would have it continue in this fashion right after the asterisks.

*Edit 1*
God: Well son, you still did wake up this morning, didn't you?
Me: Yes...
God: And your car did actually start in the end, right?
Me: Yes...
God: You still had your lunch the eat, yes?
Me: Yes, I did.
God: And you can always call the person back afterward.
Me: I suppose I could.
God: And why not be thankful that you have a home instead of complaining about a faulty foot massage? Some people don't even have homes to stay in.
Me: I'm sorry God.
God: If you're really sorry, then learn to show some gratitude for the things that do go right, instead of complaining about the other things.
Me: I will try my best.
God: And don't doubt that you always have something to be thankful for. Even if everything seems to be going awry, every dark cloud has a silver lining.
Me: Okay, God. And let me just tell you God, thank You for everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God...
- The (Edited) End 1 -

For some reason, I find myself more comfortable with this sort of thinking than the previous one presented. Perhaps it is a testament to a belief I harbour that God does not really interfere with our activities, illicit or not. It could possibly be that I prefer an optimism that stems from something more substantial to one that trusts God will save me from the intangible and alleged evils. After all, for all I know, I might have had an extremely wonderful day if I woke up on time, had my car start properly, had a fantastic lunch the way I wanted it to be, a stimulating phone call from an old friend, and a nice relaxing massage to top it off.

Of course, God would know better. But what if? You know, what if.

The revised version covers this problem. The person still remains a vessel of thanks to God, but with much more tangible things to be grateful about. You will not catch him worrying about what could have happened. It does not matter what may have occurred. What is important is that he appreciates what he has at the moment. You do not need faith to see that you are more fortunate than others in many ways.

In any case, the very fact that you are alive already makes you more fortunate than most others over the course of history. If you are dead, well, you would not need to be worrying over such matters.

I would call this the godless man's optimism.

Anyway, as I was writing, I decided to put up another point of view.

*Edit 2*
God: Did you wake up on time the other morning?
Me: Yes.
God: Did your car operate without a hitch on other occasions?
Me: Yes.
God: Did you have the lunch you desired done perfectly before?
Me: Yes, I did.
God: Did your phone work normally during the day?
Me: Yes, it did.
God: And when you are blessed with good times, did you believe that prosperity would endure till the ends of time? Likewise, when tribulations come upon you, realise that these dark times will not last forever. The good and the bad are like the seasons; they come and they go like the tides; they wax and wane like the moon.
Me: I'm sorry God.
God: Don't be sorry. Learn to accept that the past just is, there is no need for regret.
Me: I will try my best.
God: And don't doubt that everything in this world is always changing. Nothing is permanent.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, thank You for this lesson today.
God: Don't thank me. Learn to accept the experience as it is, there is no need for gratitude.
- The (Edited) End 2 -

Needless to say, adopting the view from this angle is a much more pure form of fatalism than others. Submitting to the prevailing circumstances is like a reed bending in the wind. Like the wind, setbacks and blessings we encounter are an inevitable part of life. The reed does not resist the force of the wind. Neither does the fatalist person antagonize himself by fighting against the way of things.

To be honest, I find myself drifting between all three points of views.
Despite me not being the most religious of persons, there has been many a time when I consoled myself that my minor misfortune might have been protecting me from a mightier mishap. Being uncomfortable with a benign, interfering God has not prevented me from applying such lines of thoughts on myself, it seems. (There will always be a vanishingly small chance that I was actually protected, see?) ((It's knowledge of probability, not faith, that keeps me going!))
On some days, especially when I am faced with the overly-pessimistic or the truly unfortunate ones, I tell myself to appreciate and be glad for all the little blessings I have (lest I become too pessimistic myself).
Other times, during my sombre moods, I simply let myself be a reed in the wind. Empty vessels make the most noise.
Speak only when spoken to.
Less talk, more action.
Think thrice before saying nothing.
Promise nothing, deliver everything.

Opinions are meaningless unless aligned with your actions. When your intent is demonstrated with action, opinions become unnecessary.

