What makes me angry?

Here is a list of things that tick me off, as far as I am aware of.

1) When I am driving, and you try to be a backseat driver (a.k.a. tell me how to drive). If you know how to drive so well, then take the wheel, please. I try to keep this in check nowadays, though. Or maybe I have become a better driver.

2) When my mother smothers me with help I did not ask for. (i.e. trying to give me allowance, offering to give me a lift, asking me if I have packed everything...) This somehow makes me unconsciously feel utterly insulted. I want to be proudly independent, and if I need help, I will ask. At least, that is what I always tell her. I need to try to be kinder. Her intentions are good.

3) When someone asks for a favour and expects me to comply. And then kicks up a fuss about how terrible my character is when I refuse to do the favour. I don't even need to elaborate on how absurd this is.

4) When people behave all self-righteous and demean others because of their faults or flaws. Just because you are right, does not give you the right to hammer someone else. Maybe it does, but I find it cruel. I just keep my mouth zipped tight though, because commenting will incite an argument, and I will just get angrier. Plus I would become something like them.
"Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one." Friedrich Nietzsche

5) When people act as if the whole world owes them something. The world does not owe you anything. Period.

6) Well, in the past, I got pretty worked up when people did not put everything they wanted to know in a single message. ("Hey, what is for homework?" "Blah blah." "When must we pass it up?" "Blah blah, can you please ask all your questions together?" "O okay, thanks, sorry one more question have to done the work already?")
To understand why this ticked me off, you must first realise that I was using a pre-paid card at that time, and every single sms I send costs 5 cents. Although my parents pay for the top-up cards for me, I still try to be as stingy as possible with my messages. (Calls cost $0.18/per min if I remember correctly. I used to keep conversations short, and hung up as soon as possible.)

7) When I cannot express myself properly with words. When it is important that I convey my feelings and thoughts to the other. I usually end up giving half-baked statements that do not give a true reflection of my intentions. I regret saying anything at all, later.

Typing all these out makes me realise how far I still am from being insulated from the opinions of others. I always say, happiness is a choice, yet I keep choosing rage so frequently. I just have to be hyper-aware of these habitual negative emotions, and make the extra effort to keep my head. To be like Jesus, or Buddha, or just someone who encapsulates the essence of enlightened love.

On a side note, here is some disgusting physics to bore you.

I was wondering why the speed of light is always measured to be the same in all reference frames, no matter how fast or slow you are going. So I went to search on Google, and read the first online forum discussion that turned up.

This is just a snippet of what I read.

A universe that is locally Euclidean almost everywhere must necessarily have a speed, a single speed, that is the same to all observers. One obvious solution is an infinite speed. This is Newton's universe. A finite speed also works, and this is Einstein's universe.

Maybe the specific value of the speed of light will help to answer some questions on the shape of the universe. Need to keep this in view. Might be able to research more into it and use it as my thesis. A thought occurred to me just now, after my bath. I really like the idea a lot because it somehow makes so much sense to me. Although, in all truth, it has come much too late now.

In love, there is no point arguing, really. When we argue, we only create bad blood between each other. Compared to the love shared, everything else just seems so petty. Why should I let something so trivial come between us? When arguing, there might be anger, there might be cold reasoning, but what I can guarantee is that there will always be hurt. When faced with problems, I think the simplest answer would be to respond with love. In the end, if you truly love the person, right and wrong does not become an issue worth discussing.

Maybe I am being naive here. However, this is how I actually feel right now about how relationships should be like. If you find you cannot accept being wronged all the time, then all I can say is that perhaps the person is not right for you. Or maybe you think that proving that to the other person that you are correct is a better way to go? Does it matter? I totally messed up my day by sleeping at 5 plus in the morning today. What was worse was that I had to drag myself out of bed by 8am for work. After that, I headed down to Boon Keng MRT to discuss about some Primary School PE enrichment job that I was taking up. By the time I reached home, it was 4pm and I passed out gratefully on my bed.

Unfortunately, my blissful sleep was interrupted for dinner out with the family. Once I got that out of the way, I efficiently traveled back into dreamland. I should have trained more today. Nevertheless, the day is over. I will just take it as a recovery day. Work hard tomorrow.

"Among our people, a warrior's word is a sacred thing, stronger than stone, more enduring than mountains. We ask for nothing more. If you will not hold to it, what use are written contracts, oaths sworn before altars or anything else?"
- Borek in Gotrek & Felix, Daemonslayer.

I like the simplicity of their idea. The amount of faith placed in each other is immense. The belief that the other carries the integrity and pride to keep his word. The quote also shows how naive it is to expect that written contracts or sworn oaths are any more reliable than a given word. If a person desires to break his word, nothing will stop him. The only use of written agreements would be the opportunity to demand due compensation with the backing of the law. In truth, it does not stop a man from breaking his word.

I believe the message the author is trying to bring across is that keeping one's word is not a matter of fearing the repercussions, but rather that of one's integrity.

Perhaps I should become like the slayer, since I have need to redeem my honour. If you did not win, you did not want it enough.

At least, that is what I believe.

When two opponents fight in the finals for the top position, both want to best the other. Why does the winner come out on top? Simply because he wanted to win more. He trained harder, longer, fiercer. He fought better, stronger, faster. If the referee is discriminating against you, no matter. Beat the odds. Be prepared for anything. Even the underdogs can win. If you lose, blame no one and nothing but yourself. You could have won if you had given more blood, sweat and tears during training. Prove that you can overcome whatever the world throws at you. There is no such thing as giving your all. There are no limits. You give your all and more. When you think you reached your limit, push on to beyond.

Pain is temporary, glory is forever.

While writing this, it dawned upon me that this is in direct contradiction to my previous post on gratitude. I demanded a passive stance of being thankful for and satisfied with my current state. Perhaps I am being selectively passive-aggressive. After all, the human mind is so malleable to suit its own needs. This is probably a case of someone who twists arguments to advantageously justify his own line of thought. Politicians do this all the time. That is why they always think they are correct and infallible. Because all their decisions are backed by solid(?) arguments.

Otherwise it could be that I am multi-faceted and can adopt both ideas simultaneously. Only that I have not yet understood how these opposing traits could possibly mesh together in a reasonable manner to form my character. Of course, with the household bills paid for, a roof over my head, meals taken care of, a bed to sleep on, a computer to use, I can laugh at the foolishness of those others who chase after money and branded goods.

What is more important is whether I would still feel the same had I none of the comforts I enjoy daily. Had I been born into a poor family, worrying about where I would sleep for the night, or when my next meal would be, would I become a slave of capitalism?

It is highly likely that my dearth of interest towards materialism and reputation stems from my sheltered environment. Or at least, it has played a part in making me as such. Surely, there are other factors in play, since my siblings are so unlike myself in this matter. I freely admit that I am representing an extreme opinion. The years spent in Catholic schools must have exposed me to many people who upheld their belief of Faith, Love and Charity in their everyday lives.

One shining example would be my secondary school teacher. If Christians are people who try to be like Christ, he is undoubtedly a Christian. I cannot say the same for many others.

They taught me that the most important thing in life was God. Everything else was secondary. However, this has now become a moot point, since I no longer profess to be Catholic. Nevertheless, I still carry some of those sterling values they instilled with me. The one I speak of today is gratitude.

I was taught how to appreciate everything, no matter how small. They always say, the sum of all the little things can become bigger than the single great thing. Whatever comes my way, good or bad, I am thankful for. I especially love the hymn, Thank You, Lord. This is the first verse.

Thank you Lord, for the trials that come my way,
In that way I can grow each day, as I let you lead.
And I thank you Lord, for the patience those trials bring,
In that process of growing, I can learn to care.

I can remember most of the lyrics by heart, save for some errors or omissions here and there. You would not believe it, but I led this hymn for the prayer session during graduation. So much has changed since I left secondary school.

Of course, I do forget myself sometimes and lose my temper, especially with my mother. I do not know why logic does not apply to our arguments. It just gets me all angry and silly. Stay calm, stay calm. We can work things out (albeit unreasonably so, which means I lose, anyway).

Anyway, showing gratitude for everything makes me content with what I have. It helps with justifying to myself why I can live without attempting to strike it rich, or why I can live without ostentatiously attracting the attention of people around me. I tell myself to be satisfied. That I am glad just the way life is. Adding the extra spice will not necessarily make me extraordinarily joyous.

I am ordinary me, being ordinarily happy. If I were strapped for cash, I would still try to be happy for the little things. And of course, always happy for the gift of life. I have not been drawing an allowance from my parents since about two years ago, when I started to receive my army pay. Now that I am finished with my service, I work part time to earn the extra cash. Most of my money actually goes to paying my gymnastics fees, and the next runner up would be the bills of all the meals when I eat out. Other than the miscellaneous items that I spend on (birthday presents or the recent gambling spree), I do not usually spend my money on anything else.

Perhaps I should also start paying my own phone bill. I have no idea how this phone business works. I am only using a super old phone plan with 500 (I think?) free sms and about 100 odd minutes of free talk time. Free incoming too! (But such a feature is so common nowadays, forget I ever mentioned it.) My friends and dad keep bugging me to get a smartphone. Perhaps I might get one. If I do, I should start by taking over the payment of the phone bill, then I can upgrade the plan when it is time to renew to one with a data plan and all. It is all so complicated though, unlike my trusty old Nokia with its trusty old flashlight. No camera.

There are probably only three reasons why I do not want to change my phone. First, my phone is functional. It does not give me problems and best of all, I only need to charge it once every few days. (Beat that, smartphone users!) Second, I have some messages inside that I want to keep. Old reminders that I do not want to forget. (Because I forget things too easily.) Third, I find smartphones too bulky. I like my Nokia very much because of the small size - it fits into my pocket so easily!

Perhaps once I understand how all the various phone plans work, I will change to either an Apple or Android smartphone. Most likely I will be too lazy to get down to understanding all the intricate details of each plan though.

Anyway, most probably I will not be able to keep up with this once university commences. I will have to depend on my parents to foot my tuition fees. Unless of course, I obtain a scholarship. Perhaps this time (unlike for the phone plans), I will be motivated enough to apply come March. God willing, I am given the scholarship, I would be able to continue to be financially independent. Well, sort of, because I am still having free meals at home most of the time. Chinese New Year has come and I have been spending the past few days celebrating it.

Now I feel quite bad because I have not been working hard at all. In fact, all my time was wasted on playing computer games, eating a lot of steamboat, gambling, going out and such. I probably messed up my body clock already, sleeping late (for example, at nine o'clock this morning) for the past few days.

Times like these, I ask myself: How much do you want it? Memories fade with time. Things you once recalled with precise vividness now becomes a grainy sketch. This is especially true for me. I forget things fast. Army life now seems so distant, needless to say my time in school is just a hazy mess now. I still can remember general things, but it is an uphill task to pinpoint individual days or events.

Why is my conscious memory different from dreams? Why do I wake up with the details of the dream so clear in my mind, but as the day goes along, I find it almost impossible to recount the experience? I forget my dreams so much faster than my conscious experiences.

What would it be like if we had impeccable memory? Would we be plagued by guilt and shame for every wrong deed we have committed? Or would we simply block them out and avoid thinking of them?

On another note, I could have the easiest time studying. Taking one look at the textbook and everything will be permanently stored in my head.

I wonder what it is like to suffer from short-term memory. Like if you woke up everyday, being unable to recall not only your dreams, but the day before as well. Like in the movie 50 First Dates. (I haven't watched it myself, but I've read about it on IMDb.) We would be living without a past. Living only in the present. I guess, everything will be so much more fun because I will be doing it for the "first" time every time. Maybe that is how it is with everything. The way to inject fun into anything is to approach it as if you are doing it for the first time. Then life would always be exciting. Perhaps.

Or maybe that is just being childish? Sometimes I thought that maybe I could be a politician, seeing as to how some people could actually hold the office whilst being so utterly ridiculous. I just watch them speak and I wonder if they actually think before opening their mouths. Or whether they actually have a heart or not.

But today my friend posted video of a parliament debate, and since he gave his endorsement, I decided to check it out. I was paying attention for the first 1 or 2 minutes, before I got bored and gave up. Thinking about it, all the debating and long speeches will just suffocate me. Not to mention all the red tape I have to navigate through.

Alas, I will have to change the world via another avenue. I went to Bukit Timah today, where my friend works as a waiter at a family-run Korean restaurant. The place is pretty neat, homely and classy at the same time. The lady-boss was very nice and friendly. I would not be surprised if she knew every customer personally. Most of the other people I saw coming in were regulars.

I decided to order more, since half of me wanted to everything on the menu, and the other half wanted to give my friend face. So when the food arrived, I had two (or maybe three) people's worth of food to finish up. To top it off, the lady-boss also gave me a complimentary plate of sushi-like appetizer.

The food was tasty and delicious. The price is pretty decent too. And I learnt how to say thank you in Korean. The place is called Ga Ya Geum Family Restaurant at basement 2 of Bukit Timah Shopping Center.

Anyway, I came across this wonderful quote that originates from (you wouldn't believe this) Skyrim.

"What is better - to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"
- Paarthurnax (who is some dragon in the game)

Just to make things clear, I do not play Skyrim. If I did, I guess I could forget about blogging this regularly.

I found an answer on (you wouldn't believe this either) Yahoo! answers.

Overcoming evil would be better because through that you would also have come to understand it thus making you less likely to fall through it again.

Somehow I think I am becoming an old man. Strange. I found out today that I have been playing a simplified version of To Zanarkand. Got the full version printed out and - to my horror - I saw that some chords required me to stretch my fingers a chord and two keys wide. Not that this will keep me from trying anyhow.

Talked with Aunty Amy at the bookshop today. She gave me bak kwa (bless her kind soul) while we talked about anything and everything. It seemed that her visit to the eye specialist went better than expected. The doctor proclaimed that there was nothing wrong with her eye. It seems that she sees okay now too.

I wonder what it is like to envision our lives in a longer perspective. Like how we look at ants and how they hatch from their little eggs, grow up, work and then die. Is that what God sees? Little people, quickly growing old and serious, working their ass off all day, running around in fast forward acting important, and then dying. Don't blink, God, because if you do, you might miss my lifetime entirely.

Put like that, our lives seem pretty clockwork and mechanical, really. Like the ants bustling about their business everyday, most of us end up working endlessly for who knows what. I actually want to be a rogue ant. I want to run away from the queen we call Capitalism and enjoy myself. I want to bite all the sweet treats and sip all the sweet drinks (your urine included, if you have diabetes). I want to leave the nest and strike it out on my own. I want a life lived fully in every way, and this is all the more important, seeing at how short an ant lives.