Problem? Solve it yourself.
Worry does not help solve anything. Work does.
If it's too tough, try again, and again, till you are strong enough.
No obstacle is too big to overcome. Find another way around it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Where there's a will, there's a way. If you are not willing, well, there's still a way. It's not a shortcut, though; It's the way down. Your choice. Perhaps he had studied the works of Chaos for so long for a less pure reason, not because he hated it, and wished to oppose it, but because he was fascinated by it. Perhaps he had merely been fooling himself all along.
- Max Schreiber in Gotrex & Felix, Dragonslayer

It is strange how wretched humans can be. I must have gotten myself lost somewhere, to find it strange. Truly, there is nothing strange. Inside every heart of gold, is the taint of sin. The seed of darkness is ever-present, waiting for us to give it a chance to grow. Is the chaos so bad, really? Who is to judge that white is pure and black is corrupt? Could I not say that the light is evil while the darkness is good?

This must be a problem the godless men face. None of the immortal ones to define what is righteous in their sight, none of the high priests and priestesses to guide mortal men along the path of goodness.

Instead of clearly defined laws, the godless finds that his moral compass aligns itself to his heart. His intuition moves him, directs him. But then, the human heart is easily swayed. Tempted by desires and driven by instinct, sometimes you find the compass spinning wildly and out of control.

There is one way to stop this madness. Our minds. Our intellect can take the reins of our heart and keep the emotions in check. Suppress the emotions. Perhaps, we could be selective and only resist the negative ones. But then, who is to decide what is negative and positive? The heart is subtle in its manipulation. Let down your guard, and the heart will rule your mind instead without you realising it. Emotions are too wild and unpredictable to go unbridled. I have come to the conclusion that complete absolution of feelings is necessary for a disciplined and focused life. Only then can the compass have a distinctive direction to point towards to.

But then, the direction will inevitably be based on intuition, and intuition is intertwined with the heart. What if, all along, the tainted heart was pushing for its twisted cause under the guise of serving the nobler but foolish mind?

Wretched humans. We can only attempt what we think is right and true, and hope for the best. Hope that our lives have meaning. Hope that we did not go astray. (Just look at religious extremists.)
I was pretty much obsessed with finding out the title of book that I read many months back and was overjoyed when I was finally able call it back to mind. Frabato The Magician, a book telling of the life of a magician who had a very special mission on Earth. Whether or not you trust the book's veracity, it is nevertheless a thrilling story to read.

Anyway, the point is, I spent so much time trying to Google possible half-remembered titles that I did not manage to explain what I meant about Plato's Cave.

Plato described a scenario where people were actually prisoners in a cave chained to the bottom of a raised platform, such that their limbs and head could not move. Upon the platform, a fire burned strongly and puppets of all kinds (humans, animals, plants, trees, and everything we have in this world) were paraded in front of the fire. Shadows would be cast on the opposite wall and the prisoners would see the shadows of the puppets.

Being only exposed to these shadows, they would discuss about these shadows at great lengths and describe how the shadows work, what would happen when certain shadows appeared, and think themselves intelligent.

If a prisoner was freed, he would be able to move and find the presence of the fire and puppets. However, the bright light from the fire would blind his unaccustomed eyes, and he may turn back to face the shadows, for the shadows are familiar and comfortable to him. On the other hand, he might quickly realise that the shadows on the wall were being created by the fire and puppets, and that the shadows were not a true representation of the world. It was only created by the puppets and light from the fire.

But then again, the puppets are not a true representation of the world either. Only when the prisoner crawls out of the cave, will he be able to see the sun and everything - the whole true world. Only then will he be able to realise that the shadows were a shoddy image of the puppets, and that the puppets were a poor imitation of the truth of things.

(There comes another part where the prisoner goes back into the cave and tries to explain what he sees, but is met with derision and ridicule by the people who believe that the shadows are all there is in the world - but that is besides the point.)

(I do like this quote though: "... he is compelled in courtrooms or elsewhere to contend about the shadows of justice or the representations of which they are the shadows, and to dispute about the way these things are understood by men who have never seen justice itself?")

Anyway, if I were to describe where I feel like I am, I feel like I am a freed prisoner who has just looked at the puppets. I feel like the shadows are false. The puppets are creating those images. But I cannot believe that the puppets are the ultimate truth either. I feel like perhaps the shadows are better, because I do not know whether or not this cave is sealed tight, denying me of the sun and the world and the truth forever. Or perhaps the shadows are the truth. Every one thinks that they have it rough, that they are the only ones doing it right, that no one else can see the big picture as clearly you do. Guess what, they don't.

What do people know about having it rough? They should try being in my shoes. I doubt they could survive a day. What do they know about doing things right? They never think things over the way I do, with carefully well thought out intentions. No one will understand what I do because they are all too narrow-minded.