Perhaps you prefer to be a worker ant, though. A man was depressed. He saw no good from anything at all. The cup was always half-empty, things always went wrong, no one could understand him. Every day he would be an uphill struggle to get through. He had a boring job, a plain house, an ordinary life. If only he could have an exciting job, like those celebrities he watches on television every night. If only he could live in an extravagant mansion, like those tycoons he read about on the newspapers every morning. If only he lived an extraordinary life.

One day he read this quote:
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
- Ernest Hemingway

It immediately became clear to him that he was different. The only reason why he was so jaded with life was that he was too intelligent. He could not work boring jobs, stay in plain houses, or live mundanely. He was meant for greater things. He deserved better. Suddenly his unhappiness was justified. For a brief period, he was happy.

But slowly and surely, he sank back down into self-pity. He realised that telling himself that he was more intelligent was little consolation for the lousy life he was living. In the depths of his sorrow, he finally sought out a wise man and lamented: "Life was unfair: How can those less intelligent people be happily enjoying their lifestyle while I - who is more intelligent - end up in this hole?"

The wise man shook his head and replied: "You are not intelligent. If you were truly intelligent, you would understand that there will always be disparity between the rich and the poor. You would know that intelligence does not decide if you were at the top of the ladder, or down below. And then, you would not complain to me about fate's 'unfair' treatment towards you."

He was shocked at this revelation, that all this time he was being fooled by himself. In a fluster, he made one more attempt at deciphering his sorry state.

"But why do I always feel sad? Why am I rarely happy? Wasn't it said that happiness is rarely found in intelligent people?"

"Intelligent people believe that they see more than others. They believe that they know more than the average crowd. And what they think they know is that the future is bleak. That every action is futile against inevitable end. Perhaps they feel suddenly reach a conclusion that life is meaningless, or that humanity is too volatile to possibly survive itself. Maybe they have seen how it is with people, the hate and violence. The ugliness of mankind is too far gone to be saved."

"Does that mean that incredibly smart people can never be happy?"

"Anyone can be happy. All you need to do is to open your life to love. For you, you must begin by loving yourself. You look at your job and house and life and wish for something special. Another jobless, homeless man would dream to be in your shoes. Every time we fail to appreciate something we have, we have lost a slice of happiness."

The man went back home chastised and enlightened. All his life, he failed to understand that he should have been counting the little blessings he always had. Food, clothes, a roof over his head, a job that paid his expenses, and the gift of life. With the advice he received, his life became more colourful and meaningful. Granted, he still did not have his expensive car or luxurious house, but that did not matter to him as much now.

Happiness is worth much more than material wealth.

Except when one day he came across another quote:
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt.
- Bertrand Russell

A dreadful thought occurred in his head: What if, the wise man, so confident in his words, was stupid and wrong? Why was he not more careful and unsure about his ideas, as intelligent people would?

He was terribly upset. The man mulled over the implications for days and weeks, before finally mustering enough courage to confront the wise man again.

"Sir, how can you be sure that love is the key to happiness? Perhaps you were wrong?"

To which the wise man replied: "Young man, I never claimed to be correct - I was only sharing my opinion, which may be wrong and most certainly incomplete. However, I must point out that not all stupid people are confident, and not all intelligent people are doubtful. I do not claim to be either."

"Well, if you weren't sure as to whether your views were correct, why did you bother to share them with me? What if you are wrong and it isn't true?"

"Ah, you asked me your questions, so I gave you my answers. But if what I said led you to happiness, then wasn't it true for you?" I was thinking about it on my bed last night, when I finally realised the three big questions the messes up everything.

The first, as mentioned yesterday, was whether one can stop loving.
I am inclined to believe that one cannot simply just stop loving another. How can you just forget everything?

The second is related to the first. If it is true that you cannot stop loving a person, then when you meet someone new and you love this new character in your life, it necessarily means that you are loving two people right now. So the second question is: Is it possible to carry more than one person in your heart at the same time?
But the thing is, if you can hold two different individuals in your heart at the same time, then why is it that most times, the two people come at different periods of your life, and not at the same time? If you can love both, why is it you have to choose between the two?

The third question, I suppose, will answer the first two questions for me. Except we will never be able to pin down an answer for this one. What is love?
What does it mean to love someone? Is the love you have for a spouse the same kind of love you have for your children and parents? Is it just intimacy and emotional attachment?

Well, looks like we have hit a dead end over here.
We just pick the most likely answers and continue to muddle through life. I got on the subject of relationships with my friend yesterday, and the conversation brought out several of the ideas I held in my head. However, it was in such a haphazard and messy condition that my argument must have seemed to be confusing at best (or gibberish ramblings at worst). When something like that happens, it means I need to re-examine my thoughts. Perhaps a clearer and more meaningful thought process might be achieved.

This must be one of the most complex matter yet. It should have a Handle With Care sticker pasted on.

How do you know if someone is the right one for you?

Do we choose our parents? Are they the right ones? Actually, there is no right or wrong parents. They just are. Your parents are your parents whether you like it or not. The choice is not yours to make. You cannot say that your parents are not the right ones for you, that the neighbours next door are the ones meant for you. The fact remains that your parents gave you life. You just cannot ask if they are right or not. It is irrelevant.

It gets a much more delicate when we delve into the realm of relationships and partners. These we get to choose. We have a choice to choose our own circle of friends, who we like or dislike, who we love and who we hate. How do we know if a person is right? We tend to use the traits and habits of the person as a gauge of how "right" the person is for you. Simply put, whether the person is good enough for you. What if being "right" does not have anything to do with all that? How many times have people said that they were looking for this, this and this in a partner, yet ended up with that, that and that? What if, just like how you do not choose your parents, you also do not choose your partner? She just is. No explanation needed.

Sometimes a person feels right. You get together, but after awhile you realise that the person is just not cut out. The feeling is not right anymore. How can we trust our own intuition, if our feelings can be wrong? Maybe we should amend the statement and say: She just is, for now.

I think we got ahead of ourselves. We are sinking into a pool of quicksand because of how vague this whole "right" business is. What does it mean to be the right one? (Or as some romantics might want to put it, simply, the One.) Off the top of my head, I would say that the One means
someone you are able to connect to at a deep level and can envision spending your life with. There I go again with vague words. Being connected to someone at a deep level is living your life a hundredfold times richer. (Okay, that is as far as I am willing to go with explanations.)

So let us imagine a situation where the person feels right now. You two understand each other so thoroughly that it most certainly is impossible for someone else ever doing a better job at empathizing. But somehow, the impossible happens, and you separate. How did that manage to happen? When did the cracks appear, or was the fairytale relationship built on loose soil, or were the critical flaws in the structure glossed over with pretty wallpaper? What you do know though, is that while the connection may be frail or severed now, it was true and pure before. What was shared was sincere.

Now you cannot imagine a life together with that person.
Because now you see, the differences are just too great, the chasm in characters too wide.
What if that person still feels right, though?
No, that cannot be correct.
How can the person you do not want to live with, feel right?
I think, what is really happening is that you feel that you will never find another person who can love you so completely ever again.
Or maybe that you will never again be able to love another person with your entire soul.

Is it possible for more than one person to feel right to you? It is, right? That is how people move on. (Of course, we are assuming that people really do move on.) What about feeling that two or more people feel right to you, but at the same time?

I hate this topic.

So many inconsistencies. So many variables to consider.

What I do not understand is how you can love someone, then stop loving the person. Is that even possible?
Then I do not know whether it is possible to love more than one person. Society norms on how you should only have one spouse. But then, society norms are just guides, not divine law carved in stone. Is it?

God, I hate this topic.
It is official. My argument is not so much an argument than gibberish ramblings. Today must be one of the most activity-filled day in awhile. Woke up and went off to school to visit the open house. Talked to Aunty Amy for a bit and helped her rearrange the stocks in the newly renovated room. She told me how one of her eyes was cloudy and she was going to see the eye specialist later in the afternoon. I ate the famous ba chor mee for lunch. Ended up playing frisbee and basketball soon after. Saw some of my teachers and friends, said hi, bye, and walked back home. Left the house again within an hour to go meet my friends for dinner.

It seems that I missed our last outing about 6 months ago. They said I could not be reached. 6 months ago. I think I know what happened.

Anyway, while dinner and dessert was okay, company was good. They have this idea to take a photo every time we meet to see how much we have changed. Wonder how that would work out.

I guess, in this life a person can do whatever he wants. I can build my life around the friends I have, around my family, around God, around a loved one, or just simply around myself. The kind of life he has would depend on what he builds his life around.

Still deciding where to lay my foundations. How long does it take to understand a person? I believe we never will be able to fully understand someone. We may be able to understand them better, but there will always be something more to discover and learn. But then again, people are a total mystery to me. Sometimes I just keep quiet and stare in amazement at how absurd they are. Every time I think I got a grasp of how they think, they react in a totally unpredictable and irrational manner.

I feel that emotions are too volatile.
Some times I feel those emotions boiling in me.
Other times I see it explode in others.
Most of the time, I shut myself out from everyone else because then no one can break in and pretend to understand me. How can they, when they are not even aware of their childish behavior? I build walls because I see the way people try to impose their demands on others. These walls keep them from crossing the line and keep my own selfish ego in check.

I am sure some of my friends will understand bits and pieces of me, but never the whole of me. I guess I just never let them. I suppose it is the futility of the whole be-an-open-book idea which drives me into this shell. Suppose I be an open book. People would come in, read, and try to understand me. Everyone will have their own interpretation of who I am. (Taking a course in Literature will prove my point.) Everyone can try to understand, but no one will feel it like I do.

Only you know it yourself. Why? Because some things cannot be expressed in words or action. Some things just are, and is incapable of being conveyed to another person. Even if you were an open book, some details would be glossed over, others exaggerated, and some even left out completely. These little details cannot be understood until experienced for themselves, and because we are different people, it most certainly ensures that you will never understand me, and I, you. I love science fiction and fantasy, because of all the possibilities they open up. I want to study physics because I want to discover the secrets of this universe. I also want to know more about spirituality and metaphysics because I want to find the answers to life.

I like fiction for their exploration of relationships and how the characters develop and mature. I particularly fancy stories that have the protagonist undergo through grueling trials and comes out a better person. I also like books that bring out the best in people. Those really touch my heart. I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.
- Harun Yahya

Feeling full from dinner. Celebrated my grandmother's 82th birthday. Last night I had a dream about a bracelet of beads that I was shaking and shaking, then I contacted something supernatural. All the details are so hazy now. Anyway I have work tomorrow so I should be turning in now. Looks like no exercising tonight.

When I grow up I hope I can stay near the sea. Either that or an open plain. Or both?

I wonder if I will live to my 80s too.
If so, I have already spent a quarter of my life.
Not much left, brother.
Watch what you spend your life on. I was listening to Straight Through The Mirror by Blind Guardian just now and some thoughts popped into my head.

What if your dreams ended only because you did not know how to continue them? What if you could going on dreaming? Would you dare to dream on and find out what happens?

What if my life was a dream, and I am dreaming about this life while I am asleep in the other world? What if I took turns to switch between planes of existence - when I am asleep in one, I am awake in the other - except that I have no vivid recollection of either?

What if dreams were merely another kind of reality, except that they are disconnected with this one?

What if, when we die, we do not cease to exist, but in fact wake up in another reality? We squint through half-opened eyes and wonder what that dream was all about, forget about it and get ready for work.

And what if...
What if we could remember all our dreams, all our lives, and learn how to use dreams as a door into other realities?

We would never truly die. I have can play Turkey in the Straw on the piano fairly well now, give or take some mistakes once in awhile. Started working on River Flows in You. My fingers keep tripping over each other. Definitely need much more practice.

I cooked myself pasta today. My auntie told me that I need to put a little oil in the water, so that the pasta will not stick. Add a little salt for taste. I also helped her with the ox-tail dish for dinner.

My mum says I exercise too much. All because she sees me go out to the park several times a day. By several I mean about 3 times a day. Once in the morning, another in the afternoon and again at night. And it is not as if I spend hours there. I only stay there for a maximum of half an hour, and usually only twenty minutes. After a few pull ups, dips and stretching, I head back home. I do not even go jogging. Perhaps she is afraid that I might end up looking like the Hulk.

My callouses hurt. Time to use the pumice stone to rub them down tomorrow.

Reading The Witch of Portobello has got me thinking about divinity and spirituality again. Now I am reading The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. Seems pretty interesting so far.

I came across this line recently, but I cannot recall where.

Slaves have been replaced with wage-slaves.
In this world today, how many people are living fulfilling lives, every moment of their day? Look at the countless many who hate their job, yet day-in and day-out, they continue to slog away at a task they abhor. There are two ways about it. One is to learn to love your job. The other is to change your job to something you love. How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice in the pursuit for money?

There are always difficult and unfortunate things that need to be done. But then there are also the pointless, meaningless and fruitless things you do that make you look back and wonder where all the quality in your life has gone. Be careful of being trapped in a job you do not want, because of money you do not need. I have been having a runny nose for the past two days. The suspected cause would be my ever growing long hair. My fringe has reached my eyebrows now. Hopefully I will not need to cut my hair till university (and maybe even after?). My hair does not dry as fast as when it was short. Well, this just means that I cannot bathe too late at night, because I will need to use the noisy hair dryer. Either that or I cannot wet my hair when I bathe late.

I hope that you will be okay tonight when you go out and have fun. To be honest, a part of me wants to go out and pick you up later, just so I know that you are safe.

If I ever got together with someone again, things would be so different. So many things have changed. But not enough. Never enough...

Back to piano and cooking tomorrow. And visit my school for the open house next week. Was looking around for a job, but then realised that all the jobs would definitely bore the hell out of me. I wonder what job would suit me. Perhaps a camp facilitator, but then I would miss out on gym lessons.

Anyway, I am reading For One More Day by Mitch Albom now. Halfway through, and already I have teared so much.

Books can fill up so much of our time.

Decided to learn cooking! Helped my auntie cook all the dishes (save for the rice) today!
She will be teaching me how to cook fried rice tomorrow. If a man lose everything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?
So how do you measure the worth of a man -
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

- Through Heaven's Eyes by The Prince of Egypt Soundtrack
Older Post | Newer Post

What makes me angry?