The application of satire above only serves to highlight the ludicrousness of such a belief. I have no illusions about my own toughness; I have it really easy - I have food and shelter and friends. I have no illusions about being right; I have been wrong so many times, and have so many things I would like to be different, yet continue to make mistakes.

Unfortunately, I find it hard to dispel the last illusion. Some times, I feel as if the people around me are blind, and it is only I who has my eyes open. Of course, other times I realise that it could be I who is blinded, while they are the ones who see everything. It certainly seems like they know what they are doing, while I am here foundering, not sure which way to go. But I cannot help but feel like they are simply drones, driven by their most base instincts and programs.

Why I practice self-denial seems stupid sometimes, because while I want to be something nobler and be something bigger, I do not know what I want that for. What do I achieve? I do not know. Somehow this reminds me a lot of Plato's allegory of the Cave. So the other morning we tried to mix the yogurt with chocolate milk and chunk peanut butter. It did not turn out too well. We escaped without incident. No diarrhea or stomachache. Only a feeling of being thoroughly bloated.

Last night we attempted Halo: Reach again, but this time on legendary mode. We got through halfway, then decided to call it a night and turn in.

I can play River Flows In You relatively well. Now I just have to polish it up and keep practicing so that I do not nasty pauses in between or press wrong notes.

Time passes so quickly. If you get distracted for a moment, it slips away for eternity. How did consciousness ever develop? How did we become aware of time and self? We are but a specially arranged set of atoms. How did it beget autonomy? Something is missing. What is it? Where do I look? Where is it hidden?

You know, sometimes I feel that if I never ever find a higher dimension to life, I will never ever find a meaning to all this. I continued to read Brave New World today.

I thought about how the fictional civilized society kept turning to the drug soma (that induced ecstasy) and other sensual pleasures to keep themselves occupied and happy. I thought about how our own society plunges itself into all sorts of entertainment to pass our time. The similarities are stark and plain to see.

The character Bernard also showed me how easy it is to despise the system and how disgusting the people on top act. But when he rose to fame and power, Bernard was not so quick to change the way things were. Instead, he enjoyed the perks of his stature and the attention showered on him. He became what he despised, and he enjoyed it. Power corrupts, they say.

Anyway, bought a 1.4kg tub of plain yoghurt just now to share with my cousin. We ended up mixing in jam and honey in it to make our own tasty treat. Tomorrow we are going to try add chocolate milk into the remaining yoghurt for breakfast. The best thing about any good story is that you can believe it actually happened, somewhere, sometime, somehow. Have you studied biology before?

Did you know that there are cells in our body called leukocytes (more commonly known as white blood cells). The disease leukemia happens when there is a malfunction in white blood cell production.

These leukocytes play an important role by fighting pathogens in our body. They do this buy literally engulfs the foreign body in order to kill it. After that, in the ultimate sacrifice, the white blood cell dies. When you graze yourself, infectious bacteria enter your body through the open wound. The white blood cells wage a war and swallow up the foreign objects, killing the enemy and themselves. The aftermath is the pus that you see.

I always thought that non-violence was a fantastic idea. But then, a non-violent society is a society just waiting to be bullied or destroyed. There will be nothing to deter or threaten the enemy with. So I think, maybe, just like our own body, the solution would be to have a special set of citizens who are highly skilled and trained in eliminating these threats. We would need an army.

Of course, armies are considered violent. So how can this be considered a non-violent society? I would like to suggest that, just like the white blood cells, the soldiers should commit suicide after completing their mission and securing peace. But that is ridiculous, right? What will happen if the enemy strikes again? We would be defenceless since all our troops have died. We cannot possibly train up a new batch soldiers in a couple of hours to deploy.

One way would be to engage the army to adopt a peace-time role. To be pacifist and help out in the community. It would be as if the violence had an off/on switch, which is only activated during times of war. I guess, this is what most countries do. I still think this method is a big compromise on the idea of non-violence.

I thought of another way. But it is so sci-fi. We should train a special small elite group that are very mission-oriented. Then we freeze them in a cryogenic pod, and only activate them when we need them! When they have killed the enemy, they just go back into the pod. Simple! Now that I have said it, I think some of those marvel comics authors have already used this idea before. Maybe that is where I got this idea from. Inception... unconsciously.

Anyway, I read an article about fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASD), and I was thinking that a lot of the symptoms of FASD are quite similar to autism. Perhaps they are one and the same? Maybe so many babies nowadays have "autism" because their mothers drunk alcohol during pregnancy (especially during festivities and parties). I am not sure. Just throwing out my opinion here.