Here is a list of things that tick me off, as far as I am aware of.

1) When I am driving, and you try to be a backseat driver (a.k.a. tell me how to drive). If you know how to drive so well, then take the wheel, please. I try to keep this in check nowadays, though. Or maybe I have become a better driver.

2) When my mother smothers me with help I did not ask for. (i.e. trying to give me allowance, offering to give me a lift, asking me if I have packed everything...) This somehow makes me unconsciously feel utterly insulted. I want to be proudly independent, and if I need help, I will ask. At least, that is what I always tell her. I need to try to be kinder. Her intentions are good.

3) When someone asks for a favour and expects me to comply. And then kicks up a fuss about how terrible my character is when I refuse to do the favour. I don't even need to elaborate on how absurd this is.

4) When people behave all self-righteous and demean others because of their faults or flaws. Just because you are right, does not give you the right to hammer someone else. Maybe it does, but I find it cruel. I just keep my mouth zipped tight though, because commenting will incite an argument, and I will just get angrier. Plus I would become something like them.
"Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one." Friedrich Nietzsche

5) When people act as if the whole world owes them something. The world does not owe you anything. Period.

6) Well, in the past, I got pretty worked up when people did not put everything they wanted to know in a single message. ("Hey, what is for homework?" "Blah blah." "When must we pass it up?" "Blah blah, can you please ask all your questions together?" "O okay, thanks, sorry one more question have to done the work already?")
To understand why this ticked me off, you must first realise that I was using a pre-paid card at that time, and every single sms I send costs 5 cents. Although my parents pay for the top-up cards for me, I still try to be as stingy as possible with my messages. (Calls cost $0.18/per min if I remember correctly. I used to keep conversations short, and hung up as soon as possible.)

7) When I cannot express myself properly with words. When it is important that I convey my feelings and thoughts to the other. I usually end up giving half-baked statements that do not give a true reflection of my intentions. I regret saying anything at all, later.

Typing all these out makes me realise how far I still am from being insulated from the opinions of others. I always say, happiness is a choice, yet I keep choosing rage so frequently. I just have to be hyper-aware of these habitual negative emotions, and make the extra effort to keep my head. To be like Jesus, or Buddha, or just someone who encapsulates the essence of enlightened love.

On a side note, here is some disgusting physics to bore you.

I was wondering why the speed of light is always measured to be the same in all reference frames, no matter how fast or slow you are going. So I went to search on Google, and read the first online forum discussion that turned up.

This is just a snippet of what I read.

A universe that is locally Euclidean almost everywhere must necessarily have a speed, a single speed, that is the same to all observers. One obvious solution is an infinite speed. This is Newton's universe. A finite speed also works, and this is Einstein's universe.

Maybe the specific value of the speed of light will help to answer some questions on the shape of the universe. Need to keep this in view. Might be able to research more into it and use it as my thesis. A thought occurred to me just now, after my bath. I really like the idea a lot because it somehow makes so much sense to me. Although, in all truth, it has come much too late now.

In love, there is no point arguing, really. When we argue, we only create bad blood between each other. Compared to the love shared, everything else just seems so petty. Why should I let something so trivial come between us? When arguing, there might be anger, there might be cold reasoning, but what I can guarantee is that there will always be hurt. When faced with problems, I think the simplest answer would be to respond with love. In the end, if you truly love the person, right and wrong does not become an issue worth discussing.

Maybe I am being naive here. However, this is how I actually feel right now about how relationships should be like. If you find you cannot accept being wronged all the time, then all I can say is that perhaps the person is not right for you. Or maybe you think that proving that to the other person that you are correct is a better way to go? Does it matter? I totally messed up my day by sleeping at 5 plus in the morning today. What was worse was that I had to drag myself out of bed by 8am for work. After that, I headed down to Boon Keng MRT to discuss about some Primary School PE enrichment job that I was taking up. By the time I reached home, it was 4pm and I passed out gratefully on my bed.

Unfortunately, my blissful sleep was interrupted for dinner out with the family. Once I got that out of the way, I efficiently traveled back into dreamland. I should have trained more today. Nevertheless, the day is over. I will just take it as a recovery day. Work hard tomorrow.

"Among our people, a warrior's word is a sacred thing, stronger than stone, more enduring than mountains. We ask for nothing more. If you will not hold to it, what use are written contracts, oaths sworn before altars or anything else?"
- Borek in Gotrek & Felix, Daemonslayer.

I like the simplicity of their idea. The amount of faith placed in each other is immense. The belief that the other carries the integrity and pride to keep his word. The quote also shows how naive it is to expect that written contracts or sworn oaths are any more reliable than a given word. If a person desires to break his word, nothing will stop him. The only use of written agreements would be the opportunity to demand due compensation with the backing of the law. In truth, it does not stop a man from breaking his word.

I believe the message the author is trying to bring across is that keeping one's word is not a matter of fearing the repercussions, but rather that of one's integrity.

Perhaps I should become like the slayer, since I have need to redeem my honour. If you did not win, you did not want it enough.

At least, that is what I believe.

When two opponents fight in the finals for the top position, both want to best the other. Why does the winner come out on top? Simply because he wanted to win more. He trained harder, longer, fiercer. He fought better, stronger, faster. If the referee is discriminating against you, no matter. Beat the odds. Be prepared for anything. Even the underdogs can win. If you lose, blame no one and nothing but yourself. You could have won if you had given more blood, sweat and tears during training. Prove that you can overcome whatever the world throws at you. There is no such thing as giving your all. There are no limits. You give your all and more. When you think you reached your limit, push on to beyond.

Pain is temporary, glory is forever.

While writing this, it dawned upon me that this is in direct contradiction to my previous post on gratitude. I demanded a passive stance of being thankful for and satisfied with my current state. Perhaps I am being selectively passive-aggressive. After all, the human mind is so malleable to suit its own needs. This is probably a case of someone who twists arguments to advantageously justify his own line of thought. Politicians do this all the time. That is why they always think they are correct and infallible. Because all their decisions are backed by solid(?) arguments.

Otherwise it could be that I am multi-faceted and can adopt both ideas simultaneously. Only that I have not yet understood how these opposing traits could possibly mesh together in a reasonable manner to form my character. Of course, with the household bills paid for, a roof over my head, meals taken care of, a bed to sleep on, a computer to use, I can laugh at the foolishness of those others who chase after money and branded goods.

What is more important is whether I would still feel the same had I none of the comforts I enjoy daily. Had I been born into a poor family, worrying about where I would sleep for the night, or when my next meal would be, would I become a slave of capitalism?

It is highly likely that my dearth of interest towards materialism and reputation stems from my sheltered environment. Or at least, it has played a part in making me as such. Surely, there are other factors in play, since my siblings are so unlike myself in this matter. I freely admit that I am representing an extreme opinion. The years spent in Catholic schools must have exposed me to many people who upheld their belief of Faith, Love and Charity in their everyday lives.

One shining example would be my secondary school teacher. If Christians are people who try to be like Christ, he is undoubtedly a Christian. I cannot say the same for many others.

They taught me that the most important thing in life was God. Everything else was secondary. However, this has now become a moot point, since I no longer profess to be Catholic. Nevertheless, I still carry some of those sterling values they instilled with me. The one I speak of today is gratitude.

I was taught how to appreciate everything, no matter how small. They always say, the sum of all the little things can become bigger than the single great thing. Whatever comes my way, good or bad, I am thankful for. I especially love the hymn, Thank You, Lord. This is the first verse.

Thank you Lord, for the trials that come my way,
In that way I can grow each day, as I let you lead.
And I thank you Lord, for the patience those trials bring,
In that process of growing, I can learn to care.

I can remember most of the lyrics by heart, save for some errors or omissions here and there. You would not believe it, but I led this hymn for the prayer session during graduation. So much has changed since I left secondary school.

Of course, I do forget myself sometimes and lose my temper, especially with my mother. I do not know why logic does not apply to our arguments. It just gets me all angry and silly. Stay calm, stay calm. We can work things out (albeit unreasonably so, which means I lose, anyway).

Anyway, showing gratitude for everything makes me content with what I have. It helps with justifying to myself why I can live without attempting to strike it rich, or why I can live without ostentatiously attracting the attention of people around me. I tell myself to be satisfied. That I am glad just the way life is. Adding the extra spice will not necessarily make me extraordinarily joyous.

I am ordinary me, being ordinarily happy. If I were strapped for cash, I would still try to be happy for the little things. And of course, always happy for the gift of life. I have not been drawing an allowance from my parents since about two years ago, when I started to receive my army pay. Now that I am finished with my service, I work part time to earn the extra cash. Most of my money actually goes to paying my gymnastics fees, and the next runner up would be the bills of all the meals when I eat out. Other than the miscellaneous items that I spend on (birthday presents or the recent gambling spree), I do not usually spend my money on anything else.

Perhaps I should also start paying my own phone bill. I have no idea how this phone business works. I am only using a super old phone plan with 500 (I think?) free sms and about 100 odd minutes of free talk time. Free incoming too! (But such a feature is so common nowadays, forget I ever mentioned it.) My friends and dad keep bugging me to get a smartphone. Perhaps I might get one. If I do, I should start by taking over the payment of the phone bill, then I can upgrade the plan when it is time to renew to one with a data plan and all. It is all so complicated though, unlike my trusty old Nokia with its trusty old flashlight. No camera.

There are probably only three reasons why I do not want to change my phone. First, my phone is functional. It does not give me problems and best of all, I only need to charge it once every few days. (Beat that, smartphone users!) Second, I have some messages inside that I want to keep. Old reminders that I do not want to forget. (Because I forget things too easily.) Third, I find smartphones too bulky. I like my Nokia very much because of the small size - it fits into my pocket so easily!

Perhaps once I understand how all the various phone plans work, I will change to either an Apple or Android smartphone. Most likely I will be too lazy to get down to understanding all the intricate details of each plan though.

Anyway, most probably I will not be able to keep up with this once university commences. I will have to depend on my parents to foot my tuition fees. Unless of course, I obtain a scholarship. Perhaps this time (unlike for the phone plans), I will be motivated enough to apply come March. God willing, I am given the scholarship, I would be able to continue to be financially independent. Well, sort of, because I am still having free meals at home most of the time. Chinese New Year has come and I have been spending the past few days celebrating it.

Now I feel quite bad because I have not been working hard at all. In fact, all my time was wasted on playing computer games, eating a lot of steamboat, gambling, going out and such. I probably messed up my body clock already, sleeping late (for example, at nine o'clock this morning) for the past few days.

Times like these, I ask myself: How much do you want it? Memories fade with time. Things you once recalled with precise vividness now becomes a grainy sketch. This is especially true for me. I forget things fast. Army life now seems so distant, needless to say my time in school is just a hazy mess now. I still can remember general things, but it is an uphill task to pinpoint individual days or events.

Why is my conscious memory different from dreams? Why do I wake up with the details of the dream so clear in my mind, but as the day goes along, I find it almost impossible to recount the experience? I forget my dreams so much faster than my conscious experiences.

What would it be like if we had impeccable memory? Would we be plagued by guilt and shame for every wrong deed we have committed? Or would we simply block them out and avoid thinking of them?

On another note, I could have the easiest time studying. Taking one look at the textbook and everything will be permanently stored in my head.

I wonder what it is like to suffer from short-term memory. Like if you woke up everyday, being unable to recall not only your dreams, but the day before as well. Like in the movie 50 First Dates. (I haven't watched it myself, but I've read about it on IMDb.) We would be living without a past. Living only in the present. I guess, everything will be so much more fun because I will be doing it for the "first" time every time. Maybe that is how it is with everything. The way to inject fun into anything is to approach it as if you are doing it for the first time. Then life would always be exciting. Perhaps.

Or maybe that is just being childish? Sometimes I thought that maybe I could be a politician, seeing as to how some people could actually hold the office whilst being so utterly ridiculous. I just watch them speak and I wonder if they actually think before opening their mouths. Or whether they actually have a heart or not.

But today my friend posted video of a parliament debate, and since he gave his endorsement, I decided to check it out. I was paying attention for the first 1 or 2 minutes, before I got bored and gave up. Thinking about it, all the debating and long speeches will just suffocate me. Not to mention all the red tape I have to navigate through.

Alas, I will have to change the world via another avenue. I went to Bukit Timah today, where my friend works as a waiter at a family-run Korean restaurant. The place is pretty neat, homely and classy at the same time. The lady-boss was very nice and friendly. I would not be surprised if she knew every customer personally. Most of the other people I saw coming in were regulars.

I decided to order more, since half of me wanted to everything on the menu, and the other half wanted to give my friend face. So when the food arrived, I had two (or maybe three) people's worth of food to finish up. To top it off, the lady-boss also gave me a complimentary plate of sushi-like appetizer.

The food was tasty and delicious. The price is pretty decent too. And I learnt how to say thank you in Korean. The place is called Ga Ya Geum Family Restaurant at basement 2 of Bukit Timah Shopping Center.

Anyway, I came across this wonderful quote that originates from (you wouldn't believe this) Skyrim.

"What is better - to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"
- Paarthurnax (who is some dragon in the game)

Just to make things clear, I do not play Skyrim. If I did, I guess I could forget about blogging this regularly.

I found an answer on (you wouldn't believe this either) Yahoo! answers.

Overcoming evil would be better because through that you would also have come to understand it thus making you less likely to fall through it again.

Somehow I think I am becoming an old man. Strange. I found out today that I have been playing a simplified version of To Zanarkand. Got the full version printed out and - to my horror - I saw that some chords required me to stretch my fingers a chord and two keys wide. Not that this will keep me from trying anyhow.

Talked with Aunty Amy at the bookshop today. She gave me bak kwa (bless her kind soul) while we talked about anything and everything. It seemed that her visit to the eye specialist went better than expected. The doctor proclaimed that there was nothing wrong with her eye. It seems that she sees okay now too.

I wonder what it is like to envision our lives in a longer perspective. Like how we look at ants and how they hatch from their little eggs, grow up, work and then die. Is that what God sees? Little people, quickly growing old and serious, working their ass off all day, running around in fast forward acting important, and then dying. Don't blink, God, because if you do, you might miss my lifetime entirely.