In any case, when my future wife gets pregnant, she will be swearing off alcohol for those 9 months. (I will not mind abstaining from drinks to accompanying her, though, seriously, if she complains that it is unfair for her that I can drink and she can't... (because that's the if-I-can't-have-it-neither-can-you mentality.) I just hope it doesn't come to that.) I borrowed Brave New World from my friend. Halfway through it now. The author puts forward some intriguing ideas. Especially the idea of conditioning a person from young. That is just the way it is, really. Conditioning. How are we really different from animals? Not by far. The way we train dogs tricks, or teach a horse how to respond to spurs - the skills of conditioning can easily be applied to humans. Unless, of course, we are something more. So much so that we can break out of the bonds of societal pressures.

Now I am trying to find a book I read last year about magic. Frustrating that I cannot remember the title. It was riveting! And best of all, so believable. Imagine that we have souls! Souls that need to be developed with love and compassion. That book was excellent in so many ways. Makes me believe that we are something more.

Of course, still no evidence of such a thing here. The Life of an Existentialist

You can choose to be open,
Or you can choose to be closed.
You can be warm and friendly,
Or be frosty cold like ice.

You can choose to be kind,
Or you can choose to be cruel.
You can have a will of steel,
Or be lazy like a sloth.

You can beg for sympathy,
Attract others' attention,
Even wander aimlessly.
The choice is your very own.

You can regret your actions,
Be proud of your achievements,
Hope for the brightest future.
It does not really matter.

Whatever you choose to be,
I can guarantee you this:
When the day comes to a close,
and you find yourself alone,
you will realise but one thing -
That we are all mad people,
living in an empty world.

We create our own meaning.
Of pleasure, of fun, of games;
Of torture, of hurt, of pain;
Of gratitude and honor;
Of treachery and despite;
Of passion, zeal and love;
Of ambition, greed and lust;

We are all these things and more,
And yet are none of these things.

There is neither right nor wrong,
No better or worse approach.
There are no boundaries drawn,
Only those you give yourself.
Still you might judge the other,
Measure them against your self.
Or you could turn a blind eye,
It does not really matter.

So most important of all,
Yet not important at all -
Whatever you choose in life,
It does not really matter.

Because such is the life lived
by the Existentialist. I was listening to some the live performances done by Billy Joel and chanced across this really interesting song by him, An Innocent Man. The other songs I love by him are Honesty, Vienna, Piano Man and My Life.

Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it again
I've not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man I swear, teaching those kids is going to give me a permanent back ache.

Anyhow, I went to catch up with my two buddies over supper. Being able to drive is really very convenient. Ever since I quit playing the computer, we lost something very common between us. We still do meet up for supper or gym or just to visit each other at home, though. Feeling bloated. Perhaps I should have refrained from the up-size option. Ended up guzzling down the fries and sprite.

Where do I see myself in 5 years, or even 10 years? Frankly, I have no idea. I wish some major spiritual change would happen. How did all those Buddhas do it? All those mystics who managed to look beyond the material plane? If nothing happens, I can almost route out how I will end up working in an office or laboratory 10 years from now. 4 years university, 6 more years of work. Plus many more after that. So ordinary.

I WANT SOMETHING BIG TO HAPPEN.

Or is this all there is to life?

I am such an eccentric person. Maybe it is because I have too much time on my hands? Or is it because I have removed a lot of distraction from my life? I wonder if everyone feels this way, except that they get so caught up with the pace of life in the city that they have no time to question life itself.

Most of the time I am torn between my two selves, my base self and my higher self, if I can even describe myself this way.

Sometimes my higher self will despise my base urges. Other times my basic instincts will laugh at the foolishness and ridiculousness of my higher principles.

I am beginning to find it hard to construe my own sentences. A clear sign that I should be going to bed now. I will make a short prayer.

Dear God,
whatever you might be, (although I tend to believe that the source of enlightenment is like some kind of collective consciousness of pure love),
or any other higher beings, (because I read in many books that there are many forms of beings all at different levels of enlightenment, with humans having a fair bit to level up - sometimes humans get help, like power-leveling, if you play RPGs you would know what I mean)
please guide me on my spiritual path to enlightenment.
Tonight, if you will.
Thanks.

This shit is starting to sound crazy. Have I crossed some edge of reality, and now gone bonkers? Well anyway I hope shit happens. Although nothing ever happens.
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