Put like that, our lives seem pretty clockwork and mechanical, really. Like the ants bustling about their business everyday, most of us end up working endlessly for who knows what. I actually want to be a rogue ant. I want to run away from the queen we call Capitalism and enjoy myself. I want to bite all the sweet treats and sip all the sweet drinks (your urine included, if you have diabetes). I want to leave the nest and strike it out on my own. I want a life lived fully in every way, and this is all the more important, seeing at how short an ant lives.

Perhaps you prefer to be a worker ant, though. A man was depressed. He saw no good from anything at all. The cup was always half-empty, things always went wrong, no one could understand him. Every day he would be an uphill struggle to get through. He had a boring job, a plain house, an ordinary life. If only he could have an exciting job, like those celebrities he watches on television every night. If only he could live in an extravagant mansion, like those tycoons he read about on the newspapers every morning. If only he lived an extraordinary life.

One day he read this quote:
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
- Ernest Hemingway

It immediately became clear to him that he was different. The only reason why he was so jaded with life was that he was too intelligent. He could not work boring jobs, stay in plain houses, or live mundanely. He was meant for greater things. He deserved better. Suddenly his unhappiness was justified. For a brief period, he was happy.

But slowly and surely, he sank back down into self-pity. He realised that telling himself that he was more intelligent was little consolation for the lousy life he was living. In the depths of his sorrow, he finally sought out a wise man and lamented: "Life was unfair: How can those less intelligent people be happily enjoying their lifestyle while I - who is more intelligent - end up in this hole?"

The wise man shook his head and replied: "You are not intelligent. If you were truly intelligent, you would understand that there will always be disparity between the rich and the poor. You would know that intelligence does not decide if you were at the top of the ladder, or down below. And then, you would not complain to me about fate's 'unfair' treatment towards you."

He was shocked at this revelation, that all this time he was being fooled by himself. In a fluster, he made one more attempt at deciphering his sorry state.

"But why do I always feel sad? Why am I rarely happy? Wasn't it said that happiness is rarely found in intelligent people?"

"Intelligent people believe that they see more than others. They believe that they know more than the average crowd. And what they think they know is that the future is bleak. That every action is futile against inevitable end. Perhaps they feel suddenly reach a conclusion that life is meaningless, or that humanity is too volatile to possibly survive itself. Maybe they have seen how it is with people, the hate and violence. The ugliness of mankind is too far gone to be saved."

"Does that mean that incredibly smart people can never be happy?"

"Anyone can be happy. All you need to do is to open your life to love. For you, you must begin by loving yourself. You look at your job and house and life and wish for something special. Another jobless, homeless man would dream to be in your shoes. Every time we fail to appreciate something we have, we have lost a slice of happiness."

The man went back home chastised and enlightened. All his life, he failed to understand that he should have been counting the little blessings he always had. Food, clothes, a roof over his head, a job that paid his expenses, and the gift of life. With the advice he received, his life became more colourful and meaningful. Granted, he still did not have his expensive car or luxurious house, but that did not matter to him as much now.

Happiness is worth much more than material wealth.

Except when one day he came across another quote:
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt.
- Bertrand Russell

A dreadful thought occurred in his head: What if, the wise man, so confident in his words, was stupid and wrong? Why was he not more careful and unsure about his ideas, as intelligent people would?

He was terribly upset. The man mulled over the implications for days and weeks, before finally mustering enough courage to confront the wise man again.

"Sir, how can you be sure that love is the key to happiness? Perhaps you were wrong?"

To which the wise man replied: "Young man, I never claimed to be correct - I was only sharing my opinion, which may be wrong and most certainly incomplete. However, I must point out that not all stupid people are confident, and not all intelligent people are doubtful. I do not claim to be either."

"Well, if you weren't sure as to whether your views were correct, why did you bother to share them with me? What if you are wrong and it isn't true?"

"Ah, you asked me your questions, so I gave you my answers. But if what I said led you to happiness, then wasn't it true for you?" I was thinking about it on my bed last night, when I finally realised the three big questions the messes up everything.

The first, as mentioned yesterday, was whether one can stop loving.
I am inclined to believe that one cannot simply just stop loving another. How can you just forget everything?

The second is related to the first. If it is true that you cannot stop loving a person, then when you meet someone new and you love this new character in your life, it necessarily means that you are loving two people right now. So the second question is: Is it possible to carry more than one person in your heart at the same time?
But the thing is, if you can hold two different individuals in your heart at the same time, then why is it that most times, the two people come at different periods of your life, and not at the same time? If you can love both, why is it you have to choose between the two?

The third question, I suppose, will answer the first two questions for me. Except we will never be able to pin down an answer for this one. What is love?
What does it mean to love someone? Is the love you have for a spouse the same kind of love you have for your children and parents? Is it just intimacy and emotional attachment?

Well, looks like we have hit a dead end over here.
We just pick the most likely answers and continue to muddle through life. I got on the subject of relationships with my friend yesterday, and the conversation brought out several of the ideas I held in my head. However, it was in such a haphazard and messy condition that my argument must have seemed to be confusing at best (or gibberish ramblings at worst). When something like that happens, it means I need to re-examine my thoughts. Perhaps a clearer and more meaningful thought process might be achieved.

This must be one of the most complex matter yet. It should have a Handle With Care sticker pasted on.

How do you know if someone is the right one for you?

Do we choose our parents? Are they the right ones? Actually, there is no right or wrong parents. They just are. Your parents are your parents whether you like it or not. The choice is not yours to make. You cannot say that your parents are not the right ones for you, that the neighbours next door are the ones meant for you. The fact remains that your parents gave you life. You just cannot ask if they are right or not. It is irrelevant.

It gets a much more delicate when we delve into the realm of relationships and partners. These we get to choose. We have a choice to choose our own circle of friends, who we like or dislike, who we love and who we hate. How do we know if a person is right? We tend to use the traits and habits of the person as a gauge of how "right" the person is for you. Simply put, whether the person is good enough for you. What if being "right" does not have anything to do with all that? How many times have people said that they were looking for this, this and this in a partner, yet ended up with that, that and that? What if, just like how you do not choose your parents, you also do not choose your partner? She just is. No explanation needed.

Sometimes a person feels right. You get together, but after awhile you realise that the person is just not cut out. The feeling is not right anymore. How can we trust our own intuition, if our feelings can be wrong? Maybe we should amend the statement and say: She just is, for now.

I think we got ahead of ourselves. We are sinking into a pool of quicksand because of how vague this whole "right" business is. What does it mean to be the right one? (Or as some romantics might want to put it, simply, the One.) Off the top of my head, I would say that the One means
someone you are able to connect to at a deep level and can envision spending your life with. There I go again with vague words. Being connected to someone at a deep level is living your life a hundredfold times richer. (Okay, that is as far as I am willing to go with explanations.)

So let us imagine a situation where the person feels right now. You two understand each other so thoroughly that it most certainly is impossible for someone else ever doing a better job at empathizing. But somehow, the impossible happens, and you separate. How did that manage to happen? When did the cracks appear, or was the fairytale relationship built on loose soil, or were the critical flaws in the structure glossed over with pretty wallpaper? What you do know though, is that while the connection may be frail or severed now, it was true and pure before. What was shared was sincere.

Now you cannot imagine a life together with that person.
Because now you see, the differences are just too great, the chasm in characters too wide.
What if that person still feels right, though?
No, that cannot be correct.
How can the person you do not want to live with, feel right?
I think, what is really happening is that you feel that you will never find another person who can love you so completely ever again.
Or maybe that you will never again be able to love another person with your entire soul.

Is it possible for more than one person to feel right to you? It is, right? That is how people move on. (Of course, we are assuming that people really do move on.) What about feeling that two or more people feel right to you, but at the same time?

I hate this topic.

So many inconsistencies. So many variables to consider.

What I do not understand is how you can love someone, then stop loving the person. Is that even possible?
Then I do not know whether it is possible to love more than one person. Society norms on how you should only have one spouse. But then, society norms are just guides, not divine law carved in stone. Is it?

God, I hate this topic.
It is official. My argument is not so much an argument than gibberish ramblings. Today must be one of the most activity-filled day in awhile. Woke up and went off to school to visit the open house. Talked to Aunty Amy for a bit and helped her rearrange the stocks in the newly renovated room. She told me how one of her eyes was cloudy and she was going to see the eye specialist later in the afternoon. I ate the famous ba chor mee for lunch. Ended up playing frisbee and basketball soon after. Saw some of my teachers and friends, said hi, bye, and walked back home. Left the house again within an hour to go meet my friends for dinner.

It seems that I missed our last outing about 6 months ago. They said I could not be reached. 6 months ago. I think I know what happened.

Anyway, while dinner and dessert was okay, company was good. They have this idea to take a photo every time we meet to see how much we have changed. Wonder how that would work out.

I guess, in this life a person can do whatever he wants. I can build my life around the friends I have, around my family, around God, around a loved one, or just simply around myself. The kind of life he has would depend on what he builds his life around.

Still deciding where to lay my foundations. How long does it take to understand a person? I believe we never will be able to fully understand someone. We may be able to understand them better, but there will always be something more to discover and learn. But then again, people are a total mystery to me. Sometimes I just keep quiet and stare in amazement at how absurd they are. Every time I think I got a grasp of how they think, they react in a totally unpredictable and irrational manner.

I feel that emotions are too volatile.
Some times I feel those emotions boiling in me.
Other times I see it explode in others.
Most of the time, I shut myself out from everyone else because then no one can break in and pretend to understand me. How can they, when they are not even aware of their childish behavior? I build walls because I see the way people try to impose their demands on others. These walls keep them from crossing the line and keep my own selfish ego in check.

I am sure some of my friends will understand bits and pieces of me, but never the whole of me. I guess I just never let them. I suppose it is the futility of the whole be-an-open-book idea which drives me into this shell. Suppose I be an open book. People would come in, read, and try to understand me. Everyone will have their own interpretation of who I am. (Taking a course in Literature will prove my point.) Everyone can try to understand, but no one will feel it like I do.

Only you know it yourself. Why? Because some things cannot be expressed in words or action. Some things just are, and is incapable of being conveyed to another person. Even if you were an open book, some details would be glossed over, others exaggerated, and some even left out completely. These little details cannot be understood until experienced for themselves, and because we are different people, it most certainly ensures that you will never understand me, and I, you. I love science fiction and fantasy, because of all the possibilities they open up. I want to study physics because I want to discover the secrets of this universe. I also want to know more about spirituality and metaphysics because I want to find the answers to life.

I like fiction for their exploration of relationships and how the characters develop and mature. I particularly fancy stories that have the protagonist undergo through grueling trials and comes out a better person. I also like books that bring out the best in people. Those really touch my heart. I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.
- Harun Yahya

Feeling full from dinner. Celebrated my grandmother's 82th birthday. Last night I had a dream about a bracelet of beads that I was shaking and shaking, then I contacted something supernatural. All the details are so hazy now. Anyway I have work tomorrow so I should be turning in now. Looks like no exercising tonight.

When I grow up I hope I can stay near the sea. Either that or an open plain. Or both?

I wonder if I will live to my 80s too.
If so, I have already spent a quarter of my life.
Not much left, brother.
Watch what you spend your life on. I was listening to Straight Through The Mirror by Blind Guardian just now and some thoughts popped into my head.

What if your dreams ended only because you did not know how to continue them? What if you could going on dreaming? Would you dare to dream on and find out what happens?

What if my life was a dream, and I am dreaming about this life while I am asleep in the other world? What if I took turns to switch between planes of existence - when I am asleep in one, I am awake in the other - except that I have no vivid recollection of either?

What if dreams were merely another kind of reality, except that they are disconnected with this one?

What if, when we die, we do not cease to exist, but in fact wake up in another reality? We squint through half-opened eyes and wonder what that dream was all about, forget about it and get ready for work.

And what if...
What if we could remember all our dreams, all our lives, and learn how to use dreams as a door into other realities?

We would never truly die. I have can play Turkey in the Straw on the piano fairly well now, give or take some mistakes once in awhile. Started working on River Flows in You. My fingers keep tripping over each other. Definitely need much more practice.

I cooked myself pasta today. My auntie told me that I need to put a little oil in the water, so that the pasta will not stick. Add a little salt for taste. I also helped her with the ox-tail dish for dinner.

My mum says I exercise too much. All because she sees me go out to the park several times a day. By several I mean about 3 times a day. Once in the morning, another in the afternoon and again at night. And it is not as if I spend hours there. I only stay there for a maximum of half an hour, and usually only twenty minutes. After a few pull ups, dips and stretching, I head back home. I do not even go jogging. Perhaps she is afraid that I might end up looking like the Hulk.

My callouses hurt. Time to use the pumice stone to rub them down tomorrow.

Reading The Witch of Portobello has got me thinking about divinity and spirituality again. Now I am reading The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. Seems pretty interesting so far.

I came across this line recently, but I cannot recall where.

Slaves have been replaced with wage-slaves.
In this world today, how many people are living fulfilling lives, every moment of their day? Look at the countless many who hate their job, yet day-in and day-out, they continue to slog away at a task they abhor. There are two ways about it. One is to learn to love your job. The other is to change your job to something you love. How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice in the pursuit for money?

There are always difficult and unfortunate things that need to be done. But then there are also the pointless, meaningless and fruitless things you do that make you look back and wonder where all the quality in your life has gone. Be careful of being trapped in a job you do not want, because of money you do not need. I have been having a runny nose for the past two days. The suspected cause would be my ever growing long hair. My fringe has reached my eyebrows now. Hopefully I will not need to cut my hair till university (and maybe even after?). My hair does not dry as fast as when it was short. Well, this just means that I cannot bathe too late at night, because I will need to use the noisy hair dryer. Either that or I cannot wet my hair when I bathe late.

I hope that you will be okay tonight when you go out and have fun. To be honest, a part of me wants to go out and pick you up later, just so I know that you are safe.

If I ever got together with someone again, things would be so different. So many things have changed. But not enough. Never enough...

Back to piano and cooking tomorrow. And visit my school for the open house next week. Was looking around for a job, but then realised that all the jobs would definitely bore the hell out of me. I wonder what job would suit me. Perhaps a camp facilitator, but then I would miss out on gym lessons.

Anyway, I am reading For One More Day by Mitch Albom now. Halfway through, and already I have teared so much.

Books can fill up so much of our time.

Decided to learn cooking! Helped my auntie cook all the dishes (save for the rice) today!
She will be teaching me how to cook fried rice tomorrow. If a man lose everything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?
So how do you measure the worth of a man -
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

- Through Heaven's Eyes by The Prince of Egypt Soundtrack
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